hi friends

I haven't posted in here for a really long time. I peeked around the boards and although all the names are different it seems like as nice of a space as it was the last time I frequented here. c: ( you dont know me but i would vote for you for president )

anyway hello friends my internet friends call me chen. I seem to write in lists, and I am sorry. If you care about pronouns because that's a thing on the internet these days, I am a she. I have some anxiety and probably some complex ptsd which often keeps me up at night. sometimes I either can't fall asleep because my mind is way too busy or I am terrified that I will dream about things like responsibility, money, academics, body image, one of my sisters in particular*, disappointment from either people I used to know or my parents, reliving an episode where I felt perpetually watched (especially online)**... the list goes on - and instead will stay up listening to music, reading short stories, watching or playing video games to distract myself from thinking about these things until I am exhausted and can just fall asleep. It's terrible and I've been trying to make it happen less and fix my sleep schedule, but anyway that's insomnia. *she was a bully who was probably going through her own adolescent shit and it probably helped her own self-worth to put me down or alienate me. I don't talk to her and make sure to coordinate (through my other sister who still lives with my parents) that she is not around if I visit my parents so that I might never see her. **there's a longer story I'd rather not talk about in public-facing, google-indexed internets

Other things to note about my situation: I am not in school right now. I don't have a job or a vehicle. I am still financially dependent on my parents, although I really wish I was not, hence wanting to start a job hunt. I don't live in the same city as my folks and yes they currently financially support my living conditions. I also wish to not talk about parent problems here, although they do exist.

I'm hella insecure about any important decisions to make for myself, or asking for help. At some point, I have developed a fear of putting myself out there only to get rejected. (Obviously, I feel that these forums are a safe enough place to put this out here.) Anyway. it's a very obvious behavioral problem because I sometimes can't talk myself into even trying something if it seems like I might fail. halp Please help convince my highly illogical self-talk that getting a therapist and finding a job are highly plausible things for me, or at least not impossible. :c

Calling into a therapist seems immensely terrifying to me. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for (both in terms of the therapy itself or what I'm looking for in a therapist), or what my situation might look like coming out of therapy (what I want to get out of it, besides some sense of peace maybe?). The only things I really know to ask during the "first call-in to see if you might be a prospective client" are 1) if they are accepting new patients, 2) if they take my (father's) insurance, 3) ask a little about who they are and what they believe in therapy-wise? maybe ask if they specialize in anxiety? I'm not even really sure what to call my situation (like if I'm inaccurately self-diagnosing complex ptsd) and a lot of the time I'm not even sure I need help (and is that conscious selective amnesia? that I've tried my best to forget a lot of shit and often the emotional impact is forgotten/blocked out but I still have dysfunctions when I hit my own walls).

Finding a job seems even more terrifying to me. I have not finished my undergraduate degree. Originally, I took a break semester in hopes that I'd freshen up after being burnt out, which turned into a break year and me figuring out more things -- that I probably actually just have anxiety and horrible stress coping mechanisms. I feel like I have nothing in the past year to put on my resume for any kind of job hunt? I have been drawing, taking a few off-hand art commissions, figuring out that things trigger me in terms of panic attacks (or near panic), (that yes that feeling I had in an organic chemistry test was in fact panic, not some general test anxiety) and then trying to forget that those things existed in my past by aforementioned insomnia/distraction cycle. Figuring out that in full panic, a shot of rum will get me through a janky bus ride to my parents' (I actually hate alcohol). Anyway, the lack of usefulness in the past year makes me feel bad about myself and any job hunting prospects. I'm not even sure what kind of jobs I should or might be looking for? Like, what kind of entry-level jobs should I be hunting for? grocery market clerk? what kind of jobs should I seek at local or chain restaurants? Should I be looking at craigslist? I dont have a vehicle but the city bus system around me is fairly good?

halp and thanks for reading my massive wall of text ;~;

Hey, first of all, thank you for your support in my campaign! A vote for mes is a vote for bees!

