I very rarely ever post OR talk about extremely personal things in my life but I've been on subeta for 7 years and have helped people with personal problems on here so I feel as though maybe someone has been in my shoes. I'm not going to go into much detail about my problem because it'll be too long. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and we have lived together for over 2 years. I found out last month that he cheated. I truly haven't felt pain and heartbreak until then. I found out, with evidence, and confronted him. It's been a long month of feeling shitty. I genuinely believe that the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" can be bullshit. I have done wrong in the past, a LONG time ago, and it changed me as a person. My whole life and how I treated relationships changed. I believe that my boyfriend is sorry for what he's done, I really do. I don't want judgement here about me choosing to stay and working on my relationship. I am a really strong person who doesn't take shit from others but I am willing to try with this relationship. It's difficult and some days are better than others.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? How do you fully move forward? How do you stop being bitter and focus more on bettering your relationship? I'm very aware that I'm not the only person who has made this decision.

I think that you're incredibly strong and incredibly brave to stand by him after he hurt you like that. Personally, I don't think I would be able to, so I admire you for taking the initiative to try and mend your relationship.

Although I've only had a handful of relationships, my first relationship ended when my boyfriend cheated on me. This was about eight years ago, and only in the past two or three years have I forgiven him. We were once best friends, but now we don't speak. I know for a fact that I've forgiven him though. We were kids back then, kids make mistakes, and now it's time to grow up and move forward.

In saying that, I think that time and honesty are the only things that will truly mend your relationship. If you're bitter now, that will fade if you want it to. If you're not willing to let go of the negative feelings, then they'll fester like a bad wound. With the fact that you're set on fixing your relationship, I think that you'll manage to do it. You just need to make sure that your boyfriend is on the same page, that he's also trying, and that he understands how you feel. Keep things open between the both of you. No passwords on your phones or computers, no unexplained nights out, more time spent together, and clear discussions about what you both want and need.

I wish you the best of luck with your relationship. If you ever need to chat or vent to somebody, you can contact me whenever you like. :)

You are such a sweetheart! It was the hardest decision I've had to make but I do think it's repairable. We've always been good about phones and such as well, we know each other's passwords but I never felt the need to "snoop" on his phone because trust just wasn't an issue back then. Now I find myself struggling and wanting to read his phone because I get nervous. He says I can go through it whenever I want and that he's not hiding anything at all anymore and working towards being a better person, but the underlying paranoia sucks and I don't want to feel that way. I am hoping time heals everything. I'm impatient and wish things could be fixed right away but I know it doesn't work that way. I just never thought I would "be that person" who got cheated on because we always had such a strong relationship. There were no issues (in my opinion) between us for that to happen but of course it shouldn't have happened, even if there were problems. All I know is I'm never going to allow myself to go through something like this again. I told him that there will be no mending if something like this ever happens again.

It sounds like you're in a very good place, logically and emotionally, for the situation. From an outsider's perspective, I really think that you both will do fine. If he's willing to change, if he's encouraging you to check his phone, then there are two things that are happening. 1) He's moved his chattin' elsewhere or, and this is the more likely one, 2) He's really trying and he wants you to trust him.

Keep strong! Time heals all. If he does hurt you again, definitely skedaddle, but in the meantime, try your very best. Only proactivity will fix this.

First off, I absolutely agree with Gylfie. You're very strong and brave to stick around. Especially with the confidence that you have about the whole situation. You're handling it better than me, it seems like. I know how you feel, sweetheart. My fiance and I have been together for two years next month, but we've known each other for six. He went to jail back in 2013, a couple months after we REALLY started talking. At that point, he had been telling me he loved me for a little while, but I was unsure of my feelings towards him. I just knew I liked him, a lot. Ironically, the night he got arrested was the night I was going to say it back for the first time. Anyways, he was my best friend so I would tell him I was going out or whatever, and that I'd hooked up with this guy or I was going out with that guy, and eventually he told me that he didn't want to hear it anymore. I quickly apologized and told him I wouldn't say things like that anymore, and that I wouldn't sleep with anyone else other than him, because at this point now we'd agreed I would come to visit or stay (I lived in Alaska and he in Michigan). Anyways, being the awful person that I am, I slept around anyways. With a few different guys, all while telling him that I was being good, blah, blah. So a couple months after I ended up moving to Michigan, he found out about what I had done, including some other things that I came clean to him about. Everything that was discovered was sexual. Things I've done that I didn't want brought up, that I just wanted left in the past where they belonged, and never brought up again. He felt betrayed, and other negative feelings. He felt like I cheated on him because we already agreed I'd come here to be with him. After he found all that out, he started going through my phone a lot. He'd get really paranoid. I couldn't leave the room without my phone because if I did, I'd come back and he'd be going through it. I had a pass code on it, but he knew it because I had nothing to hide. The code was only there in case I dropped it and lost it, which I tend to do. He'd always ask me who I was fucking behind his back or what my boyfriend's name was, blah. Pretty common paranoid cheater talk.

