Warning: This may be considered mature content. There is talk of mortality, at least.

I don't have too awfully much to say. I suffer from PTSD, and that's something that been far more apparent lately than I've ever let it be in the past (almost) ten years. I've been having constant flashback and panic attacks, I don't even remotely trust my own body to keep me safe anymore and I basically think this whole thing is part of one big breakdown. The backstory to this would take a while to explain, and honestly trying to explain it right now would probably just cause another flashback chain to start. That's not to say I don't want to talk about it, I've always preferred being open and it infuriates me that I should have to control my very thoughts to avoid breaking down from fear. So I... tend to do it anyway. Not sure whether I'm some kind of brave/strong (like many have said), stubborn, or just stupid.

The thing is, things were a lot different about five years ago. All of this started because of a brain malformation that I was born with, it used to give me seizures and eventually I realized it was killing me slowly. I realized at the time that I probably wouldn't make it to my 20s if something wasn't done. I had brain surgery, it all went well, saved my life.... but it gave me amnesia. That's where this whole mess began. It wasn't with the brain surgery itself, but with the amnesia. I knew I'd come out of the brain surgery okay, but the amnesia was a surprise. I lost just about everything. I managed to remember my name, some basics that help me function like the ability to talk, talk, and heck, hah, even where the bathroom was. I'd lost most of my vocabulary though. I could recognize my family members' faces, I remembered a couple of my friends. I forgot everything else though. Who I was, what I cared about, why I cared about those things, any of my experiences or what I'd learned. The one and only thing I remembered about myself was that I liked to draw, and I couldn't even remember why, or how it was supposed to be enjoyable.

....I said I wouldn't go into the whole thing. Whoops. It's something that still bothers me, even though I have a good mix of some old memories and a few new ones. Thing is, going through the amnesia like that made me terrified beyond measure of the idea of having to go through brain surgery again. It made me terrified of my seizures ever coming back. I felt like if they ever did, it'd mean the end for me. It'd mean everything I'd fought for was for nothing.

The seizures did come back, at that "five years ago" mark that I mentioned. I'm still here, as you can see. Turns out the new seizures were psychogenic, which means they're my body's response to stress. The trouble is, because this response means I'm having seizures, which is a huge source of my PTSD, seizures now cause stress and panic which cause more seizures. I'm stuck in a loop. I've been able to keep the seizures mostly under control, but it's been at a huge cost to myself. I had to spend that time avoiding my feelings, but even while I've not been feeling all of that fear I have still been acting on it, and these past years of my life have been wasted. I'm trying to tackle all of this now, it's causing more of these seizures and equally a lot more of my own personal freaking out as a result.

I've made a lot of progress, even with as much of a mess as it's turned me into. Something I've been thinking about a lot lately though... something I had after the surgery, but something I lost when I started having these new seizures... I used to talk to people about these things a lot. I've become extremely reclusive about all of this, I'll talk about it but it's never with a particularly pleasant feeling. I've even stopped talking to my friends by quite a bit, and that's... that's not good. You'd be surprised how much good it can do something like me just to be able to talk to others about it. But I became afraid of getting hurt, because once or twice now I've had people turn their backs on me when I felt like my life depended on it, and that's.... that's hard to get past. I understand that situation better now though, I still don't think they were in the right but I don't think they really knew any better. I still don't want to talk to anyone, but... being able to talk to people gave me such an appreciation; it gave my suffering suppose, and I didn't have to feel quite so alone. It gave me the strength I'd needed to heal the wounds I was willing to face. Not having that for these past five years with only the remembrance of how much I feel like I cannot trust anyone else; I think that's not only not helped me, I think it's actually hurting my ability to heal from all of this.

