I have a friend with an issue.

She has apparently lost motivation to continue her graduate education. There are a few reasons for this loss in motivation. First, she really didn’t want to go to in the first place. This feeling came about because she heard one of her professors recount the struggles he had while he was in graduate school. She knew that she had a more-laid back personality than her professor, so she naturally concluded that graduate school might not be a perfect fit. However, after she graduated from her undergraduate studies her parents felt that graduate school was the best option for her because there were few job opportunities connected to her major, Entertainment Technology. The plan was for her to graduate with a major in Library Science because she felt comfortable with being inside the library environment. In other words, she spent a lot of time in libraries growing up. However, once she entered graduate school she basically suffered a feeling akin to culture shock. Apparently the coursework for library science is VERY different than what she has seen in the library. She is having difficulty with wrapping her head around concepts such as metadata and cataloging standards.

The second reason for her recent loss in motivation is a drop in self-esteem. The first reason for this lower self-esteem is because my friend and her parents have come into conflict when it comes to certain interests. She is fond of certain video games, but her parents see the games as either “Kiddy” or associated with demons. What they don’t know is that she chooses to play those games because she is aware that they would disapprove of her playing games like Call of Duty, so she plays mostly “E” rated games due to respect of her parent’s feelings (Pokemon, Kirby, etc). On the other hand, my friend has grown bored with playing the piano even though her parents enjoy it. In fact, it wasn’t her choice to start playing piano in the first place; her grandmother signed her up for lessons. Sometime after my friend started lessons her parents decided to form a music group that consisted of the young teenage girls at her church. This might have been where my friend’s fatigue began; her mother had issues with getting all the members together. Several times, only my friend was at the practice sessions. To make matters even worse, the members kept forgetting the songs that were selected for performances because they didn’t come to the group practice often enough!

My friend also had an interest in drawing but lost interest in the hobby as she got older. She is thinking about taking it up again, but she fears she won’t have the time due to her schoolwork. Her mother feels that my friend should have spent more time in art than with video games. But recently when my friend was messing around with some art software on her laptop, her mother told her to put the computer screen down because someone might see the art and think that the art was too “kiddy” or childish.

In addition to the criticism of her hobbies, my friend’s mother also puts a lot of pressure on my friend to keep her face free of zits. The mother’s reasoning for this is because she fears that a good guy will reject my friend because of her appearance and my friend will be forced to choose a partner from the “leftovers”, as the mother calls it.

Is there any advice for my friend to deal with her loss in motivation and self-esteem?

She needs to move out and do whatever feeds her soul. These 'parents' are killing her. Without them like a millstone around her windpipe, she can decide what she wants out of life. Her life, not theirs.

I would suggest she read Captain Awkward, an advice blogger.

These letters in particular. None address her issues specifically, but they all have parts of her problems. Doing what you love Confidence Grad school

None of these deal with her parental problems, but if she resonates with Captain Awkward, she'll end reading letters that will help with that too.

it sounds to me like her mom is trying to live her life through her daughter maybe mom was unhappy with her life so she is living through the daughter ..... your friend needs to take charge of her own life and let everyone involved know that she isn't happy with them pressuring her into all these situations that are making her unhappy ... I know that sounds harsh but sometimes that is what is necessary to make your point and to be happy in her own life ...

Well, this is an unhealthy slave/master situation. Do her parents let her breathe without permission? She either needs to move out or start pushing back against her parents.

Also, where does she live where people don't have a need for people in the entertainment technology field??? To become a librarian is a dead end and thankless job. If she can get a job outside of her state/country with the entertainment degree instead, tell her to go for it and get the hell out.

How old is she, btw? If she's a teenager, she's allowed to be kiddish. If she's 16-20, she needs to start holding her ground against her parents and tell them to mind their own business.

Edit: A thought just struck me; why does the mother care if an open laptop is seen as "kiddish????" Where is this girl drawing? If it's in the living room, let her go to her room with it. Not that this is something needs to be hidden but, jesus, they need to back off.

