This is going to be very long, because I tend to write so much. This is literally a story. I'm explaining a lot in this and not all of it is important, trust me. I'll put a TL;DR at the bottom. In the meantime, I'm starting from the very beginning.

Two years ago, I was really into Minecraft. I'm talking addiction-level Minecraft playing. I was on there every day and every night. 98% of my friend group was based on Minecraft. I was dating somebody that I had met on Minecraft. I ran servers. My longest online streak was twenty-eight hours. On Minecraft, I met two people vital to this story: I met Hank, who I was dating, and I met Liam, who quickly became my best friend.

There was a honeymoon phase with Hank that lasted about three months. That we got together was a huge, controversial thing, and it tore one of my Minecraft friend groups apart. I literally lost six of my closest friends. Fortunately for me, I'm quite popular and had a few other groups to turn to, as well as Liam, but Hank was my rock. I'm the kind of person who will spam the person I love constantly. I would send random messages throughout the day, just explaining what I was doing, thinking, or considering. To have someone to turn to was important to me, even if my messages seemed like gibberish. I was incredibly dependent on him. The messaging allowed me to remember details more clearly and work through my anxiety about upcoming events.

Fast forward past the three months. Our relationship is growing rocky, because Hank's mental illnesses are fluctuating during an incredibly difficult point in my life. I don't blame him for his mental illnesses, but dealing with exams, family drama, and both of our mental illnesses was too much for me. Unfortunately, whenever I tried to impose a break, he would grow distant and threaten suicide. Essentially, I was trapped. Around this point, Destiny also came out and, being a typical gamer, Hank became obsessed with it. He would ignore me for days on end. He wouldn't reply to my messages. At one point, he ignored me for two weeks, and I assumed that we had broken up, though he later denied that things were ever that bad. He dumped me after we'd been dating for about seven months.

As I previously explained, I have mental illnesses. I suffer from depression, anxiety, and fear of abandonment issues that stem from a young age. As soon as Hank showed signs of leaving, I picked up my metaphorical luggage and dumped it on the next person that I trusted. I shouldn't word it like that, it was nowhere near as bad as that. Anyway, it was Liam. We spoke regularly, because they're my best friend, as I said, but suddenly I was sending them my thoughts and hypotheticals too. I was concerned that they would get annoyed and tell me to stop, maybe that I was messaging them too much, but they humoured me and our friendship blossomed. We went from best friends to best friends. We spoke constantly. We would have eight hour Skype calls and spend the whole time telling jokes and playing games.

It became very easy to forget about Hank and I owe Liam the world for that.

But it goes beyond that. Hank was a long distance relationship. He lives in California and I live in Melbourne. We were never going to meet. Not for three years, at least. (Neither of us had jobs.) Liam, however, lived two hours away from me via train, thirty minutes via car. We would occasionally meet in the city and hang out. These moments were awkward, but since we'd spoken online so much, it quickly became natural.

Eventually, I let my best friends from high school meet them. They got along like a house on fire. Liam is very charming, very funny, and very easy-going. They play the stereotypical Aussie card to get laughs, complete with over-exaggerated accent, and my friends quickly grew fond of them. I promise you, it's not hard. Anyway, Liam started hanging out with my friend group. At one point, I organised a date between Emma and Liam. They hit it off, but not romantically. On my birthday last year, we all five went camping. (It was a disaster. Liam, Emma, and Ally got lost in the woods. The police had to be called. There was a rescue party brought in. Would not recommend camping.) A few days after the camping trip, Liam and I went into the city to meet with another online mutual friend, Isaac.

Now, this is where the relationship actually comes into play. My feelings towards Liam had always been complicated. At the very base, they were my best friend, but I was attracted to them. I tend to be attracted to people who show me a large amount of kindness. I'm the kind of person who seeks validation and attention. I assumed that my feelings towards Liam were not legitimate and that what I felt was a result of my residual feelings for Hank.

But then we held hands.

