Neither Here nor There....

Upon being laid off feb 26th one day after my birthday i decided to get my home goals done, drywall texture, paint the master bedroom & add carpet, texture, paint the guest bathroom, living room, dinning room, foyer. As I cannot focus on one project, I had also decided to get a garden and chicken coop going.

Things were going great, i was getting the supplies i needed from recycling fence panels from my sisters old goat pen after I built her a larger goat pen. upon getting them home the next few days i measured the area i wanted dug the holes put the panels up and was making the gate just to find out my landlord septic tank is near the area i wanted to put a fire pit in, now i dont know how septic tanks work but i guess where my garden is there is lines running for water to come out and if i had a ground garden my watering would interfere with the septic tank, so now i had to figure out how to have an above ground garden. So i went to a local construction site talked to the boss man and had the approval to dumpster dive and grab scraps...... perfect......

I did mention i could not focus one one project earlier right..... lol

The chicken coop, my neighbor was getting rid of a rotting dog run, another perfect opportunity. with their tractor it was delivered over to my yard under a tree to help provide shade. I sewed to top rail and the bottom rail as well as fix a hole, next i went back to the construction site and asked about the stucco wire scraps which was also not a problem i tied the wire around the whole chicken run, my sister had a large metal panel she was not using so that went on top of the run and i also added the stucco wire on top to keep the chickens safe from hawks .....perfect the run was safe and sound...... now to build the coop....... (4) 2' / 4x4 posts so i didn't take too much of the run away from the chickens, a platform and the framing done......

March and April besides putting in applications, my life went from house repairs, to chicken run, to garden back and forth depending on supply's and my mood.... lol

fast forward to may 16th, hells bells i woke up to sever pain in my lower back. i could not move, sneeze, cough, yawn/stretch and in some cases breath deep without sever pain, by the time the 28th came around and everything was getting worse i went to my PCP which i was sent out to get an xray and MRI a month and half later my insurance finally approved my MRI after me trying PT.... within a day my doctor is having me come in and pick up a referral to go see a back specialist , My L4-5 and L5-S1 the disc was bulging out and pinching the nerve root. in 3 days i was the doctor and was referred out again to get an epidural steroid injection, no thanks to my insurance another month had gone by before i could even be seen by the pain doctor, another month due to insurance went by and i finally got my first shot, mid August i finally got pain relief for 1 week.....

TRIGGER WARNING

Not a proud moment in my life, as i try to stay upbeat, i plummeted..... losing my job a day after my birthday, not being able to finish my garden or chicken coop, and being months in pain where it shoots down my leg to my toes then comes back up my leg as pins and needles, nothing was going well for me, being so hungry unable to work and UI ran out i went to Walmart and stole food to eat and got caught which i know it sounds wired but im glad i was caught who knows if i succeeded where it would have gotten me, the sheriff drove me home the car in-pounded..... 2 days later fed up tired and unable to sleep from the pain i attempted suicide i was done with the non stop pain, the pangs of hunger, feeling like a worthless loser, and stooping so low as to try to steal food .... i no longer wanted to be on this earth so i wanted to take my life. i was unable to pull the trigger on my rifle,so i went to the knives, then i though how rude of me to mess up the landlords house with blood and gore everywhere, so i went to my pills and just started to take a bunch. upon laying down i thought what would my mom think if she was still alive and what about my sister how selfish i am and what the hell am i going to put her through, so i received a ride to the hospital by ambulance stayed overnight and by early morning i had lied my way through to being released to my sister ...... welll 2 weeks later i tried gain to take my life by pills again but did not call for help, and of course if im here writing this it did not work.

not to sound boo hoo poor me but im hitting rock bottom and thinking about doing what i talked about in the trigger warning but this time outside , any how

at the present moment iv had 2 epidural injections with little to no relief from pain electricity will be shut off soon ill be evicted Dec.1 for not being able to work and pay rent for 5 months I had a calf named beef and had to get rid of her because of the lack of care i can provide still no job eating rice and beans

yes i go to my local food box when i can get a ride, ive also tried some resources to get help for rent (nothing available) and electricity (apt Thursday) and ive put in for food stamps waiting on the interview.

I just dont know what to do any more im going to be homeless and no one can help and no one can take me in, sorry for the super long rant but it does feel good to get it out of my mind.

Im entering a hole i do not want to visit.... my mind is Neither here nor There .... its just in a survival mode eat, sleep stay alive

Trigger

But i want to die, i want the pain and suffering gone nothing helps nothing is worth it

Survival
Masquerade	[Dance=lunawolf]
Vesnali
Morostide		[egg=lunawolf]	[tp=lunawolf]

Survival
Masquerade	[Dance=lunawolf]
Vesnali
Morostide		[egg=lunawolf]	[tp=lunawolf]

Logged Out

Neither Here nor There....

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