Admitting it, I am feeling very scared to write on here.

I'm feeling so confused about my gender lately. I started off as a female and I was fine identifying as that, honestly, as long as nobody called me a lady. I hated being called that, or people trying to force me to be a girly girl or be their idea of a "girl". But then in 2010 I was talking about it some more and attended this youth group where I live, and the counsellor was worried about me because of my depression and suicide, and he told me that transitioning to be a boywas the only way to be happy. Well, as someone who had rarely experienced happiness, I was determined to try and get rid of that girl I used to be. I didn't want her to exist anymore. Because her life was so painful, for me to remember.

So I started taking the hormones. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder in 2010 as well, which doesn't help, as the psychiatrist thinks I have established a persona to get away from myself.

And even though I took the hormones, I just don't feel right. I don't feel enough like a boy or a girl. I just feel like nothing. I'd choose going as a girl into somewhere over going as a boy. And I just feel so confused and so stupid right now.

I just feel so alone and lost and like the depression is coming back. Because if I decide to stop, what kind of backlash am I going to get from friends and family. And it's going to make my life difficult at my volunteer job. I live in the kind of town where my genderqueer friend had people refuse to work with her because she must be a closeted lesbian.

Has anyone else gone through this? Or something similar?

I'm a bit speechless right now because I feel like I'm reading about myself. I'll try to explain myself clearly. There will also be a bit of a slice of life (if you don't mind it. Otherwise, skip it!)

That's quite worrying? A transition is never anyone's business but yours. It's a decision that affects yourself and your life. I feel like this was pushed onto you at a vulnerable time. I'd like to have a few words with them. It's not ... being clinical nor helpful at all.

Having a personality disorder does not kill who you are. You may face identity issues, but you are you and you have things you like, dislike, want and need. [Cue the personal slice of life] In 2012, I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. I've never felt like my asigned gender at birth, but I don't care if people use it as a way to refer to me. I just feel like a human with legs and arms (the whole thing). I've considered into transitioning, but gender is like sexuality, it fluctuates and change over time to some individual. I would most likely regret my choice and for personal health, I've put this on ice for now. I consider myself agender. I will wear 'boy' and 'girl' clothing and I don't really care about others. I did feel confused and out of place. But at some point, I just stopped caring because it was hurting me.

You've refered about your town. Is that a situation that plays into your confusion? Perhaps, are you afraid? It's totally normal to be. What do you think?

Well I have felt more towards the middle or non gendered than any specific gender, but I've experienced so much negativity and stupidity towards that. A person on a course I had to attend told me I "had to choose". Though you are right I don't have to identify as either of them.

I think it is nice to hear about your situation though, and being agender seems like a good thing. I think I need to stop caring so much about what others think too.

And yes, this town is really conservative and it makes me afraid of what people will do, especially when me and my other genderqueer friend are together.

But I feel a lot better now, because I feel less alone if that makes sense? Thank you.

- The whole "you must choose to be either male or female" thing is awful and you shouldn't ever feel like you must identify as either. I thought I had to choose at one point too, and I wasn't happy.

A bit about me: I've never felt like I fit into my assigned gender at birth and I couldn't stand being forced to be that gender. But, I never thought I could be anything else, because I would never be accepted if I wasn't that gender. But, a little over a year ago, I started wondering if I was both female and male and started calling myself bigender for a bit. But then I realized that didn't feel right either.

After talking to some non-binary people, a lot of thinking about who I am, and doing some research, I started identifying as non-binary and I finally felt like I was me. Fortunately, my identity has been accepted by my friends, but I was ready to drop anyone who wasn't accepting out of my life. (I'll never say anything to my "family" for personal reasons.)

Basically, if people in your life don't accept you being yourself, then they're not worth talking to (if you can help it). It's hard to not care what others think, but it's necessary to allow yourself to be happy. And, having a personality disorder doesn't make your identity any less valid. Anyone who thinks that is being extremely rude.

As for being in a conservative town, is it possible to move? Or maybe you can work on moving out of there one day? (I would also suggest the same thing to your friend.)

Yes you are right it is silly. But my town is like that. The people at the job agency and doctor don't understand how hard this is for me right now. Like most places here have gendered facilities which is stupid. Most places don't have gender neutral bathrooms either so I'm not sure how to go there.

I think non-binary is the best title for me. I just feel like I can't be either. My friends for the most part accept it, except the transgender female to male friends who I find rather judgemental and there is this one transwoman who is always judging transpeople and how 'genuine' they are.

I think you are right though, if they don't accept me as I am then they are not really my friends. I always cared too much what other people thought, but I am also very good at doing things because other people want me to. I don't know how to stop doing that.

And for the town thing, well last year I lived in the capital city and it was just so much better. There's so many people and so many different cultures and everything that I'm relatively normal by comparison. I could see about moving back there. My supportive best friend also lives there. As for my friend here I am not sure if she would want to move there.

- I almost never see gender-neutral bathrooms, so I know what that's like. And yeah, it makes me sad that there are trans people out there that are judgmental just because some trans people aren't seen as "genuine" or whatever. You are what you are, and there shouldn't be anything that says you aren't good enough.

