Lost as in we got into a series of arguments and seemingly parted ways. This is not the first time to happen, and honestly, I'm tired. Every person I have been close to, with the exception of my mother, walked away in some way. I'm not going to sit here and act like a martyr since with this case I've egged it on to the point I likely drove her away. Catch this. I'm 27 and cannot keep a stable relationship. None. So I'm just sitting here like an idiot because of these repeated mistakes. I'm going to remain alone due to it.

On top of all the other things that have been going on, what's another one such as this, right? Trying not to go on the deep end but everything seems to point that I'm useless and no good for anyone or anything. I feel numb but I know it's going to build up and end up in a meltdown. I wish I knew how to connect to others like a normal human being and sustain relationships. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Why exist?

Hi Nikki, you going to be alright..?

Sometimes shit happens and it just sucks and there's absolutely no reason for it. I think that if you go around looking for reasons and blame you'll only bring yourself down further. The blame may not be on you, nor your friend. Misunderstandings, not seeing eye to eye, it's just a part of being human. In a world of billions of people you can't expect to get along with everyone. Some people can be friends with almost anyone, some people can be friends with a small group, and some people only have a few other special someone's out there that they have to find. And all of those are okay as long as you find peace and comfort in the people you do have in your circle. You're not abnormal for it. You just need to stay positive and keep searching for the right people to have around.

Although, if you go into new interactions assuming and expecting them to end the same way as your previous ones, then they probably will. All you have to do is decide they won't. You don't really get to decide the outcome, but being in a better mindset might better dictate how you react when arguments come up. Instead of egging something on you might just step away entirely and come back to find the person hasn't walked away.

Regardless of what you do going forward it sounds like you need a self-care day. Take yourself out on a date or something. :)

, thank you for your response. I'm trying to remain 'calm' and coming to some realizations that maybe I should change going forward. I am too dependent and it becomes a bit overbearing where it can be understandable as to how it drives people away. At the same time I feel like if people truly want to be friends then they will always hold onto everything that has been obtained over the years. Sure, people change. But why should that mean that people will not remain friends for decades? It's very rare seeing that and it seems like the younger generations such as myself don't know how to do that. Meanwhile for my mother's generation she has been able to keep at least one or two friends for a few good decades (one died from cancer a few years ago.)

Maybe I'll try to find somewhere to go this weekend. My stimulus check came in so I guess that can be put into use that is not completely obligated by bills and debt.

Hi Nikki, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I wish you all the best.

In my experience as someone on the other end of a situation similar to yours, sometimes people just need to step away for a bit. I'm not saying this is always the case, or even necessarily your case, but I've had a friend I essentially grew up with, who I ended up butting heads with so often that I eventually realized staying in communication was unhealthy for both of us; similar to your situation, we had also ended things on a huge fight. We stopped talking for 4 years, which was awkward because we shared the same group of friends who had to navigate this silence. But after some time apart, both this friend and I matured on our own, and we were able to start talking again. Perhaps some time later, your friend will look back and come to the same realization as my friend and I did.

I also think it matters what the fights were about, and if not the content, how the fights were picked. In some cases, people will not be able to reconcile no matter what. In others, people will still come together even after parting over serious topics. I just wanted to give you hope that people can remain friends despite changes over decades. (With the caveat that sometimes, the change is not good. For example, if someone goes down the white supremacy route, it would be a stretch to expect their POC friends to stay friends.)

Regardless, I hope you won't be too hard on yourself, and take care. I know it's difficult when you feel abandoned by people who ought to care about you.

And to echo Snuggle, if you approach relationships with the mindset that people will eventually leave, it can make forming lasting connections difficult from the onset because it colours the way you interact with people. I had to learn this lesson the hard way, and I'm still trying to unlearn that mindset. I've personally been both too distant and too clingy with those I loved. In the former case, people have told me that they were never sure I actually cared about them, or that they were worried I did not see them as a good enough friend to rely or even just casually hang out with them. In the latter case, I've excused terrible behaviour from people who should have cared for me, letting them walk all over me, just so that they wouldn't leave me; and as someone who had a clingy friend, it can feel like you can't really set boundaries, or else you'd make that friend feel worse.

I realize it can be very difficult to trust in the future, but I hope you will give it a chance when you feel ready to. You might also find the whole "fake it till you make it" mindset helpful, in interacting with others positively even if you don't feel it will last. I was convinced for months that despite her exterior, a performance partner did not actually like me, and yet I tried to be as great a friend as I could be to her, and worked on myself in the mean time; I realized later that she had thought of me as her best friend in that period, and we are still best friends even now.

(Whoops just a quick edit:) That feeling that people will eventually leave you might not go away, especially if it's a belief you've held a long time. I still struggle with it now. But it's also not a certainty; the future can change, and I'm certain you will find people who will stay with you because they care for you and enjoy your friendship. Please be gentle with yourself.

I guess to give as a quick update:

We talked it out (sort of...after two arguments more) and agreed that we need to have space. I addressed the fact that I was afraid to lose her and she thinks it's because I don't have trust for several reasons which I will spare from writing here. Given that she knows about my history with people, some forms of abuse, and generally my mental health, she said that she felt that she couldn't be there because she too is also feeling overwhelmed due to the pandemic. Essentially, it was one-sided and ironically enough I didn't want to believe that she can potentially fall with her mental health, so I was relying on her and it seemed to have been too much. Sadly when I want to listen to her she feels like she cannot open up because she doesn't like talking about her issues, or so she says. Where she is from mental health is considered taboo and it's also why she doesn't like to talk about it.

I'm going to give her space and said that she can contact me whenever. Whenever that will be, who knows...maybe never. I've taken her for granted and messed up several times that I wouldn't blame if she doesn't want to speak to me anymore. I feel like even if I end up losing her that it's not fair that I wanted to keep her hostage for this long if she really felt like things were caving in and I caused, or at least contributed, a good portion of it. I feel helpless on what can be done and that the only thing I would do is wait. I try not to think about it and even distract myself with work which I often dread but at the end of the day think about all of this.

I'm going to try to find other things to do and connect with support groups of any kind. I just feel like it's playing all over again as to how I get overly attached to that one person and then it vanishes, and nothing can permanently replace it.