I don't even know where to begin, everything is so jumbled and I feel helpless to sort anything out.. Plus it seems I can't find a soul I can talk to about these things without hurting them or them not being interested in hearing me.. Maybe I should't be bothering anyone with this stuff.. I just feel so helpless and desperate to claw out of this and I don't know how and I feel I have no one to fight with me so I feel like why bother?

So... I guess I just feel useless.. I feel like I'm never going to amount to anything.. I have no motivation and even the things I love I find such little interest in it's hard to keep me focused on it.. I'm 28 years old and I feel I've done nothing with my life, which is pretty well true.. I still live with my mom and stepdad and they are both very awesome and supportive of me, but I just feel like I can't do anything right.

I always feel like anything I can do, everyone else can do it far better so what's the point of me trying? Any cool idea I feel I have is instantly put into question when I see someone else's cool idea. I've even tried to do Youtube since I love gaming and thought it'd be a great thing to do, however, i find myself with little motivation to try it. And when I do finally scrounge up enough effort to go for trying one measly video, my computer overheats in the middle of recording. I can't afford a new computer right now and is why I got a capture card instead for now, but it seem even recording via that just ends up in life giving me a big fat "NOPE" when I try. It's very distressing.. Especially when I think of how much work doing youtube will take, I just balk and go off to do some other form of entertainment that takes little to no effort.

I can't get myself to learn anything new, because if I don't understand it immediately or its even slightly hard, my stupid brain tells me to give up and not bother and that is such an unhealthy way to be, I know this.

I even have a story I am trying to write into a book but every time I try I keep getting the nagging feeling that my idea isn't original enough to be written down or worked on. I try to push past it thinking I don't care as long as I get it done since it's something I've had in my mind since high school and I love it but I've only recently written about 450 words to it and then I started feeling like I had to compare it to other works to see if it's even remotely as good as anything else out there.

On top of all that I feel I'll never find true love. I had someone at one point, we were even technically engaged, then out of nowhere he decided he didn't want to try anymore and wouldn't give me a chance to fix whatever the heck the problem was. now I've had to move away from my home state so I had to leave all my friends. 6 months or more I've been here and I don't even know how to get out there and make any new friends. I'm friendly enough, I just never had enough social interaction with people due to my anxiety that I don't really know the social protocols to actually make new friends, especially in such a completely different and much smaller town. So I feel I'll never have friends or the love of my life and that kills me inside. I feel like nothing I do has any meaning if I have no one to share it with.

I just wish I could find something I'm good at, something I am good enough to do.. But even things I'm interested in if it presents any challenge at all I find myself balking at it and not wanting to put in the effort to do it; which I hate immensely.. I know I need help... I just don't even know how to figure anything out.. I feel lost and hopeless and worst of all.. I have no one to talk to get me through it. I feel completely alone. Left to drown in my overwhelming feelings of regret and inadequacy. I can't even talk to my mom about it as it always brings her down and just hurts her to talk about it.

I just once want to feel like I'm useful. Like I've done something worth spending my time on. That I've helped someone in some way or made something that people will enjoy. I am always constantly afraid of death, yet secretly praying for it simultaneously. I really wish I had someone I could talk to that could understand me and not get hurt or brought down by me getting things like this off my chest. I need to sort it out and I don't know how.. Also, i feel like I'm some stupid bitch because I complain about these things and I know there are others with far worse things to deal with.... I want to enjoy life and not have to worry about all these stupid things but I have that thought that if I'm not being useful somehow then my time I spend is wasted and pointless and so is my life..

I really need help, I don't know where to go or where to look or how to do anything. I'm sure there is more I can add, but my mind is so confused right now I don't know what it is or whatever..

Hello! I know what you're feeling, I've been through it, too. And so I would like to tell you what helped me, and hopefully it'll help you, as well. In the beginning of this post, you mention not feeling motivated for things anymore. What I've learned, is that that feeling is the last thing you tackle. Because first, it's depression you have to tackle. From my experience and idea of this feeling, you're most likely depressed, and therefor need to look at this from that perspective. This is something you have to fight. And how I've felt with my many years of depression, is that motivation to do things is a reward once your motivation to fight depression reaches a peak where it can be rewarded...does that make sense? You must first gain motivation to fight your depression.

