Hi there! I am running into a bit of an issue with my roommate and that issue is I am at the point of avoiding her in the house we share because she makes me feel like I am walking on glass. She has been living with me for about a year now since my sister moved out. We are both 22, she is in school and I am working full time. We have been friends for the last eight years and during that time have had our fair share of petty fights which tend to stack up on her end, aka she doesn't let them go. I will admit when I do things wrong, and so will she but she is also the kind of person to bring up what I did six years ago and still guilt me for it. Most of the problem sits in the fact she can not let anything go, and I mean anything. She is a self destructive person and also tends to turn that out towards me since I am always nearby. Unfortunately (and I have told her this before) I am unable to fix the current and past problems she is facing. I can offer my help as a friend but when that isn't enough I turn into the bad guy. I offer kind words, possible solutions, distractions and everything under the sun but when I can not fix it the anger turns to me. She isn't abusive, just manipulative, unable to see I can not do more and I can't stand it anymore. But I also don't know how to grow a spine and get her out of the house. How can I politely get her to move out? This is my house (where I am letting her live, rent free and I cover most of her food and general house costs like TP, shower supplies/laundry), I want to be able to walk around without having to fear I am going to run into her and have some sort of argument. I can not handle being the bad guy anymore. Only just over a year and a half ago I got out of the hospital because I put myself in there, I am doing so much better and she is tearing that down. She originally moved in because my father didn't want me living alone in the house by myself so she was there. I am doing better and she can see that, she has made open comments on how she is afraid I am getting better and will no longer need her. I understand the fear of not being needed but also feel sick to my stomach that she doesn't actually want me to be wholly better. She gets mad at me for having other friends and hanging out with them. I always offer her an invite but she almost never takes me up on it. She claims all my friends hate her (the only issue they have with her is the way she behaves towards me). I feel like I am in a restrictive, emotionally manipulating relationship with my roommate and I really can't do it anymore.

Do you care if she is your friend afterwards? If so, then you limit your options a ton. If not, it IS your house and you can kick her out, especially if there is no binding contract. Even so, you can give her a 30-day notice to vacate. Her getting mad at you for having friends at YOUR house is her problem. I say post a notice on her bedroom door and speak no more about it and say that any further discussion about moving needs to be in form of letter or email. She can argue with you about it, but at the end it's your house and you have every right to have her move out. If she doesn't, call the police and they will make her leave. If not, you can legally evict her. It all really depends on how much you care to maintain the relationship. Living with friends is almost always ugly because in the end it always comes down to money vs relationship.

Like said, you have everything on your side for kicking her out, especially since she doesn't even pay you to live there. Give her at least a 2-weeks notice and she definitely can't justify any argument against you.

I know that talking about such things is still hard. This kind of confrontation is scary and difficult and I completely get that. Even if you want to cut her out of your life, I'd still understand wanting to part on as good terms as possible. So I'll do my best to help you communicate your needs and desires to her.

First, I want to ask you, have you talked to her about her behavior before? You mentioned you've gotten into fights. Have you confronted her about how she seems to hold grudges against you, and doesn't let things go? In other words, is she aware that you've been annoyed with her behavior?

If you haven't confronted her before, it would be good to sit her down (ask to find a time to talk privately with her, let her know it's important) and confront her about the behavior. I would say something like:

"Lately, I've been feeling anxious around you because we seem to get into conflicts a lot. It's gotten to the point where I don't feel comfortable around you anymore, and have wanted to avoid you around the house because our fights make me feel guilty and upset. It's affecting my own mental health and I have to take care of myself. I know you've been going through a lot, so I don't want to just throw you out, but at the same time I feel like we are both unhappy living in the same space. It's not just that you upset me; I also upset you, so maybe it would be better if you found somewhere else to live."

See how receptive she is at that point to the idea. The key here is to use "I" statements ("I feel" instead of "You did", it's less accusatory sounding) and to try and make her feel like you are trying to consider her feelings too. She will probably say that she doesn't have anywhere else to live, or say something else to mean that she can't move out. So here you have to be firm.

"I wanted to give you ample notice, so you have [a month or two] to find a new place and move out. That is, you have to move out by [specific date]. I know this is extra trouble for you, but I don't feel comfortable letting you live with me anymore."

That's all you really need to give as a reason: "I don't feel comfortable letting you live with me anymore." You have to speak firmly here.

If you want to soften the blow a bit, you could offer a compromise by offering to help her move out:

"I know it's stressful to find a new place, so I will help you look on [craigslist or something?] for an apartment." Then, make other suggestions here for how she could find more housing - if she goes to school, for instance, she could probably contact the school for emergency housing, like a dorm or something. If she has family or other friends, she could talk to them too. lastly, you could just help her contact apartments in the area, but Im guessing the main problem for her will be how she pays the rent, not necessarily finding the apartment itself.

You can also offer to help her move her belongings - You just want to offer these things to show that you still care about her, you just don't want to live with her anymore. That way she doesn't feel COMPLETELY abandoned and unsupported at least.

If she protests, you have to just be firm that you aren't comfortable with her being there anymore, so she has to leave.