Has anyone else experienced this now or in the past? It’s truly the harshest feeling to endure.

Sometimes I go 4-5 days without hearing from my gf. It hurts so much, and I am the one always saying I love you, I miss you, asking daily how she slept, how she is, it almost feels like an imposition to ask these basic things.

Ive been asking myself why does she do this? And realising it’s Control. She is in control of when she communicates. She is well aware of the hurt she inflicts on me too, strangely she justifies it.

I feel I am just filling the gaps in between her happiness, I hope I am wrong....

She isn’t asking to see me, isn’t asking to come around, isn’t calling to spend time with me on these silence days..... And when she does decide she wants to spend time with me, a week later, I basically hear all about her friends for a few days. How bad life is for them, their pain, their heartaches. Ofcourse I am interested in her life...but is this really appreciating me and spending time with me?

Also I have asked her about five times in the past two weeks if she is happy, being with me, she hasn’t answered once.

On top of this her few close friends are telling her she is not happy, and this weighs heavily on me. Telling her it’s too hard and it shouldn’t be this hard. Aren’t the best things in life hard work and worth fighting for?

Would appreciate support/friendship/understanding ?

You hit the nail on the head; she's controlling you by giving you the silent treatment because she's a narcissist. And you deserve so, so much better than that. Yes, the best things in life are difficult and well worth fighting for but not like this because what few tell you is that you have to be willing to fight together if it's a relationship. My roommate and I make the choice every day to work together, help each other out, and work through our difficulties as a pair, us versus the problem instead of us versus each other.

If she knows that the silence hurts you, and that hanging out with you is just her unloading on you instead of meaningful time spent together, then she's not helping things. You keep asking her if she's happy with you and she's not responding, and her friends are saying she's unhappy, yet she keeps coming back to you and talking to you because just like a bully finds power over a victim that does not stand up for themselves she is finding power over controlling you.

I know it's hard, but my advice is to leave her. Cut all contact and never look back. You will not find happiness by staying with her, you will be happier moving on. And if you never find another person to be with in that way, find happiness with it. Society pushes you so hard to have a relationship, but you can be happy alone. I grew up with a narcissistic mother who acted a lot of the same way so I've been through this, and getting away from her was the best thing I ever did for myself hands down. If you need someone to talk to please feel free to sMail me, my inbox is always open.

Been there, done that. Silent Treatment is a passive-agressive form of punishment. It is used to control you, make you doubt and second-guess yourself. Making you try harder to please her even more, the next time. She knows exactly what she is doing.

Basically Narcs are like Cyborgs. They don´t need "true love", like normal human beings do - they run on validation, control, drama, the feeling of power, status, the feeling of being highly important and ALWAYS in control. That´s what she wants from you, and as long as she gets it from you, she´ll keep you (as long as she doesn´t find better supply). She knows your buttons, she knows how and when to push them to make you feel sad, guilty, how to provoke you, and how to trigger your inner wounds, your insecurities, your emotions. (Narcs love to inhale emotional drama. They love it.)

She will never change, and I highly suggest you leave and don´t let her hoover you back in (she will probably try - but it´s not because of you as a person - she wants the supply).

The interesting point is: You CAN turn this BS relationship into gold for yourself. ❤️ Since you fell for her, it is safe to assume that at least one of your parents is a Narc. (we instinctively chose what´s familiar to us - not what´s good for us.) So you have learned in your childhood: I am not enough - but I can EARN (fake) love and (fake) appreciation. And that´s what you are now trying to do. That´s the kind of relationship pattern you have learned - the only way to establish relationships and bonding - and that´s what makes you attractive for Narcicissts. So you are "Codependent" type of person. That´s not too bad, and it can be healed. If you don´t work on your inner wounds, you will fall for the next Narc, and the next one, and the next one. Because they feel like home, at the beginning.

It´s not an easy process but if you want to work on it - I highly suggest Dr. Ross Rosenbergs´ Videos on youTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8OgfVyM8u5xhoHTJPa9sOQ He calls it "self love deficiency disorder" (yep, and he is right, it was hard for me to admit at that time, but it´s true.) - SLDS - and the only way to become unattractive to narcs is to work on your inner child - basically to uninstall the program that´s in your subconscious, basically saying "you are not that great - you are not worthy of love - but if you try very very hard and give your all - maaaybe you will be enough" and instead establish self worth, and fill yourself up with self love. Your neediness makes you a perfect target at the moment.

And to understand the mind games Narcs play, to learn how to go "grey rock", to identify when you´re being manipulated and how not to respond to silent tratment etc, check out Quinn´s channel. He is so good, and has helped me so much to understand what is going on. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYotx7-zHSpnE1-CpXpHF6Q

Good luck to you, and if you want to talk, feel free to contact me.

--- oh, and she doesn´t say she´s happy with you, to make you try HARDER to please her :) the more supply the better. it´s that simple.

Hugs!

~ Oak

Thank you both for your reply & kind words. ?