I just really wanted to vent. I really hate my family. They are just messy people. And by messy I mean the type that want to do nothing but put you down and talk all sorts of negative things about you behind your back. They silently judge you. They've been that way my entire life. I noticed it but with the way my parents were when I was younger; I had to just shrug it off. And my parents fought me for a while when I said i was throwing family away because I was tired of being treated the way I was being treated. I'm done forgiving and forgetting and pretending everything is fine; because it's not okay. I'm not a punching bag. I'm a human with emotions. It's just letting them get away with mistreating me. And I don't have to take it anymore. It sucks when you feel like you can't have a voice and people being mean to you is okay. (that's how I was raised. I couldn't have opinions because they were always wrong. If you spoke up then you were being disrespectful. So I always had to bite my tongue and let people talk about me however they wanted. It caused me a lot of issues. )

My grandfather on my dad's side passed away this month. On the 28th we went to his wake. I didn't even really want to be there. But I had absolutely nothing against my grandfather. I wasn't close to him but he was always good to me. I've always seen him as a happy person, always joking and laughing. So, I wanted to at least go to the wake for him. There were people there that I've pushed aside way before this incident. I was tired of being treated like I'm lower than dirt by these people. The room was so quiet and I could hear so well. I just hear "Why is she still wearing her mask?" "She's probably smiling under it" and eyes were on me. Like Really?! They gonna talk crud about me at a funeral! It just proves to me that I made the right choice kicking those individuals out of my life. They are so ridiculous. I wouldn't have stayed long but I was kinda stuck in the room. I walked in, said a prayer in front my grandpaw, and then went sit. I was only gonna sit for a short while and leave but I couldn't find the exit. When i turned everything was closed. My sister was nodding at me like "are you going to leave?" (prior to the wake we had discussed that we weren't staying long because of toxic family members) and i kinda nodded at the back of us. When she looked she was like "oh!" cuz she saw everything was closed. Thankfully it didn't take too long for them to open the doors we entered and I walked out as fast as I could and headed for my sister's car. I'm not exactly sure who said it but my ex Godmother/Nanny is one of those people who talks crud about me. She was sitting next to one of the cousins who a few years ago told my sister to "Go to hell" because my sister removed her from her friendlist on facebook. So i'm thinking it was them talking the crud. They thought they were whispering but I heard it so well. They were both staring at me and the other was my aunt who was sitting in front of us. She was also staring when that was said. So Idk who said it but I'm sure it's one of them.

Masks are suppose to be worn! I'm wearing a mask cuz I don't want that freaking covid. I'm already dealing with mucus in my nose that just doesn't want to go away. Been dealing with that since before covid started. I was just wanting to get out of there as quickly as I could. I was neutral faced majority of the time i was there. Aside from that nobody came up to me. So that was the bright side. The only person I had interaction with was my Uncle on my dad's side. He's always been good to me and my siblings. And he's a very honest and straightforward type of person.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa passing :( RIP

Let them get the virus if they so want! pffft! you sound like an adult and this means you can decide for yourself if you're going to wear a mask a or not and if you're going to smile under it or not. At a wake or at a wedding or a baptism. Sounds like cutting your family out of your life is one of the best things you could do for your mental wellbeing.

I just hope that going to the wake made you feel better towards your grandpa. As in, giving you closure, a chance to say goodbye and all. Just treat the ones treating you nicely as nice as your heart allows you to, and {try to} ignore the others. This is the best you can do.

My grandpa is 94, has dementia now and i dread the moment he passes. Mother will surely want me to go to the funeral despite the virus ... and foolishly want to go to avoid gossiping about me. though i really don't need to go :/ Can you tell me and family are also not on the best of terms? LOL

Many people i know have family issues. So you're not alone. I would be lying if i said that it doesn't feel lonely at times.... but what can one do? Just take life as is and try to improve the things that are in our power.

I know you didn't ask for advice. i wasn't trying to give any... it just came out that way. I hope you feel better soon.

PS: regarding the mask: we're supposed to wear it all the time when out and about. But it seems like they'll be relaxing the rules soon - i'll still be wearing the mask when out and about...