Unsure
Replies
I've been feeling a bit like I haven't had anyone to talk to lately, so I figured I would come here tonight because I'm quite a bit lost at the moment. I was unsure whether I should put this here or relationships but finally decided on here because it so much of both.
I would like to preface this with letting you all know I am medicated and doctor diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder., that this will include mentions of selfharm and that I do know you guys aren't here for medical advice.
Sooooo
Trigger Warning I suppose?
The last few months have been really stressful.
To put it bluntly we're pretty broke, but we manage to spend our pretty wisely and don't honestly have much to complain about besides rarely having food in the house. Almost all of my money goes to rent, and I've been unable to find something more than my part-time retail job that wont make me full-time. I love working there though and it's one of my favorite places to be. But I've had 3 workmans comp cases in less than 3 years, and that may be part of their reasoning on not making me full-time. I also had a panic attack at work end of may that required me being taken from work by ambulance. That's kinda part one.
Part two is that I have been living in my apartment with my Fiiance for two years this month and would love to stay but they want to raise our rent AND charge us water. We have somewhere we can go if we have to move out but we really enjoy our privacy., and if we go, with my 2 cats myself and the future hubby included we would be at 6 cats 3 dogs my Grammy and my 2 aunts. We would pay around $400 a month for rent/water have two rooms and have to get a storage unit for all our bulk stuff, as of now we have rent that's $1,170 for a one bedroom one bath 844 sf which would go up to 1,200 and then water on top of that with all of the rest of our utilities. Mine and I have been arguing a lot more as a result of the stress. I also had another panic attack last Thursday.
Three is that Wednesday got into a fight so bad that he told me we may need to take a break. I kept my mouth shut and about half an hour of moping he came to sit with me and apologized saying he shouldn't have said that. I had while I was alone though, given myself some very small thing surface cuts with my knife. Nothing enough to really cause more bleeding than a few small bubbles along the cut itself. I made me feel so much better than I had been feeling, and I just moved on about my day and left it as that. When I went to get in the shower he saw the remnants of the cuts and of course flipped out. I honestly don't even know why I'm writing anymore though, So to anyone who reads, thank you for letting me go on and on about myself and my problems, and for even reading this.
I hope you all have a great night/morning guys
I'm sorry you're going through some bad stuff. It really piles up and can feel overwhelming pretty quickly. The best advice I can give is to compartmentalise, to deal with things one at a time, and remind yourself that you're only human.
I'm afraid I'm not very experienced with relationships etc, tho I am experienced with mental health stuff. Is there someone professional you can talk to about this? Doctor etc?
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time. :(
To be honest, I would take the smaller rent deal for now. Suck it up for a little while and get some savings back with the lower rent cost, even if things are a bit more crowded for a while. I think it'll do you a lot of good and lower the stress factor relating to money.
Also have you thought of maybe trying to find a second job? Just another part-time-esque thing so you can still stay where you are with your other job, and where you enjoy, but something else to just help bring in a bit more funds.
I've chosen the 'cheaper rent' option myself. I still live with my parents and I would much rather have a place of my own, but I live at home basically rent free (except that I help with groceries, yard work, house work, etc). I could afford a small apartment, which would be about $800 a month for a cheaper place around here, but I would have to cut out several other things like my phone, my Netflix acct, etc. to afford it. Right now I have my car payment, my phone bill, my groceries, my gas bill (for the car), a couple credit cards I'm trying to pay off and that's really about it. It leaves me with enough money to put some away every two weeks and I'm hopeful I can save up enough to put a small down payment on something once I have some other things paid off.
I've had trouble with the self harm thing myself too, although I don't cut. I've hit myself before, when I don't do something right. And I call myself horrible things sometimes, tell myself how useless and stupid I am. It makes me want to cry thinking about it, because I don't hate myself - quite the opposite in fact, in that I'm proud of what I have accomplished. I have a lot of worthless-feeling moments though. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety and I've had panic attacks too. I also have undiagnosed (by a doctor at least) OCD, misophonia, and misokinesia as well. All of those cause a lot of stress in my day-to-day life. Seeing a professional is not the right option for me, as I am not good at all at giving people my trust or talking to anyone I don't know well. But talking to someone (and there are low/no-cost options) might be an option for you? I've found that the best thing for me is working out. As I lose weight and gain energy, I feel so much better about myself. And I've found that it can have the same effect as self-harm, which sounds weird as I say it, but if you think about it, a lot of the time exercise hurts, and if you make yourself work out and it hurts a little, that's something you can control.
I'm not sure if any of that helped or even made sense, lol. But if you want to type at me about anything, feel free. I really do hope things get better for you.