Now motivation to fight your depression is hard, and it will go away every few hours, days, weeks...and that's why you need to find stuff to focus on. Other things to fight for that are involuntarily fighting your depression. Schoolwork, work, something black and white -just learning something, you know? Nothing too artsy, because while it is great and beautiful(I write, too!) the motivation for that is a reward. Now remember, though, this is how I fought it. Your experience could be different. These are just ideas ^^! Another tip, for whatever black and white thing you decide on, definitely get someone in your life to hold you accountable for it, like your mom and stepdad! It'll be harsh but very worth it in the end :)

For a tip on writing, always write thinking there's no audience, no other story, no other characters to compare it to. Write for you, write what you like, and don't compare it to ANYTHING! And since you're still just getting comfortable with your own writing, only share it with people you REALLY, really trust! Writing is very personal! The longest stories I've written haven't been read by a soul other than mine :) and they always make me the happiest to read or reread!

I think the best way to start though is just with something small, straightforward, black and white. A new language, subject, etc -maybe even a skill if you're up for it! But know that just something small, and the act of keeping with it(which is so key), is what will really help. And what I always think is even if you quite once, twice, thrice...it's keeping at it that will make it go faster, not quitting.

Sorry if I sound like a bad motivational poster, this is just what I did last semester and this one to get out of my depression. If you have any questions or wanna talk to me just message me or respond here, whatever is most comfortable for you ^^ You will get through this, though, so try not to worry too much!

Whoa! Growing up were you always competitive or compared to others? That sort of thinking is totally detrimental to actually taking the time to actually learning them and becoming good. Try to slow those thoughts down if you can. No ones perfect, or the best at anything. Just taking enough time and effort to be inspiring to someone else is worth doing anything.

I also want to advise you that sometimes the thing you love to do may not be profitable enough to make you financially independent. Sometimes it takes an unrelated job to keep your mind from stressing on that aspect, so you are free to enjoy doing it without worrying about the profitability. It will also motivate you on a bad day - the more you write, the better chance you'll have at making a career. Most important is to just stop worrying long enough to pick up the pen, write some flops, make mistakes, but something is still better than nothing and is practice for a much greater something.

Some things I've read or heard elsewhere: It takes about 7 years to master something like a skill. So the average person can master up to 7 or so skills. Maybe more if you stay super busy! If a relationship doesn't work out, don't forget that if you were capable of loving and being loved so deeply, you are always capable of it again.

I want to thank you both so much for taking such a thoughtful amount of time to respond to me.

Have you thought about maybe going to see a therapist, or a doctor to get some help with what you're feeling? Either one would definitely help to put you on a better path, and hopefully help you rein in some of the detrimental thoughts you're feeling, in addition to helping manage your depression and anxiety (something I also struggle with and have recently found help for).

I would try to keep in mind that you're still young. There is no certain time/age where people need to have their shit together (despite what society likes to tell us). It's okay to cruise along and just take life one day at a time. Just because something is difficult or you're struggling with something now doesn't mean it will be the same way down the line -- both mentally, and with any activity you want to do.

Also with your writing for now, write for you. Just you. Writing is a skill and it takes time to figure it out -- and you wanting to start, or only having started a little is awesome! One step at a time. I've been writing for over ten years and I still am learning and figuring out how to properly get things in order. Reading other people's works, and seeking out tips and advice is always useful too.

And have you maybe thought about volunteering somewhere? Maybe at an animal shelther, or a kitchen, or somewhere to help people out? I volunteer with an animal rescue and it's definitely fulfilling for me knowing that I have done something to help these cats/dogs, and even people out by coming in and petting, feeding and walking/playing with these animals and given them some well-needed attention before they go into their foster homes.

I have, sadly I just can't afford to do so. I used to see a doctor back in my hometown but they had some kind of program that my mom had me go through to get my medication really cheap. I was on Lexapro for awhile but since I had to stop dealing with the program because they were a bunch of assholes I could no longer get my medicine. I was pretty well fine for awhile so it wasn't a big deal until, well pretty much everything that happened with my EX breaking up with me and me moving away from the only 2 friends I had to a completely different state. That threw my entire mind into disarray.

