...that I don't want them in my life anymore?

I know that question sounds absolutely horrible, and I feel like a terrible person for contemplating it, but I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. I've been thinking about my past, about how they treated me, about how it's affecting me even now, ten years after I've moved out. This is probably going to be a really long read, so I'll thank you in advance for sticking with me.

Some backstory:

I have pretty much never gotten along with my parents. My dad was/is very controlling and had/has anger issues. My mom was/is very two-faced and judgemental. Neither one has ever been very loving, showing it through material objects instead of emotional presence. They were very emotionally abusive and have caused (or at least exacerbated) lifelong, debilitating depression and anxiety issues. I moved out after my dad literally threatened to commit a murder–suicide involving me and my mom.

I moved halfway across the state to be with my fiance and get away from them and yet my mom has stubbornly been trying to keep contact. I've tried being the nice person, tried to forgive and forget, especially since during those first few years we were really poor and needed the financial help she offered. But we're doing a lot better now, we've even gotten ourselves out of poverty. I've been going through therapy, and I've finally been dealing with a lot of the hang-ups I've had because of my parents. All of this improvement has given me time to think about how much interacting with my parents still negatively affects me these days.

Even just their messages and comments on Facebook give me negative emotions. We're so contrary to each other in nearly every way, that no matter what I post on facebook, my mother feels the need to weigh in with her (contrary and negative) opinion. Yet, even when she comments something positive or "Likes" a post of mine, I feel so... bitter. And it makes me feel like a shitty person that even her good intentioned outreach upsets me, but it's also opened my eyes to just how toxic my relationship with my parents, and especially my mom, is.

I'm thinking about not even talking to them about it. That maybe I'll start with small things, like making a new facebook, then changing my phone number, then moving, and just making sure that anyone who COULD tell them about me just won't. It'd be a lot easier on me and my anxiety, but I know that my parents (and subsequently, my siblings) would shift all the blame onto me being a bad person, that the loss of contact is a problem with me, and not the fact that my parents are poisonous to my well-being.

Over the years they've tried to make up for how horrible my upbringing was. They've even apologized for being bad parents, but it just isn't enough. They didn't apologize in person, and it didn't feel like they meant it. It felt like they were paying lip-service because they're getting old and don't want to die with a bad conscience, or like their church urged its congregation to apologize for past mistakes. It just didn't feel real, and it didn't make me feel any better. Again, I feel like a terrible person, but I'd honestly be happier if they died, or at least left me alone.

So... can Subeta give me some advice?

(I apologize if it's kind of rambly, I was writing out my feelings more than anything, but I tried to make it intelligible.)

When my Mom had to go through getting out of her abusive, toxic family, it was simply a case of "Love ya, bye!" And not picking up the phone or initiating contact or anything in between. It's a pain in the butt sometimes but having lived through it and helped someone with it, it's for the better. Just takes time and effort, as all things do.

So you think it'd be easier on myself if I just dropped all contact at the same time instead of doing it slowly? I might have to wait to do that until after I move though, since they know where I live and my mom has no issues with just showing up. Usually she calls or lets me know, but I'm worried that if I'm ignoring her that she might come uninvited.

Also, I'm sorry that your mom had to go through that. It's rough when your family doesn't treat you the way it should.

In our case, that was what was necessary. I'm not saying it's necessary for everyone, just conveying that I understand where you're coming from and that I'm not pretending that I know exactly what's best for you.

It's something to consider and think on. Whatever the choice, I wish you the best of luck and safety in doing whatever you decide. <3

With problematic relatives, I just keep them on the "restricted" filter on FB. They don't see my posts unless the posts are public. It keeps life simple.

With my parents, I've literally cut them off during a phone call and told them, "I'm not speaking to you until you're ready to X/Y/Z." Then I simply didn't answer the phone from them for six months, and would hang up on them after that point if they didn't start off by adhering to the terms I laid out previously. It worked. My relationship with my folks got a lot better after that, once they saw that I meant it.

I really hope that the relationship with your parents is repairable, but if not, I hope that you're able to find the peace your heart is seeking.

I'm not sure i could even manage that :O I'm so... meek in person. Confrontation makes me so anxious that sometimes I get physically ill from it, but I guess I could try my best to just lay my feelings out on the table at some time. It might help me feel better. I think I'd have to do it in person over doing it on the phone though, and make sure my fiance's there for support.