It started as us swatting at each other, play arguing and having fun. Isaac had wandered away to speak to an artist that he knows from Tumblr. So Liam and I were play fighting. At one point, they grabbed my hand and just... linked our fingers together. I guess I sort of went limp and just stared at our hands. There was no spark or movie moment, but our hands fit perfectly together and I felt so comfortable. I didn't feel as if anything was wrong. We held hands for the rest of that day and, to be honest, haven't stopped holding hands since. If we're hanging out and I grow bored, I'll just pick their hand up and start playing with their fingers. (The tease me a lot for it. I don't mean to be too open on the internet, but I have a hand fetish and they have really pretty hands. I regret telling them.)

That day was the day that I realised I had a crush. The thing is that Liam is my best friend. I've already lost close friends in my current groups. I already lost Hank. I've lost so many people and I've finally found someone that I'm entirely comfortable with, that I don't want our relationship to progress for fear of losing them. I've always had a feeling that Liam doesn't like me. We talk about their crushes all the time. There's Madison, Cheyanne, and more recently, there's Jess. I don't look anything like those girls. They're all thin, white, and artistic (illustrators or cosplayers or musicians, like Liam). I'm overweight, dark-skinned, and average in terms of artistic ability. I had a mutual friend inquire about Liam's feelings towards me. Liam said that, although I'm cute, they think they'd get too mad at me. It's the truth, but also Liam hasn't been mad at me for at least six months now. We still debate, but that's just who we are.

Anyway, next part of the story. We're sleeping together. I had a raunchy thing on my New Years Resolutions this year and I jokingly asked if Liam would be willing to fulfill it. I'd never done anything sexual before, and Liam had never experienced this particular thing, so they agreed. And it happened. And it snowballed from there. I'm glad that they have been my first time for several things, and we both enjoy our time together, our friendship hasn't changed much except that we're a bit more affectionate towards each other now. People always thought we were dating, but now they genuinely think we are together. Sometimes catch ourselves thinking the same thing, just because we act like a married couple sometimes. We seem to have settled against each other a lot more following the hanky panky.

But I'm still not sure whether they'd actually be interested in me and only recently have they started to catch on to my true emotions. Occasionally they'll speak about their crushes and I think my reactions are beginning to give me away. I used to be very interested in their love life, only because I wanted the best for them, and I still do, but now I don't find myself smiling when they mention Madison.

Last week, I was slightly delirious after being bitten by a spider, and I kept kissing them on the shoulder. It was just a silly little thing initially, but their reaction made me want to turn it into a game, so I would start kissing their shoulder when they weren't looking. Eventually, when we were alone (Isaac left to get something), they caught me around the hip and said "Why do you keep kissing me on the shoulder, mate? Do you like me or something?" I know that they were probably joking, but my face gave me away. I turned bright red and my eyes went wide. I just responded "Whaaat?" and they responded "That's not a no." I ran away, shouting that they were dumb, and hid behind Isaac, because I knew that Liam wouldn't bring it up again with Isaac present.

So, I think they know? They're asked me a few times who my crush is, because I've mentioned having one, and every single time, they jokingly ask if it's them. I have to hide my face and call them dumb every single time, because I'm an idiot. They ask to read my poetry, because I mention my poetry blog, and I say that I can't show them. I can't show them, because all of my poetry is about them. I'm a complete mess! I'm acting like a teenage girl! I'm more mature than this, but I don't know what to do!

TL;DR I'm sleeping with my best friend, who also happens to be my crush, and I don't know what to do. I don't know if my feelings are residual feelings for my ex. I don't know whether my best friend likes me in return. I think they know what my feelings are, but I can't be entirely sure. I don't know if I should risk the lovely friendship we have now, just for my own personal ease of mind.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Maybe ways that will calm me down? Easier ways to break it to them? What do I do if they leave? Should I wait?

Good riddance on getting out of the thing with Hank. Sounds like it was for the best, he sounds like he needs time alone.

As for Liam, it doesn't sound like there's anything really going AGAINST you telling them. It sounds like you guys are doing really well, and the fact that they didn't react negatively to the shoulder thing makes it seem like they might have similar feelings. Best friends make for the best relationships, and judging by them wanting to know who your crush is makes it seem like they have some feels. As for breaking it to them, next time they ask to see your poetry, send them one of those dorky middle school bf/gf letters, like "i like you will you be my S/O?" and then the checkmark boxes. Idk since you said poetry I thought it sounded kind of cute, haha :) feel free to use it if you'd like. Hoping for the best. :)

Hank and I are still really good friends, but "good riddance" is how I feel about our break up too. A lot of his behaviour was manipulative and now that we're both single, we get along a lot more. He had a one-track mind when we were together, but lately he's been able to split his time a lot more evenly. It's good to see him grow.

