hi everyone. i'm in a rut about something that i can't get over and hopefully some other people's opinions will help me out. so, a short preface: i'm 22, just graduated esthetician school (which i graduated like 2 months late from my class), and my mother passed away in march of this year. i honestly haven't really sat down with myself and thought about all of it. i've been on depression medicine since i was 14ish. the past like 3 years, i've been diagnosed with more symptoms like ptsd, borderline personality disorder, and ADHD. which i got prescribed and the medicine was actually really helping me, until i found the news about my mom. idk i just feel like it's a long story and no one wants to listen. long story short, i stopped my medicine (which was like over 200mgs combined a day) cold turkey because my insurance canceled. my depression started taking over and i lost my energy to go do anything. i can't afford medical insurance, so i have to go through the state, so it's a whole day ordeal when you go to the office to apply, which i have no energy for. no one understands and it kills me. i'm so unhappy and i'm so lonely. i have an amazing boyfriend who i've been with for almost a year and he has been very helpful and supportive. but kinda too supportive? he thinks i'm a "strong young woman who doesn't need a substance to help me" essentially. i love him so much and it hurts because he thinks i'm so strong but i'm really not. idk i just want someones thoughts.

My heart goes out to you. I have had mental illness symptoms since I was 3. I am now 38, on the right meds, and life is going pretty well. It wasn't always this way. When I was 13, they had me on so many meds, I nearly died. It made me scared to take psych meds, but eventually I had to go back on them. Now that I have been on these meds, I have a job, a husband, and many other blessings.

I would do anything you can do to get your meds again. I know it takes a while, but if you can figure out how to get your meds another way, do that. I am happy that you have such a kind man by your side. He should help you navigate the process of getting your meds again. I get my meds through Medicaid. Maybe that is an option for you. I don't know the entire scope of your situation, but there must be a way.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. :( Being on medication is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you sought out help and are looking to help control your symptoms, and make life a little bit more bearable. I'm sorry your boyfriend isn't being super helpful, but I would remind him that even strong people need a bit of help sometime. Have a chat with him about your feelings if you haven't already, I'm sure he'll understand.

I agree with that I would do your best to find some way to start your medication again. Quitting cold turkey is really not good and can really mess with you. I know the whole ordeal is a pain, but I think it'll be really beneficial for you in the long run. Try and pick a day to go and get all the paperwork/etc. done, so you're prepared (I'm in Canada, so I know your healthcare/insurance is different if you're in the States). Maybe have a friend, or your boyfriend come along for support?

i really do want to get back on my meds because i can honestly feel myself change and i don't like it. i feel so drained all the time, my attitude is getting worse, and i just feel so alone. i honestly do hate being dependent on a pill though. idk it's just tough

i think i might have a talk with him and just let him know that i'm going to need his support more than ever. the one thing i'm kinda worried about is that i just started a new job and i believe they offer medical insurance, but i think it's not until 90 days. i don't wanna go try to sign up for state insurance again because i don't want it to mess up my chances of getting insurance with my work. idk there's just so much lol

This is maybe a stupid idea, but I'm going to say it anyways.

If you can confirm that it is 90 days, you could start a kickstarter or reach out to charities for medical support. That way you can get the meds you need until you get the medical insurance.

nothing is a stupid idea, everyone's advice is appreciated. i think i might just suck it up and just go into the state insurance place and just deal with it.

Hi , I don't think there's anything wrong with being "reliant" on medication. You wouldn't make a diabetic feel bad about needing insulin. I'm on my perfect mish-mash of medication and (with therapy) have stopped self-sabotaging my relationships, finances and living situation, which, as someone with BPD, I did far too often before. I'm still digging myself out from the stupid decisions, but things are back in a routine and it feels great.

Let me know if you ever wanna chat. :) I'm happy to listen to you.

Ahhh I'm sorry I don't have much/any insight to offer on the whole medication thing. I've been on & off a few in my time but never great experiences. If it helps you, I really hope you can find a way to get them back though!

One thing I can think of, have you tried GoodRX? < FYI this is an offsite link It's a prescription discount card. I've literally saved over $2,500 on prescriptions this past year with it. Might be worth it to look up your meds! I have the gold account for $10/month because it also covers pets and my rats have expensive meds sometimes... Even that is a better deal than what my health insurance covers on a lot of my meds. u_u

Also... I feel you on "he thinks i'm a "strong young woman who doesn't need a substance to help me" essentially" - I have the same problem, with like everyone in my life. I've accidentally made myself seem too capable. So people seem baffled, etc when I need/want help. It's really frustrating. I wish I could offer some like advice or help there too but man, I just don't know how to deal with it either. I usually just break down and feel real bad but then just get Strong Girl again and pretend it was no big deal. >_> But just know you're not alone I guess! Maybe that's something! <3

i feel like i connect to you right away, as weird as that sounds. i feel like i'm starting to self sabotage myself with relationships with my people and his family and even my work environment, and i don't want to because i want good relationships with people. also, my ptsd from past sexual assault has been making things tough lately. i think i'm going to get back on it, but obviously try to start with small doses and not jump on my normal high dosage.

i've used good rx a couple times, but sometimes since i'm on like 5+ medicines, it's still a lot even with coupons unfortunately. well i'm glad i'm not alone, i'm here for you if you need anything.

it’s not weird. we both have borderline. it’s a hard and harrowing thing to deal with and it affects every aspect of your life and interpersonal relationships. i feel a certain kinship with people who have bpd because you know all the same feelings i felt when i thought i was so alone and so fucking crazy. i’m so sorry that that happened to you. sexual assault can break down all your barriers and build them back up in the strangest ways. i would date someone but the moment he didn’t acknowledge the fact that i folded and put his laundry away or made his favorite supper i was out trying to find someone to validate me and it was usually sexually. that was how i protected myself and it wasn’t fair to him and definitely wasn’t as empowering to me as i tried to believe. he also took issue with the amount of medication i was on but didn’t bat an eyelash when i put away a handle of vodka on a tuesday night. i’m 20k~ in debt, survived a suicide attempt last year, but i’m trying to figure it out and genuinely doing my best. i’m with someone new now too. my medications are 200mg lamotragine, 400mg lithium, 500mg quetiapine and .1mg clonidine. i don’t mean to hijack your thread with my issues but this is what we deal with you know? it sounds cliche but you have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and just fight to keep living. try your best to get back on your meds, even if it’s gradual and even if some days you feel like a zombie. the hypomania isn’t worth it. again! i’m here if you wanna shoot me an smail or comment. we relate on a million different ways i promise. <3 be well, and be good.

i'm gonna send you a friend request if that's cool. and wow, i was on 150mgs of lamotragine, 40 citalopram, 10 adderall, and then they tried putting me on an anxiety med but they make me so tired and i'm already constantly tired lmao. but i'm happy you're still here if that means anything. i'll definitely send you a message ❤

Ahh I'm sorry, it's so unfair & bogus how expensive meds are, even with coupons. u_u You're sweet, sorry I rambled about me, I totally didn't mean too! hugs

I know about Borderline....I have had it for years. It's not a fun ride, but when you get yourself to a good point and learn not to sabotage your recovery, you can do amazing things :)