But we've moved to a much smaller town that doesn't have whatever program I was working with before, plus my mom was the one who facilitated getting me into all of those things so I don't even know how to do it here and my mom seems less than interested in helping me to do any of that anymore, I get kinda blown off whenever I've attempted to mention it or she just says something like "yeah I need that too" and moves on.

I agree with that, and that's really all it is for. I've had this idea, this world in my head since back in high school and it's developed slowly, very slowly over time but developed much faster more recently. I want to write it because I love this world that I've made up, even if it's not the most creative and I want to be able to share my love of it with others. I have been trying to do just that and read other works to get ideas of how to better structure my sentences and arrange my events, but I find myself to be, ironically, very impatient with reading. I am definitely open to all sorts of tips, so I'm very grateful for what I've gotten so far. =)

I haven't really thought of it much. I guess I'm a bit selfish and childish that I really don't enjoy the idea of working for free, heck I don't enjoy working anyways which is also stupid, I know. Either way, I'm not sure those things exist here, I actually work at a tiny kennel (I'm serious, 5 or fewer employees total.) The town is a population of 800 so there's pretty much the main street plus a residential area or two, and that's the whole town. I've looked and looked in town for various things there's just, not much going on. It was hard as hell just finding any kind of job, to be honest. I didn't even find this one on my own, my neighbor told me some other girl had decided to quit and needed someone who loves animals to work the weekend. But at least I make twice as much as what I did back home. Still not enough to live on my own though.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years. The depression makes me feel useless, the anxiety makes me feel like I need to be useful, which makes me feel depressed... and around and around it goes.

I am also bad about telling myself that if it doesn't happen now, then it will never happen. I'm learning to accept that some things happen by chance (like meeting that special someone), other things can only happen after time and effort (like mastering a skill), and a few things require both luck and effort (like making a new friend). It's frustrating and sometimes it's overwhelming, but it doesn't help me to beat myself up for failing on any or all fronts. I just have to keep trying... Trying to improve, trying not to worry, trying to just make it through the day.

I'm also going to suggest that you consider counseling. I've been to a handful of counselors and a few of them have helped. The ones that did help didn't just evaluate my behavior, they made me evaluate my behavior as well. Having a better understanding why I do what I do, why I feel what I feel, has gone a long way towards helping me confront my self-negativity... my self-loathing. They taught me to pay attention to what I am doing and suggested ways to calm myself, to redirect my thoughts to a more positive, more self-accepting place.

Let me end on this note: If doing something that seems completely unproductive helps you find some peace, a few blissful moments of calm, then it isn't actually a pointless pursuit. Sometime you just have to do what you can until you can do more.

[edit]Just noticed your post above. I can totally understand not being able to afford professional help. I've been there more than once and it just exacerbates the problem, makes me feel even worse. You can confront these thoughts on your own though. Like I was saying in my blurb about a counselor, a lot of it is just recognizing the pattern and purposely redirecting your mind to a more positive place. For me that often takes the form of a verbal "NO" and mentally repeating my personal mantra of "don't let your fear of the future keep you from trying to improve it"... Not the most eloquent thing ever but for me, it usually works. Sometimes I end up just repeating the word "calm" until I actually calm down.

That is exactly what is happening to me. It's exactly that, my anxiety is making me feel like everything I do is pointless and I'm not good enough at it. Or if what i'm doing isn't going to better my future, why do it? So i'm stuck feeling like I can't do things I like simply because I like them because there is some undelying expectation that I have to be doing other things that other people do to survive.

Part of me almost feels fine with the things I'm doing and doesn't care if I'm doing something productive or not but then the other side of me just rips me apart for not "being a normal person" so-to-speak.

It's so very hard for me to redirect my mind. I've tried it a bit after having watched some positive uplofiting videos, I think I'm doing alright and then I spiral back to my self-loathing and feeling inadequate. I guess it doesn't help I can't ever decide what I truly want. It's like I have 100 different opinions on what I want or "should" be doing. Oftentimes I can't make a descision of what to do, so instead of randomly choosing one of the things I'm debating, I end up sitting around watching videos or kill 8+ hours on a video game in a single day because I couldn't make the descision of what to do.

