I've hit a wall and I need outside opinions. Any would be greatly, greatly appreciated. Here's the story.

My fiance and I were to be married July 11th of last year. He got arrested and sent to prison two days before the wedding. Things were still okay at first. We still got along and still expressed our love for each other. The last few months, though, things have gotten very, very tense between us and he says he doesn't feel like I love him anymore. Note that he is still incarcerated and probably will be until at least August or September, we don't know an out date yet.

In November he got a ticket for sexual misconduct during a visit with me. He didn't even do anything but that day I HAPPENED to wear a dress and the CO that "saw" him do it said that my dress moved in such a way that it looked like he slapped my ass. Again, he didn't touch me. So, because of that a visitor restriction was imposed. We appealed it and I managed to get the restriction lifted for a month or so, and then the DOC in Lansing put it back because they denied the appeal and because the paper work for the ticket had gone through so no one can visit him now, not just me. Since then, things have become hard. He keeps asking me to reassure him that I love him and that I am not cheating on him, but I don't know what to say to him. I have told him that I love him with all my heart and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and that I don't want anyone but him. He says that is all nice, but he needs something more. I just don't know what to say.

Recently, his brother slept over at the house with me (I live with his mom and stepdad) and he slept downstairs in the room with me (NOT in the bed, on the floor), and I told my fiance about this because, of course, he had every right to know and I don't keep things from him. He took this to mean that I must have slept with his brother, and is now accusing me of cheating on him. He's always mad and has an attitude, even though I've sworn up and down that nothing happened between his brother and I. He says I also need to reassure him of that and try to cheer him up and say things that make him happy. Outside of sexual things (which I don't want to say), I'm not really sure what I can say.

Help, please? :)

TL;DR: My fiance is in prison and doesn't think I love him like I say I do. I need things to say to him that can make him feel better, because I'm all out of ideas.

I'm sorry for you that you are in such a difficult situation.

I suppose be clear and ask for more clearness where he is especially concern about has got more priority than to cheer him up. Maybe you can cheer him up if there is no misunderstanding between you and him anymore.

Hey, so hopefully this will still help you out, even though it's been almost a month since you started this thread. I'm sorry that this is something you need to deal with at all.

Ask him straight out what he wants to hear. You're not a mind reader and, since you can't even see him, you can't read his body language. Ask him what he wants to hear that would make him happy. Be honest with him! You don't know what he's going through, so you can't even imagine the sorts of things that he wants to hear.

As for the cheating, be honest again and tell him that you're hurt. He's accusing you of being unfaithful and you would never be unfaithful, right? He should trust you more. Suspicion like this could be born from something more serious and he needs to know that his paranoia and self-consciousness is having a negative affect on you. Don't just sit back and let him bully you about things that you haven't even done.

Mostly I'm worried about what's going to happen once he's released. Sure, you can show him that you love him again, but he's always going to think that you've cheated on him. Will you be safe? Do you have a backup plan for if things don't work out the way you want them to?

So, first, thank you for even replying at all. This thread obviously hasn't had too many helpful comments. It feels like I am alone in dealing with this issue. By that I just mean that it doesn't seem like too many people have to go through things like this. I've tried asking people that I know, including his mother, how I should handle this situation. She's given me a couple tips, such as telling him that I'm here for him no matter what, and I will continue to be here for him. I've told him these things, and they haven't even helped. He's so consumed in his insecurities about me.

I have directly asked him what it is he's looking for me to say, and he says, "You should know; you know me better than anyone. Figure it out." Sometimes he will tell me that I need to be more loving and give him more reassurance. I just don't know anything to say, apparently. I think he tries to be helpful, but doesn't really know how, the same way I don't know how to be more loving and reassuring. As I've told him, though, I can't just be like, "Oh, so I did this today, blah, blah, blah, and guess what? I'm still not cheating on you!" There's just not an appropriate place in a normal conversation to throw in reassurance like that.