It's difficult to know how Liam feels because, as I said in my initial post, they get along with everyone. They're incredibly charming and easy to talk to. I'm having a "But they're this nice to everyone!" kind of dilemma with this one. (On a similar note, I don't understand how anyone who's known them for more than a few days doesn't have a crush on them. They're just so wholesome. A bit of a slob and way too honest sometimes, but just... ugh.)

I adore your suggestion and maybe, yeah, I'll use it. I asked them if they want to go bowling at some point and that won't be for a couple of weeks, so I think I can talk myself into it in that time. If it doesn't work out, I think they'd be the kind of person to make a joke and then remain my friend, to be honest, but I'm scared, because I've been wrong in the past. It's a really cute idea though, so I don't think they'd react too negatively.

Thank you so much for the suggestions. I feel like I've analysed my situation so much that I can't see it clearly from any angle anymore, so to get some outside perspective is nice. :)

I'm glad to hear Hank is doing better :) That's really good, I'm glad on his behalf.

Bowling sounds so much fun! And you gotta consider that if you tell them you will know for sure, which will either be sort of a bummer or it's gonna be amazing, and I agree that they sound like the type of person who would take it lightly :) Either way, it's a lot of stress off your back.

I hope they feel the same though, you sound incredibly cute together :) Best of luck!

Either a bummer or amazing, you're right. I like that. A bummer is a better way of putting the negative option. It's not harsh, but it's still a no. It's like "... oh, well, okay then" and I prefer that over "no, they don't like me, the world is endinggg." It gives me the option to just shrug it off. ¯(?)/¯

Thank you so much! I think we'd be cute together too. >:)

(Also, and I probably shouldn't have to write this in the ideal world, but thank you for picking up their correct pronouns immediately. I didn't have to correct you at all and I find myself constantly correcting people, even mine and Liam's mutual friends. You even wrote S/O instead of boyfriend. You're a grade A human bean, you are.)

I'm awful at giving advice, but I'm hoping for the best and expecting to hear good news from you!

Good luck to you and Liam, you look an adorable pair! (:

Now that was a bit of a read. While I don't care for meeting people online and bringing it into the real world, you seem to have made it work with Liam, and I think it might just be best if you continue and see where it takes you. I think that it's very possible that you might have a future with him, but it seems like you're keeping it casual, which is okay too. Just don't rule out the possibility because looking forward is always a wise thing to do. Hope it works out favorably because things can and will get rocky. You just gotta know how to roll with the punches to make any interpersonal relationship work, romantic or otherwise. i hope the best for you, your endeavors, Liam, and your friend-group.

I never checked back in with an update, so thank you guys for reminding me.

At the end of May, Liam moved to new student housing and quickly made some new friends. Within days, I got a bad vibe about these new friends, but it wasn't my business, so I didn't say anything.

On June 2nd, Isaac, Liam, and I went to a lovely comedy show. It was an excellent night and we all had fun. I suggested that, since Isaac had travelled over five hours to hang out with us, that we hang out the next day too, in the city. Liam said that they couldn't, because they would already be in the city with other friends. I was pissed off, but didn't say so, and just said that we would see them anyway, even if we had to track them down. (They seemed so embarrassed of us. Why did it seem like that? I don't know.)

Now, the entire previous week, I'd been getting a pep talk from a work friend. She wanted me to confront Liam, once and for all, and I decided that that day would be it. I was going to tell them. I was scared, but I would absolutely do it.

Liam's new friends seemed nice on the surface. They were all getting piercings and made light conversation between each persons' appointment. These piercings were one of the bad vibes that I was getting. Liam had actively said in the past that they were not interested in piercings. They'd snobbed me for wanting to even talk about piercings in the past. However, again, it wasn't any of my business, so I didn't say anything. They weren't hurting anyone, so they could do whatever they wanted.

