I normally don't post about personal things but I just feel so heartbroken, torn and angry.

So on September 11th my boyfriend and I let my sister and her 7 year old daughter move in with us because she was trying to get out of an abusive relationship. We gave her and her daughter our spare bedroom with the understanding that she was going to be done with this man. We didn't ask anything of her, however she said she would help with bills and pay me to babysit her daughter. I get her daughter off the bus everyday at 2:45 and watch her anywhere from about 4 to 7. She also said she would help with groceries and cleaning up around the house.

Well over the past two to three months she hasn't paid us anything at all. She will cook a lot of food and make a bunch of dishes and not wash them. She leaves things laying around and doesn't clean up after herself. So I'm left cleaning everything up. She also has another daughter who lives with her father and sometimes she would have her over and expect me to babysit both girls without asking to make sure it is ok or check if I have plans. Sometimes she drops both girls off at her older daughters fathers and then she will disappear for days. She was only here when she knew she needed me to babysit. No word of anything. no communication.

So my boyfriend and I have been getting a little frustrated. We've been concerned about my niece because she's not getting proper rest because my sister will keep her out untill 11 pm or not come home at all on a school night. Also, if I don't do homework with her then her homework doesn't get done.

I've also overheard my sister talking to one of her friends about how she's "living in a damn trailer". Yes we live in a trailer but my boyfriend and I try our best to keep it nice. I guess it bothered me a little because this is my home. It's the first home my boyfriend and I have bought. We are not millionaires but we do our best to get by.

Well last night we found out that she has been communicating with the abusive ex and had a Thanksgiving dinner with him and their daughter. Last we knew there was a full stay away order and they were not supposed to be in contact. Supposedly she called CPS though about contacting him and they said it was ok for her to see him for Thanksgiving. However, she never told me or my boyfriend about any of this. So we both are extremely mad. The whole point of bringing her into our home was to get her and her daughter away from him. She was being sneaky and hiding it and then told me to not tell my boyfriend and hide it from him. I can't do that. We have been together for 6 years and I'm not going to be dragged into her lie. Especially about something that has me extremely upset. Her ex is a horrible human being and has done horrible things and I don't want her or my niece anywhere near him.

So this morning my boyfriend told her that she is not welcome to stay here anymore. She lied and broke her promise. My boyfriend is bi-polar and when he gets mad and has had enough it can take months for him to calm down. I feel upset because I don't know if he is over reacting because i guess I have blinders because she is my sister and my niece is involved. He called CPS and talked to her case worker and told her about the situation and that they were no longer allowed to stay here. Yet, at the same time I don't really want her here anymore either. She completely let me down. But, I worry about my niece. My boyfriend tells me that I need to not worry so much though. My sister is responsible for her not me. She is not my child. I need to focus on my life and not get dragged into her bad decisions.

Are we doing the right thing?

I don't really have any suggestions but wow that's a complete mess and I'm sorry you have to deal with it :/

Thank you for your kind words . It is quite the mess. A lot of emotions are running high within the whole family. I guess we just have to take things one day at a time.

This is a delicate situation for everyone involved. Mostly for your niece.

First you should not lie to your partner for your sibling. I'm glad you didn't. She was testing the waters to see where your stood on it and how far she could use the family thing to get her way.

Secondly, she's using you. Right now she has it great. A free place to live, free food, she has a live in maid who watches her kids. Bonus is she can talk bad about it and run back to her ex whenever she wants. She's not going to respect you, your boyfriend, or your home because she doesn't have too in the last four months she's pretty much gotten everything she wanted with out and repercussions. This is going to place stress on your relationship with your boyfriend.

Thirdly your boyfriend should have talked to you before contacting cps. It's your house along with his and you both need to be able to hash out exactly what you think is right. Neither of you want your sister there, but you both need to figure out the best way to do this.

Lastly, look into tenants rights when it comes to where you live. Four months is enough time for someone to become a legal tenant, especially if they have legal documents stating that they live there. You may need write up an eviction notice and give her a set amount of time to move out. You should also start documenting when she leaves your niece for days at a time, how often your niece goes without sleep, and any actions that show she may be a terrible mum because cps may get involved. I'd also suggest getting the locks to you place changed after she moves out and installing security cameras.

Abusive relationships change people so much for the worse. If your sister's ex has been abusive to her, especially if it was long-term, there's a ton of ways she's "poorly wired" after that experience. She likely forgives the ex for far too much. Making seems thing like the victim's fault is something abusive people are masters of. It's very hard to break free of that. Your sister's going through a lot and getting away from an abusive person is never easy. I definitely understand your frustration in how she ends up going back to the ex. Realize this often happens because there's so much she needs to do to even realize the extent of how much how that ex mistreated her is not okay. This doesn't excuse your sister's mistreatment of you, though. I think you can help her get her life together, but some tough love can definitely help with that. I think you're perfectly in the right in how you handled the situation. You can continue to help your sister within clear boundaries like you set with saying she had to follow very basic rules to live with you. There's a lot she has to do for herself though, and you can't make that happen. If she continues to take advantage of you, as much as it will hurt, you'll have to set even more boundaries to let her know you won't tolerate disrespect from her, up to cutting her off entirely at least momentarily. She needs to get her act together but that isn't your responsibility, it's hers.

its really hard to get someone who is in a abusive relationship to break free from their abuser because they use the "I love him so much or her so much" card and he or she uses the " I will change" card all the time so its a cycle. I would do what the people above said and document all of this and also with in regards to your niece if shes letting her abusive relationship affect her daughters well being then eventually its going to go bad for her and she will have to learn the hard way that you can't put a man before your child or eventually the child will be taken from her especially since cps is already involved. She is so blessed/ lucky to have a sister like you who would open up your place for her to stay. I guess she just needs to hit rock bottom for her to realize that its not worth it to live like that. It is really hard to involve yourself in people who are in abusive relationship lives because its like if you get involved eventually their abuser tries to make you out to be the bad one and they go along with it so its a bunch of stress even though you love your loved one and don't want them hurt. I hope you know that you did enough and just let your sister know you can only help her if she wants to be helped. Stay strong <3

Sorry for the late response I had forgotten about this thread since Lumi started. I want to thank you all for your feedback and kind words.

Obviously as time has passed things have calmed down some. My relationship with my sister is strained right now and it will take some time. She used me and lied to me. She is putting blame on me saying I'm forcing her to go back to her ex by not letting her live here. However, she had already gone back to him.

My niece is doing ok. My father has been taking her on weekends and she goes to Boys and Girls Club after school until my sister can get her.

I do understand a little but about abusive relationships. My relationship is far from perfect and I know it's not easy. However, her life and her daughters life are in jeopardy with that man. She says she's going to go to a domestic abuse counselor and I hope it truly does help her. Because obviously every thing I tried wasn't enough.

I'm glad to hear things are looking slightly up. Please don't blame yourself. "Every thing I tried wasn't enough." sounds like you're being too hard on yourself. You gave a lot for your sister, and it obviously tried your patience, but nobody has infinite patience! Many would have far less patience than you in a similar situation, I'm sure. I think it's a good thing you're trying to help your sister heal, please remember to take care of yourself too though.