Second of all, and more importantly, thank you for posting this and sharing your problems with people. I know that can be really hard, just putting yourself out there, like you said. And just having all your problems right there in front of you too. But it's a good step in getting some help, advice, and making a plan!

So forgive me if this gets a little long in return. I've got some things that might help!

It's always a good idea to go to a therapist, I think. Even people that DON'T have behavioural health issues can benefit from just venting and getting that professional outside perspective can go a long way towards getting yourself squared. And I know how awful it is sometimes to make phone calls; I can't stand them and have times where I avoid them terribly as well. But with the therapist hunt, there are online resources that you can try first! This is one that I used when I lived in LA still that ended up helping me narrow down to a VERY nice lady who specialized in issues pertaining to LGBT people, which is what I needed at the time. Give it a try and see what turns up. Additionally, nearly all of the people who are there in that directory have email contact set up for questions and appointments. Much easier to ask if they have availability, accept your coverage plan and can help with what you want your focus to be!

On that note, and moving into the next point, I think it'd be a very good idea to tell your potential therapist about your issues with sleep and the racing thoughts that cause it. That's not normal or healthy and you can absolutely get medication that can help correct it. Some of it will also probably fall under behaviour changes too of course, like regimented bedtimes and wake-ups, but I'm just letting you know that that's not a baseless complaint to have and is most certainly a health issue that needs to be addressed. I have the same exact thing, all told, where it can literally keep me up for DAYS. But after some trial and error, I've got pills that help me manage it and function better.

Also, therapy to talk out and untangle and deal with the worries that are keeping your mind racing in the first place. Very important.

As far as job stuff goes, I know the kind of work I like to do NOW, after having done several jobs over several years. But when I was first starting and also sometimes desperate, I would apply to literally everything that sounded remotely like something I could do. Cuz sometimes the job that suits you best is something that never would have occurred to you had you not tried it. (Fact: I like working as hotel front desk staff more than I did being a writer/concept artist for a game company.) So I'd just toss out applications at anything that sounds like it could be in your wheelhouse or is something you could learn and just go from there. Worst that could happen is they just don't call you. And even if they call you in for an interview, you go, and immediately know you don't want to do what they're laying out, you are completely okay with turning down a forthcoming job offer. (If they press and ask why, you can just say that you found something else or got a better offer. Doesn't have to be true. Make sure to thank them for their time and consideration, though!) Also, if they ask in the interview if you have reliable transportation and you're indeed comfortable using the public transpo, just say yes. That counts as reliable.

There's probably more advice I could give, but I feel like this is getting hella long as is. So feel free to read and consider and ask anything else!

thanks del you're super rad ;v; ooo that site's nice, in that it puts a face to all the therapists they list. Before I've mostly been looking at the people listed as in-network via insurance. And, yea, I'm more keen on talking than trial and error medication (my impression of how that generally goes, with meds).

also, thanks for sharing your job-related experiences, it helps to hear how it went for other people (like, who didnt go from college straight into same-field job). Right now I'm fretting over small stuff, it seems, like "oh how shall I handle resume bullshit" instead of actually just looking at what's out there lol...

Aw snap, a campaign sticker! I might put that on my profile if I get your permission!

Additionally, if you're worried about there being a gap in your job history as far as the resume stuff goes, just say that you were pursuing education at the time. Even if you were taking a break that semester, it was still your primary goal. They won't pry about it, and if they do, that's weird as hell.

yea go for it! v b

that's a good thing to know! thank you... honestly, if anyone asked me I'd probably just give them a deer in the headlights look :I

You're on the right track. Trying to improve is half of the battle~

Story Time: When I was younger, I was appointed to a doctor who was supposed to help me overcome some issues. It was terrible. He was totally glued into his notes the whole time, trying to pin labels on me, being distant and unresponsive most of the time. I felt uncomfortable, to say the least, and, in time, refused to open my mouth at all. I stopped going. I thought he wasn't very good at his job, and for years, blamed him for the bad sessions.

