query thread
Replies
have a question? get some answers, or at least try to in the uncaring face of forum boards.
this is a combo brainstorm/general knowledge/advice thread, basically anything you want to ask about, anything from HA advice to homework or writing help or advice in any real life area... nobody here might know but at least we can try!
i'll post unanswered questions up here so they can get some attention, when it has been answered to your satisfaction or you give up lmk and i'll remove it.
current queries:
main character name (post is right below)
My nanonovel main character is named Mason
I named her that like 20 years ago when I made her up and the name has since got connotations that make it so I don't like it as a main character name anymore for her but renaming her would change the character in my head.
So I'm going to write the whole thing and then change her name post writing or something.
Her name is supposed to be a sort of weird last-name-as-first-name family name thing. I looked up some alternatives and two possibles are Sutton and Beckett. Are either of those obviously better? Should I give her a more traditional first name like Megan or Shannon and just rewrite the few bits that would have to change if her name were a different kind?
Tell me what you think...
i like Beckett a lot, not knowing much about your main character I don't know what fits her, but I do really like the idea of a last name as a first name, and I think sticking to that similar category is smart to help retain the feel of the character. Mason also my immediate thought is it's traditionally masculine, so maybe that's a direction you could think for new name too, like something like Jonesy, Carter, Channing, or Stone. (Stone also has the link of stone masonry...)
i think if its definitely down to Beckett vs Sutton though it just depends on the character, Beckett to me stands out as someone more spitfire, maybe more of a traditional action heroine sort, while Sutton sounds like someone who's more calm and collected.
Other name requirements for her:
- shouldn't start with the same letter as another major character's first name if possible
- should be 2 syllables
- should not contain a L or R sound
- should not start or end with a vowel sound
you can see it was hard to find examples. "Channing" might work too though. It fits my requirements (there's a somewhat major character named Caryn whose name I might have to change because there's a character in the sequel named Karen, and I might change it to Cheryl, which would start with the same sound as Channing. Other major character first names start with D, R, J, M, N, K sound (spelled with C or K). Then there's several characters whose names start with A or E. So a S or B name works well... based on your description, she's not at all a spitfire or action heroine so maybe I should go with Sutton. It's more traditionally used for women too which I think is possibly better as she's a fairly feminine presenting character who has a female gender identity too, she's totally cis. She's not entirely traditionally feminine as she's got a lot of active/assertive/dominant energy which is coded masculine in most cultural assumptions, but that doesn't affect her identification or gender performance at all.
When I named her Mason, it was a masculine leaning name but it wasn't a popular name at all yet. Now it is really popular and maybe too associated for me with other characters to work for her anymore.
does anyone want 1 csc... bc of sales my stash ends in 6 instead of 5 and i Don't Like That so whoever pings me first can have 1 csc if you want that, just set up a junk trade
send me the 1 csc please!
mine is 147 csc. I don't mind. if you want, when you've send me 5, I can send them back. ;)
thanks so much! sent it!
for writing purposes: any ideas on how long it would be reasonable, for someone to be continually screaming (like, only stopping to take a breath) and have their voice be very hoarse or only a whisper but still able to use it afterwards? not having much luck googling it
(context, rey having a flashback to being tortured and just screaming because that's what she did then too, i need her still able to talk for the scene i'm writing afterwards but kylo tells her how long she was out of it for and i'm waffling about what number of minutes to put there? did research on flashbacks already, any amount of time is reasonable there)
For voice hoarseness, there's no right or wrong answer as it depends on various factors. Overstretching any muscle can cause problems. Intensity, how often, vulnerabilities (e.g. smoking), etc. play factors. When writing stories, you don't have to be super precise. It could be 1 intense scream, especially if one doesn't raise one's voice often, that causes raspiness. Even dry air or fatigue can cause one's voice to be raspy.
From a reader's perspective: I think any longer than 5 minutes wouldn't be believable for a reader and might break some immersion. Although considering the strength of a character and the setting, you could push it up to 10 since there's quite a bit of other "unbelievable" things about in that world as well.
From a writer's perspective: I really like the image of her sucking in a huge breath as she comes out of it and letting out one looong scream that goes on until she has no air left.
