Warning this will be long. So, I'm currently going through a divorce and just really needing some people to talk to. I just sometimes have really bad days where I'm scared and feeling lost and sometimes it's frightening to feel so alone and so sad while feeling so alone. It was a 10 year relationship (8 years of it marriage) and other than the occasional blip (and one big issue that was years ago and we both worked our best to figure it out and move on and we did) our marriage, to my knowledge, was a good one. Our first two years of marriage was odd but I never felt a disconnect then and felt he still very much loved me when we were going through that.

But the years after that, we didn't ever fight much, just a random misunderstanding type argument every once in a blue moon. Even those weren't anything volatile, just a misunderstanding and one of us that caused it communicating what we really meant and both of us understanding and moving on. And those were always about stupid small stuff. I had known him since I was in 8th grade and we had been friends. We got together in college. From the moment we started dating, I feel head over heels in love with him and I have loved him more and more as time went on. He was my best friend and my confidant, He knew absolutely everything about me, and probably no other person can or will ever be able to say that. Some of his flaws were serious ones and he hasn't always been the easiest person to love, but I am not always either I'm sure, and I have flaws as well...and through it all I always did love him unconditionally. I supported everything he did or wanted to try...always supported every decision he made for us, even when he didn't talk to me first or I felt the decision wasn't right I always told him if he thought that's what we should do I would have his back. I always tried to be the best person, the best wife that I could be for him.

January 3rd, I was already awake getting ready to call work for my appointments (I was on call for the day) and he came out of the bedroom sat down and said we need to talk. He then tells me he hasn't been in love with me for a long time, little things have gotten to him and he never wanted to talk about them just run from the issues, and he tells me he wants a divorce. I was devastated and heartbroken. I tried to talk to him about trying to figure things out. I offered to pay for counseling, etc. He said he wasn't interested in doing anything to try to save us and he was no longer invested in us. We rented a house, and we were getting ready to move into a new rental in Feb. to save money (new rental was cheaper). I was also told he would be leaving then, staying with friends until he could move into the rental and I basically had to new place to live because I couldn't afford the current place on my own. I had to pack up a 10 room house only me and one other person, and try to find a new rental in my budget, while trying to hold my job, and going through this heartbreak all in a matter of a few weeks. I am no longer self sufficient. Everything that was currently available in my area was out of my price range. I took the cheapest place I could find and still with utilities and etc and the storage unit I had to rent, I cannot pay for it all on my own and am now having to lean back on family to help me, which makes me feel awful and like a failure as a person.

Things have only went downhill since then. A lot of uncharacteristic behavior has been happening (uncharacteristic of the man I was married to for 8 years anyway), from him agreeing to certain things, then going back on it, being pushy over the divorce and messaging me every other day wanting to know when I'm filing my response to his packet, to being decent to me one day, then almost mean the next, And then to everything being done basically other than we're awaiting court date and suddenly he stops speaking all together which may be a good thing given the drama and heartache it's been but it seems like he was so quick to make my life even harder messaging me all the time when it was convenient for him but now that everything is done on my end, he's just disappeared and forgotten me already which is another stab to my heart. I don't know. I just need people to talk to. There's definitely more details and I can go more in depth but I don't want to just put everything out here and all. But honestly, I just feel like I'm drowning most days. I have had physical problems from all of the stress and anxiety that this has caused. I wake up sick and with body tremors almost every day. I've been having chest pains constantly and my panic attacks (which had been much better the last few months) have started getting really bad.

I really feel awkward posting about such a private matter somewhere online like this, but honestly I'm not doing well at all and I really need some more people to talk with on the matter and keep myself from getting too worked up I guess. Maybe I just need to feel like I have a few more people to talk to than what I currently do. At first, I had some people willing to listen, but I'm getting worse with it as time goes by and after a week or so, most people seems to have lost interest in listening. I have two real life friends that I can talk to, though one of them seems only bent on me "forgetting him" and that being the way to fix everything. The other, I feel like I just lay so much on her. I'm constantly calling her crying. And she's been so great to me through everything and I appreciate her so much...but maybe having some other people to talk to will also keep me from feeling like I'm putting too much on her as well and also give me other outlets that can help the way I'm grieving too. But if anyone could offer any words or would like to mail and talk further I would be really grateful.