Fast forward now to get away from my ranting. He got arrested two days before our wedding last year, and not long after his baby mama told me that he'd been cheating on me with her. Not the whole time, mind you, just around the time he proposed to me. Before and after. I confronted him about it over the phone and he admitted to it. Said it was the dumbest thing he's ever done and he wanted to be the one to tell me, but he wanted to tell me in a way that I wouldn't leave because he wanted me around. His timing was terrible, but he DID admit to it and tell me the details that I wanted to know, so I gotta give him that. He said he did it because he felt that I'd cheated on him and he was still very mad at me and that he didn't think I was going to stay, anyways because he didn't think I'd be willing to deal with him acting the way I caused him to act. Finding that out sure explained why he was going through my phone all the time... that guilty conscience!

Anyways, I decided to forgive him. Why? Because I love him, and the good outweighs the bad. I agree that people can change, definitely! When I was in college, I was a little ho, for real. Always had someone different coming over. I was single, so why not? Now, I wouldn't dream of being disloyal to him. I want to be his wife. I like the consistency. He seems to think that I haven't completely changed, but it's been two years, I've had plenty of time to get through that phase. I absolutely agree that finding something like that out is like a knife being shoved into your heart, and then twisted.

As far as moving forward, talking it out has worked with me so far. I still absolutely want to feed him his own nutsack at least once a week because I overthink it. Because he's still in prison, he doesn't really have the ability to try to earn my trust back. You think your month is bad? I've been dealing with this for about eight months, and I'd be lying if I said it doesn't just eat at me and eat at me and eat at me and some days are DEFINITELY better than others. I work in a factory so I just stand there in my thoughts all day, pushing buttons over and over. If it's a bad day, I think about it all day and I don't have any distractions. You're definitely doing the right thing by trying to be proactive and find ways to work with it.

One of the things that made me the most mad was that my sister in law had "heard" about it, his brother knew, his friends knew. Everyone but me knew, but I guess that's just how it goes, right? He forgave me (or at least tried to) for what I did, so I felt like I owed him that same courtesy. That being said, definitely let me know if you get any good tips about forgiving him!

Thank you so much for sharing that with me! You know exactly what I'm going through and it's nice that we can both say that we are forgiving people. It sounds like the beginning of your relationship has been pretty messy but you've both grown from the negativity. I chose to forgive him because I took a good look at when I messed up a long time ago. I know people can change from experiences like this and I have changed SO much from years ago. There are so many days where I get upset thinking about it and when my boyfriend comes home, I can't look at him and treat him like crap. I know it bothers him but once I'm in that mood, I can't come out of it. I've always had the worst anxiety and depression but with this incident, sometimes it feels like I'm never going to get over this. I don't want to keep shutting him out though and I'm trying to be more positive so we can work through this mess. I'm a receptionist so sometimes I'm completely slammed all day while other times I'm bored out of my mind and think about the shit he's done. It's been 6 years and we've always been head over heels about each other, he does everything for me to keep me happy, he tells everyone about me and always talks about how he is so thankful that I'm in his life, so it sucks that he turned around and did that to me. He says he's working hard to show that he loves me and is sorry for the dumb things he's done but I still get sad about it. I guess even the most perfect relationships crack sometimes. I'm hoping we can make this a thing of the past soon. We're suppose to be moving in a few months as well and now the process is a lot more difficult. I can't wait for the trust to be back and for me to feel happy again!

You're welcome. :) I don't share that with a whole of people, but it feels really good to talk about it and let someone know about it. I want to hold onto what he did forever, but I can't rightfully be mad about it, because I know I did something wrong to cause this. I didn't think I did anything wrong at the time, but he felt like I did, so he felt like he had a legitimate reason. Either way, I caused our relationship to turn out the way it did.

I act the same way towards mine, too... I get upset about it a little bit and make a lot of unnecessary comments to him. For example, two days ago, we were fussing about something and he told me to suck his dick, and I said, "I think Maegan has done that enough for the both of us." Needless to say, he didn't like that too much. Lol. Speaking of, have you figured out any ways to like, keep those comments to yourself? I find that's one of my hardest issues, as is his. He gets mad and says something to me, then I turn around and say something right back because I can't keep my mouth shut... lol. He feels he has to have the last word, and so do I. Seriously, though, if you come across any good tips, let me know!

I've been there too, unfortunately, but I gotta say - it's true what said about time healing! My fiance and I have been together four years since the incident and we are stronger than ever. Keep your chin up, sweetpea. ❤️ I hope it all sorts out for both of you!

Hi! I believe you are a very strong person to be able to still stay with him. I do know if I could do that, but if I really loved the person - I would try.

I won't write paragraphs, but I'll be short and simple. I've learned a lot about love and relationships from people plus my own personal experience. And I'll share some with you! Hopefully any of it can help you through your pain and journey of moving forward.

