Hey. See... I'm an artist; but i'm not a professional artist, i have no artistic education nor instruction. And I won't tell the old story of "I've been drawing since i can remember" because that would be a big lie. I never liked to draw or color when I was little, I would make a fuss of homeworks demanding a drawing and complain about the ugly colouring books they gave me. See, no early artistic aptitude. But something magic happened when I was nine. Pokémon. I fell dramatically in love with those creatures and demanded my mom to draw them for me on my notebook covers, but she couldn't do that, so I had to find a way and do it myself. After days of ugly sketches, I managed to copy a perfect squirtle on my classroom blackboard and the course of my life changed (I'm not exaggerating) completely. I had a new hobby, I started to copy my favorite cartoons instead of just trace them like the other kids used to do. I copied animals from textbooks (drew lots of tigers <3), people from pictures, and finally I started creating from my own inspiration. Probably then I was passionated. I was denied the art classes I asked for (and the english classes too, haha), but it didn't killed my interest and I kept creating in my spare time (with not much improvement).

Kids grow up and need to make choices for important things as carreers. My parents and teachers pushed me to carreers the tougth was safe and would give me a steady life ("You will starve if you think art is a real carreer" they said). Pushed me to a private college and then... Abandoned me in. In this country, private colleges calls to monthly/annual payments, there is no student loans (i know those are hell tho); so they wanted me to study a carreer I wasn't interested in and to find a job to pay for it and support myself (and...my family, thanks dad. But that is not the point) at age 18.

I failed misserably and I moved from a job to another to keep an income and pay the bills (I'm the firstborn in a family with 4 children), until the world crashed. A dirty government ruined the economy and the society (I don't wanna talk about politics), and life turned tougher. As the economy was crashing faster and faster, I found myself working in a job that would not pay cause the bussiness was going down; ended up feeding my family with mango (very common fruit, when it's in season you can find it everywhere and free). I didn't had the time to improve my art for years, but I took my old pen tablet and used my las money to buy an old, used, very damaged minilaptop (which i'm using RN) and put all my hopes on those rusted artistic skills.

I came to the internet, got a PayPal (which is almost impossible to get here) after months of stress, and started selling my art. I've been living out of this for almost 2 years now. I do very little money, but It's been enough to put real food on my table, pay my internet bill... I even invested in a new (little and cheap) pen tablet cause the old one nedded to retire.

After 2 years of this I see very little improvement. I hate everthing I create and don't feel passionated about my own possible projects. I look back to that poor excuse of a portfolio and hate everything, hate the lineart, hate the colours, hate the artist. I rarely feel moved to create for myself. At this point I should have a solid project of something, anything... a comic, an illustration series, whatever! But I'm completely convinced that I'm terrible, and can't create anything, that everycompliment is a lie, and every art piece sold was because of people felt pity about me and my situation... Not because they like what I do.

I don't know, this sensation ... this lack of passion is allways there. The more I see from other artists (more educated, more instructed, may be more talented) the more frustration I feel and the most I hate what I do.

There are 2 things i know -You should never compare to other artists, everyone is different (but I still feel frustraded, cause I'm terrible). -There is no age for learning, there is no age for art (I'm 29 already! WHERE DID MY LIFE GO?) But I still feel frustrated because I see everyone is better than and I feel I'm too old to make art my carreer (that would means I have no carreer at all then!).

I don't know what to do, how to feel... I was diagnosed with depresion and anxiety a year ago but because the country is still crumbling and I'm a prissoner here with out passport (sounds ridiculous, but they turned the passport procedure into a hell and a lottery; unless you bribe someone, you wont get it), I haven't seen my therapist more thant just once this year.

This is too much.

Sorry if this is too long, I don't know where else go to cry my sorrow tonight.

I'm really sorry you feel this way. I'm pretty much in the same boat. I never think my work is good enough, even though other people say it is. I did go to art school though. Graduated and all. But I'm stuck here working a receptionist job because I can't get an art job and I have to pay the bills some way. There's just way too much competition where I am and I don't really want to move. I don't really like this job, but I'm somewhat comfortable here and that's a big thing for someone with anxiety and depression. I don't really have any advice to give - I guess I just wanted to commiserate. I hope things get better for you and your family.

Although I have to say, where I live in the cold-ass north, lol, mangoes are stupid expensive and when we can get them, they're frozen or canned usually, so to have a fresh mango sounds amazing to me.

I can relate in the sense of not feeling any type of passion but the difference is I am not really good at anything at all. I didn't really go to school and I gave up basically.i'm already 30 yrs old and tbh I don't know what I would do without my loved ones. I am a caregiver for my aunt who has ds and without that I have not much experience in jobs. I never found something like I don't think I ever wanted to be anything or do anything. My parents never pushed me to do anything, actually my mom was basically always at my grandmas helping them and she never helped me with homework or did anything with me like hobbies or anything. I learned to give up easily instead of trying to do things. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. I hope that you are able to overcome this and find your passion again and flourish <3 stay strong.