Hello there,

I have a question for those of you who are engaged/married or in lifetime partnerships. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and this is definitely the easiest and best relationship I have ever been in. He's thoughtful, funny, and kind, and he usually knows what I want before I even do. I love him completely, and even though we fight once in a while, we usually both feel so bad about it afterwards that we make up pretty quickly. We're very happy together.

We've started to occasionally discuss the idea of getting married sometime in the future, and although I can definitely picture myself with him, it just seems like a big commitment, and certainly not one to take without thorough thought and consideration. He has been engaged before, but his ex-fiancée broke things off before the wedding. I have never been engaged, and the idea of it just seems a little scary and grown-up.

For those of you that have already made this kind of commitment, how did you know your partner was "the one"? (Personally I don't agree with the notion that there is only one "right" person for everyone.) Were you nervous about making such a big commitment?

Thanks in advance for any help you might have.

It is definitely something that you need to consider, but just remember, being with someone forever means continuing to grow and learn with that person. Discovering things both good, and bad about each other. I agree with you about there not necessarily being just one "right" person, cause as people we are built for relationships, and interactions. It would be rather odd if there was only one person in the billions on this planet that could satisfy us in the ways we need to be.

It sounds to me just from this brief post that you guys are very happy, and I would encourage you guys to continue to discuss it, an during some of those discussions, start to see how it feels to plan those things. Maybe nothing concrete, but start putting together ideas for a potential wedding, or family. Get in the mindset of how it feels to see what making that decision would feel like.

As you said it does make it more real, and it can be scary, but is this a fear you would be willing to endure with this person? It is always okay to lay out potential futures, even with varying amounts of detail. Gauge each others reactions to such things, and maybe use that as a way to determine what you should do next.

It's hard to say. You just...know?

I have only ever dated one other person, but this relationship has been a literal night and day difference. My ex told me that he'd like me more if I would lose some weight. Yea. My fiance will randomly let me know that I am beautiful and that he really loves me. The little things really do matter.

Above all, he is basically my best friend. We get along so well and truly care about each other's opinions and interests. I should mention that we're both gamers soooo it's cool that we can play video games and whatnot together??

We mentioned it a couple times briefly earlier in our relationship. Overtime, we began to have deeper conversations about the topic. It eventually turned into a whole, "I could see myself marrying you, but I wouldn't want to get engaged until after we finish college." He held onto the ring for two months and then proposed to me two days after our last final, lol. He was going to wait until further in the summer but couldn't wait any longer hahaha. We had been dating for 3 and a half years by the time he proposed to me. Currently we have been dating for a little over four and a half years and will be getting married late next month!

[edit] Wanted to throw in one more thing since I forgot to mention (so sorry if this double-pings!) But no, I wasn't nervous at all! At the start of my relationship with my fiance, I was immediately noticing how I deserved so much more than when I was with my ex. My ex literally treated me like crap. I could count on one hand how many times he complimented me, and I dated him for a little over 3 years! Everything felt so right with my current boyfriend, now my fiance. As our relationship strengthened overtime, I knew that I would end up marrying him. I was just glad that he agreed! The funny thing is that we knew each other in high school but didn't start dating until 4 years later in college. But in high school, I forced my friendship and hugs upon him. I never imagined I'd end up dating and ultimately marrying him though, haha.

That's great advice! And as silly as it is, I hadn't really considered the fact that he'd be with me through the "scary" part of all this. Considering how much calmer and more relaxed he makes me feel during normal scary things, I know it would make that much easier. Thanks!

Congrats on the upcoming wedding! You sound like you're both very happy. That kind of relationship sounds similar to what I have with my boyfriend, especially the difference compared to previous relationships. We also enjoy gaming and geeking out together. So, I guess that's a positive sign. Thanks for the input! :)

That is not a problem, I wish you luck on handling everything.

Thank you very much! :) And yes we are very happy. I wish I had a more solid answer, but it's just hard to say. I had thought that I would end up with my ex eventually, but things just went south and never got better.

I would just make sure you have all those serious discussions before possibly taking that step one day. For example, you'd hate to be engaged only to find out he never wants to have kids while you would really like to have a kid of your own. Or that one of you wants to move away after getting married while the other prefers to live close to home. Both hypothetical situations, but it's definitely worth figuring those things out before getting engaged rather than later.

Yes, that's also really good advice. We've sort of discussed those things in the past, but I'm sure I can think of a few things we haven't talked about. It's really important, like you said. Thanks again!

No problem! And thanks for the gifts, you didn't have to give me anything!

Honestly as cliched as it sounds, when you know, you know. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, and I still enjoy and treasure every second I get with him, definitely found my soul mate. You have to completely trust the other person with anything, they're your best friend, and you need them as much as they need you, and the feeling has to be mutual. Marriage isn't the end all be all of everything, its just a piece of paper that makes it harder to break up. So really, just love them with your whole self and everything else will come along fine :)

I personally knew when the thought of proposing crossed my mind and it didn't seem strange at all. A friend of my wife said the cliche line "if you like her so much why don't you marry her". I thought "well why don't i just marry her?" and then took a knee and proposed there on the spot.

That's a very cute story. :) Thanks for the tips.

That's really good advice. I have been just trying to enjoy our time together, and I really do. I hate when I have to go home.