You're absolutely right I would never be unfaithful to him. He is my first real relationship. We've been together for two years as of June 18th. It's nonsense to even consider throwing these experiences and this time away for a quick lay that I'd end up having to worry about and break off, anyways, right? He's so insecure and paranoid about me. Every time he hears something on the phone, such as when I'm in the car and have him plugged into my stereo so I hear him through my speakers, if I move my phone too much or he hears something hit the microphone, he says, "what was that? What are you doing?" and then proceeds to play 20 Questions with me. He knows it irritates the hell out of me. Then he gets mad at me when I get irritated about it. I've even told him before that his paranoia and insecurities have pushed me to thinking about leaving, at LEAST until he gets out of prison and comes home. He says to me, "Go, then. If you're thinking about it SO much, go. Nothing I can do about it." It's like he doesn't even care. But then he turns around and tells me that he loves me with all his heart and he doesn't want to be without me, and this and that. It just seems like he contradicts himself so often and sends me so many mixed messages. I get confused and I'm not even sure what to do or what to say because I'm afraid that I will get yelled at.

He's never laid hands on me, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried he might when he gets out. He's taking anger management classes, though, so I'm hoping those will help him to better his temper in general, and with me. I think I do have a back-up plan, but I don't know just how official of a back-up it is.

No need to thank me. I'm always here to help and, now that I'm back on Subeta, will probably be stalking the Issues & Advice and Relationships forums frequently. Everyone deserves help. If you ever need to chat outside of the forums, you can send me a message or contact through my Tumblr, which is in my signature below. You may feel alone, and you certainly are in an uncommon situation, but you don't need to be.

He's not being fair on you with the reassurance thing, but I think I can understand what's happening. He doesn't know what he wants you to say. I imagine that prison isn't easy for him and he really does just want to hear about your day or wants to hear that you'll still be there for him when he gts out. Instead of being blunt, like your example, you could say things like:

"I brought you a new pair of jeans for when you get out. Hopefully they fit you but we can figure that out once you're here." "Every day I see a _____ and it reminds me of you." "I haven't hugged/kissed another person in so long. I miss you."

Alternatively, if you're religious, you could look into getting some form of purity ring. I'm not religious so I don't know much about it, but if you believe in God, then you wouldn't cheat with God watching, you know?

I genuinely thought that you guys would've been together for longer. You're incredibly loyal to him if you're sticking around during this. I know people who would've left immediately. Heck, I know people who would've run for the hills at the idea of getting married so soon. I understand what you mean about not wanting to throw away the experience, but please understand that people have left relationships that went for much longer, because it was best for them. About the cheating though, tell him that! Tell him that you value the time you've spent together too much to just throw it away on a one night stand. You're a human being who deserves more respect than what he seems willing to give you, to be honest.

As for the twenty questions, I think I understand from his perspective. If you mean he starts accusing you, then it needs to stop, but if he's just asking questions about your surroundings and your plans, please humour him. It's probably boring as all heck in prison and he just wants a brief taste of the outside world.

From the sounds of things, and this is just my ultimate opinion about the matter, you guys should go on a break. Not for too long! It would just need to be until about a month or two after he gets out. It would let him readjust to life without any risk of you being hurt in the process and would give you the option to focus on your life without fear. Plus, if it's meant to be then it will all work out. The separation will likely allow for more anticipation and that anticipation should, hopefully, allow you both to reconnect in a positive and loving manner.

