Like, I'm felling suicidal as HELL. Right now only I can think about is dying nd I wouldnt give a single damn about what people think about it anymore.

All this time, all that has stopped me as my grandmother dying after me, and you know? I DON'T. REALLY. CARE AYMORE BECAUSE I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT EVER STEPPED ON THIS AWFUL WORLD, OK??!??!?!

I odn't ant to live anymore! people tell me "but hey you friggin beat 6 tumors you can do this" I CAN'T, DON'T THEY SEE? I'M T I R E D OF THIS I'M SO. FRIGGIN. TIRED OF EVERYTHING

The other day, you kno what happened? my drug and sex addict ex boyfriend told me he was what he is now because of ME, and that he would commit suicide if I didn't slept with him one more time

WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL??!??!?! WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THIS???!

I can't! I wanted sooo bad to go into this university, CalArts, and you know what my FATHER said bout it? "even if we could pay it, can you really enter?" man, all this life everyone told me my art was great and all that trash and no my own father questions my abilities. The same father who beated me up so bad I could barely walk without feeling pain on my leg, with a huge bruise everyne wondering wht the hell happened to have such a HUGE bruise. And you know what is the worst, about all this? You know what? I still want him to approve of me! I still want it and I don't know why! Even though he never wanted me to be an artist? he didn't like the ay I live? i still want him to love me, because I feel he doesn't

Everytime I cry, you know what happens ? My mother gets mad. WHY??!??!?!! BECAUSE "I MAKE TOO MUCH NOISE".

I forgot to mention I hear voices, I pull my hair, and you want to hear the worst? I bite and eat my own skin. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA!

I can't keep on living, I don't want to.

I fall in ove with the ost iidiotic people ever, like, my first boyfirned? Is that stupid sex and drug addict! c: The other guy? HE WAS CHEATING ON HIS GIRLFRIEND ITH E AND I HAD NO IDEA. He even slept with me. Cheating her. And then acted like "i'd never cheat on you bcause i love you, i'llbreak up with her asap" I cut all my connections with him and, as far as I know, THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER.

My best friend? He's the most amazing guy ever, but he's like my brother. I feel like he's the only person who truly understands me, but i can't keep going.

I think I SLEEP WITH PEOPLE BECAUSE I want to fill something, but i realized that "something" can be filled with anything. OH WELL I guess that's all i wanted to say............ Thanks for reading all this crap. Sorry for being such an idiot.

(And i thought thi woud help but of course, I'm still rying)

If you feel like it's too much, which I can see right now ... Please call or text a suicide hotline. Don't stay alone in this situation. You are not alone.

- Like Far said, please contact the hotline if you still feel suicidal.

I have experienced most of what you're describing... an abusive father who left bruises, an uncaring mother, sleeping with guys in hopes I'll feel better about myself. I've also had medical conditions that almost killed me. I've wanted to kill myself so many times. Yet... I'm still here. And, I'm so happy I'm still here.

I want you to stay alive as well.

Focus on getting better mentally. Keep in constant contact with your friend. Try to stay out of the house as much as possible and do things you enjoy. Keep on doing art. You might be able to find a low-cost or free therapist to go to.

Block all contact with the ex. Get a restraining order if you have to. You should not feel responsible for any of his behaviors... he sounds very manipulative.

The parents are a lot trickier, because I'm assuming you live with them. But, one thing you should know is you don't need their approval for how to live your life. Start talking to them less and don't talk about personal stuff. Be polite, do favors if they ask, and don't argue. It's unfortunate to be superficial to your parents, but for the sake of your own safety, this is the best route to take.

For school, I wouldn't rely on your parents as they're unsupportive. If CalArts offers scholarships, you can try applying for those. You could also find a public university or community college that offers the particular art you're interested in. They run a lot cheaper and you can get grants or loans for them. Maybe even look into a job. Really, working on getting out of your parents' house is very important.

I wish you the best of luck. c:

I know this is a little late, but please, please call the hotline if you feel you can't keep going.

