I've complained about everything all my life, and it really brings everyone down and drives people away. And there's someone (who I won't name) who I consider a friend who is getting really tired of it, but I don't want to lose that friendship, and I feel like I've really messed up cause yesterday someone else thought this person was being mean to me when really they were just being brutally honest, and they said some rude things, so now I've caused that friend to get insulted and I feel like it's unforgivable. I don't know where to begin with an apology, or if I even should or if it's best to try to let it go, but I feel like I can't talk to them anymore without their approval.

I just feel like I'm always looking for some reason to complain, that I'm just too used to it and it's a bad habit, but I don't want to lose friends over it, so what else can I do? I need a way to relieve stress and also to feel less alone, most of the time I'm just doing it in the hope that people will say "me too" or "that sucks" or "sorry to hear that" or something like that, but it seems I'm venting to the wrong people. And even when I do complain, even though it does give me some relief, it doesn't completely release all that stress, so I still have bottled up emotions that end up being set off by the slightest inconvenience later on.

Yes, I am aware that I need some kind of therapy, I have a lot of trauma from my life, but I'm struggling with all the things required to get it, I don't know if it's easier to get it in other countries than the UK.

Hey. It seems like you are just feeling really unsure, and of course listening to someone vent all the time can be tiring, but if they are your real friend, I'm sure they want to help you and support you. Everybody needs to vent sometimes, I do the same. But I have found it easier over the years to find more good things in a day that passed than bad ones - I realize it's not always that easy. It seems to me like you should just apologize to your friend, but only if it was really not rude what they said. Don't let anybody bring you down just because you are sad and need support <3

If you want to, you can check out various therapy apps on your phone. A lot of them offer large discounts to people who are unemployed (not assuming that you are, just mentioning it, just in case you don't seek help due to lack of money), and you might even find something that is free. I tried BetterHelp for a little bit a couple years ago, it was helpful and I used it until I felt I no longer needed it. It did cost money to use, but they offered discounts. There might be less expensive apps or even free apps you can use. I highly recommend looking into therapy/mental health apps or even websites.

It's good to be aware of your habits. Try not to look at things as being "bottled up" though. Sometimes complaining about things can make things worse, because you're allowing the negative thoughts to continue and possibly letting your brain run in circles (or negative thought cycles). Have you tried meditation? It's good in helping one think about thinking. It might help to try using the noting technique, where you acknowledge a thought, let it go, then refocus on your breath. Once again, there are many apps available to use. Insight timer is a good free one. Headspace is good, but they are limited in their features if you don't have a subscription. I do believe more Headspace features are free if you are unemployed, though.

Using a journal is a common way to let go of things, too. For me, I feel it brings a sense of closure for my thoughts and I feel I don't need to go over it again and again.

Also, don't forget to do things you enjoy. Take pleasure in things, but also work on things. If you do things that give you a sense that you are contributing, it might help you feel better about yourself and help with any self-worth issues. Things you can do can involve being tidy, helping around the house, being the one to initiate gatherings while providing things like food and drinks and games, creating gifts, helping others via volunteer work, or even simply complimenting other people.

It's also good to help yourself. Create small goals, exercise, do things by yourself, take a relaxing hot bath, or even start a hobby. Take baby steps into larger goals if you have them. Give yourself a pat on the back for anything that requires a lot of effort on your part. If you've had trauma, then it's okay to do that. Because it's harder for people with trauma than it is for people who don't. You have to be understanding of yourself. That fact that you're aware of things and want to improve and find other outlets for stress is really great.

To break a complaining habit, I'd try setting yourself some rules. For example,

1. For every complaint you make, you must make 1-2 positive comments either before or after. --i.e. You're talking about work and complain about your awful shift swap. Then talk about how much you respect your coworker for being so knowledgeable or helpful.

2. Identify why you're feeling negative. Did you argue with a friend? Feeling depressed or hopeless? You mentioned that even complaining doesn't remove the stressed feeling. Do you feel seen or understood by your friends? Do you have a deep friendship or is it more surface-level?

3. Do you want validation? It is 100% ok to lead a conversation with, "Please agree with me on this, I just want to get it out."

4. Make a conscious effort to have one happy thing to talk about. I've had similar negative streaks and have literally looked up happy news in order to chat about it with coworkers. Try listening to an interesting podcast so you can have more to talk about than the things you hate.

I hope this helps. I've been where you are. A bit of advice that stuck with me is that stress is felt when your body thinks you're capable of doing something about the problem. i.e. You're stressed about homework because you know you need to do it and should be doing it. You're not stressed about the heat death of the universe because you can't do anything about it. When you're feeling stressed, identify if it's actually something you can do something about, and if you can't, tell yourself that and let it go.

It's diary-keeping all the way for me. A great way to vent your frustrations without taking them to another person; also it can be useful to have them there to look back on and analyze as well, sometimes you find out more about yourself, often it just puts things in perspective. Actually I find as I write it down, it's soothing and creates that sense of validation, it makes the thoughts into something tangible, it gives them some structure & sometimes makes problems seem simpler to deal with. Diaries are also such a good way to record the nice things that happen as well. I try now to mention things I'm grateful for before I sign off too, and dwell on the happy parts of the day, not just what's bugging me. That's not to say I never find myself complaining to people. But I try to catch myself before I say something negative, and think whether it's really worth venting it, or if it's the right person to say it to. Or if I really can't help myself, I just tend to apologise afterwards, and then move onto something positive. I think the advice that's already been given is amazing to be honest. It is a lot about falling into habits, but you can reform those habits too. Counselling is not easy to get to in the UK. But if you can afford to do it, I highly recommend that along with a diary as kind of complementary therapies.

I have been to therapy in the past. I don't go now, but I am sure I could get into counseling if I needed it badly enough. I am doing okay though without it for now. I have a job where I am actually a peer support person. I help others who are dealing with some of the same issues I deal with. I like helping people, and it actually is very good therapy for me, too. I have found that my life is so much better now that I have this job. The money is a nice perk, but the job is what I really want. I would volunteer if I had to just so I could help the people. I took a really long phone call today, and it was very rewarding.