I think you're absolutely right, and he doesn't even know what he wants me to say. I just wish I knew what to say to him to help him. He's bottling up all his emotions because he's trying not to get in trouble in any way. He's just trying to do his time and be done, which makes me feel a little worse about bringing him so much worry. I feel like he's in actual prison, but I'm in mental prison. I run everything by him that I want to go do. Dinner with a girlfriend, he knows about it. Hell, I tell him even if I plan on doing something as simple as laundry or washing my car. I try to make sure he feels well-informed about everything so he has no reason to question anything or get himself worked up. Last Friday I went to dinner with a girlfriend and her niece. I had told my fiance we were going to an Asian fusion buffet that I recently discovered in the next town over. I'm a sucker for buffets. Anyways, I decided I wanted to go to Chili's. The niece was supposed to be off of work at 9, but didn't end up getting off until 9:20. Then I ended up waiting in the parking lot for them for roughly ten minutes. I told the fiance that I should be HOME by 10:30 or 10:45, and I didn't end up getting home until almost 11:30. It's a 15 minute drive just to get to the place. He got mad, saying it's always an excuse and I'm "suspicious as f***". Even when I told him that the only thing I had to do with was the location changing, and it didn't feel like that helped at all. He was mad at ME for things that I couldn't control. He just gets way too upset and suspicious way too easily. It drives me crazy. I have told him that I feel like that's one of the big things pushing me away.

I like your three examples of reassuring things that I could say to him! They're definitely better than anything I have thought of. It all seems so simple, but I really get to thinking about it, and it's anything but. I LOVE it when he tells me that I'm beautiful and pretty, and all the cutesy other stuff that women like to hear. I've tried telling him how handsome I think he is, and all he's had to say to that is, "thanks, but that doesn't mean as much to me as it does to you." That was my first real attempt at saying something nice, so because of that, I feel like anything I try to tell him would just get shot down. I have told him this, too. He says he didn't mean for it to come off as roughly as it did. He's extremely honest, even blunt. Excessively, at times. I appreciate that, for real, but sometimes it's a bit more than I can emotionally handle at any given time.

I'm not religious, and, thankfully, neither is he. When he first went to jail, he was reading the Bible here and there, but that didn't end up becoming too much of a thing.

He and I have known each other for, oh, six years now. We've definitely had some time to bond. I put up with all his nonsense because I know just how amazing he really is. He's just in a bad place, and he needs me to be by his side, supporting him the best that I can. My dad passed last September, and he was there for me every bit that I needed him to be. As much as physically possible, anyways. I'm still pretty sensitive about it, and he doesn't tell me to quit whining about it or anything. He continues to be supportive and helpful, and I want to just repay the favor as best I can. Thank you for saying I'm loyal, I wish he'd think that way, too!

The twenty questions isn't curiosity, at least that's not how it feels. He says it is. He says it's just him wanting to know what's going on. That's nonsense, and I know it. Total shenanigans. He asks prodding, accusatory questions. For example, a couple of days ago I was watching Supernatural and he called, so I paused the show to talk to him because he gets mad if there's anything going on that would divert my attention from him. Says it's rude. Anyways, I fidget a LOT when I can't do anything. So, when I'm on the phone with him, I tend to fidget. I like to use earbuds when I talk because I can't stand holding the phone to my face. This time, it was just me moving my phone around. Not texting, not on Facebook, nothing. All I was doing was like, waving the phone just a little bit. Not a full arm wave, basically just moving my wrist around while holding the phone. He says, "What the hell is that? What are you doing?" I said, "nothing", because I didn't think a whole lot of it. It's mostly absentminded fidgeting. So I get, "What are you REALLY doing? Why are you moving so much?" with an accusing tone. I guess what I'm trying to say is that he tends to look WAY too far into things and it's extremely irritating.

He and I have talked about going on a break several times. He gets himself so worked up and angry at me for petty things. Then we start arguing and fighting. Most of the time, it's him who tells me he's tired of my shit and is tired of dealing with all of my shenanigans. I've only brought it up once or twice. We always end up working it out when we calm down, though. We have agreed that a break might be for the best, but it'd just be the same as it has been, but without the title. Then he tells me that if we take a break, we might not get back together, and that if I go out late or do anything that single people do, there'd be consequences and we wouldn't get back together, blah, blah. I mean, isn't that what a break is for? Taking a BREAK from each other? Maybe I just understand things wrong.