I guess, it's like, my "doing something completely unproductive to help me find peace" is just playing hours upon hours of games. It's one of the only things I can do that I typically can get lost in and not think of other things. But I feel that's my problem, I go to that so often since I can't decide on other things to do. Since it's an easy out of something to do with minimal effort, thats what I do day in and day out. I feel peace for awhile, and then I get this gut wrenching feeling of guilt and self-loathing after because I spent all that time doing that, instead of something else, anything else that could have been more productive.

I try to tell myself that if something I am doing is something I enjoy doing, then I'm not wasting time by doing it. But I still feel like everything I do I'm just wasting precious fleeting time I could be using for anything else.

But yeah, your words don't have to be eloquent by any means, effective is all is needed and you definitely have been helpful. I just wish I could figure out how I can better apply this tips, I feel so hopeless.

First off, hi person who might as well be me. 28, high anxiety, spends a lot of time on the internet, afraid of never finding true love, that coincides with a lot of my own worries. While I don't live in a small town like you do and have plenty of access to resources to help me get over my depression and anxiety, it's still hard trying to go out there and find and make friends, let alone an SO.

But it can be done. My younger sister has Asperger's and is engaged to a fellow Aspie, and they both had a rough time of it trying to get through school and get jobs. They still struggle; sis is giving her two weeks notice to her current workplace for not giving her enough hours and future brother-in-law has all the nervousness about how he and she can make it financially.

But if there is one thing I learned about life, it's that struggling through hard times can make you a better person as long as you have the right attitude. I've been trying to ask God "What are you trying to teach me with this trial" rather than whine "Why me?" If you're not a religious person, ask yourself "How can this make me a better person?" Heck, ask yourself that even if you are religious.

Oh man! I totally get that "100 different options so you can't decide" thing. I'm like that too. When I have free time, sometimes I'll feel like vegging out, but most of the time I'd like to be doing something relating to one of my multiple interests... Often I get overwhelmed and end up just... vegging out anyway. Then I'll get down on myself for not doing something because you know, gotta be productive... even when I'm trying to relax. That's the self-loathing talking. That's it getting in my head and telling me I can't do anything right. I've learned - after a lot of practice - to recognize what's happening and I try to nip it in the bud. If I have to veg out for a while so I can function otherwise, then I'm going to do just that! I've found that I'm only able to pursue my "proper" hobbies when I am not otherwise overwhelmed... My favorite hobby is writing, but I also really like to knit, draw, and make jewelry. All those pursuits are creative and forcing creativity just does not work in my experience. On days I feel like being productive but I am not feeling creative, I usually do household chores... For me they're something easy and low-pressure, but with measurable results. Doing things like that help to quell the feelings of uselessness because I've accomplished something. When I feel up to it, I will push myself harder and take on some of the more stressful tasks... I've started having more days like that, but it's taken time. I had to slowly learn how I can deal with my stress and I've had to build myself up emotionally. I praise myself for accomplishing what most people would consider mundane tasks because for me they are real victories. I've pulled myself out of my head long enough to get something done and with depression and anxiety, that's not easy. It can take a lot of mental work.

When it comes to self-soothing, it will take practice and it will take more than one method, because anxiety and depression are tricky little gremlins. You have to have a few things in your arsenal. There are some I've incorporated that I don't even think about any more... Like making lists... When I start getting overwhelmed by everything that needs to get done, I make a list. I take a look at the list and I pick the top 2 or 3 (sometimes 5) things that I feel are most important. I make another list with just those things on it. Sometimes I throw the other list away. Other times I'll set it to the side - waaay off to the side - if I feel like I can come back to it later. I particularly proud of myself when I don't have to make a physical list and can mentally pick out those few priorities. I always write those priorities down though because being able to mark them off later makes me feel good. Another thing I do is deep breathing. I read somewhere that you are supposed to do a 4 or 5 count on each aspect (inhale, hold, exhale) but that just makes me feel more anxious and under pressure. I do make sure to focus when I do it... I breathe deeply down into my diaphragm, make sure I hold it in for a few moments, and then slowly blow out. I repeat that a few times until I feel like I've caught my breath. (Breathing is a problem for me when I get really anxious. Sometimes I start breathing quick and very shallow, other times I'm unconsciously holding my breath. Neither one is helpful.) When I realize I am getting overwhelmed, I will ask myself self-assessment questions, to try to pull myself out of my anxious mindset, but they often just make me feel more overwhelmed. That's usually when I pull out the mental mantras.