On average someone can hold their breath for 30-40 seconds (looked up); average singers can hold a note for 10-20 seconds (looked up), and 20-35 seconds average for some of the more amazing singers I've heard (from my own timing/videos I've watched). Although that is singing and not screaming, but the statistics should at least be similar.
It would be a different way to make the raspy voice believable for the reader. And it could be a way to build some tension in a more subtle way (not that overt tension by way of lots of screaming is bad, just different options).
I would think about matching the tone of the flashbacks when considering lots of screaming or one long scream. Also it depends on what you want to show for her character and how you want others (Kylo) to perceive her. Is this something that is still traumatic and an issue for her? Is she trying to overcome and move past those events? Maybe this is an opportunity to show character development? Do you want her to be shown as being vulnerable or having mental fortitude?
Oh, and scene transitioning as well. Going from lots of screaming in the flashbacks, to Rey screaming and coming out of it is a smooth transition, which is good to show the passage of time. While the transition from flashback screaming, to silence, to Rey's scream, to the varied tones of their conversation is dynamic and creates a more unsettling tone.
You have probably already thought the things I asked questions about and I went a little off base from the question you were asking, but I just wanted to give my rambling (and definitely not proofread) opinion about benefits of a long scream (which sounds like a weird garage punk song title) and also give you some food for thought~
sorry if I'm imposing myself
not at all! it's all rey's perspective, and i didn't wanna go into a long anguished description of what she's seeing. she's not actually aware of herself screaming so i don't describe that, just kylo talking about it afterwards.
the "fifteen minutes" is the part im trying to decide what number to put in there, 15 is too many but that's why i'm asking, i got no clue short of just standing there screaming for myself but that doesn't sound like fun for me or my housemates ;)
i'm thinking she's having an acute stress reaction, i'm gonna have more of this shit later on in the story too, and her trying to deal with it in addition to everything else she's trying to deal with in this fic (suddenly being part of the leadership of a dictatorship, being under intense scrutiny from Hux, wrestling with her own morality, trying to actually improve things instead of just surviving). it's about 15 hours after she got tortured in the first place, which might be too soon, i'm trying to research it but none of these articles are mentioning how soon it can set in, only the other end of the bracket.... if you have any thoughts on that too that'd be appreciated.
here it is
She might’ve been here for Kylo, once, she realises. But Kylo’s refusal to save the Resistance until Rey acquiesced to her soured her to that idea. They were just both playing their own sides, and they still are. Kylo’s the galaxy’s last hope, but it’s not because she’s kind or good or because she wants to be. It’s because she can be manipulated.
Rey realises with a sensation of time freezing that that’s what Snoke thought, too.
She feels, for a moment, like she can’t breathe, and though she is walking down the corridor she is standing still and the corridor is moving around her, and it is warping and stretching. She knows Kylo is speaking but she can’t hear her. She can’t hear and she can’t move but she is moving, and she can’t breathe but she can feel her heartbeat in her hands. Her arms belong to someone else’s body.
She is not there, then, but suspended in the air in the cavernous red throne room, and all that is above her is red, there is no ceiling and no space there just the colour, just the endless colour, and everything she is belongs to someone else as it always has only this time it’s not okay, it’s not okay, it’s not okay--
Eventually Rey realises what she’s actually looking at is darkness, and that the darkness is from having her face buried in her arms. After a few moments more she realises she is breathing, and that she is breathing heavily, and that she is sitting. Slowly -- slowly -- she dares to move her arms.
She’s sitting in a hallway, as nondescript as the rest on the Supremacy. She looks around. Kylo is sitting cross legged on the floor to her left, a good couple feet between them, a datapad bright in her lap but watching Rey. ‘Can you hear me?’ she asks.
Rey nods, looking away and realising her mouth is hanging open, but doesn’t care enough to close it. Her mouth is dry and her throat feels incredibly sore. She swallows with difficulty in an attempt to find her voice. ‘What--’ she takes a breath. ‘What happened?’ Her voice is so hoarse she can barely hear herself speak.
‘You had some sort of episode; you can answer that better than I can.’
She looks at Kylo again. She looks calm, eyes filled with their usual gentle sadness. ‘I meant... with my...’ she tries to gesture vaguely, but instantly decides it’s not worth it. ‘Body,’ she finishes.
