...and I've thought it might be a possibility for quite some time, but I've finally gotten a professional opinion just in time to maybe lose my insurance.

For those unfamiliar w/ what's going on in the US right now, our government just made a couple trillion dollars in cuts (not an exaggeration btw) to programs including the one that pays for my health insurance.

I can't afford health insurance or medications on my own because of my health. I've been sick for the last 5 years and about 3 years ago I lost my job and my housing because of it, and have not been able to work outside the home or live independently since. I've been moving from place to place trying to just stay long enough to get help from a doctor, and the last year has been the first time I've lived anywhere for a solid year since 2011 - and the first time I've been able to see the same doc more than once or twice.

I've waited all this time to be taken seriously enough to get a referral to a rheumatologist and it finally happened just in time for me to probably lose my insurance. It's not an unfounded fear; I live in a conservative state that already takes every opportunity to slash the budget for these types of programs. (I know someone who got approved for food stamps last year only to receive $12 a month. Like, really? What the hell did they even approve that for?) Our state gov is also a big fan of the new conservative regime and I'm sure they've just been eagerly awaiting the go-ahead to cut the funding even further.

I've been on antidepressants & anxiety medication for the first time ever for the last 6 months or so. I'm also on something for my stomach and my rheum now wants me to try Gabapentin to see if it helps with the fibro symptoms, and I haven't gone to pick it up yet even tho I'm also eager to try and see how it works for me... but I'm also feeling pretty hopeless. What if I've finally found a regimen of meds that can help me function at least somewhat normally again only to have it ripped away from me?

Frankly I miss living in a Legal State (tm) if you catch my drift... I stayed out in CO for a while and I'm originally from MI, so I'm well aware of the benefits of medical marijuana, and I know that it helps me in far more than one way, but I no longer have access to that, either, and I seriously doubt it'll be legal here any time soon. We love incarcerating people for the war on drugs here. We have more prisons than anywhere else I've ever lived.

And moving again isn't an option. Too expensive and my bf and I are moving into a house in about a month. I've been craving that kind of stability for too long to let it go now, and plus, we couldn't afford it at this point.

My entire life has been on hold because of this. I had to leave school, I had to stop doing the things I loved like wildlife rehab, I can barely even get a load of laundry up and down the stairs most days. Even the job I have now - transcription - while super good for me and something that I'm good at, is not something I can do every day, because if I have a good day of transcripts, I'll be paying for it w/ the pain in my arms the next couple of days afterwards.

I'm just so tired of trying so hard to keep my chin up and keep fighting thru it all for answers only to be met with more pain, new symptoms, new barriers at every turn. Every time I think I might be making headway, something happens to set me back to square 1. And yeah maybe I'm being a little pessimistic because my insurance hasn't been cut yet, but it's seriously a pretty safe bet to think it will be in the next few months or so. They look for every excuse to cut our programs here.

The year my symptoms got really bad, a friend of mine living in the same state as me died while fighting for proper coverage w/ the same insurance I'm using now. I'm not worried about dying if I lose my insurance. I'm terrified for people in my family like my aunt, who I believe is also on state health insurance and not only has fibro, but herniated discs, and is a stay at home mom to two young kids. If she can't get her injections and the few pills they already allow her to have... I can't even imagine the pain she'll be in.

I guess maybe all of this is part of accepting my new normal? I've been going thru the five stages over and over again since I first got sick and had to leave school, and some days are easier to accept it than others, but today I hardly can at all. Today all I want is to be physically strong again and not need to rely on other people to survive, just like everyone else wants from me, and that's just something I have to accept I'll probably never have or be again.

So yeah. I feel kinda useless today. I can't go online to check on my friends or anything w/o seeing what a horrible BS state the world is in right now, or somebody spouting some stupid crap, my disabled friends & I are scared for our lives, and I'm just... Home alone now, like all day every day (except for the company of my cats), my friend and I were gonna chill today but she ditched me, and I don't even know what to do with myself. I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of The Depression today and can't worm my way around it, even with the help of the meds I have already.