Wow, that's hell that you have to go through this. I'm so sorry. You know though, sometimes things just don't work out, and it sucks that it took so long to figure it out, but if he's not being entirely respectful and honest with you (which it sounds like he isn't), it's better that you found out now, instead of years in the future. I know it probably doesn't seem like a good thing now, but trust me, if this is how little he thinks of you, you deserve better. And you will find better, even if it seems like you won't. Trust that your friends and family will get you through this. And don't feel bad for having to lean on them. We all need to lean on someone at some time. If they're real friends and good family, they're happy to be there for you. hugs Things will get better, promise.

- Thank you so much for the reply. It's just a really bad situation. I mean, I do understand that some things just don't work out...but it's just been so hard to accept when I never even was aware we had problems. I was still very much madly in love with him and everyone (including myself) still thought he was very much in love with me as well. He showed me he loved me in his words and actions all of the time and then suddenly he tells me it's over and that he's not in love with me. This was all January 3rd and just back at Christmas everyone around us would have sworn we were very much in love and people even talked about how they wished they could have a relationship as good as ours. It's been so very confusing. And I'm so very hurt, and I've drove myself crazy with all of the "what ifs" and "maybes" replaying so much of the past 10 years in my mind...wondering if maybe he wasn't just a good actor that had everyone including me fooled. Wondering if he ever really loved me ever at all...I mean 10 years is a lot of time to fake it...but his actions hadn't really changed in those 10 years much so maybe he never did. I wake up physically and emotionally sick and drained. I have dreams about him when I sleep and I wake up sick from them because I wake up to realize everything is real and I have to deal with it all over again. And then passed that I have to worry about money situations because I've been left financially unable to sustain myself. I can't even afford the cheapest rent in my area most months (my pay varies) and my family is going to have to help me now, but I heard my mom talking on the phone to my grandmother and she's worried that they won't be able to help me enough either. It's such a bad situation. -- I know I should think of it like I deserve better and etc. but I just can't see it that way currently because I loved him so much, and even with the way he's treated me through the process, I still do. Too much has happened, we can never go back now and I know that...but it just hurts so bad and I am constantly wondering why this happened and how he could do this to us.

So sorry to ramble. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest that's sort of rattling around inside my head. I'm just so upset and I hurt so much. Some days I feel like I just want to give up. I'm trying really really hard to be okay, but some days I feel like it's not good enough and that I'm never going to be good enough again.

Also, whoever sent the anon giftbox...I really and truly appreciate it. I thank you so much,

Don't give up. I know it sounds trite, but please don't. I can't say I've gone through the same thing, but I've been hurt before, and I know that you just have to take it day by day. One day, you'll realize it doesn't quite hurt so much. It's rather like grieving the death of a loved one, because in a way it is a death, of a relationship that meant a lot to you. You'll go through all the stages of grief - anger, sadness, etc. and one day you'll get to acceptance. I realize I kind of sound like some kind of psychotherapist, and I'm not, but...shrug All you can do is, like you said, 'try to be okay' and one day you will be. It will probably always hurt somewhat, but it'll be less and less with time. Oh, and I tend to ramble too, lol. But hey, if you ever want to ramble at me about this or anything, go for it. I'm online pretty much every day. hugs Things will get better, just love yourself right now.

- I am trying I honestly am...in ways for me, it's been worse than any death I've dealt with because even though it was heartbreaking when they died...I knew my loved ones passed on knowing I loved them and they loved me. Instead, with this, I'm mourning someone who has decided after 10 years that I wasn't worth it, while I was still so in love with him. Don't get me wrong, I'd give anything to get the people back that I have lost to death...but I just mean...the only peace I can find in such a bad issue is that they knew I loved them and they loved me as well (whether it was a family member or friend or etc).

I'm a firm believer in we never really get passed the hurt. Or maybe that's just some of us, but I'm definitely one of those people. I've dealt with a lot of heartache and disappointment in my life...and I never really get over it. And it never really stops hurting for me. I mourn things from 12 years ago some days still. I just learn how to live with the pain. The scar becomes something that I get used to. And I just get along as best I can learning how to live with that pain. But it sucks...and I just wish I didn't have to learn to live with one more scar especially one this large.

