I've had this weird feeling most of my life that at times, I felt uncomfortable being a female and wanted to be a male. Its something I never cared to think more about before, because I already had too many problems on my plate. Now, I think I'm ready to look into this further. I don't know if it's depression related or not.

Here's what I got so far:

The part that's comfortable being a female has distinct characteristics: happy-go-lucky, extroverted, feeling-based, loves dresses, medium length hair, and wants to wear makeup.

The confused part that wants to be male: introverted, logic-based, doesn't like people, very short hair, wants to wear oversized shirts and shorts, and doesn't want to shave.

I guess I can be genderfluid? Maybe I'm just a tomboy? I tend to get along better with guys, as I seem to share more characteristics with them. But, I always choose female avatars. I don't know. ;~;

well, first i want to say that gender expression and gender identity are different. you can be a guy who wears makeup and dresses and you can be a girl who doesn't shave and has short hair, or you can even be both of those things.

your male and female sides seem to follow gender roles rather closely. that's not necessarily bad if that's genuinely how your gender manifests itself, but it's important to make sure you aren't feeling pressured to label yourself as male in any way just because you have "masculine" characteristics; likewise, you shouldn't feel pressured to label yourself as female just because you have "feminine" characteristics.

that said, if you're feeling confused, you should just... try certain things out for yourself. y'know? like, how does referring to yourself as male/female/genderfluid feel? how does calling yourself she/he/they feel? try to find what makes you most comfortable. that's what's important.

sorry if any of this sounds condescending, i promise i'm not trying to be ;w; it's just that i've been there, and i remember how confusing things could be.

i'm definitely gonna second what said. just take it easy, you don't have to stress yourself out trying to find something that fits 100%.

take your time, try different labels, express yourself how you want, and have fun with it! don't try to rush yourself into finding an identity, or you're just going to end up more and more confused.

it will help if you've got supportive friends; ask them to refer to you as certain pronouns, maybe, test them out, see how they make you feel. get some new clothes, maybe try different styles to see what helps you feel comfortable in your skin.

gender can be a really fun, freeing thing, you know? i really wish you luck! :>

Gender dysphoria is just as important as gender extasy --what makes you feel seen, feel like someone gets you, feels like it is true to yourself, feels comfortable. I shoot for that...when possible.

I'm genderqueer, and that has meant a lot of different things for me over the last 6 years (since I found the word). Sometimes it doesn't mean dysphoria, sometimes it does. Sometimes it has meant being misgendered as male... other times, misgendered as female. Choosing how to navigate privilege and when it is worth it to be misgendered because the alternative is harassment. Gender identity, gender presentation, cultural gender markers... it is all a big ball, and the only rush to figure it out is the push to get out of dysphoria, and that...can't be rushed sometimes.

hit the nail on the head with their post. There are lots of labels that might fit you, so just keep trying until you find the one(s) you like best! I'm gonna list some for you to look at but I would definitely also recommend doing some searching on your own. Bigender Genderfluid Nonbinary Genderqueer Multigender Good luck figuring your gender out! It can definitely be confusing sometimes, and if you need someone to talk to feel free to send me a message.

To add onto what other people have said, gender identity and gender roles are completely different. For example, if you're working with the mindset that a typical female would have longer hair, love wearing dresses, etc, and be outgoing, happy-go-lucky, that isn't always true. For example, I'm female and I am an analytical, antisocial introvert who has long hair but can't be bothered to mess with makeup, and who is more likely to be happier around just my husband and cat than any other people. I was born female, and have always identified as such and don't see that changing ever. My husband on the other hand, born male and identifying as male, is the extrovert, who is normally positive and silly and puts a lot of stock into feelings and emotion, etc. Both of us have longish hair. Gender roles are a thing that society tries to get us to pick up on as children, i.e. boys like blue and girls like pink (I don't), girls like Barbies and boys like Legos (I liked both), or the man is supposed to be the provider and the woman is supposed to be the housewife (I work and my husband doesn't due to disability). As far as what you said about friends, I've always tended to get along with guys more than girls too, until I started meeting nerdier girls, because I didn't give two shits about makeup and fashion and gossiping about who had a crush on who or whatever. Whether you belong to a different gender category or not, you do you, and be who you are. Self expression is awesome, and important, but don't try to cram yourself into a category just because you think that you need a label.

Thank you for the support! I'm happy to know that I'm not wrong for feeling this way. ^^

- I'm thinking the way the genders manifest might be related to the parents. The father would always says things like "I wish you were a boy" and would refuse to take me fishing or play soccer because I was female. The mother would (and still does) complain when I dressed in pants and large shirts and say I wasn't feminine enough. Add in what society drills into you, and voila.

I think there's also a biological component involved, but I don't know how to figure that part out.

- My fiance is genderfluid and has suggested that I'm genderfluid as well. I could see that, but the term bigender caught my attention. It sounds like exactly what I'm experiencing... two distinct personas and random shifting between personas. I think I want to explore bigender more and see where it leads me.

- Like I mentioned to bune, I was harassed when my male side showed. Subconsciously, I kept the female side as the main part as to prevent harassment and because people liked me when I was feminine. But, there were a lot of times I couldn't help but to break out the male side. Yeah, there's definitely a privilege in society by conforming to your birth gender.

