I feel so hollow
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Back story if you want it
Last week my boyfriend dumped on me via text he wasn't sure he can stay with me if I don't go to church with him. That because I apparently made a couple jokes or remarks about religion it upset him and rather than talk to me he just distanced himself. He knows I work during ANY service ANY church of any religion could offer, that church would be a rarity or down right impossible. Also I don't find the church setting to be very engaging and rather boring.
During the messages he also implied I make him feel like he's sinning and guilty because I don't go to church. Until all this came out in one overwhelming bombshell we had no fights or issues for the 6 months we've been dating.
I gave it a few days of no contact, then asked him if he wanted to talk anytime soon. He said he was waiting for me to get back to him, when he knew it was on him to reach out and say he was ready to talk.
So we talked and at first he said he can't have a partner who would get in his way of his connection to God (I never have nor would dream of doing that, nor ever made it a must believe in things my way as a condition to date). I pressed and asked why didn't he think of any alternative plans. Good examples would be to study directly with his friends, to simply talk about what his church talked about, to watch the videos his church makes for the exact reason of people unable to go, or even pick topics and read what pertains to it together. That also should I get the rare chance off I wouldn't want to go to the one he and his ex girlfriend attend.
He admitted he hadn't thought of it that way then tried to deflect again back to how its a sin when we are together. I pressed back and said if you really don't want to lose me you won't let this be in the way, that other people have worked this exact thing out and are happy as can be. I can changne apects of the relationship on the physical side if its needed.
He said he wants a break, not a break up in the end. He stated he wants to figure out what he wants out of reconnecting to his religion and for himself. He's also already started to try to find other churches closer to his home. He even said if he takes too long to figure things out for himself to let him know. He even said he still wants to go on a trip we wanted to try to do before winter, but now looks more like a spring bound trip since passes are getting snow and neither of our cars could make that.
He even is implying I'll meet his ex wife he has kids with eventually. Thats also another thing. I understand his kids and communicating with his ex wife is important. His ex girlfriend before me fought with him over it for a long time. Also in our fight he implied he thought I'd act lile she did and just be dismissive of how he felt on this topic of church and having a connection to God. So maybe we both have a thing to learn in all this?
Yet I thought breaks consist of like not talking? He is sending me good morning and good night messages everyday. He is wondering when I can come back to gaming night regularly. Says he misses me. He's even going to help me order comics I wanted for below the cost to the shop he and his friend run... So color me confused on this front.
So to me things are in the air. With recent events. I'm left feeling many things lately. Largely panic and anxiety mixed with feeling hollow or empty.
I'm looking for things to do in this down time so I'm not sitting idle entirely. One idea I have is to try to learn calligraphy and Chinese brush art. Issue on these is I'm a lefty and everything is instructions for rightys. I've been researching supplies for the Chinese brush painting as I found a kit for cheap but am sure I'll run out of the start supplies while I learn.
I've been watching anime, new and old. Recently rewatched Witch Hunter Robin. Currently wachting Clannad. Staying up with MHA and Food Wars. Buying books on the cheap and reading them, yay for working at a thrift shop.Currently working on 4 books actively. Bought 3 games on sale for the ps4 and finished the first one. Black Mirror was more of a puzzle slicing than say and rpg or dungeon crawler. I have Outlast 2 and Call of Chuthulu to work on. Also replaying FF8 while waiting for the FF7 remake due in march.
With winter on the way outside things are nearly impossible. Most things around here outside will cost big money be it supplies or to even make use of the outdoor parks in winter. So I'm largely stuck inside.
Any other ideas?
FINALLY GOT THE 15K WARDROBE DONE!!!!! Next up gutting and selling it.
sorry you're feeling that way. If you ask me, if religion ends up being an issue between you it probably means you just aren't compatible. Religion is one of those big things that can be real dealbreakers and cause bigger problems down the line if you can't see eye to eye on it. I agree that it's weird that he's asking for a break but seems to be talking to you normally. At best that sounds really inconsiderate, you've probably been hurt by him asking for a break and need to cope with your own feelings and that doesn't make it easier for you. I'd honestly just ask him what he's trying to do and make sure you're on the same page about this break and what it's supposed to mean.
I don't know a whole lot about Chinese calligraphy but I think a lot of Chinese learners (including Chinese kids) who are left-handed just learn to write with their right-hand. I think there are resources out there for people who are left-handed, if you're talking about things like stroke order, maybe you could look into that.
There's a ton of other hobbies that don't really cost a lot of money. What kind of things are you interested in?
Tha is for replying! Yeah the thing is I work during any service and religion may have. So the alternative options are the best thing here. I'm honestly bothered he hadn't thought of them and also presumed I'd handle it like his ex handled their fights. She still fights and argues with him on stuff to this day! And yes I'm overall confused. I went to gaming Wednesday and after he gave me a hug and invitied me to a movie once we can find a time that works. I told him other than the usual implications of a break I wasn't sure what ither lines there were. I let him k ow I'd be taking cues from him of what's ok or not. He assured me I'm fine right now.
As for hobbies. I usually don't mind trying things. Hence why I got the chinese brush art starter set. I also got some of those diamond paint kits on a deep sale, but no reliable desk area to put one together. You apparently need heavy books to help your work adhere to the poster.
I also am trying to use up beads I've had for ages. However I'm not very good at reading bead patterns.
FINALLY GOT THE 15K WARDROBE DONE!!!!! Next up gutting and selling it.
I've known people where religion tends to be a pretty inflexible issue, and if it's an issue now it'll be an issue later. I'm on the if religion is a deciding factor you might just be too incompatible train.
Also, I'm left-handed and my parents are Taiwanese so I did take Chinese classes as a kid where we had to learn some minimal calligraphy plus my parents always had Chinese ink stones lying around the house. I have a decorative set of rainbow colored inkstones in my bedroom that my dad bought me at some point while in China that I've never used because they're too pretty to use.
It is possible to write Chinese calligraphy with your left, not your right hand. I actually never had the whole, "YOU MUST WRITE WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND" thing ingrained into my family by my parents even though I'm the only one in my family that is left-handed( pretty sure out of my relatives I'm the only lefty too), and my strokes in calligraphy usually came out ok. I don't have great Chinese writing( never really cared enough to learn it except to be able to passably read it, and my forays into chinese calligraphy were only during Chinese school as a kid) but as long as you know the stroke order of characters you can usually do ok with figuring out how to have decent Chinese calligraphy.
Just an update. He did call it quits on me over a text message! After he asked me to check movie days and times I told him I missed seeing him and was excited for the movie. Thats when he decided to tell me he has "no time for a relationship". And while he was telling me he was done he said that lovely line of "maybe one day we can try again".
So yeah que me having a meltdown. He told me to also plan on a trip for spring... Well clearly that won't happen now. So I took what I saved and got my hair done! It honestly looks quite similar to this
A few people have assured me its more his issue than mine given he didn't even try a single alternative idea I offered. Several say he'll end up regretting me go. But idk time will tell overall.
So for now I'm still working on those new things for me. Starting with sketches of ideas I'd like to paint. Once I get back in line on the that brush art should come out nicely.
FINALLY GOT THE 15K WARDROBE DONE!!!!! Next up gutting and selling it.