This is really long, thanks for making it this far, lol.

First of all, I want to tell you how much I admire you for sticking by him through these hard times. It's very few people who would be this devoted to their significant other, and he is so incredibly lucky to have you :)

But what you're saying is raising a lot of red flags to me.

How he acts towards you is a huge indicator that he doesn't trust you. I get that he's couped up in there with his thoughts, but you're not doing anything that should raise suspicions. I can also see where he's coming from in regards to his brother, but he should trust that his girlfriend wouldn't want to do anything with him no matter what, but there is no valid reason for him to be this suspicious of you. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, as is communication. Have you told him how the constant questions make you feel? How much it's bothering you that he doesn't trust you?

Can I ask, was he like this with the questions before the jailtime?

I think a break could be a really good idea, especially if he gets mad in case you tell him how annoying it is. He is in prison anyway, so it would be easy to do right now, as opposed to when he gets out. It is an opportunity to take a step back and look at your relation with fresh eyes. You will have the opportunity to ask yourself, are these questions and these insecurities really something I want to deal with for the rest of my married life? Plus as I see it, you don't even have to be doing anything "single" during your break, because he would probably still suspect you of doing it.

I'm sorry if this post comes off as offensive and not what you needed to hear, but I can tell that you're really doing the best you can, so it's difficult to suggest things for you when that's seemingly not where the problem lies. :/

I'm sticking by the break suggestion. The more I read about your relationship, the more worried I'm growing. As Sound said, there are a lot of red flags. Neither of us are trying to offend you, but it's just so scary from an outsider's perspective. He seems incredibly controlling and, quite frankly, a bit manipulative. We both admire you for being loyal, strong, and incredibly considerate towards your fiance, because you seem to be going above and beyond for him, but he's not even trying to meet you half way. You deserve at least that much, as a human being. As his partner, he should think the world of you, but he's treating you like you're nothing and that's just awful.

If you could move out of his parents' home during the break, that would obviously be for the best. You said that he's never laid a finger on you, but you don't know what he's going to be like after prison, especially if he thinks that you've cheated on him. He shouldn't get a say in what you do with your life, especially if you're not together (AKA the break), and what you do during that time shouldn't impact his feelings towards you. He can't hold you to standards that he probably wouldn't follow himself.

Overall, you need to consider what is best for you in the long run, okay? You think that this is the only life you're meant to be living, but there's so much in the world and you're so young. Please don't limit yourself to a dangerous relationship if it ends up being dangerous.

Here are some links for you to check out if you ever need them, and remember that my inbox is always open. I'm not saying that you will need them, of course, but I would rather you have them, just in case.

Woman's Hotline Preparing for a Spouse Leaving Prison Relationships After Prison Womens' Health Chatroom Surviving Domestic Abuse

Thank you for replying, and don't you worry about offending me. Any outside views are greatly appreciated. Girl, sticking around is so hard sometimes! When he acts all crazy and unreasonable, it's a whole mental struggle for me to just not tell him to get fucked and that I'm leaving. I love him with all my heart, though, and as I've said, the good times outweigh the bad. This is going to be another long one, so bear with me!

I'm very, very aware that he doesn't trust me. He's told me that. As I've mentioned, he's very honest. I don't trust him, either. I can admit that I've made mistakes that have caused him to have such a lack of trust for me, so I can't lay that blame on him. Not entirely. Before we got together, I lived in Alaska, and he was here in Michigan. He went to jail for the first time maybe a year (maybe just under) after we really started talking. At this point we'd known each other for four years, I think. We had already been talking about my coming to visit and maybe stay, if it went well. So, he goes to jail and we start writing each other. We had already been talking all day, every day, be it texting or on the phone. Things got a little more seriously. He'd been telling me he loved me for maybe a couple of months before he got arrested. I liked him a lot, but wasn't sure about my feelings for him yet, so I always told him "thank you" or things like that to avoid saying it back. After jail, though, I started saying it back to him. It just so happens that the night he got arrested was the night I had planned on saying it back for the first time. I feel like I'm kinda rambling, I'm sorry.