‘Oh. Well. You started screaming, and then you curled up in a ball against the wall there. I had this hallway closed off, I figured you didn’t need extra attention.’
‘Oh. Th. Thanks.’ She swallows again, throat desperate for what it can get. ‘How long was it since...’ She trails off.
‘Since you started screaming? About fifteen minutes.’
‘I was screaming for fifteen minutes?’
‘I was impressed too.’
She laughs, and although it comes out silent some part of her feels infinitely better for it, the darkness that had settled over her body dissipating. She feels realer, and like she can actually conceptualise control of herself. ‘Can I have water?’
I think that the 15 minutes is fine there. My suggestion would be to break the "She..." sentences off into all separate lines to spread out and make it feel like there is more time passing. Plus the "She feels..." "She knows..." "She can't..." "She's not..." makes a really nice rhythm and drives the point that something wrong is happening.
As for the 15 hours being too soon part, I don't think it is at all. She should be super weak mentally and physically from going through that trauma. So the fact that she is up and about that soon after, shows how strong she is in the first place. Although, I don't know about acute stress reactions, but from what I can infer I would say that as long as it feels like Rey has been whipped around and had a bunch dumped on her in the last 15 hours, then it's believable. If there was a long time of her resting, then not so much. Did Snoke have some part in the torture? I assume so because her thinking about him reads as triggering her to have the flashback.
(Disclaimer: I have only seen The Force Awakens. Sooo...all of my help is purely off of what you say and write.)
oh, yeah, lol, this is based off stuff from the last jedi. in one part snoke basically tears all the information of what happened to rey recently out of her while rey is suspended in midair unable to move, which is the part she's flashing back to. it reading as triggering was on purpose, i'm glad i conveyed that successfully!
there's... been a lot happening to rey in these hours, she hasn't really had time to think about it. (actually, redoing the math, it's probably more like 10? it's somewhere in there.) but from my experience & what i understand of other people's, it takes a bit for things to actually set in. particularly since rey has been completely bombarded with things happening to her for those 10-15 hours, and completely unrelated information she's had to process and deal with. she hasn't spared a thought to what happened to her until now.
i did find one site that gave 3 days to a month for the time for acute stress reaction, so i'm wondering if i should just have her have a panic attack instead of a full blown flashback..? which, btw, i hear what you're saying about breaking up that paragraph, but i don't want to make it slow actually! it would be all happening very consecutively. also it's not the cadence i write rey's pov in, i would absolutely do that if it was kylo's pov because ky lingers over thoughts more, rey is more just straight up descriptive.
i did decide to drag out the afterwards more kind of as a counterpoint, i wrote this all when i was very tired so i didn't linger much but going over it now i'm adding more description of her being all shaky and wrung out. thanks a bunch for your input; i'll stick with the initial instinct of 15 minutes.
(the premise of the fic, btw, is rey uses herself as a bargaining chip and joins the first order in exchange for kylo sparing the resistance, and now is dealing with what that means. this is chapter 5, when rey is finally getting the prospect of some sleep, and she and kylo are walking back to where rey's staying when this happens.)
With all of what you said, I think you've got it~! And I wouldn't worry about adhering to the 3 days for the acute stress reaction. Since you aren't diagnosing her in the fic, I think the reaction she has is perfectly believable. Especially since it's showing her finally thinking back to what happened for the first time.
And for the cadence of the paragraph, maybe try having shorter-ish sentences or just a couple more. It just felt too short imo?
what do you think of this?
SPOILER (click to toggle)
She might’ve been here for Kylo, once, she realises. But Kylo’s refusal to save the Resistance until Rey acquiesced to her soured her to that idea. They were just both playing their own sides, and they still are. Kylo’s the galaxy’s last hope, but it’s not because she’s kind or good or because she wants to be. It’s because she can be manipulated.
Rey realises with a sensation of time freezing that that’s what Snoke thought, too.