I believe in not "the one", but more so.. the people who work hard to be together because they love one another! If people want to be together - they will make it work.

Thanks for the input. That's a good perspective.

Of course! My boyfriend and me are always complimented on how we are "perfect for each other" and soulmates. There is truth in such observations and the harmony that is felt around us is real but not because we are free of conflict or challenges but rather because we continuously choose to listen to each other... really listen and take responsibility for ourselves. You see it's not about finding the "ONE" i don't believe in The soul mate.... I believe in the soul TEAM. We would not be here without our soul family- the people that have our backs and hold us accountable. A healthy relationship doesn't just happen because we were sprinkled with fairy dust, the real magic is in the owning of our shit and in realizing how much of the story we tell ourselves is true and how much is of it is simply an echo of relational patterns that have been passed down. A relationship is akin to a garden, it's got its rhythms, cycles and needs. Both require work, sometimes you're digging deep in the soil and deep in your soul and you sow seeds and they grow. Then you taste the sweetness of your harvest but soon enough the time comes to compost what's dying, what no longer serves and it's a messy, stinky process but it is a requirement for an abundant garden and life. To live in love, is to get honest with yourself, to engage genuinely and with spiritual integrity. My prayer is that when challenges arise, we take them on with our hearts and not with our fears. so dance with kindness and reverence as we grow in wisdom and in truth, fully free and fully together. May it be so, and so it is.

Everyone's experience is a little different but non the less valid... so all I can do is share my personal experience and feelings on the matter:

I met the man who would become my husband while I was cleaning out my dorm, taking out a bag of smelly fridge trash to the campus dumpsters. Long story short, he offered to help me take out the trash (which consisted of one bag, not totally full), and instead of me going home within the half hour like I'd planned, we were on campus for at least another 4 hours in the collage cafe that was open 24 hours a day for finals week, just talking. We started dating shortly after that (probably a week later at most), and I really l liked him. We both were on the same page as far as "get to know who the person is before you give away your heart" which I agreed with and was happy to see him agreeing with too.

We dated for 7 years before we got married. A lot of people said this was a long time, but it was just right for us. We were both in grad school (he was in school and I worked a year before I got in). While it's not right for some, we also moved in together before we got married which I personally liked because I want to know I can live with someone at their best and worst (and that they can live with me at mine). During that time, we got into arguments (some stupid, some serious), we found out answers to serious questions (kids? career choices? opinions on matters important to our own hearts?) and made decisions about what we could live with. We'd talked about getting married a lot before we actually did, and we actually both ended up doing a lot of soul searching (he said he thought about it for a while before he made up his mind to ask me, and I certainly thought about what I'd say if he did ask). But even in our worst fights, I asked myself if I would be better off without him, and my answer was always the same: no matter what we fight about, I'd rather work it out than not have him in my life.

This of course doesn't mean the same in all situations- any abuses (verbal, physical, etc) or cheating would not be ok to me. And I've said as much- to which he agreed, with the same applying to him. It's never ok for either of us to do these types of thing to each other.

When I walked down the aisle, I was terrified.... all my friends and family were there, and they all stood up as I appeared on my dad's arm. But the ONE THING that made me feel normal, like no one else was watching.... was him standing up at the alter, smiling, and waiting for me.

There will be disagreements, anger, and frustration now and then. That comes along with being a human being who isn't perfect. I've never once regretted my choice to say yes. We've been together 14 years (married for 7). :)

As I'm sure you know, you're the only one who can assess your own situation and feelings and make the choice. All I can say is, if you're feeling something, share it with him, talk about things, and ask yourself why you feel the way you do. Your answer to that question will help you feel more confident about your choice. :)

Best of luck to you, whatever you chose!

Thanks for your input. That's a lovely story. :)

I was actually the hesitant one. My husband told me very early in our relationship (like... 2 weeks after we met) that he was gonna marry me one day. I told him he was effing crazy. I seriously considered backing out right then. But we got along so well, and he was exactly everything I ever wanted in a partner. We eventually moved in together, and started building a life, with the understanding that we'd end up married, or at the very least committed to carrying out a relationship super-long-term aka forever.

Every day, we choose each other. I don't think it's an issue of being "the one" or "Mr./Ms. Right," so much as it is about choosing to make things work, and committing yourself to your relationship. Certainly, we have our issues - two people can't possibly live together and NOT have issues, but we made a commitment to work things out, so we do. I love him dearly, and if you ask me why, I really can't tell you. I just do. Some days, I don't like him, and there are some days that I KNOW he doesn't like me. But we still continue to choose one another, every day. And in the end, that's what's important. Respect, communication, and continually choosing your partner, even when you really just want to suffocate him because he's snoring AGAIN, and you can't sleep. ;)

Is there a click in your daily house routines? Do you feel pleasant and welcome by each other? Have you got a click in your hobby's and interests?

This is something you can only know if you are with him at least longer than three months: Are you still interested in each other what you and he has to tell about or do?

Very important (On my opinion): Give you each other enough space to do something on your own or with your friends?

Thanks for the personal story. I definitely think my bf knew that this was a different kind of relationship pretty early on as well. You're very right. It's a decision each day. :)

Thanks for suggesting some questions.

You put your phone down and listen to them lol. Seriously we just knew after a few days. Despite a 14 year age gap.