Currently stuck at home with an abscessed tooth and forced to miss work until my surgery on Friday. Feeling terrible A) about letting my health decline so bad over the past few years B) about letting my coworkers down by not being there as one of the more on-the-ball employees. And then not related to physical pains, being stuck in a cyclical reminiscing of a time long gone has taken a toll. Sometimes it feels hopeless when you've been trying to shove the same issues under the rug for so long, and considering the duration and persistence of the guilt and grief, I've worn out my welcome with the topic in many circles. Makes you feel like a write-off of a human being when everybody has thrown their hands up at your issue. People likely look at me and see me as a vortex of self-centered conversation, and they steer away. But I'm just not in the mood right now to pretend like I have been in recent months, that it's gone away, it's always there. I wish somebody knew how to approach my issues with me in a way that I haven't experienced before, because if I can never solve the root of the issue, the most I can do with it is constantly try to find the freshest perspective. Sometimes I think, maybe I can't think, talk, or meditate my way out of this one. I'm waiting for my surgery, I'm waiting to see when this stream of thought might run dry.

If anybody needs a cue for participation, feel free to b**ch about a physical or mental malady

I can't say I would handle your problems any better than you are. Not sure if there's any point in this post, other than to let you know you're not alone in having shitty problems

I was just told by my boss this morning that I need to add 4 hours to my schedule each week to stay on as full time, because corporate isn't counting 30 hours as full time anymore. My problem with that is I have a lot of anxiety and depression and I've got it just about under control working this current schedule, which is Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. My coworker who does the scheduling suggested staying an hour later every day, but I can't do that. For multiple reasons - mainly because by mid afternoon, my depression is bad and I need to leave at 4:00 to stay sane. Also, because I need that extra hour for me time, to decompress after work. So staying an hour later is not an option. I was thinking I could maybe handle working a half shift, but only on Wednesdays from 12-4, because then I'd still get sleep in the morning and time to myself in the evening, but coworker doesn't want to work with that. I'm not sure I really want to do that either though - I don't know if I can handle any more hours - but I know my boss, who is over the scheduling coworker would make him give it to me. I just...it's so difficult, because my depression is barely in check right now. I feel like if I had to work any more hours, I could not handle the stress mentally. So for now she's switching me to part-time officially, which means no more protection if I lose my job.

Part of the adding more work hours problem is that it would probably completely stop me from going to the gym, which is hard enough now as it is. And I really need to lose weight, about 50-75 pounds, more would be great. But I also have hypothyroidism, just diagnosed and I feel like that's probably why it's so fucking hard for me to lose weight. Maybe it's causing my depression too? It's also causing heart palpitations/irregular heartbeat, and when that happens, I get super anxious, which I know just makes it worse, so I've been trying to learn breathing techniques and such, but it doesn't really help. But anyways, if I add more hours, I will probably not go to the gym anymore because I usually force myself to go there right after work, because if I get home, my depressed lazy fat ass will probably not leave the house again that day.

And of course I'm even more worried about my health because I don't know if I'll have health care for much longer, the way this [insert way too many swear words here] "president" is. He hates people like me, who are on medicaid, because we're "poor" and "lazy". He wouldn't understand how hard it is to live out here in the real world, him and his stupid fucking silver platter life. It's disgusting and I've never actually hated someone before, you know? I thought I did, but no. I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns. If it weren't for that shithead, I wouldn't have nearly as many problems as I do. But now I have to worry about my health care being taken away, not getting as much of a tax refund, maybe having to actually pay taxes, oh and NOW they're probably taking away my internet too.

It is good to have some solidarity in not suffering alone for sure, I appreciate you taking the time to post. I feel for you, my job is high stress as well, and sometimes it feels like getting through the whole day when I know that I'm likely going to have to endure mandatory overtime is just hell. I wish people could just be permitted to take care of themselves as humans instead of us all having to break our backs just for the privilege of breathing.