The kiddish art incident occurred while my friend was at church while her parents were teaching a bible class for young children. My friend was in one of the back rooms when her mother came in and said to close the laptop screen because the kids were about to come in. She's in her 20's, by the way.

As for her degree, she really wants to specialize in something film-related. But she lives in one of the southern United States and chances are the best she could get is something news-station related. Maybe she'll have to do more research, I'm not sure.

Her father noticed that if my friend graduated with an MLIS (Master's in Library Science) and was working at a university, she could replace someone who had worked there for decades if she put in the work.

Thanks for the links!!!

, I completely disagree about librarianship being a very dead-end and thankless job! Public librarianship has a very high rate of job satisfaction and there is a lot of upwards and sideways mobility, particularly if you live in a library-sense area (there are at least a dozen library systems within driving distance of me, and I’ve worked at several of them!). Also, she’s pursuing her masters degree, so I assume that she’s at least in her early twenties.

Librarian here. The coursework to get an MLS/MLIS /is/ very different from an actual library job and doesn’t really prepare you well for being a librarian, in my experience. Cataloging won’t matter much unless she’s writing her own catalog records, but the classwork in the meantime can be frustrating. Does she actually want to be a librarian, though, or did her parents push her into it? Regardless. if she wants someone to talk to about the classes and the field as a whole, I can message you my Facebook info for you to give to her.

I agree with others that the parents sound like they’re very toxic. They don’t deserve a daughter like her and I’m so sorry she has to deal with them.

My advice is for her to try and find a part-time position at a library. Preferably working, but if not that at least volunteering. It’ll help her get out of the house more (and therefore away from her family), if she gets a paid position it’ll help her save up to move out (and if she gets a volunteer position it’ll help her get a better chance at a paid one), and it’ll help her understand more of what actually goes on behind the scenes of a library. If she wants any tips on that, let me know.

Moreover, libraries love artsy volunteers/employees, which can be sonething to shove in the mothers’ face. Some of the especially creative volunteers at my library often make posters advertising upcoming programs, which can really draw in a lot of attendees!

She might also want to look into doing art commissions, maybe even through subeta. If she’s making money from ‘kiddish’ art, it’ll be harder for the mother to put her tastes down (not impossible, though, especially for parents like that.

Finally... please remind her that you’re there for her. She has one incredibly amazing ally in all of her struggles—you! Never underestimate the importance of a friend.

How old is your friend? Do you know her irl...if so what are her parents like? Sorry, I have a really strong notion of what they're like when no one else is around, I just want confirmation. Self-doubt and low self-esteem are learned behaviors, but with a lot of hard work and effort they're curable, but that depends entirely upon them. You could dress up like a cheerleader and do 100000 cheers but if they don't think of themselves as a Champion, its not going to happen. Of course they'll backslide, especially if they fail at something, but failure is a wonderful teacher if you are willing to learn from it, most people with low self worth will just say 'I can't...' and walk away. Bullbutter! they can, they just have to figure out how to get that end result in a way they can. I'm glad she has a friend like you

Mew! Moving out may not help, a lot of...less nurturing parents don't teach Life Skills like budgeting time finances or how to cope. In an emotionally abusive environment, the victim constantly hears that abuse in their heads, so even if she moves out that record will still be playing in her head. Therapy would help, Family Counseling too, but she'd have to open up and that can be really hard because abuse survivors learn not to trust

, yeah, sure she will need help, support, and healing. But she does not have a hope of healing while she's stuck with these... people. "Be this, don't be that. Don't piss sideways. You are not allowed to like plums. Pink anything is not legal." She'll need years to get over the damage they did if she leaves. If she stays, they will kill her spirit and may kill her outright. They sound like a pair of vampires. My heart goes out to the young woman. I hope she makes it.