About an hour passes. Everyone has their piercings done. And then they all leave. No one says goodbye, they just leave the store. Liam gives us a hug then follows them out. I turn to Isaac and, since I can't judge social situations very well, said "That was rude?" and he just nods.

At this point, I start crying and find a quiet spot to sit down. It was just incredibly rude and, to top it all off, I never got a quiet moment to tell Liam that I liked them. I was heartbroken... and livid. Out came my phone and I wrote them a very long message. Incredibly long. And at the end, I tacked on my crush, that it didn't matter, that I still loved them as my friend first and foremost.

To make this already long story a little more bearable, they apologised, tacked on some excuses, and we hung out again the next day.

It was incredibly awkward. I would not look at Liam for the first two hours. Isaac got fed up and stormed off at one point. Eventually, I apologised and they just shrugged. We bowled for a little bit, got a bit more comfortable, and the jokes returned, which was nice. Unfortunately, it was still awkward, because I was unsure whether Liam had read the part about my crush. As the night progressed, I assumed that they hadn't and resumed my normal touchy-feely relationship with them. By the end of the night, we all went our separate ways.

Five days passed without conversation. I finally caved and asked if they'd read about my crush, they said yes.

Another week passed, I asked if they would ever acknowledge it. They said that they didn't want to and that it was basically very bad timing, that I already knew about their current crushes.

Another two weeks passed before we had a conversation longer than ten messages.

A month passed before they bothered to ask how I was.

It's been almost two months now and Liam has attempted to speak to me once, has declined all of my invitations to hang out, has ignored most of my messages.

I don't know exactly what has happened. I don't know if they're genuinely busy or if they're using their new home and course and friends as an excuse to move on. I don't know if they're just too embarrassed to have me around their new friends. Perhaps they've found someone new to sleep with. Perhaps our friendship just ran its course.

It's no one's fault, really, I guess I should've broken it to them differently. It's just how it happened. I've managed to smother most of the hurt that came with losing Liam with work. I guess, if it came down to it, I'd tell them again. It needed to be put out there. I was sick of it hovering around me like fog.

Aww. :'(

As I said before, I'm awful with relationship advice. But I'm sure you'll find another S/O who will correspond to your feelings and treat you right.

Time heal all wounds, no matter how deep they're. I'm sure time will make you feel better soon. Take care! ❤

<3 Thank you, lovely! I'm still confident that Liam and I can remain friends, maybe more, but I'm not going to bother reaching out to them for another couple of months, at the very least. We both have big things happening in our lives, apparently.

Thank you for the response though and for the support. I appreciate it so much.

Well, that's lame. I'm sorry you've been met with stonewalling and silence. I hope that you find someone who'll listen, take the time, and care about you as a person, because no matter what, you're worth that. It'll be okay, and if he can't see that, then it's his hangup. Maybe he'll come around someday, but you can't live for hypotheticals. Just keep your life on-track, and see where you end up. I know, not much help, but it's just words, and words can't fix a situation. You have my condolences and hopes for a better future.

Thank you for the kind words. You're absolutely right; I deserve better than how they've treated me, but I have very little self-control and believe in change in people (unfortunately). Once I'm set on someone, it's difficult for me to tear myself away. In saying that, I also get minor crushes often, so I'm not just twiddling my thumbs waiting for Liam to come around, don't worry. I'm just waiting for someone who I gel with effortlessly. :) <3

I think it's very important to keep the friendship, but do not keep hopes for more than that. If you were rejected once, keep insisting would be just humiliation. And you should never, never, ever humiliate yourself because of someone else.

Move on and I'm sure you'll find someone awesome for you. ❤

Of course. I'm glad I could be of some help. If you need any advice or anything, reach out to me and I'll get back to you as quickly as possible. I'm not on here much more than once a week though, so don't panic if I don't respond that day. I'm not dead or anything. LOL

When I noticed you weren't tagging them in things as often anymore, I figured that it hadn't worked out. It still sucks though, and I'm glad that you have other good friends who can distract you from all of this. I think it's good that you are giving them their space right now, as you say they have big changes to deal with right now. If they still don't feel the friendship in the future, let them be. They chose it, they gotta live with it, and you deserve better than that. All in all, imo they handled it poorly, and I hope that you will be able to talk about it with them in the future, be it months or years.