- I feel like there's more to my feeling than just being a nerdy, anti-social female. This is what I thought I was for a long time. But, over the last few years, I've noticed my two distinct personalities that I usually have no control over. As to how long I've had them, I don't know.

I don't feel the need to have a specific label, but I feel like they'll be useful while I'm figuring out what's going on with me.

ah, yep, i can totally understand that. gender roles and society's expectations are hard to shake. i'm curious what you mean by a biological component, though, if you wouldn't mind explaining?

but it sounds like you've found a label that could possibly work for you; that's good! i'm not sure if you intend to make any changes to your life when you figure this all out (changing pronouns, coming out, etc.), but if you do, i recommend taking baby steps... you can start off with close friends calling you different pronouns or a different name rather than announcing it to the world before you're really ready, for example. i for one did NOT take baby steps, and while it worked out eventually, i felt very anxious for a while after i came out because i wasn't actually ready to do it. so don't be afraid to give yourself a little time!

Everyone is different, and it's really important for everyone to be able to be who they are. Self discovery and figuring out who you are (gender, sexuality, even what you want to do with your life or what your morals are) takes a really long time for some people. There are a ton of people who are in the same position trying to figure out who they are. I have a friend who is a college professor who says that one of her students is bi-gender, and she says that there are a lot of differences, including quality of classwork between the two personalities, so I think you're onto the right term anyway. :)

@ bune - I guess neurological component would be more correct wording? Like, sometimes, I feel like I belong in a male body. Other times, I feel comfortable in my female body and I wonder what was I thinking. I also experience phantom limb type things. So, before I thought it was just a conscious mental state of wanting to be a male and then I come up with excuses as to why I'm wrong.

Fortunately, I don't have many close people to come out to. My friends would be 100% supportive, considering they're either transgender or have transgender friends. My biological family is a big fat no. I'm cutting ties with them anyway, so there's no need for them to know anything and rain judgement. The ones I would wait a while for are my fiance's family and the world.

@ Cicero - That's really interesting. I wonder if I have the same thing in regards to my coursework as well? I do know that the female side has a hard time focusing but is easily amused and the male side is very focused but gets bored easily.

Oh! The two seem to combine (focused but easily amused) when I'm doing something artsy like cooking or graphic design. Not sure what's up with that.

I would say that that it would make sense if that were happening, but it's hard to say, lol. Do your scores fluctuate a lot?

What you're describing to bune sounds like a form of physical dysphoria to me? (If you're interested in doing something about it, you could try looking into chest binders and packers, which could help you feel more like you have the body you want when you're male. IDK that much about packing, since I don't do it myself but if you have questions about binding I can give you some good info like safety tips, where you can buy good quality ones, etc)

- Perhaps... Two of the classes are consistent in terms of grades but two are not. One involves writing, which I can either be decent at or horrible at. The other is hard and confusing. Last week, I was getting high marks in those classes. I was predominately the female. This week, I'm struggling while I'm predominately male.

Thinking about past school performance from even back to elementary school, there does seem to be a relation between who I feel like and my grades. But then again, it might be depression, because my male side experiences the depression.

- I'm not sure how well binders would work with me since I have large breasts. ;^; Is it even an option? And, my hips are wide, though that's easy to conceal with large shirts. But, I can tell they're there.

It can be. Shapeshifters does tailored binders, especially for plus-size people (and they've got some pretty cool fabrics to boot!) gc2b goes up to 5XL in sizes also. So if you're interested it should be an option for you. There also exist hip binders (I know Underworks makes them as well as chest binders), if you're interested in something like that.

- Those fabrics from Shapeshifters are neat! :O These are a bit pricey though... I would have to wait a while if I wanted to get one.

...Plus, I'm scared of what's going to happen in regards to the new presidency and Congress. I was going to wait to reveal anything for a while anyway, but this makes me not want to say anything at all and just live with the dysphoria in secret. :x

gc2b sizes run according to their sizing chart (so, kind of small imo--I have a size 4xl binder but I wear like 2xl normally--they're great at helping with fittings and returns) but they're pretty great,and they're not terribly expensive to start out. There are also a lot of used binder exchanges type stuff out there/collections for donation for people who can't afford it. Even binding privately/alone or going someplace no one knows you (like the grocery store in a neighboring city) can feel really freeing and like a... Idk, a breath of fresh air.

But I hear you on the president. It is scary.

- Hmmm, I didn't know there were used binder exchange things. That's good to know.

I'm thinking for now, I might look into sports bras. They seem less intimidating to me for now. I'm kind of concerned I would have a hard time breathing in a binder or the fabric would bother me. I'm a coward about this whole situation I guess. ;^;

- Is it okay if I send a message? I feel kind of weird sending sMails without asking.

Yes, of course! :)

gc2b feels like spanx or any other kind of shapers if you've worn them before, except instead of sucking in your stomach or thighs, it just happens to be around your chest. Sports bras are hard..they kind of dig into me a lot even if they're the right size if you wear them for too long. Not very intimidating for me--just an under shirt. Only annoyance is washing them, they say hand wash... I use the delicate cycle on the machine because I'm lazy.

- Thank you! ^^ It might be in a few days though, because of schoolwork.

- That's good to know! I thought binders would be more restrictive like old time corsets or something. I'll look more into them once I've moved out early next year... my parents' house is not a safe space.