She feels, for a moment, like she can’t breathe, and though she is walking down the corridor she is standing still and the corridor is moving around her, and it is warping and stretching. She knows Kylo is speaking but she can’t hear her. She can’t hear and she can’t move but she is moving, and she can’t breathe but she can feel her heartbeat in her hands. Her arms belong to someone else’s body. The world is a fishbowl of dark grey around her, breath catching in her throat again and again and again. She glances around desperately for purchase. She can’t see Kylo anymore. She can’t see anything anymore.
She is not there, then, but suspended in the air in the cavernous throne room, and all that is above her is red, there is no ceiling and no space there just the colour, just the endless colour, and everything she is belongs to someone else as it always has only this time it’s not okay, it’s not okay, it’s not okay--
She’s not okay--
Eventually Rey realises what she’s actually looking at is darkness, and that the darkness is from having her face buried in her arms. After a few moments more she realises she is breathing, and that she is breathing heavily, and that she is sitting. Slowly -- slowly -- she dares to move her arms. The muscles in them are held tightly, and she doesn’t know how to make them relax, or in fact make them do anything at all. Somehow they obey her anyway, and somehow she picks her head up. She feels tinny. She feels as though she is shaking though she is holding very still.
She’s sitting in a hallway, as nondescript as the rest on the Supremacy. She looks around. Kylo is sitting cross legged on the floor to her left, a good couple feet between them, a datapad bright in her lap but watching Rey. ‘Can you hear me?’ she asks. At first it sounds like it is from a great distance, but after a moment Rey realises that it wasn’t, and that it didn’t actually sound like that at all.
Rey nods, looking away. Her mouth is dry and her throat feels incredibly sore. She swallows with difficulty in an attempt to find her voice. ‘What--’ she takes a breath. ‘What happened?’ Her voice is so hoarse she can barely hear herself speak, and the air necessary to speak at all feels as though it’s coming from an empty tank.
‘You had some sort of episode; you can answer that better than I can.’
She looks at Kylo again. Kylo looks calm, eyes filled with their usual gentle sadness. ‘I meant... with my...’ she tries to gesture vaguely, but instantly decides it’s not worth it. ‘Body,’ she finishes.
‘Oh. Well. You started screaming, and then you curled up in a ball against the wall there. I had this hallway closed off, I figured you didn’t need extra attention.’
‘Oh. Th. Thank you.’ She swallows again, throat desperate for what it can get. ‘How long was it since...’ She trails off.
‘Since you started screaming? About fifteen minutes.’
‘I was screaming for fifteen minutes?’
‘I was impressed too.’
(ran out of character space, hang on)
cont
SPOILER (click to toggle)
She laughs, and although it comes out silent some part of her feels infinitely better for it. She still feels like she’s shaking, and still can’t tell if she is, but some part of her feels realer, more tangible. Her thoughts are like a dropped armful of frogs, and the second she tries to catch one it hops away again, further into the blackness of the hallway. She likes frogs. They’re very good. The first time she saw them in real life was in a big tank in Maz’s castle...
The frog hops out of her hands again, and she remembers where she is. ‘Can I have water?’
‘Yes. Do you want me to bring you some, or do you want to go somewhere else?’
Rey takes a moment to consider the question, and gets distracted by the fact that it’s Kylo asking it. She’s had time, over the past few months, to get used to the idea of people being kind to her. But it isn’t what she’d have expected here. Furthermore the small feral child that lives curled up in her chest wants all the water and thinks Kylo is very shiny for giving it to her, and then the frog wriggles loose. What was the question again?
Rey stares at the floor for a bit before she hears footsteps, and looks up. A stormtrooper approaches trepidatiously carrying a pitcher of water and a plastic glass. Kylo stands in a fluid motion and crosses the remaining couple meters to them. ‘Thank you. Tell no-one about this.’
‘Sir,’ the trooper says, and salutes once Kylo has relieved them of their burden. Kylo gives them a little nod and they about-face, and walk back down the corridor.
Kylo drops back to her knees next to Rey and pours her a glass of water. ‘Here.’
Rey takes it with both hands and drinks it in one go, and fuck, water will never stop being the most delicious wonderful thing to ever exist ever. She holds out the cup for more, wanting to slump and curl up against the wall but that would spill the water so she won’t. Instead she watches the water pour -- miraculously! -- into the cup, and once it has stopped pouring she drinks it all down again, and then again.