If I hadn't let my disappointment cloud my judgement, I would have realized there was nothing to gain by pushing away the very people who were supposed to help me, even if they didn't meet my expectations. I should have accepted the situation and tried to make the best of it, instead of retreating deeper into my shell. While it sure didn't feel like it at the time, I truly believe he tried his best to help me, and would have been able to do so if I had let him. He was a kind person, in his own way.

While we weren't a very good match, I now think it was my mistake to assume that someone else held the key, that he could just utter a few words and magically make me feel better. That's not how it works, really.

Therapy can be a great tool, but it's YOU who has to be receptive to it. Opening up and making yourself vulnerable is hard, but it's worth it in the end. It may take time, but don't give up.

You seem like a smart and talented person, I'm confident you'll be able to accomplish great things if you put your mind to it. :) Good luck!

@ Chen Whoa, are you me? A few of the details are different, but I'm in a very similar situation to you now. Job-hunting, not in school, and anxiety/depression with symptoms including fucked-up sleep schedule. The one big difference is that I'm seeing a therapist weekly who I've been working with for two years now.

It is very scary to put yourself out there and discuss your problems together with someone! I'm proud of you for thinking of it at all! From what you've said, I think a therapist could be a big help to you. There are some things I hope I can reassure you with:

1. Any real therapist worth their salt is interested in you and invested in your problems. Not out of pity or just because it's their job, but because they have compassion for you as a person suffering with illness (and yes, mental illness is legit illness.) They take patient confidentiality very seriously, and the best therapists learn their patient's needs and moods.

2. You can work with a therapist to set the course and end of your treatment plan - and change it along the way. Going into therapy with "feel less shitty" as an end goal is perfectly reasonable and common. Therapy can be a steady process, and you do not have to figure it all out. Your therapist will help you with that.

3. You do not have to stick with your initial therapist. I went through two before sticking with my current one because we work so well together. Because of the personal nature of therapy, it's good to find someone you work personally well with, and that's something you can choose.

4. You are the expert on yourself, your therapist is the expert on fancy medical terminology. If you're not sure of your self-diagnosis, you can choose to say so or not. You could report symptoms and severity, and your therapist can help you diagnose and treat your personal problems. For example, I have problems with sleep, and my therapist and I discuss it every few meetings. We talk about the kind of recurring thoughts that keep me up, what emotions I feel, what times of night or month or year it's more severe, and what calms me down. Then we try new solutions based on that - music, reading, having something soft at hand, calming scents, warm tea - it's an ongoing thing. Some solutions help more than others, but again, it doesn't have to be solved all at once.

5. A matter of opinion maybe, but I'd recommend someone who uses cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown it to be widely effective, and it involves close work with the patient. And, it's what my therapist and I use and I find it very helpful.

As for the job hunting, I'm in the same boat as you there. But I'm not giving up hope, and not planning to! That you're here and asking for help shows that you haven't, either, and I believe in you!

It looks like you got a lot of responses but I wanted to add my story in case you were still looking for some support.

I started going to therapy a little over a year ago for chronic mild depression (bit of anxiety too, they tend to hang out together) and let me tell you, that first step of getting to the therapist is terrifying. You are far from the only person who thinks that. I also was really worried about my self diagnosis, even though I ended up being right. I have had my depression so long (my whole life) that I was just so worried that maybe I was just one of those people with a bad personality and there was nothing to "fix", and I'd just be that way forever because that was who I was. Anyway, even if you're not correct in your self diagnosis, the therapist will help you identify what IS the problem and work with you to help fix it. And I think that a lot of times we tell ourselves that if a problem isn't big enough it doesn't deserve to be fixed, because other people have bigger problems or yatta yatta whatever, but if you're unhappy then you have the right to improve your life and even if it turns out your self diagnosis is wrong, that doesn't mean therapy can't help. Plenty of what we might call "normal" people go to therapy all the time, it's not just for people with massive hard to pronounce conditions, it's for anyone who wants to work on getting themselves where they want to be in there life.

