So, for background in case it helps, I was depressed from 7th grade to senior year with one exception, the fall semester of 2011. It was because of family issues and being alone a lot. Anyways, so freshman year of college started, it was great, wonderful, (seemingly) best year of my life etc. Made good friends, met who I believe to be the love of my life (still dating him now, starting spring of junior year in 10 days).

Second semester started and I became depressed again. I didn't understand why. Before, I had always become depressed because of a reason, and because there was always a reason there was always some solution in sight no matter how impossible it seemed. Even if I didn't reach those solutions, I always knew if I pushed through long enough I'd come out on the other end. But this was different. I don't think I would even fully acknowledge it until last semester.

I would have breakdowns when I would drink, and when I was sober (or drunk) I would find reasons to be mad at others. My sympathy went away. I stopped caring greatly, and I became mean. I'd talk about my friends behind their backs to each other, I would gossip, etc. Only a select few I never talked about because I genuinely loved who they were and I know they know that.

It continued till about three weeks ago when one revealed to another that I had been talking about them. I felt extremely awful, not only because I was caught but because I think it was a final straw to let me know just how awful I had become. I had already been in a private spiral of self loathing for at least a year and now it was just emphasized by a persons reaction to it. I don't know if that makes sense, but it definitely forced me to accept what I had become.

I know I'm an awful person. I know I'm mean to others and need to grow out of that.

I think I became this way because subconsciously I couldn't accept that there wasn't a reason for me being depressed, even though I believe now that it's just a chemical imbalance, really just a physical occurrence. I think subconsciously I was scared of the idea of there being no solution in sight, so I started to blame others for it. I became overly critical, harsh, mean -all to draw attention away from the hate I was feeling for myself and towards those around me. I feel completely awful for it.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to be able to change and grow from my pain, not destroy my relationships because of it. I just want to know if anyone has experienced anything similar, seen anything similar, or can offer any advice on how to become better. I don't trust myself to improve without advice because I've been failing myself for so long.

Thanks for anyone who responds, I'll be sure to reply.

Hey I read your post and completely get where you're coming from. I've also struggled with depression, for a long time, and I can relate to a lot of what you mentioned in your post (loneliness, family issues, self loathing).

I know how awful it is to realize that you've been hurtful and mean. I can tell that you are a good person at heart, and that's why it bothers you so much to realize you've been so awful to other people. I have also been there - different situations from yours, but I've also hurt people I loved before, sometimes on purpose, and then I felt terrible. Even if I lashed out at them, it wasn't really anger at the person, but just a poor way to express hurt and sadness I felt inside...

I remember how painful it was for me to finally have the realization that I needed to change. I imagine it's really painful for you now too. But, the pain of realizing this is better than not having this realization, because, now that you've been forced to accept that this is how you act, you have a chance to change for the better.

You asked for advice so I'll try and give some, though I am not perfect either...

1. If you have friends you trust, talk to them about this honestly, and ask them to call you out on it if they notice you doing things like spreading rumors, being hurtful etc again. I remember from my experience that, if you've been doing it for a long time, it becomes natural and you might not even notice yourself until after the fact. So it's better to swallow your pride and ask your friends to help you become a better person by not tolerating at all if you are mean to them again.

2. Start actively trying to be kinder and practicing compassion. When you're interacting with others, try to listen more than talk, and when you talk with them, try to keep shining the focus back onto them instead of talking about yourself. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Basically, you want to practice thinking about other people's feelings, and caring about other people's feelings. I know you do care already of course - You are a compassionate person at heart - But there is a difference between being a good person, and ACTIVELY being a good person, you know? Basically, it would be good to try and get into a habit of thinking about others before yourself - and caring about their feelings - It will eventually show in your behavior.

3. Forgive yourself. This is hard. But... the truth is, you made big mistakes, and what you did was not okay, but you were also doing it because of your own suffering and circumstances. That doesn't excuse it, but it makes it understandable. It means that your mistakes happened because of things you dealt with - NOT because you're just a bad person. Cuz you're not a bad person. You want to improve. It's hard, especially when you have depression, but you've got to try not to let yourself wallow in self-hatred over this. When you start wallowing, try to talk to a friend - not about yourself though, ask about their day, ask what they're doing, listen to them. Turn your attention away from yourself. It will help.. and later, you will be able to look back and feel proud that you were a friend to someone else.