‘That’s all there is,’ Kylo says after the third time. Rey looks up at her and for a split second nearly surges forwards and bites, but she is too tired to do that, and so she just stares and would like to be glaring but to furrow her brow is also more energy than she currently has. Kylo seems to get the message anyway. Maybe she is glaring after all. It’s hard to tell. ‘There’s more in the room. You can have it when we get there. Can you stand?’
Rey pouts. She doesn’t want to stand. But she wants more water so she stands anyway, rocking onto her knees and a hand and then pushing herself up, the other arm keeping the glass tucked to her chest. The upright world tilts dangerously when she gets there, and she stumbles but catches herself.
‘It’s this way, it’s only two more hallways,’ Kylo coaxes. She starts walking backwards, still facing Rey as she leads her. Rey follows her, mind almost pleasantly blank. There was something she was supposed to care about, she’s sure, but she doesn’t. She cares about water. The nice lady has some. The world is still very blurry around the edges, and Rey can’t actually quite look at Kylo, who is just a dark mass at the periphery of her vision. Still, she manages to follow her, to trot forward under some power that is not her own.
Please just post/ping me before you read so I can post the second/third parts.
That flashback scene is fantastic. I LOVE the pacing and descriptions!
Hopefully you don't mind me putting on my editor pants and giving some somewhat nitpicky feedback...
Disclaimer: I know this looks like a lot, but don't worry about it or feel overwhelmed, some of it is pointing out parts I like and some of it is me grasping at words. Also, some parts are written with a tone that imply I'm commanding you to change x-thing, but I am in no way forcing you to or mean you any ill-intent by my suggestions. I tend to either be concise or wordy, there is no in-between, so some of it is due to the terse-side of me. Your writing was wonderful and none of these changes are necessary since this isn't a professional publication, and some are just my opinion anyway; change what you want or nothing at all. As long as you are happy with your work that's what matters! You have my blessing and critique~
The rest of the paragraph, including this sentence, is beautifully written. The repetition lends to the uneasy, panicked tone and you described her emotional state in a wonderfully poetic way; the reader knows exactly whats happening without being told outright. Probably my favorite part in the first half~
boop
started reading but then remembered you said 'before reading' so oops. stupid character limit.
Sorry for the late reply! I was doing some pet profile work~ One more post after this. :)
<p>‘Can you hear me?’ she asks. At first it sounds like it is from a great distance, but after a moment Rey realises that it wasn’t, and that it didn’t actually sound like that at all.</p>
<p>Rey nods, looking away. Her mouth is dry and her throat feels incredibly sore. She swallows with difficulty in an attempt to find her voice.</p>
<p>‘What--’ she takes a breath. ‘What happened?’ Her voice is so hoarse she can barely hear herself speak, and the air necessary to speak at all feels as though it’s coming from an empty tank.
"At first Kylo's voice sounds as if it's coming from a great distance, but after a moment Rey realises her voice was coming from much closer."
Or maybe have Kylo need to repeat herself because Rey doesn't respond immediately:
"‘Can you hear me?’ she asks. Kylo's voice sounds like she is a great distance away, or as if there is a wall in-between them.
'Rey, can you hear me?' Kylo repeats, her voice seeming to fade in to a normal volume."
Obviously our styles are different, so I don't expect you to change it to that exactly. Just so you get what I'm thinking (because I don't know how to describe what I think is off about that sentence).
<p>‘I meant... with my...’ she tries to gesture vaguely, but instantly decides it’s not worth it, ‘...body,’ she finishes.
Instead of editing/erasing what I already said, I'm leaving my train of thought.
I realise now that you want to reinforce that Rey was looking away from Kylo and only now looked back. So this then:
<p>‘What--’ she takes a breath. ‘What happened?’ Her voice is so hoarse she can barely hear herself speak, and the air necessary to speak at all feels as though it’s coming from an empty tank.</p>
<p>‘You had some sort of episode; you can answer that better than I can.’</p>
<p>Rey lifts her head to look at Kylo again. She looks calm, eyes filled with their usual gentle sadness.</p>
<p>‘I meant... with my...’ she tries to gesture vaguely, but instantly decides it’s not worth it, ‘...body,’ she finishes.