I wish I had more real life friends. The type that I can depend on, to call for help when I'm sick or something, because I don't think I can live long if I'm on my own. Except, there is very little I can do to find those people in my area.

People look for themselves first and foremost. Everyone knows that. But still, I help everyone where I can, even when I'm suffering with my own problems. It's apparently too much to ask for the same kindness.

"It's just how the world works." "You can't expect others to help you." "Helping them is your own choice."

I've heard these and variations a lot. If this world is really so cruel, then I don't think I'm suited for it.

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Can you say more about your situation? Why is it so hard to connect with people in your area? You're just as suited for this world as anyone else is, and you're a welcome addition with your kindness and creativity.

People in my area don't care about much of anything, so I've been having a hard time even finding a topic to discuss seriously like the adults we are supposed to be. They tend to dismiss problems like it doesn't affect them in the slightest and tbh, I don't know if they've lost their minds or what. It's very hard to make deeper connections when all they care about is drinking until they pass out, or eat junk food in the bar. Or make inane conversations until it's time for everyone to go home. Maybe I'm missing something?

...I am aware that I have flare-ups of emotional turmoil. I try to keep those in check.

I feel you, it can be hard finding people that share your perspective. Especially if you're sensitive and aren't afraid to get into uncomfortable topics. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I suggest you keep an open mind, because I know from myself that I quickly dismiss people sometimes because I assume I can't relate to them. I'd say to try and get into some sort of social scene but with covid... maybe online community is better.

I've been looking around! Subeta's been a great place to talk about both random and (odd) deep stuff and I really like it here. Other places are...a little too much? Or a little 'too little'. Mostly I don't know where to look. A few of the places I've checked are too...er...crass? Others are a desert of interactions.

Ya a lot of the online world is a little nuts. I don't talk to others much on the internet tbh. I used to frequent some mental health forums and those were the best honestly in terms of community.