A lot of relationship issues result in communication. Has anything suspicious been leading up to it? It might've been something you kept constantly doing and he just did not address it, and decided to take on the action of cheating. Remember communication is the BIGGEST part of ANY relationship. Talk things out. Realize when you are wrong, understand to say sorry. A relationship is NOT 50/50, it's 100/100

It takes a lot to forgive someone for such a horrible mistake. But that is what it is, it's a mistake. Everyone should be able to be forgiven and a chance to prove themselves again. You guys have been with each other for a long time and have built a strong foundation of each other. Would you throw it all away for what he did, or start to build on this new level of trust and forgiveness? He needs to also realize the process of your forgiveness will be long and of course you will have doubts. It will take time. Are you willing to hold on and go through the process? It will make it hard for him to be trusted. You know that. He needs to realize you need time to heal. He needs to accept your doubt.

If you find yourself being cheated on again and constantly hurt - it is best to do what's right for you and move on. You need to take of yourself as well. If you decide that the best way to deal with emotions is to move on, then do it. Do what's right for you, no matter what. ❤️

It's hard to hold your tongue when you're thinking about it or in a bad mood. I have to keep constantly reminding myself that I am trying to work on things and I'm only setting myself back to square one if I keep bringing it up.

I'm glad your relationship is going well! I hope to get back to that again.

What a great response, I feel much much better after reading that! I agree that communication is the biggest aspect of a relationship. After sitting down after the incident and having many talks, I've been stressing honesty and communication. He's not a big talker in general but has agreed to communicate a lot more and be open about everything, whether it's something small or big. He's been trying hard lately and I appreciate it. The worst part about it is feeling the urge to look on his phone or harassing him with questions about what he did in the day. It sucks not trusting people, it really does. ;(

I'm a believer in second chances. If it continues, I would advise you to end it. I've made the mistake of staying with someone who continued to hurt me. It's a bad idea. Letting go of that grudge can be very difficult. I still bring up some things my boyfriend has done to me in the past. But if he is truly sorry and won't do it again, it's not fair to keep holding it against him. The feelings will crop up sometimes but you have to remember that he is trying to change. I hope for your sake that he really is. But if you hold a grudge and keep being bitter it will destroy everything.

Hello! I'm sorry if this is kind of late, but I thought, rather than some words from me, some words from someone who actually studied why cheating occurs, and how to heal a relationship once it's been discovered, might be better! Though, I can try to summarize some of the more important information, as it's a youtube video that runs a bit long.

Why Happy Couples Cheat | Esther Perel | TED Talks

(I put the link like that in case you want to look up the youtube video yourself.)

The section I'll be summarizing starts at around 16:30, and thankfully, you both are ahead of the curve here; he has acknowledged what he has done, and that it was wrong of him. It may sound cruel, but he needed to feel guilt and remorse for hurting you. Having been in a situation where my partner cheated on me, and never admitted to the harm he caused me, without this there simply CAN'T be any healing!

It also may seem unfair to him, but it might be a bit weight off of your shoulder (as, reading previous posts, you feel a sense of paranoia and lack of trust) for him to at least carry some of the burden by helping to protect the boundaries, and let you know he hasn't forgotten what he's done to hurt you.

For yourself, you need to be sure to keep up a sense of self-worth. Surround yourself with loving and supportive friends, do things that give you joy, meaning, and identity. A part of this is to keep an eye on the type of questions you ask him about the affair. There are some questions that really can only harm you and won't really bring you clarity. Beware questions like;

-"Where were you?" -"Where did you do it?" -"How often?" -"Is she better than me in bed?"

If you catch yourself about to ask these questions, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Instead, switch to investigative questions, which tell you the meanings and the motives. Ask questions like;

-"What did this affair mean for you?" -"What were you able to express or experience there that you could no longer do with me?" -"What was it like for you when you came home?" -"What is it about us (meaning you and your partner) that you value?" -"Are you pleased this is over?"

There's a lot more useful information in the link, better explained than I did here (where I mostly paraphrased her words), AND some further links about love and cheating, so I hope it'll be of some use to you!

I've been there too, I do believe that sometimes good people make stupid choices and that just because someone cheats once doesn't mean they'll ever do again, so I stayed. I was actually more pissed off that he decided to tell me the day before I had a final exam for a really difficult uni class, he always had the absolute worst possible timing. My advice would be that it's important to let him know how the situation made/makes you feel, but you need to do it in a calm and collected manner. I find it best to take some time alone and think throught what you want to say, then tell him that you need him to stay quiet and listen to what you need to say. Don't lie or downplay your feelings to preserve his (or his ego) but also don't go in trhowing accusations.

In my situation, it wasn't just one stupid decision, it was the first symptom of the fact that I really didn't matter to him, I was pretty much his back up plan while he shopped around for a better option. This has lead to my philosophy that once is forgiveness and twice is denial. If he continues to treat you like you aren't important, whether it's infidelity or other ways that he takes advatange of having you around, get out and get someone who is worth your time.