I hope this helps. I think it's very brave of you to admit that the things you did were not okay, to admit that you need to change and that you might need help.

Finally - even if your depression has a physical/chemical cause, there's a lot of possible solutions to try out there. I am hoping that society stops shaming people for seeking professional help for these things, because there's truly nothing shameful about it, it's just like going to the doctor when you have any other thing... I encourage you to look for some sort of professional help for depression if you haven't yet. It's not always helpful but it's something to try, that could make a big difference for you. I wish you the best.

@ Happiness - I can understand what you're talking about. I've been there and in some ways still there. I can be extremely rude for no reason and hate the world occasionally. I've been rude to my fiance and blamed him for my problems. I've blamed others in the past.

It's not okay, and the fact that you're beginning to realize that is a step in the right direction. gave some good advice, especially the part about forgiving yourself. It's the hardest thing to do and will take a lot of time. Perhaps the best thing I can say is take your time. Don't tackle more than you can handle... It can get overwhelming and then you can get discouraged and give up.

If you feel like progress is slow, take a moment to make a list of how you've improved. Every little improvement is important. Also consulting the people closest to you is important, as long as they're understanding and patient. They can tell you how you've grown and what you can do to further improve. I've been tackling my depression and other problems for at least 3 years and need reminders that I'm doing better than before.

If you decide to seek professional help and go the medical route, please be careful. I would try to do everything possible before going that route.

Tinker and Cherri have given you a lot of great advice already, but as someone who struggles with long-term depression, I'd like to throw in my two cents.

You being mean to your friends is not the problem; it is a symptom. And you can practice being a nicer, more compassionate person, but being nicer isn't going to fix the root issue. (In fact, while depressed you barely have the energy to be nice to yourself, let alone other people; hence your loss of sympathy, something I also experienced. Being extra nice is a good idea to mitigate damage to your relationships, but it's going to be an uphill battle.)

You've struggled with depression for years, and that needs to be addressed professionally. It may be chemical, but since you said you have a background of family issues that you believe started all of this, it's likely that you may still be carrying baggage from that experience, even if you feel you've put it behind you. A good psychologist can provide a sympathetic ear to affirm what you're feeling and equip you with the tools to move past it. If you live in the US or Canada, Psychology Today has a comprehensive search function that can help you find a therapist; you can sort by your area, your health insurance, the issues you need help dealing with, and many other things. That's how I found my therapist.

And remember, if the first therapist you try isn't a good fit, try a different one. A mediocre therapist may do more harm than good, so take a few sessions just to test the waters and make sure that they are attentive and supportive. There is no substitute for experience in this field.

Feel free to ping or message me if you need anything. Best of luck.

is school causing you a lot of stress? That may have something to do with it. I had some problems with depression in college, so bad I had to get emergency counseling which has still stayed with me today and I can tell you what ive learned.

First, that the brain has pathways for healthy and unhealthy thinking, and they're like muscles. The trick is to clear up your positive path which can take a lot of time and practice to declutter, and to lose the habit of thinking negatively. Negative thoughts may appear, but that doesn't mean you need to continue thinking them or believe anything about them has to be true. Just understand why you may be thinking them to get a better understanding of what you can change, instead of releasing them into the world in form of gossip.

Also, you probably hear this everywhere, but learning to love yourself might take years just because your depression is so deep rooted and it will work wonders. If you are truly your own best friend and the most precious person to yourself first and foremost, you will be able to better help yourself instead of sabotaging your relationships. But it's only uphill from there.

It definitely helps that you have friends you have the utmost respect for. See if you can reach out to them, and just be totally honest with how youve been feeling. Also, you are NOT an awful person. You've said some awful things in the past sure, but they can't define who you are no matter how much you're used to guilt and self loathing. It feels silly but helps a lot to remind yourself that you are a good person capable of doing better.