So, after things got more serious, he told me that he didn't like hearing about me hanging out with other guys and all that. I told him I wouldn't say anything about it any more and that I wouldn't sleep with anyone else until I could be with him. Needless to say, I did not keep my word. I was young(er), single, and wanted to have fun. Fast forward a while until a couple months after I moved to Michigan to be with him. He found out that I had slept with several other people after I had told him I wouldn't. He considered this to be cheating. I didn't, because I didn't think we were together. He says, though, that we "might as well have been." He then found out I had lied to him about other things, all sexual. All stupid, sexual things that I just didn't want to be brought up and wanted to leave in the past. Stupid things I had done in college, etc. So, this leads him to now think that I can't "change just like that". Can't turn a ho into a housewife, basically. I keep telling him that I've had plenty of time to get through that phase of my life. I WANT to be his wife, and I WANT to be with him and only him for the rest of my life. I've had my fun. Because of us having a bad start like that to our relationship, he doesn't trust me. First impressions and all that.

I'm so frustrated with his lack of trust for me, but as I've just explained, it's all my fault. No ones fault but my own, ya know? How mad can I RIGHTFULLY be at him? He knows exactly how I used to be. I pretty much had a different guy for every day of the week. Not literally, but if I was in the mood for something a little different, I was covered. He's right to be a LITTLE suspicious, but it's been two years. That, on top of his not being here to fulfill any of my needs right now, I feel like I'm in the wrong for being upset with him about things like this.

I've been very expressive about how I feel about the way he acts when he feels suspicious. He says it all goes back to the reassurance issue. He says that even me saying something as simple as, "I want you and only you" helps. I can't say the same things all the time. Hearing the same thing over and over gets old sometimes.

Before he was in jail, no, he was not like this. He would get really paranoid and go through my phone because he felt like I was talking to someone else. He never found anything, though, because I would never do that. CERTAINLY not when he was constantly with me. I definitely agree that right now would be the best time for a break, but at the same time, I feel like it's also the worst. He needs a good support system. He needs someone to stand by him and be there for him. I keep thinking that it will all be better when he gets home. Maybe I'm just in denial because I've given two years of my life to him already and I know he's such a capable man. He's so loving and sweet when he wants to be.

Now your turn! As I told Sound, don't worry about offending me! You guys are just giving me your unbiased opinions, which is exactly what I asked for, and exactly what I wanted. You're both saying the same thing that the others I have asked have said, "leave him." You two are suggesting a break, and everyone else, including both of my parents, have said to outright leave. I definitely favor the break out of the two! Despite everything coming from him, I can't help but feel like I'm still doing something wrong.

I definitely appreciate the links! I am certainly going to read those and see if there are any helpful tips.

Okay I see how it could be perceived that way, but if he considered you more, he should probably have told you that that was how he felt. You're not a mindreader, and you can't be blamed now for something you did in college.

Here is a possible solution to what you can do, one that is currently working really well for myself. You need to take the break. It's a break where you should probably not speak very much to eachother - don't worry about his network, he has a family that could provide that. I agree with Gylfie in moving out from his parents would probably be for the best if possible. When he gets out, and you feel ready for it, you need to sit him down for a conversation. Building a relationship on not trusting eachother is doomed to implode, so you need to both agree on starting from square one. From here on out, the past is the past, and cannot be brought back to haunt your relationship. From now on and in the future, you are together and only you, which means you need to start trusting eachother completely. He has chosen to be with you despite of your past, that means he has effectively forgiven you for it. If he still blames himself for being "stupid" enough to still be with you, that's something he needs to work out on his own, and is not to get taken out on you.