I think it's super brave and awesome that you could just lay it all out for your own parents like that, and I'm glad that it got better for you.

As for repairability, I'm not sure. I think it's possible, but that it would take a lot of heartache and hard work. They've been... attempting to make things better for years, but honestly, I think we'd have to go to family therapy to actually make it happen with how my feelings for them are.

You're not an horrible person, don't worry. I've been there and will perhaps suck it up someday and do it for real. I've been having a hard time with my parents these last few years. After abuse and toxic environment, I've been considering moving away as well and limiting contacts as much as possible (them not knowing where I live, etc). I feel like if we do give each other space, things will get better. As you've mentionned, my parents and I are also very different in what we want and how we consider things.

I can relate and understand where you're going. If you are ready to make the first move: do it. As for cutting the cord at once or slowly, that's up to you. I know that my mother would call half the police forces to find where I am ... So I cannot really do that to her.

- I understand what you're going through with your parents... I'm going through something similar. I live with mine at the moment for reasons, but I want to move as soon as I can.

Some of the things you've listed as doing, like changing phone numbers and not letting them (or people who'll tell them) know where you live when you move, are things I'm planning to do once I move out. I already changed my Facebook and will one day change my email as well. (Of course, with email, I can filter them out if they ever try to contact me.) So, those steps sound like good ones to take.

As for telling them why you don't want to be in contact with them, you don't have to tell them anything, especially if it causes too much anxiety to tell them anything. But, if you end up wanting to tell them, definitely have your fiance with you for support.

The guilty feelings you have about not wanting to talk with your parents are hard to get over, mostly because of how society pushes the concept of family down your throat. It took me a few years to accept that the relationship between me and my so-called family is toxic and to not feel guilty about not wanting anything to do with them.

Basically, cutting ties with your family sounds like it'll be the best thing for you in the long run. I also think cutting ties with anyone who makes you feel guilty over your decision is a good idea.

Thank you, everyone, for your advice, and I hope that your own situations improve. I haven't yet decided on what I'm going to do, but I'm also speaking to my therapist about it to determine what would be best.

I did visit my parents between when I created this thread and now, and while it wasn't entirely awful it was still an uncomfortable and unenjoyable event. As it stands right now, I think that just avoiding them is the best course of action, and not to entirely remove them just yet.

There are options, like low contact or structured contact with your parents. For instance, you can set boundaries when you visit or talk to them. If they break one of these boundaries, you have every right to leave or tell them you don't want to talk to them anymore that day. Over time they will hopefully learn that respecting these boundaries will be the only way to communicate with you. Your mental health is important and clearly they are a danger to that. Definitely talk to your therapist about the best options for you. It doesn't make you a bad person if you choose to cut them off entirely. They had your entire life to correct their mistakes and improve your relationship and they chose not to put in the work.

I relate to your post so much. I have three narcissists in my family: my dad, my mom, and my sister. I also suffer from severe anxiety and occasional depression due to the way I was raised. From my own experiences, it is very likely your parents will never change. My family members lack the capacity to understand what they do to me (empathize). They're like emotional vampires, feeding off of your misery to make themselves feel better. Then they sprinkle nice actions in every once in a while to keep you reeled in and thinking that you're imagining how bad they are. Once I recognized the signs though, I realized it was them who were the problem and not me. I don't speak to my mother or sister unless I have to, but they still continue to say horrible things about me when I'm around them. My dad isn't usually abusive, but he lacks the willingness to change when he does something wrong so I have a strained relationship with him. Definitely read up on narcissistic personality disorder and see if it relates to your family dynamic. I could be wrong, but your situation sounds very similar to mine.

I wen't through a very bad childhood my dad was physically abusive and mentally and he was a drunk my whole child hood. Growing up I had all kind o f ill thoughts towards him and well growing up he has changed a bit but he still makes comments that piss me off. I mean I realized how much he means to me when he got cancer and was sick but I feel like he only was nice to us through his cancer because he thought he wasn't going to survive it, but now hes in remission and he wen't back to his old ways always demanding and always trying to bully me even though I'm an adult. ONE of these days I am going to just blurt out my feeling towards him but I feel like that would probably be at my breaking point. I mean seriously how can peoples parents treat their kids like crap and expect us to be there for them later in life.