I can relate to a ton of your situation as well. I had an abusive father (who just got arrested last week yippee) and I still craved his approval even while I told myself how much I hated him. It doesn't make any sense and it's confusing as all hell but it's not something you should feel guilty for or beat yourself up over. It's just...human nature, I guess. I'm still working that part out myself tbh.

I've also got dermatillomania, which means I pick at and bite my own skin a lot too. Especially on the inside of my mouth. It tends to be related to anxiety issues, and I promise it's not as gross or uncommon as you think.

Anyway, I agree with everything Cherri said. Focus on you and your future. Cut out that ex, make peace with your parents until you can move out, apply for scholarships, do things that make you happy because you deserve to be happy.

I've been through these same dark times, I've tried to end it before, and I'm so damn happy I never went through with it. It may sound cliche, but it does get better.

Anyway, I kind of rambled there but please feel free to drop me a line if you ever need to. I know it isn't much and I'm not very good with words, but know there's a stranger on the internet rooting for you.

Your boyfriend is a sex and drug addict because of his own issues, NOT because of something you did. Don't let him blame you for something that is not your fault! Threatening to kill himself if you break up with him is emotional abuse. Don't fall for his games!

Don't listen to your father if he thinks you aren't good enough. He also sounds abusive, who cares what he thinks anyway? If you know your art is good, don't let him or anyone else tell you otherwise.

Please see a counselor to help if you feel you need to. They have mental health care at free clinics, where they give prescriptions for depression and any other issues you are having. Don't give up, I promise things can get better. <3

Here is are several options for suicide crisis outreach.

At the very top are several options for forms of communication. If you're more comfortable on the phone, chatting online or even texting, they have venues for all of those.

Here's some more too that specialize in specific problems or demographics.

You're going through so much and I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. You're not worthless or awful; you're a fighter and you've been fighting for a long time. It's going to make you tired and it's okay to be. People can and will help you if you can find the strength to reach out, and you have with just this post. You've hit a dire low point and I hope you can just focus on getting through one day at a time. Even one hour at a time.

Please stay with us. You're worthwhile and will contribute to our world in wonderful ways if you can fight just a little more.

Oh, luv...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful. I can't imagine the pain that's bought you to this point but I'm proud of you for making it this far, one day at a time. Your ex's issues aren't yours to fix and they never were, your parents have put you in a clearly toxic situation that isn't your fault either. You're good enough to get into art school, absolutely. And as others have said, call someone. There's so many ways to talk to someone for cases like this, you're not alone and you never were.

It will get better. <3 You just gotta stick it out a little longer and you can do it.

Guys.. So sorry, I was feeling extemely bad at the time I wrote this. I haven't cut myself at the tie, and I'm kind of proud about that... :,)

So sorry agin, you truly helped!

About the school:

CalArts doesn't really offers scholarships, at least no big ones? They do offer some financial aid, but I don't think It'd be enough... I'm trying my best to get better and get in, because, out of 100 applicants, around 6 make it... I need to be part of thoe people...

About my parents: It feels my mom cres ore bout my friends mental illnesess than mine but.. I think she'll get used to mine.. I can't move for no though, I'm still 19 and have like, no money at all...

About my ex boyfriend: He stopped talking to me, thankully, but now i'm having trouble with another guy ( i didn't slept with him or anything like that). It's coplicated and don't know what to do...

Thanks so much, again!

While I'm sorry to hear that the problems are still around, I AM glad to hear you're feeling even a little better. Keep going! (Also, maybe look into FAFSA for student loans?)

- Yay, I'm relieved to know you're still alive! :) Good luck with applying for CalArts! And, if you do get in, apply for all the scholarships you can. Some money is better than none.

As for the new guy, what kind of trouble? If he's bothering you and you don't want him to, have you tried being direct with him about it?

Every time you feel that way, please read this article. Have it saved to your computer or phone.

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/everything-you-will-miss-if-you-commit-suicide