If "non-binary" is the title you feel most like yourself with, then go for it! :D Keep on using it and remember that you can always change it later if you find something more fitting. Gender is never set in stone. ^^

I understand the struggle of not letting people control what you do... It's something I'm constantly fighting. Something I do is I ask myself "is this something that I really want to do", "is this person worth my time", and I weigh my options. I'm still horrible at saying "no" to people, but I'm getting better little by little.

Yeah, I would definitely recommend moving back to the capital city if you can! It sounds like it would be a much safer and accepting place for you (and your friend if she wanted to move).

Yes you are right. I guess I've felt so much like I have to choose, like being called a lady bothers me but so does being called a guy. Sometimes I like being called sir and he and other times it makes me feel weird. I think non binary is a good thing to call myself though I'm interested in finding other non-binary options too in case one fits me better.

And that's good that gender is not set in stone.

It's hard to do things because I want to. I feel like everyone dictates what it is they want me to be. I'm worried about what effects detransitioning is going to have on them and me too. Like it really upset my dad. I need to get better at speaking to people (I'm horrible at speaking to people in real life lol). I go to say things and no sound comes out at all.

I guess it's also a matter now of going off the hormone therapy as I don't feel like it's right to continue it. I haven't felt right for a long time on it though, before any long lasting effects are created, and what health problems is it going to give me?

Thank you so much for the advice too. I hope I can find somewhere to live in the capital city.

- I'm not sure about the effects of going off the hormones, but whatever you do, make sure it's safely done. And, you detransitioning has nothing to do with anyone but you... I really don't see why anyone would get upset over it.

Yeah, look up different non-binary options and experiment to see which one fits you best!

I'm also horrible at speaking with people in real life. :x

The counselor told you that you should transition in order to be happy?? That's REALLY messed up! :(

I'm sorry that you're going through this and that you live in a more conservative place. I've also struggled with my gender identity my whole life and for a long time I thought I was male and took hormones as well. I feel more feminine now but ultimately I think I'm nonbinary, but most people won't respect different pronouns. They were terrible at using he/him for me and people are outright refusing to use they/them so idk.

A lot of women don't like being called "lady", "miss", "ma'am", etc. though, so if you do feel female but just don't like those words that's pretty normal. I know a lot of people who don't like those words!

Gender is a tricky thing, and it's very personal so it's really up to you to figure out how you identify. I'd suggest reading more about nonbinary genders. ^^

See a physician before stopping hormones. There will be a withdrawal period where a few things will happen. As I'm not a doctor at all, I'd just consider preventing instead of dealing with consequences :) Estrogens will most likely be created a lot because it does shock the system quite a bit.

A friend of mine detransitioned abtruptly and she had very bad symptoms (sore chest, headache, acne etc).

Nonbinary is there for those of us who don't fit in the binary. There's no harm in winding up there.

The youth group leader needs a good smack, but I'm sure you knew that. Make sure that whatever you decide to do with the hormones, it's done safely and with help from your doctor.

I was born female and I identify as female. I hate being called "Ma'am" and I don't mind "Miss". Those are terms they used way back (they used it to address Royalty) when and I think those words got lost as we're the 21st century and become more modern (if any of that makes sense) .

I don't it's very professional for a counselor to tell you "You need to do this in order to be happy". I'd drop them and find a new one. It takes a lot of searching to find the right counselor to fit you.

I wish you all the best.

I wish to be born as a man, but I have accept to be a woman. I speak for myself. ;) It's for everybody different.

I still hate it too when people address me, because I don't behave myself as a girly girl or a lady or so. I'll never understand why people see a problem when some one just doesn't be the same thing as they do. I don't harm anybody when I'm a little "boyish". From origin when I was a little girl I wasn't even aware to be boyish. I heard that many times.

If people assume I'm lesbian, or so, I don't care. (I'm straight) If they believe in their own archetypal figments, no problem for me. But some people harassed me and I don't take this anymore.

I don't know how intolerant some people are in your town. Are they just nag you or are they more aggressive and threatening towards you and your friend? Unfortunately I was a victim of useless violence. Maybe it could be an option to follow a curriculum in physical self-defense? I have follow that and now I'm not only able to protect my self, but I can also protect my friends towards useless violence, if this is necessary.

I wish you also all the best and good luck to stay stronger in any case.

Yes. I've struggled with gender dysphoria for my entire life, and also have BPD. A lot of it, for me, has to do with gender roles and what society expects from women. I now identify as a cis woman, but I'm very masculine, and that's okay. Just because you have traits of another gender, doesn't mean you ARE another gender, you know? It took a long, long time for me to realize that I don't have to fit into a mold. There's such a heavy pressure from society to look a certain way and act a certain way.. but you don't need to! To me, gender is such a teeny tiny part of who we are. It shouldn't change how anyone acts toward someone else, or the amount of dignity and respect is shown toward them. I found it so much easier to just let go. Just be you, don't think about it too much. At least that's what worked for me. I'm so much happier not worrying about it.