I am having a sort of dilemma currently. It's something that is just mildly frustrating now, but will become an issue later if it isn't dealt with.

I have these two friends, let's call them D and F. Recently I have begun to feel that spending time with F drains me a lot of my social energy. I like spending time with her, but we don't really do banter nor inside jokes, and mostly it's just listening to her talk about whichever romantic or sexual problems she might currently have. I like her a lot as a person, but the fact that the friendship doesn't go deeper than that makes it kind of draining. She gets very personal and shares intimate details about herself, her life and encounters, and sometimes it's just a lot. It would be different if there was that fun banter and inside jokes, but that's just not the case.

My friendship with D is very close. I've been friends with her boyfriend for years before they met, and we just clicked pretty fast. She can be draining too, but when we spend time together, it's just relaxed in a completely different way. We hang out at least twice a week for working out, cooking meals together and otherwise hanging out. We rarely plan these things in advance, often they just happen.

Here's the issue. F REALLY wants to spend time with D and I, which is fine because we do like her as a friend, and we want to spend time with her too. But whenever F finds out that D and I have hung out without her, she adopts this sort of guilt-trippy attitude. I get that she just wants that friendship, but whenever she does those guilt trips, it just makes us not really want to hang out with her. D has tried to talk to her about this before, but F then later came to me and told me that it had just been something D misunderstood (which I know isn't the case, it was over some passive aggressive guilt texts in the group chat). When she learns we've hung out, it is often met with "Please remember to invite me next time", "Oh I was just bored at home all day", "If only I had been there" etc. I KNOW she just wants to hang out and feels hurt that we don't include her every single time we hang out. I'm conflicted because I want to be her friend, but this behavior just doesn't feel nice to be subjected to. There has definitely been times where her hurt has been warranted, but it happens almost every time.

I really don't know how to approach her about this guilt-trip behavior without making it feel like an attack. I'm afraid that if we don't talk to her about it, she will eventually grow to resent us because we haven't been including enough. I am really looking for an approach that will make it easier on both parties, because I do enjoy hanging out with her in a group setting. She is a few years younger than D and I.

So uh .. yeah. Help?

Hi there! Stumbled on your post while trying to find stuff to do on subeta and wanted to reply cuz I have gone through a somewhat similar situation. Firstly I want to say I'm sorry that you have to go through this because it really is super frustrating, especially when you are concerned about hurting someone else's feelings but don't want to struggle on with this draining sensation only to inevitably ruin your relationship regardless.

The best thing you can possibly do is communicate. Sit down with F and figure out what is going on. I would personally recommend having a one on one, because if you invite D, F may see it as an attack and immediately become defensive and feel ganged up on--but do what is most comfortable for you is most important! It may also be nice to go to a neutral location, such as the park or lunch or something just so everyone feels the most comfortable and I find we think more clearly and are aware of what we say more so in public spaces.

It will be awkward and you will be feeling incredibly anxious (especially leading up to the conversation) but it's only natural. Once you have the talk, it will really become such a relief and so much weight lifted off your shoulders! Just reassure F that you really value your relationship with them and do want to include them in more outings and what not, but explain to them that you do have an incredibly close relationship with D given the amount of history the two of you share. Things take time! F just needs to be patient with the both of you, clearly you two do value F's friendship but how can F expect to just immediately share all the history the both of you share?

To me, it seems like F's behavior may actually be a cry for help. It sounds like they may be incredibly lonely and possibly feeling pretty down and unsatisfied? This is just my opinion and from what you have written, clearly I don't know F and haven't interacted with them or actually understand how they feel of course, but it does seem that they do need someone, friends. F pouring all these heavy personal things on you isn't fair to both you and D, you are supposed to be friends, not a therapist. But the reason as to why F may be dumping all this heavy life problems on you is because they have no one else to go to with this, and perhaps because they have had to deal with a lot of issues on their own for a while, they have all this pent up feelings and finally an outlet and someone to finally listen to them.

It is a tricky situation, but I wouldn't hold the venting like conversations too much against F, I feel that would be a conversation to have at another time if they do continue (one thing at a time, don't want to overwhelm F or else they will feel attacked). Plus therapy is always an option down the road if F feels comfortable doing that (don't know how you and F feel about mental health but being in college and having counseling so easily available is seriously wonderful! It's very nice to have an unbiased person who listens to whatever you have to say regardless of the topic. But there certainly are other outlets like exercise, writing, hobbies, etc.) Anyway I'm taking this too far off topic lol!

Hope this helped in some way! Everyone is different and situations are never the same so this is honestly just how I would probably approach it from my own experience and from what you have shared. So do what seems appropriate with what I said or just throw it all away if you want, whatever feels right to You! Sometimes it is nice to gain a different perspective, especially when that perspective helps validate or entice your own thoughts and reasoning. Best of luck and hope everything goes well! If you need anything else, have questions, etc. or want to talk about anything just let me know!! : )))

P.S. SO SORRY for the long ass post! I probably rambled on for too long and for whatever reason I can not type for the life of me today, nor summon the words appearing in my head!

Don't feel bad that you rambled, a lot of your conclusions are on point, even if you don't know F, and it did help me get closer to the root of the problem in my own thought process :)

D and I agree that we need to talk to her about this, but the reason I'm a little iffy on doing it one-on-one is because of what happened when D tried to talk to F alone. It was over the phone of course, but the fact that F then came to me and said that it was D who had misunderstood something just screams that F does not think that this behavior is something they need to address nor correct, which is why I am at such an impasse with this. Of course I don't know what D and F said to each other in that phonecall, but what you said about the immediate closeness of D's and my relation is very along the lines of what I'm thinking would be good to say in such a future conversation.

I don't hold having problems and venting about them against her at all, it's really important to not hold all your negative emotions in. I expect all of my friends to be able to talk to me about problems they're facing if that is what they need to do. The problem is that she's not looking to talk about the problem to figure out how to move past it, she is venting outwards and getting nothing sorted inwards.

I have a feeling that when the Conversation happens, we need to adjust our expectations of one another going forward. She has an approach to friendship with an energy that tells me that she is sort of scared to entirely be herself in relation to others, and it's something she herself has to decide to do. I just doubt that she has the emotional growth and sense of self to dare trying to actually be vulnerable towards us, and I think that is what needs to happen in general. The self-appointed victim stuff she is doing now seems to be a learned behavior from a previous not-very-healthy relation, but if she learned how to express the vulnerability to us instead of attempting to weaponize it against us, it would be a lot healthier for everyone involved.

Thank you for responding, it actually helped a whole lot :)