It takes a long time to get that trust back, but it is possible if you both put in the work. If he refuses, or in other ways mentally or even physically harms you after that, I would immediately join the choir that chants 'leave him'. You say he is sweet and loving when he wants to be, but he should want to be always! You're his future wife, you deserve to be loved and cherished by him always!

I agree wholeheartedly with Sound. Plus, if almost everybody is telling you to leave or go on a break, then it's probably the best path for you. We're all looking at it from an outsider's perspective and aren't hindered by the emotions and concerns that you are experiencing. Everyone wants the best for you, I promise.

Also, being a ho when you're not tied to anyone (and you weren't tied to anybody, let's be clear about that) is one life's greatest joys. You deserved to go out there and have fun. You were young and young people have fun. I don't know why he should get to even have a problem about that. You did nothing wrong, please understand that. <3

You need a break from him. The things he's saying are manipulative and borderline emotionally abusive. Checking your phone is paranoia and controlling, and just another large red flag.

It's been two years. If he's still holding the 'you cheated' card over you, he's NEVER going to let it go and he will always bring it up when you two hit a rough patch. He's always going to think you're cheating.

It's probably not what you want to hear, but he's checking a lot of boxes for an abuser - and remember, abuse does NOT need to be physical. Emotional abuse is sometimes, in a way, even worse.

On top of this, I think you're only so attached because, as you said, it's your first real relationship. I'm concerned about what he went to prison for - though I don't want to pry. Prison is a big deal. You have to do something pretty bad to end up in prison rather than just jail. And for him to be in prison for more than a year is even more concerning.

From an outsider's point of view, his mental state doesn't seem to be stable at all.

It's not prying at all! He's in prison right now for a probation violation. He met my mom for the first time when she came to town for the wedding and we went to Chilis for dinner. He was on probation, obviously, and our county is a zero tolerance county, which means no drinkypoo. He was on random tests. Needless to say, he got drunk. The next day the testing place called his color, and they breathalyzed him for the first time in a year. He blew dirty. The only reason he is still in there is because the parole board didn't let him go when he saw them last October. They want him to complete some more classes, like anger management, substance abuse, and a violence prevention class. He got arrested two days before our wedding. I thought it was one of the worst things to happen to me, ever, but it turned out to maybe be more of a blessing in disguise. This experience has helped us work on our relationship on a more personal level without any of the distractions of physically being together. I still wish we would have done it already because my dad flew in from Alaska, my mom came from Georgia, and my grandma came from Missouri. My dad has since passed, as I mentioned earlier. Any wedding I have now just won't feel right. Still, though, maybe it's better that it worked out like this.

Sound, thank you for agreeing with me! I've told him I'm a totally different person now then than I was when I was single and doing what I wanted, when I wanted. I didn't have a very fun childhood. Nothing terrible, I was just picked on all the time and I didn't have more than one or two friends. I got good grades and didn't do anything wrong. When I got to college and was on my own with people my own age that I got along with, that was cool. Then there were guys that would actually tell me I was pretty and made me feel wanted, so hell yeah I was gonna have a good time! I've told my fiance that and he thinks it's just an excuse for acting like that. I mean, I guess it is, but I'm pretty sure it's so much more than that. It's like, I was accepted by everyone for the first time and I did things I probably would be better off not doing, but it was fun! Having male attention was like, foreign and exciting to me.

Now, as for breaks, when we've agreed to take them, they don't tend to last more than a day. He feels bad and wants to talk it out, and I want to talk it out, also, cuz, you know, I love the guy. He says maybe he thinks it'd be best if he left me alone for a few days and didn't call, but then that leads me to think he just likes to make me mad and then leave me alone for me to solve the issue on my own. He says that's not the case; that it's just easier to do that than try to make it better and have me having my "cunt ass attitude" and us fighting all over again. I tend to dwell on things, even the smallest of things. So if we argue about something stupid that I said or did one morning, that night I will still be irritated about it. If I fall asleep upset with him, I wake up in a crappy mood and continue to be a twat throughout the day until he and I talk it out, even though it'd be my fault we didn't talk it out in the first place. I confuse myself sometimes. :/