Everything is just so hard right now. I'm constantly crying, I'm constantly so depressed I don't even want to move. I can't get my new apartment unpacked and in order because I stay so depressed and physically ill most days when not at work all I can do is lay here and cry. I'm trying as best I can to be okay...but my best isn't very good or able right now as you can see. But it's all I can really do. I would be happy with just one night of dreamless sleep at this point. I'm so tired of hashing of everything in my dreams all night and waking up devastated again and again. I'm just so exhausted.

I appreciate you talking with me. I hope one day things get better...and I hope one day I can forgive the situation (I'll never be able to forget it), so I can move on better. I'm just not there yet, I'm not sure when I will be...but maybe eventually.

That is absolutely awful. I'm so sorry you're going through it. Definitely don't feel weird about talking about it to strangers online. Sometimes it's therapeutic to talk to strangers about it. It's part of the reason why talking to a therapist can help. I'm so glad you're reaching out to others in order to help you get through this. Having a support system will help you get through this. I sincerely hope something wonderful happens to you soon that at least makes things a little better for you. If I could send a proper hug through the internet, I would.

- Thank you so much for your words. The nice things people have said to me here, they have really helped me at least feel like I don't have to face things alone. I'm just having such a hard time with it all, and some days I feel like such a failure for it, but I can't help but feeling like I'm drowning some days.

I'm glad you don't feel like you have to go through this alone. You may feel like you failed, bit in my opinion, that guy wasn't treating you well by the end. So it seems more like his problem. I'm sorry it affected you like it did, though. If it means anything, I certainly don't think you're a failure.

- Thank you, your words do mean something. Having people to talk with really means a lot to me and sometimes allows me to get my thoughts a bit more in line. I wish it was easier for me to "get over it". I feel like my whole family just wants me to get angry about the situation and just be okay and move on. That's just not who I am. When I love someone, I love them with all of my heart and I loved him with my whole heart for 10 years. That's not something I can just "get over" so easy. I wish I could, because feeling like this is killing me some days. I don't sleep well and my eating habits have become poor. Not because I'm trying for it to be that way, just everything I try to eat but certain small things makes me sick, and the dreams and nightmares I have all night keep me up or keep me tossing and turning. This whole situation has been awful.

You are right though I suppose. Even if he had been good to me all these years, suddenly out of no where he did change. Even if I didn't see it coming at all, the way he's treated me going through the whole divorce itself has not been nice at all. Most days he's been a complete jerk and just mean and demanding while he basically gets everything he wanted and I am stuck to suffer everything out on my own. So that's definitely not the actions I would expect of the man I've been married to all these years. Something in him somewhere changed even if it wasn't seen right until the end. It's just really hard to deal with sometimes. And I know it's not my fault (even he has said most all of this is his fault due to not talking to me like he should have when things bothered him...and to me it's his fault for also giving up on us without even trying after that long to fix anything), but some days I overthink every little thing that has happened and let things drive me crazy and I just sit and wonder.

This isn't something you really "get over" quickly. You clearly invested a lot in this relationship, and that isn't something that's easy to let go of. 10 years is a long time. I don't really have experience with divorce (other than living through my parent's divorce, and even then I was too young to really remember anything about it) but I feel like this is something you get through rather than get over. You'll probably carry this with you your whole life, but it won't feel as bad as it does now. You'll come out the other side of this and maybe even find someone new, but none of that can happen until you're ready. And that's okay. It's okay to not be ready. Right now, you have to feel what you're feeling and process what you're going through. Take it one day at a time. Just do your best to take care of yourself and don't be afraid to get help when you need it. You're a worthwhile person and you deserve to be happy.

I wish I could give you a big hug. I am also going through a divorce. My husband and I separated in June of last year, and I have to wait till this June to file. It can be so lonely. Suddenly your best friend is gone, and for me, I'm introverted so I don't have any other friends. I have my family and they've been supportive, but not to the extent I need. They just don't get what I'm going through and it's frustrating. It totally sucks but I know things could be worse. It's hard but things do get better.