Hello, thanks so much for your words, it gives me a little bit of hope. I'll very much try to keep your suggestions in mind. I am kinda religious in a way, but it's more of a spiritual thing, however, religion of any sort doesn't offend me as I have a strange belief that there is truth to every single one. But that's beside the point. Also, I love your signature, that really cracked me up. XD

[Spoiler]Oh wow, yeah you pretty much described how I feel on a daily basis to a T. My vegging out is usually on Youtube videos or possibly some game of mine. Usually YouTube. I also really love writing, though I sadly don't do it as much as I could, I actually adore trying to paint vidid images with my words, though I also love to draw, and then I'm also interested in making custom Zoids models. So those plus gaming or other interests just seems to take up so much time in each day I don't ever get around to some of them. I used to work on a fan fiction for the longest time but never finished it, and now I'd prefer to work on my own original story over going back and finishing the fan fic as I find no productive value in it even though I really enjoyed where I was going with it.

I will try to take that suggestion and do that as well, that whn I'm feeling useless instead of trying to force myself to be creative, I'll try tidying up something or other mundane task and see if that helps to water down the feeling that I'm doing nothing good with myself. I kinda feel that way myself about doing mundane things that normal people are complacent about because with all my anxiety, doing some of those things were completely impossible a few years ago. And now I still feel kinda good just going and getting gas for my car, getting myslf up and going into town just to browse around and shop, or even just buying nessecities for myself. It makes me feel more normal and like I fit in with everyone else at least for a little while.

I definiately know what you mean by that taking a lot of mental work, it's super hard for me too. I can think "man I know I should get up and do this, but I dont have the motivation" and so I usually just lay in bed and not do anything because the effort is too great. Every now and then I can convince myself to try to do a few little things like taking a shower just to enjoy the warmth in hopes it may refresh me and cheer me up at least just a little bit.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a lazy dump or that I just have low goals and standards when I let a small victory that any normal person does without much thought. It often maks me feel like I'm underacheiving but I still try to let myself enjoy it since I know my mental problems are not normal and I feel like I should try to cheer myself up with whatever I can and savor even the smallest of victories.

Ah yeah, I often make lists and alarms for myself as reminders, not as a way to soothe myself, but to help me remember things. specially with alarms to remind me when to get ready for work, as I guess in a way having the alarm is soothing, I no longer have to stress and watch the clock for the time I have to get ready for work, I can actually relax and enjoy my day, knowing that my alarm is set just enough in advance for me to get ready for work and then get there on time. Otherwise I'm constantly freaking out time passage and checking the clock to see what time it is in fear I'll get preoocupied and lose track of time and then be late for work.

I do understand needing multiple soothing methods, I've definitely noticed that often times when I do one of those things, like playing a game, I'll be blissfully happy for maybe a week or less doing that, then those gremlins as you put it come back and start nagging me about how I spent all that time on a game instead of something else. I'll definitely try to shake it up more and see how it helps.

I will also try that breathing thing, I've tried kinda meditating and trying to just clear my head but my thoughts just rush back all the time regardless so hopefully this will help some.

Most of the time when I get anxious, my breathing dosn't really change that I know of but I start to mentally shut down. I actually become extra stupid and I cannot comprehend or even answer the simpliest of questions. Speaking coherently also becomes extremely difficult and I find myself desperately trying to avoid the situation by involuntarioly pushing thoughts of it out of my head or being very avoidant of the issue until it is critical I do something about it. I end up just sitting or standing, spacing out and not being really aware of what is going on around me.[/spoiler]