Yeah, I'm just frustrated with life in general right now. I don't expect anything out of this post - I just really, really need to anonymously rant right now and this is as good as it's gonna get. Where do I even start. Let's see...

Well, let's start with Subeta, since we're all here. I really have been wanting to draw lately. So I draw some things for my own pets and I like them, I think they're pretty good. They're not bad drawings, anyway. I think I'd like to open an art shop, so I do. At first I try pricing my art at what I used to sell it for on here, literally years ago. A week goes by with not a single response. So, I figure hey, the market's probably changed, whatever. So I change it to pay-what-you-want, with not even a 'lowest accepted price' because honestly, I just want to draw. Another week and nothing, so I get so down about it that I close the shop and give up. Am I stupid to expect a response in two weeks? I'd think that's more than enough time to get at least some interest. And then of course my depression decides it's time to kick in and I start questioning whether or my art is any good at all and if I should even bother and everybody probably secretly hates it. But whatever. Eventually I snap out of it and decide maybe the way to go is to stalk 'buying' threads and post offers there. Nope. Made about five posts and no one was interested. Polite, sure, but no one wanted my art. Whatever. I'll have fun another way I guess.

So I start working on my pets. And finally a small taste of victory. I got every last pet a story, all 45 of the little suckers. Still proud I did that at least, even if my writing isn't the best. I can't seem to get myself started on their layouts...and some of them don't have much of anything in the way of a treasure though. Of my 45, 15 are spotlight winners (which is pretty good I think), 13 are finished and ready for spotlight nomination, and 17 still need a lot of work. I'm organized enough to finish everyone now, but the thing is, I get so down with this fucking depression, that I just don't bother most days. With the way prices are especially, it's hard to get much of what I need to make them decent, let alone 'done'. That's something the art shop would have helped with, is affording treasure items and training and overlays and minions and other art and and and...

Most of what causes my depression is my work life I think though. When I'm there and I'm working and talking to my coworkers, most of the time, I'm...if not happy, then okay I guess. Content would be a better word, I suppose. Mainly, it's this one resident (assisted living, dementia, etc.) that makes life miserable. I know it is absolutely horrible and inhuman of me to say it, but I honestly cannot wait until he moves out or dies. I feel awful even typing that. But I have to say it. In addition to depression, I have misophonia and misokinesia (Google, children). He triggers me so badly that sometimes I have to run to the bathroom just to escape the sounds. Sometimes I just plug my ears as hard as I can. And the thing is, if he were sane, which he is most definitely not, I would be fine sitting down with him and having a polite conversation asking him to stop the actions that are torturing me. But he has dementia. I've tried talking to him and he has about a 30 second memory. He has absolutely no idea, 30 seconds down the road, that I've even talked to him. It's horrible. I can't imagine anyone being more horrible to be around than him, and I deal with a lot of shit at this job. I mean, there's the woman who pees on the furniture and knows she's doing it (had to throw out a chair today because of her) and just doesn't care, there's another woman who "whispers" to the other residents about how much she hates me, how rude I am, etc, there's several residents who ask me the same question so many times a day I can't keep track, there's the rude family members who are awful, I mean the list could really go on forever. But if this one man would just leave in any way possible he could leave, I don't care how, I just wish he would. It's not like I can talk to my boss about it either - I really like and respect her and I don't want her to think I'm crazy or unfit for the job. No one understands misophonia/kinesia and as good a person as she is, I know she wouldn't either. I've tried explaining it to friends and coworkers, hell even my family doesn't get it. So I just have to wait until he leaves or dies. Because the thing is, I know I've got a good thing here with this job. I've been there 2 years and while I'm not making a ton of money, I'm comfortable there for the most part. I like my boss and coworkers, I like most of the actual work, there's room to be creative...it's really a good thing. It's just this one awful fucking human being that I absolutely hate.

Everyday after work, which is probably the one thing keeping me sane, is working out. I weigh 231 pounds, as of this morning. A couple of weeks ago I was 236 pounds. I've started drinking a meal replacement shake for lunch every work day and eating smaller portions otherwise. I work out pretty much every day of the week. Most days I do 20 minutes on a treadmill and 10 minutes on a recumbent bike. Tuesdays I have yoga class after I do the treadmill and recumbent. I try for at least three days where I do weight machines in addition to the treadmill/recumbent. It's starting to get really hard to get myself to go though. Especially when I've had a shit day at work and I just want to go home and sleep, or when I have a day off and I just want to play video games/go shopping/do nothing. But I want to lose weight more than anything because I feel like it's keeping me from so much. I find to find someone to love, I want more confidence, I want to be able to do more, like running and kayaking, I want to look decent, not like the fat slob that I look like now. I love fashion and I would love to dress in a way that I find more fun, instead of just buying what fits and looks decent. What would really help this endeavor is eating more veggies, hell, I would love to be vegan more than anything! But I have a problem with textures and it's really holding me back. There's a therapist nearby enough that I could go to who would probably fix this problem, but money is far too tight to even consider that.

