Is there a reason I can't remember any of my childhood?

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My dad is addicted to porn and he was/is never there for us or mom. He mentally abused us (still does). I don't remember anything from my childhood. It's a blank. I can only remember the odd bits and pieces, but never the stuff my mom said I did. She said I would come home from school (grade 7/8) and see her sick on the couch with a migraine. I'd ask "Did you eat?" she'd say "no" and then I'd make her soup and spoon feed her (My dad is also a narcissistic sociopath and likes to brag and doesn't give a shit about people's feelings).

I don't remember. Any of it.

P.S. He doesn't even go to the Doctor to take care of his health. I know that he needs a "correct diagnosis" but I took enough psychology to pinpoint traits.

I act cold and like I don't care, but I do. It's just a wall I put up.

I find these lyrics from Cher sum everything up about life very well:

My world was shattered, I was torn apart Like someone took a knife and drove deep in my heart

It sounds like you've repressed a large portion of your childhood. Personally, I don't know where I stand on the issue of memory repression. I can't say for certain that it exists and can't say for certain that it doesn't exist. For me, the issue stems from how easy it is for psychologists to implant false memories and then claim memory repression. It sounds like some whacked out conspiracy theory except that it's not, it's actually happened (the whole "Satanic Panic" of the '80s is a great example).

You could also be experiencing something called Dissociative Amnesia. Basically, dissociative amnesia is the name given to a mental illness wherein there is a disruption of memory. It can also effect consciousness, awareness, identity, and perception. Given your childhood, this sounds like it might be a possibility. Dissociative Amnesia often occurs as the result of severe trauma and/or large amounts of overwhelming stress.

Bear in mind that while I do have a Psychology degree, I am not a practicing psychologist so I can't diagnose you or anything like that. I would say that if not being able to remember large parts of your childhood really bothers you or effects your daily life, please seek counseling with someone who is trained to help.

I do see a psychiatrist.

I have borderline personality disorder (the worse one that you can have). Is Dissociative Amnesia a part of the BPD, or can it be on its own? I also have depression and anxiety.

P.S. I only learned about the mind and the common illnesses.

Dissociative Amnesia can occur with BPD. It can also occur independently of BPD as it is a dissociative disorder much like Depersonalization Disorder and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). In your case, it would seem likely that it is occurring co-morbidly with your BPD. The Dissociative disorders have their own sections in the DSM. It can also occur with PTSD as well.

I have BPD as well but I believe BPD is a consequence, not the main root. I remember being taught in class (I study social work/psychology) that recurrent abusive/violent or simply traumatic moments during childhood can cause selective amnesia. It is a way to prevent oneself from being hurt or from reviving said traumatic moment.

Hope it helps you a bit.

- i have the same issue, i think i've repressed a lot of the memories from my childhood to protect myself/wellbeing, which could be what you're doing as well... I remember having to literally shove my fingers down my moms throat (who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and multiple personality disorder) when she tried to swallow pills. My step dad also mentally abused/controlled my older sister and I... so I definitely see where you're coming from. Though i've never seen a professional myself, I think it's good and healthy to talk to someone who is unbiased. Personally any time I try to talk to my parents about things that have happened in my past, they turn it around and make it about themselves, so I've never felt real closure or justification from the bits and pieces I do remember... Personally, when I've experimented with LSD/psilocybin, I've been able to recover some of these memories I thought were lost, but that's just my experience... May not be the same for everyone, however know that you're not alone.

I know that acid is non addictive and it opens your third eye, but I'm just not the drug type of person. I just want to know what was so terrible that I had to repress memories.

I remember my dad hitting my deceased brother with the belt once. Then he ran to get a stick, there was a screaming match and my mom still has it hidden to this day.

i have ptsd from events during my childhood, and i barely remember anything from when i was younger. a lot of my memories are just fragments, like single images instead of movies. even now i have difficulty remembering things that happened recently from an abusive relationship that ive luckily gotten out of. it seems like you might be experiencing something similar- your brain is trying to protect itself from painful and traumatic memories, so it just kinda deletes them, or buries them. i havent spoken to a therapist about this yet (and i really should) so i dont know if theres a way to 'get back' lost memories or not.

edit: i also have autism, so i dissociate when theres too much sensory input or if i get overwhelmed emotionally, and that might also be affecting the way my brain flags memories as 'too much to handle'.

I really don't remember Friday's events. I was at a Tribunal. I don't need to remember Friday's events as it was pretty traumatic for me. I had a panic attack the whole time and I was bawling my eyes out. That's pretty much all I remember.

I'm just happy that I don't feel alone and that there's other people out there ❤️