Its a lot to overcome and if you grow up with hearing "You're such a disappointment! Why can't you be more like your brother/sister/cat/dog/iguana?" you come to see that as normal family dynamics, scary, non? It really kind of scares me that Mummy and Daddy are teaching children about the Bible, tbh "What kind of idiot are you if you don't believe that Jonah was swallowed whole by a whale, lived in its belly for days and was deposited hale and whole on the shores of Nineveh to preach repentance! It says so right here, are you blind or just stupid?" You know, if you want to work with kids your background is checked, too bad that's not the case with having children, psychological profiling, too. "I'm sorry, our tests show that you're a borderline psychopath, please step to your left for sterilization. Have a nice day." And the video games? Dude, she's 22 or 23, she's not 7!

I think your friend needs to think and decide what she wants. Not what her parents want, but what she wants.

I've started grad school because it was the logical step to take after my masters, but it must have been the worst mistake in my life so far. Maybe in her field the atmosphere is different, but in the Life Sciences where I was, it's brutal and totally not worth it. In my field, there are 5 times more graduates than jobs for graduates, so in the end most end up elsewhere anyway. Your friend needs to decide what she wants to do in life, and persue that instead of doing what seems a logical step. Maybe that logical step will never get her to where she wants to be. I've decided to stop my career in Life Sciences (for which I have a bachelor and master degree and almost a PhD) and swap to software engineering where my previous education is useless xD But I'm much much happier doing this than being stuck in the graduate environment. It sucked all my energy out of me.

As for "kiddy" games and art: I'm 29 and I still play pokemon. Who cares about your age if you enjoy playing a game? And somebody needs to make art for kids, so if you enjoy making "kiddy art", who cares? If you enjoy doing it, keep doing it. It's a hobby after all.

For the boyfriend "problem": You can't spend your life pretending to be someone else. It just takes too much energy to keep up some lie. A guy will like you for who you are. If he doesn't, then he's not worth your time anyway.

...She's 20 and she's still taking orders from her parents? Holy crap, the implications... Either way, she needs to put her foot down with her parents and say "no, I will not," and do whatever's necessary to maintain that "no;" especially with that laptop situation. I would've said, "make me" to anyone who dared to get between me and my laptop and I've been doing that since I was eight.

Before anyone labels me as bratty; I didn't exactly grow up in th ebest of environments where everyone respected one another. My house was an abusive one and I'd often have to fight in order to maintain control of, and establish, what's mine so please don't think ill of me if you can help it.

As for the "guaranteed" position of university librarian; there's no point in replacing someone at a job she's not going to like, especially if she has to torture herself to get there. She needs to tell her parents that "no, this isn't what I want to do," and she needs to redirect her focus to moving someplace affordable but close to California in order to pursue her dreams of working in the Entertainment Industry.

It's a common myth a lot of people are guilt into believing; but you don't owe your parents a damn thing. You had no say in being born and you're not ungrateful for putting your foot down and standing up for what you want, especially when you're a fully grown adult. It's your life, live it how you want to.

im sorry to hear about your friend's situation :( tell her she's not alone, and that many other people lived with similar acting parents.

The only advice i have is for your friend to move out asap, though surely she'll need a job to pay rent and other bills. watching financial related videos could help her not make big money mistakes - the financial diet on youtube is a pretty good channel, with down to earth tips and explanations as to why they work or not.

She could try and switch majors, but not unless she knows what she wants to do in life. or she could just drop out, test venues and then go back to school. my parents push me to get a 9-to-5 job... except i did and it simply didnt work out. being a freelancer is a very good venue for me, but it may not work for everyone. However, my point is that we don't have to live our lives according to the norms of others.

i think you might have some input on this... ;p

My friend took the state test in order to get interviews for a position at the public library. She has gone to several interviews but nothing. She's thinking about attending an interview workshop so someone can pinpoint what she might be doing wrong.

Funny thing, after her father graduated from college he couldn't get a job for some time either. Part of the reason because he was "overqualified." My friend is worried that she might be in the same situation.... She has several certificates and a Bachelor's in History in addition to the Entertainment Industry degree.