Then of course, exacerbating my depression are the problems in this world right now. The ones pretty much everyone worries about. Is North Korea going to bomb us? Are we headed for nuclear war? Am I going to be able to keep my family safe through something like that? What will happen to my kitties if I have to leave? I won't leave my kitties. They're my life. I worry about the environment most of all. Every day another species gets closer to extinction, the polar ice caps get less and less, this stupid, vile, selfish species we're a part of just keeps fucking up the only planet we can't live on and they don't. fucking. care. It's disgusting and I wish I could do more to stop it. I wish more than anything that I could quit my current life and join Sea Shepherd. What they do is amazing. But I'm too fat, weak, and not vegan to be a part of it. I send them money, sure, because I can't not do something. I actually stopped buying csc on here so that I could support them more.

I just, ugh. I could keep going with this forever. There's just so much it's overwhelming.

I don't care what you post here. Bitch about your own lives. Tell me to stfu. Tell me it'll all be okay. Tell me I'm fucking. Whatever. Make yourself useful or not. I don't really expect anything out of this. It was just good to rant.

Hey Lisa,

I cannot say that I know how you feel about the misophonia and misokinesia. All I can say is that it must be awful and i'm sorry you have to go through that. Just know that this particular situation will change.... it's not permanent. Don't feel bad at all about saying those things about the man you're taking care of. The situation is causing you to suffer and you need change. I think you CAN talk to your boss about this man though. Even if they don't understand the misophonia and misokinesia, they will understand that the situation is causing you to suffer more than you can handle. It's not healthy to keep on like that. If you're not comfortable talking to you boss, maybe tell a co-worker and switch shifts when you have deal with this person?

I understand the depression bit too... and sometimes it gets really bad and you feel like nothing will help. Tell your doctor. Get on some meds. IF you don't like meds... you can try a therapist but... to be honest I have REALLY not had positive experiences with therapists... the only thing that has helped was the pills. I am the kind of person where I get passionate about something I can go and do the work and get healthy.... but then if I get in a downward spiral I stop doing the work and stop helping myself and just cant't get out of it.... it's like a never ending cycle. Hence pills. If I already feel good, then I can do the work to get better.... it's an unfortunate catch 22...

It's true a lot of people worry about disasters, protecting their family and whatnot. The only thing you can do is make sure you have first-aid kits and canned food everywhere. If that's not enough and you're still not feeling safe it could be an Anxiety issue which... you may need to talk to your doctor about. Anxiety and depression go hand in hand.

You're doing a great thing by sending money to a cause you believe in. Please don't put yourself down. (I know it's hard advise to listen to, I do it all the time.... but i really hate to see someone else do that to them self. The way we see our self is skewed... especially when you have deperession/anxiety) You seem like a good person.

On the weight issue note... I may be out of line here.. but have you ever tried a ketogenic diet? It's the only thing that has ever worked for me and I HIGHLY recommend it. Basically, the idea is to run your body on fat instead of sugar for energy. High fat, low carb. The idea is that once the body starts burning fat as fuel you're in ketosis. In this state your body will continue to burn the fat on your body for fuel. There have been days when I wasn't even hungry because the fat on my body was enough to keep me sustained. PLEASE read up on it properly if you're interested to make sure you're doing it right. You WILL have success if you do this. It is difficult at first... but once you're on a roll you won't miss sugar at all (especially with Stevia Drops as sweeteners) and the results are amazing.

As for the art issues... that I CAN relate to. I have been making art for a long time now. The thing to remember is that art is very personal and people differ greatly on what they like. Now... I had a bunch of projects up online for months and months and nobody have a flying fiddle. (lol) I felt a lot like how you probably felt after nobody responded to your art. Then all of a sudden one person came along and loved what I had to offer. They bought up almost all of it at once. I have a family member who is quite a successful artist. He comes across the same situation. He may go months without anyone buying... then boom. Someone comes along who's inspired and picks it up.

You have a style and chances are if you like it, someone else out there will too.

Anyways I hope some of this was helpful in some way to you... you don't know me and my opinions don't mean much but I hope you get something out of it.

oh, i think i may have misophonia too o.o i guess, i'm too careless to go get proper investigations for everything i see wrong with me. plus, money is tight at the moment.

i'm sorry to hear there is one person who drives you insane at your job, but it's good you decided to come rant. you must let it out of your system. while what you said about him sounds bad, if anyone knows anything about dementia and the other related illnesses, they'll also know those sufferers are difficult. you can like your job, but you're not forced to like everyone you come in contact with at your job [or outside your job]. it's human nature to like some people and dislike others..

"What will happen to my kitties if I have to leave? I won't leave my kitties. They're my life. I worry about the environment most of all. Every day another species gets closer to extinction, the polar ice caps get less and less, this stupid, vile, selfish species we're a part of just keeps fucking up the only planet we can't live on and they don't. fucking. care. It's disgusting and I wish I could do more to stop it. " i relate to this so much! on all levels!

i hope you get to feel better soon. /sending you virtual air hugs, because i dont know how comfortable you are with being touched/