If the therapist in the end can't help you with your particular whatever, they should be able to refer to someone they think can, which brings me to my first main point:

If you don't like a therapist, you can always switch! It might be hard because you have to get used to a new person all over again, but they're used to having people not quite fit with their therapy style so it's perfectly normal for patients to switch. You might try one therapy style but then find it doesn't really work. I for one really like the cognitive behavior therapy my therapist used because it's really future focused, I don't like dredging up the past that may or may not be the cause of my depression, but you might find that more therapeutic, it's entirely personal which kind of makes it just a trial and error until you find the right fit (though as WanderingWillow said, CBT is shown to be one of the most effective forms of therapy for depression and anxiety).

Jobs are difficult too, when I graduated college I was a giant mess. My boyfriend tried to get me to write a resume and I just panicked and cocooned myself into the couch. Anyway, I'm no sure what kind of job you would be interested in but don't just limit yourself to restaurants or whatever. If you think you'd be ok doing that that's fine, but you could also look into entry level admin positions or the like. Scour LinkedIn and Monster, see if you have any connections among friends. The only thing I have here that might help is something my painting professor told me in college. He said that when he applies to shows, he applies to so many that he forgets what he applied to. Then when the rejection letters come, he's not hurt because he wasn't emotionally attached anyway. That's sort of the approach I took for jobs. Of course, if there's something you would really be interested in you might want to pay a little extra attention to follow up on your application and such, but I think you can just throw out applications into the world and see what comes back haha.

Last minor note, I saw someone mentioned medication and I wanted to let you know that you should not at all be afraid of trying meds if you need it. I would probably list my antidepressants as the single best thing that has happened to me. Before I started taking them I think I was full of all this fear I gathered from other peoples' bad experiences but in the end my experience wasn't like that, and I'm very glad for them (also studies have shown that the combination of medication and therapy is usually the most effective, and just like therapists if one doesn't work you can switch).

I hope something in there helps a little, but I'm always willing to talk if you happen to want to. :)

oh hey! sorry I didn't see your posts earlier, I mostly only check pings >.<

yea, I feel therapy for unwilling parties is usually ineffective, but yea it also sounds like that doctor you had wasn't the best match for the treatment you probably needed at the time? but anyway, I view a therapist as a guide or like a sometimes-annoying helper fairy npc, but I'm wishy-washy about finding one because I feel lost (in the general life sense), but I don't want somebody to dictate what I should do next. At least, I should know I looking for an lmhc or a psychologist, and probably not a psychiatrist...

anyway, thanks for the encouragement c:

hiii D: lol I'm you from a different dimension thanks for reassuring me about the, er, therapist process. It helps a lot to hear from somebody who's been in the works~ ? yea I think I would prefer to find a therapist who's got background in CBT since it seems pretty academia/industry standard (as opposed to... I'm not sure what models they use for relationship therapy), but at the same time I'm not sure if I should ask about what they would do with complex-ptsd since (I believe) that's more of a thing that's talked about in academic circles and not exactly in the dsm... but I guess it would be preferable to talk to somebody who can tell me if applying that label would actually help or not haha.

oh MAN thanks for the ping! yea you totally hit the nail on the head in the first part. like I mentioned above, I think I would prefer somebody with some background in CBT but, you're right, I probably don't need to hang onto finding some perfect match from the get-go. and thanks for the pointers on the job stuff and basically everything else ;A;

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@ anon(s) also thank you so much anon! you're so sweet ;~;

no problem. :) Glad we all could help a little.

I'm glad I could help some. I'm still in the midst of treatment myself - just got a change in my meds, and been having some odd episodes lately that my therapist and I are trying to figure out. So yeah, it's a process, but the most important step is getting started.

PTSD I don't know much about treatment for, but I think it'd be good to ask a therapist. they can point you in the right direction at least, and probably help you get set up with other resources. And I reiterate that it's great you reached out here and that you're thinking of taking these steps.

Good luck, yeah? And feel free to ask for support/advice anytime. You're not alone in all this.