Her father is pretty disappointed that she's struggling with these classes, mainly because she's gotten excellent grades up to this point in her life. He's worried that if she drops out of school now it'll look bad on her resume because she's only about a year and a half away from finishing the requirements needed to graduate. My friend sometimes wonders if constantly taking classes in the fall then during the summer drained her emotionally.

Her parents think one reason she might be failing is because she hasn't been praying/ reading the Bible as much as she should. They always talk about how her peers have gotten severely sidetracked in one way or another because they stopped being involved with the church.

Her "parents" are going to kill her. It's simply a case of if she's old enough for graduate school, she's a grown adult and can tell her parents to basically to step off. I would bet if she starts with that and pursuing her interests vs her "parents" interests, there would be an almost immediate marked improvement.

My mother was really close to that way when I was young - no Harry Potter or Pokemon because "demonic" - and she thankfully grew out of that phase when a friend of the family (my second mum, technically speaking, since I've known her since I was about 4 years old and I'm going on 29) challenged her to read these things. Mom hated that but she agreed and we now share Harry Potter together.

Just relaying a bit of my story to maybe help your friend along. c: Let me know how things go?

- sounds like your friend might benefit on seeing a counselor. I would suggest she looks up who the counselors are in her university, and go to them to vent so she can get through her problems. As with the parents, if there is any way to distance herself from them, then that would be ideal. If she isn't already, she could live in the dorms/apartment. Gaining independence from my parents helped me alot. It also improved my relationship with my parents. They like to be controlling as well.

Oh...my! While a relationship with the Eternal is important even if its something like Secular Humanism where you believe that a virtuous life has its own rewards on the planet be it living longer or getting invited to a lot of parties because you're kind, funny, or make the best Seven Layer Dip in North America. I'm a Christian so I'm going to say God isn't a bully, He doesn't have a tally sheet to see how many times you pray in a day/week and hold it against you if you're under quota "Ah-ha! You only prayed 4 times yesterday instead of 5, that difference will cost you a year of unemployment!" He understands that we struggle and that we get so wrapped up in our own problems that we forget to ask for His help.

A lot of people don't get a job right out of college and there are a lot who don't work in their field for a few years. When I graduated from College my roommate and I got an apartment together, both of us had BA's in Psychology, Steve was working in a bank and I was tending bar for a year, good jobs, the pay let us cover our necessaries easily, pay student loans and have extra for fun

her father might be right about that. However it's your friend's life, and it's her path to take, her mistakes to make EVEN if they're the same ones as those of her parents. Her father should not project his fears and failures onto to her, and instead of pushing her on a path she might hate, he should push her to follow her dreams and passions, regardless of the obstacles, or of the fact they might not be 'traditional' dreams and passions.

graduates are often out of employments because indeed they're seen as overqualified - this happens everywhere, sadly. :( and i do think that the classes she took did exhaust her emotionally.

I dropped out of my graduate course (PGCE primary teaching) because my mental health was so bad I wasn't sleeping at all and had severely low self esteem. My parents didn't take it very well at all because my mum doesn't believe in mental health problems and just says I need to "stress less" and my stepdad was annoyed that I hadn't been paying rent whilst in school (because I only had £3000 for the year, and when working 15 hour days already getting another job is totally unrealistic)

I dropped out and had a couple of weeks to myself, but I've now got a job I really love working in a pharmacy. The team I work with are lovely and I really enjoy helping people. Although it's more physically exhausting because it's a 45 minute walk for me to then be on my feet for 8 hours a day I feel so stress free and my self esteem has finally started to grow because I'm doing something that I am happy with.

My advice is she needs to find something she does enjoy, and if she has gone to school for her parents then chances are she is not enjoying it. I know she probably doesn't have the money to move out, but maybe start saving to move out? She needs her freedom to live her own life instead of what her parents expect of her. I'm not sure if you're in the position yourself - but maybe offer she stays at yours sometimes so she can play video games or draw or just chill without constantly feeling pressured to do what her parents want.