Just because I have been hurt does not mean that I'm not still the kind of person who values being able to help people, it doesn't mean I don't care anymore, because I still do. I still care just as greatly as I always have, that much is innate to me. It's just... I need help. I just need people who are willing to listen, no one has to do anything else.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hugs- I know it's hard to trust people. I have ptsd as well. I didn't even know I had it at first and then when I came out with it to my family they got confused. They are also still confused ;I think, about my moderate depression as well so..yeah.. fun lil things:) I had moderate depression first..I knew that was true and I lost MANY friends because of it and trust. I had lost most trust from being verbally abused during my late teenage yrs. What also didn't help was that the ptsd and ads I have mimic's other peoples voices and alters them so I'm hearing bits of what I was verbally abused about continuously:D I still have it going into crowded restaurants and theaters. I got into meds and it has helped me a lot. One I'm on currently has helped me gain confidence again to go out and helped me understand constructive reasoning more so(that it's just from memories of the abuse.) I think time is our most powerful tool. It helps us understand and grow for what was before into understanding now what it is and what can happen to change and improve.

I managed to figure it out pretty quickly. It really hit home when I got to talking to a veteran who had it and was able to relate to them more than I could have ever expected. It had felt like, for the first time in a long time, I wasn't alone. I found out later they felt the same way about their encounter with me. I didn't bother to get officially diagnosed for a long time though.

I hear you there. My family only very recently started to get an understanding of what it is I'm dealing with, but that's like two or three months out of almost ten years. I've heard stories of others having this problem as well, I must say from my perspective it doesn't seem like it should be that hard to get. Still glad they finally got a better perspective on the whole thing though, that's been a much-needed relief.

Yikes, what a toxic combo. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, these sort of things are hard enough to deal with without the added problems. I'm glad you've found something that helps, but definitely the hope is always that you (and all of us) can find a way to conquer the problems entirely. They say PTSD is "very treatable", sounds kind of crazy to me but it's something to give us hope at least.

Perhaps... Time without effort though I don't think will get us anywhere. At least not me, anyway. I spent the last five years avoiding my fear, it definitely didn't get better in that time. I'd almost say it may have actually gotten worse. Now that I'm facing it though I'm... starting to understand it, and that counts for everything. I think understanding is the most powerful tool, even more so than time. We each have our own ideas though, it's one of the beauties of life. As long as whatever you have works for you, that's what matters.

And thank you very much for the hug. -hugs back-

-hugs- I'm here to listen, my social skills are terrible though. Flashbacks are brutal, and I understand what you mean by chain reaction; I also know a lot about pnes, it's very real, and very difficult to live with. I have ptsd and epilepsy and a few other things. My biggest fear is losing any more memories from it. I'm glad you're reaching out, it's hard to do. I'm new to the subeta community but I found some really nice supportive people this week. The thread is ">here, and the group is here.

Yes understanding is important:) Took me a long time to understand what I had. Didn't necessarily help that who I was seeing only thought the anxiety was what the cause was and didn't even try to consider anything elsexD I think she got upset one time I was asking questions so she told me to stop talking and were fixing what the moderate depression now and to "Worry about the other stuff later."xD Certain places/certain practices, unfortunately. I am glad I found the right place and am getting the right helpc:

-hugs back- Thank you so much. And that's okay, it wouldn't be a first time. Besides, I can't say that I have a particularly clear view on how good or not my own social skills are hah. They could be awful for all I know, but I think it mostly just depends on the individuals. Each person's mind works differently, after all.

It seems like you know quite a bit. That's kind of comforting, actually. I'm sorry you're in such a similar boat though. Even with such a similar fear... -hugs again, tightly- There's a lot I find myself wanting to say about that but I'm a bit too tired to put it properly into words. For now though, I'll just say that I'm curious as to how you came to learn so much about PNES. I suffered from Epilepsy for years, but I didn't know about PNES until I started having it. And I'll definitely take a look at that thread, thank you very much. It looks like the group is still extremely small, I admit that's a tad intimidating since it means every single member really counts, but I'd be lying if I said I'd not been actually trying to find such a group on here. Thank you.

I'm glad to hear it. Getting the right help is so important.... certainly more so than I'd given it credit for for a long time. I only started seeing a therapist a couple of months ago, and due to money and time constraints I can't see her as much as I need to. It took a lot of convincing to get me to give therapy a shot, though.