It hurts my feelings that he doesn't think I love him like I say I do, because he's one of the only people I have ever felt real, actual love for. Him and my daddy. I actually feel those emotions. I have a LOT of trouble expressing how I feel about things. It's mostly because I can't find words to describe it. I don't know how to describe it, maybe. My mom and sister, for example... I know I love them. I know I do. But I just don't feel it. Even my stepdaughter. I don't know if I just don't like her, or what. I feel nothing for her. I could never see her again and not give two shits, honestly. I hate kids, though, so maybe that's all that is. She's only 4, going on 5. Hell, sometimes I even have trouble determining if I feel discomfort or actual pain, like my tooth right now for example. I need a root canal done. There's an infection that has made its way down into the nerve. It hurts a lot. Even wakes me up in the night sometimes (I'm working on getting this taken care of, but I'm a broke white girl!) and sometimes when it starts slightly throbbing, I can't figure out if it's simply discomfort or actual pain. Not that it matters, really, just adding that I can't figure out emotions as well as I think I should, and that could be not really helping the problem between he and I because I can't express things, and I know and feel that I love him more than I've ever even wanted to love anyone else. There's more to this post than this right here.. reached character limit lol

Familial love is much different from romantic love which is why you don't actively feel it with family. The way that you attempt to write it, I can see what you mean about having a hard time expressing yourself about the subject. :)

It's you who need to be strong and persistent in the break, because it is you who this problem hurts eventually. It is "easier" to just talk it out after one day, but putting a bandaid on a bullethole won't fix anything. This is not about being angry about something and having a need to talk it out, at least not right away. This is about getting a clear head in solitude and gaining some perspective on your situation, so that you can eventually sate the need to talk about things, so that you are certain that you will say the things that you believe need to be said in a way that he will understand and comply.

I completely agree with what Aztec said. If he refuses to respect your boundaries and keeps up the same shit after you have talked about it, you should leave him. I get that you love him, but it won't be healthy for you to stay in the relationship if this is how it's gonna be forever, and I am not gonna lie, I am worried for you.

I'm a little late to the party, and at first I was all "you know, he's in jail (my dad spent a majority of my life in prison) its understandable he's a little paranoid" but now, I think he's an ass to be honest. Let me explain...

You said he doesn't trust you? You can't build a healthy marriage or relationship without trust. You need that trust. You need open honest communication as well as trust. If he's going through your phone, accusing you of sleeping around because of your past, then he doesn't trust you. Granted, for his sake, he is in jail, and he's probably got people telling him all sorts of crap, on top of he's not THERE with you. So I can sorta see his point to that degree. Jail/prison changes people. And if he's had paranoia issues before jail, he's gonna be worse now. But you NEED trust, on both sides for a relationship to work.

As far as you cheating. If it wasn't made CLEAR that yall were together, then no I dont think you cheated on him. Sure you gave him your word, but unless ya'll agreed you were a couple at that point, then no you didn't cheat. You may have lost part of his trust, but no you didn't cheat. You CANNOT cheat on someone unless you're together. Even then, people have their own opinion about what constitutes at cheating. If you ask my ex, cheating is as simple as having feelings for someone else.

But honestly, it sounds to be, like he's controlling, and manipulative, and verbally abusive, and that scares me. My ex was mentally abusive. Granted, I wasn't exactly a saint during the relationship, but it took me years to realize the relationship wasn't healthy. The best advice I was ever given, and I'm passing along to you, "One day, you will get tired of the abuse, and you will leave." I rolled my eyes when I was given that advice, but one day I grew tired of it, and left.

I get you love the dude. But you dont need someone treating you like a child. You already have a father, you dont need your boyfriend, fiance, husband taking his place. He is not your parent, he doesn't need to act like it. He doesn't need to be looking through your phone.