I guess I'll start from the beginning. I came out as trans a month ago and this has something I've been putting off for a very long time, mostly because I was in denial. Problem number one is that I'm in a four year long almost perfect relationship, BUT my boyfriend in straight. I'm a guy too. Oops. We are still together as of now. I decided to forego any sort of hormonal treatment so I can stay with him (not the ONLY reason, but the biggest one) and in the beginning I let him use female pronouns with me. The latter didn't work out and I asked him to treat me as a guy. Although he has been doing what I asked, I know he sees me as a girl. He doesn't want me to get my breasts removed (which I already decided I will do >eventually<) but that's something he said he can get over. The problem is that I feel like my relationship is now a time-bomb. The moment the penny drops and he realizes and goes "well my fiance is really a guy" I feel it's going to be over. And the problem is that I freaking love him. I don't want him to be alone, without me who's gonna cook him dinner when he gets home (oh yeah, we live together too, so there's that) or bring him to the UFO machines? Or laugh at our stupid inside jokes? I feel like I'm robbing him of happy times by being trans and that maybe I should just try to live my life in the closet for the sake of us but the thought of that also makes me incredibly sad. I'm just rambling at this point, the point is, this whole situation in giving me anxiety because I can't just live one day at a time, I NEED to think about the inevitable future where he breaks up with me. I actually tried breaking up with him last weekend but I just couldn't. He cried so much and I cried too because I didn't really want to do that. Idk it's all a mess.

Problem number two is that I expected better from my parents. My mom just flat out refuses to use the right pronouns most of the time because she says it's 'difficult' for her and she makes it clear she sees me as a girl. My dad just flat out said what I want to do in regard to my breasts is mutilation and refuses to use male pronouns with me, instead, he goes with neutral ones which are better than female ones I guess. I suppose this is normal behavior I just thought it would be different with them :(. My grandmother who raised me thinks I'm doing this just to make a political statement (it was election time around the time I came out) to spite her candidate, who is that infamous guy who won the election in Brazil DX. I suppose I should give it some time to my parents. I already accepted my grandma is not accepting me. She just pretends nothing happened now.

People just don't 'get' me too. They ask how can I be trans if I like wearing make-up and don't mind wearing dresses and skirts. Idk, I feel like a boy, I feel gender dysphoria, is that not freaking enough? Can't boys wear skirts too sometimes? So I stopped doing those things to 'prove' myself to people but idk it makes me sad seeing all my make-up rotting away Ç_Ç.

Also, I don't know what to do with my life. I want to go to medical school, but for reasons both monetary (the paid one is super expensive and the test is super difficult) and out of my own dumbness (for the free one you have to take a test and it's 200 people per opening :D). Well, screw me for being crap at math and physics. So I've been thinking of other things I could do and considered biology because I like the subject, but idk what someone with a degree in biology can do aside from research, which is treated as a joke in Brazil, and teaching, which I'm not sure I'd be good at doing. I thought about going to art school too but surely my parents will be against it considering I already have a degree in design (game design, but still).

I hate myself, I'm 22, depend financially on my parents and can't find a job and have no idea what I should do for the future. Sometimes I feel like I should just die or something or that I'm not fit to live in a normal society because I can't seem to function like a proper human being :( The only things I'm remotely good at are drawing and cooking. When I feel like crap I only have my fiance and my mother to talk, because my dad just doesn't get feelings and I feel like I have no friends. Like, I have people I can hang out with, but no one to actually listen when I just want to hug someone and cry. I feel like the only person I'm not a burden to is my fiance but as I said before, I think our relationship will eventually end and then I'll be completely alone :(

I know a lot of people have it a lot worse, so I probably sound like an entitled brat. I mostly just wanted to vent, sorry :(

First of all, I commend you on coming out. That isn't an easy thing I imagine, but you have to be true to yourself. If you're not happy with who you are, how can you be happy with anyone else? You have to be able to care about yourself before you care about anyone else. I'm not trans, but I'm slowly, think glacially, coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably bi.

If your fiance really loves you for you, he may come around. If he doesn't, I'm really, really sorry, but it's probably for the best. You deserve to find someone who loves you for you. You should never feel like you have to deny your true self for anyone.

I'm really sorry your parents aren't taking this better. We expect to hold our parents to a higher standard - after all, they're the ones who raised us our whole lives. But the fact is, they're people too, just like everyone else, and it may take them a while to come to terms with the fact that the daughter they thought they had is really their son.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with guys wearing skirts and makeup, no matter what their orientation is or whether they consider themselves a boy or genderqueer or whatever label you choose. Anyone can like anything, simply put. You're not harming anyone by being who you are. It would be far crueler to deny yourself what makes you happy simply to make someone else happy.

As far as college goes, can you take your first year or two at a community college? Or just take basic classes at first that all degrees need? That way, maybe you can feel it out a bit, talk to others in the fields you're considering, maybe do some job-shadowing, which you could even do before you go to college at all.

I'm so, so sorry you're feeling so down right now. You deserve to be happy. Please don't hate yourself. And what is normal society anyways? Who decides that? We're all different, so really there is no normal. What's normal for me isn't normal for you, and what's normal for you isn't normal for someone else, and it goes on and on. Your normal is just as relevant as anyone else's normal.

That's awesome that you're good at drawing and cooking. I love drawing, myself. I would like to be better at cooking, but I like eating more than cooking, lol. I feel like that same way about my friends sometimes. I don't feel like I can get all emotional with them. My parents either, for that matter. You do not sound like an entitled brat at all though. You sound like a person who's having a bit of a rough go at the moment. But things will get better, I promise. Maybe not today, or next week, or next year, but one day you'll realize that you're living your life and you're happy and things are all right. I hope that day comes quickly for you.

hugs

thank you for the kind words <3

First of all, I am sorry about all of this. Coming out as trans is never easy (I should know XD) You deserve to be happy and if you stay closeted, that probably wouldn't happen. Least not in my experience. It probably felt like a huge weight had been lifted from you maybe?

Hope your boyfriend comes around. If he doesn't then, it may be better to end things, because you do deserve someone who loves you for who you are.

In regards to your parents, I am sorry about their reactions too. I think it can take a lot of time for parents or siblings to understand because they have known you for so long as who you were before. I hope they will come around, and that they will try to accept you. Unfortunately it's hard to tell people's reactions before you come out.

As for wearing skirts and dresses and makeup, that is totally fine, even as a transguy or a boy. I do it . It doesn''t make you any less of a boy, at all. And you should never have to prove yourself to anyone. Only you get to decide who you are :) Gender dysphoria is difficult enough to deal with, without people's reactions.

As for the rest of it. I am so sorry you are feeling low. I hope things will look up for you and that you can find a job. It's awesome that you are good at cooking and drawing, and use those to focus on.

If you need to talk about being trans or anything else, please feel free to message me. I hope things will look up for you.