Please Note: I do not want to kill myself. I just want to cut myself, to feel like I can control how I'm hurt. I know it's not good, I know I shouldn't do it, but this is how I feel right now.

When I was younger, I had major depressive disorder. I cut back then. I was psychologically/emotionally, physically, and sexually abused.

I'm 26, and I've had maybe a total of four years when I was relatively happy.

I've got the depression again, and PTSD, and panic disorder with agoraphobia.

I am so messed up. I am angry, and sad, and disturbed. You can read why here.

The song 'Hold On' by All That Remains is so true for me right now:

"And you keep talking but we both know it's not true,

Nice to know that you're wrong.

And no matter what we both have to go through,

I just can't, I can't hold on."

, I'm sorry for you, you have got the feeling to cut yourself to hold a little control. The feeling to have too few control about yourself is frustrating. I think cutting will not really help you to get more control.

I have no experience with cutting myself, but I'm somtimes nasty against myself with words. I suppose it's not the same as cutting, but also not good to do. It doesn't make me better to control something. Words or fisical violence is still violence. What I do to prevent verbal violanece against myself is running the stairs up and down until I'm out of breath. Or when I'm really frustrated I ran out side. If it rains or so, it doesn't care me. I have to lose my negative energy by run.

I actually think that they are very comparable, as one often leads to the other. You seem to have found a way that works for you, but... I can't. For one, I'm fat and have asthma. Second, I am pretty much never alone in my house, which means I wouldn't run up and down the stairs because they would say it's weird (or, conversely, if I used the treadmill or bike, they would congratulate me and be proud of me, which would make me feel anxious and pressured) and last: there is no way in crap I would ever go outside voluntarily for anything other than sporadic grocery shopping/picking up meds or therapist/psychiatrist/doctors. I have panic disorder with agoraphobia, and the thought of even entering my back porch, which is facing the woods, scares me and I do not like it.

And while it might be great to relieve such thoughts at the time... you're not really facing where they come from, the source of those thoughts and feelings, right? They would just keep coming back and probably get worse. That's what happened to me, anyway (I actually used to be very active and not so fat once upon a time).

But I am thinking about exposure therapy. It scares me, it really does scare the crap out of me, to stand on my back porch--let alone the front porch of a pretty busy street--for even a second. I don't even like to open the back door to let the cat out (though I do anyways because I love her). And phone calls usually give me panic attacks because they are so sudden.

I do have more mental health issues than that but that's the main factor. Until I can work up the courage and finally finish the baby steps, I feel stuck otherwise. I only have one true friend that I keep in regular contact with. I block everyone else and use max privacy shielding on Facebook. And my friend lives like a day away from here.

I also want to thank you for replying. It helps to know I'm not the only one plagued with bad thoughts (even if only occasionally). Um, sorry if this post is a tad too long also ^_^;

Have you considered a counseling service like 7cupsoftea? It allows you to connect with a certified therapist for free in an anonymous setting via text or video if you choose to do so and it will allow you to work on the foundation of what is really tearing you down.

Are you on any medication at all? It sounds like you could desperately benefit from an SSRI. Additionally, you're welcome to add me on Skype if you'd like someone to talk to. I too am dealing with and overcoming PTSD, depression and panic although I've made strides to therapy and recently getting on a medication to help me "feel normal" again since I so desperately needed that.

Deep Breathing might help you in the meantime with your anxiety. There are tons of great YT instructors who you can google and find. It's great you have a cat, I find mine are extremely beneficial and in tune with me and my feelings.

I have never heard of that service, but I will certainly check it out.

I do see a trauma specialist and a psychiatrist, and my PCP and specialist also check in on me. I am already on two SSRI and one tricyclic, as well as a benzo and a different drug for nightmares. My therapist and I have started talking about exposure therapy and I will begin next week of my own accord.

I have also practiced yoga so I am very familiar with deep breathing.

I'm sorry that you're also going through PTSD. I also want to feel normal again, though I fear I will struggle with this all my life.

With your panic, do you feel an overwhelming amount of worry? My therapist yesterday gave me a journal and she wants me to log my worries and panic down. The catch is, I can only do it for 1 hour a day. So for one hour a day (for me I'm going to do it at lunch time since I can get out of the office) I sit and worry my little head off and write it ALLLLLLLLLLLL down. It's to help regulate my panic and worry to say "I'll worry about that at noon instead of now." I do my first session in 15 minutes SO I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW IT WILL GO. LOL But I'll write that down too.

Yoga and deep breathing are so great. I haven't done any yoga with other people, but I have done it at home. I have a room I have designated as my "gym" room with my elliptical and my mat and a TV with a chrome cast so I can follow YT videos. I find that exercise really helps me. Even walking around in my own yard is calming since I have the privacy of the fence and everything. My cats follow me around when I do it. lol

I have experience with cutting. I was never really a cutter, I was more of a scratcher where I didn't want to leave deep wounds on my wrist (but in certain lighting you can see all the scratch scars). Cutting may make you feel better at first, it won't in a few days. You're stuck looking at ugly scabs.

I'm going to offer some advice. If you feel like cutting, use a rubber band and snap it on your wrist as many times as you need to. It releases the same endorphines as cutting does. You can also use an ice cube and place it on your wrist. It does the same thing as the elastic would.

Maybe you can look into counseling?

I do feel worry, all the time. That's why I'm anxious, but panic attacks are a physical manifestation, or even a conditioned one, of such anxiety. So I don't exactly think consciously while they happen, and I don't really do much else to figure it out after since I already know why (now).

Sure, exercise is great, but I'm not ready for that anytime soon.

I do see a trauma therapist and a psychiatrist. I am on two SSRI, a tricyclic, benzo, and a different drug for nightmares. So I do have it covered on that front.

And honestly, I have heard of the rubber band thing... but it's not the same. I've tried it, believe it or not. And if you do it too much you can actually get physical damage from it. And often times, when I do feel like cutting, I wouldn't get a cup of ice because I would be 'safe' in my own room, door closed and locked (as it always is). I wouldn't venture out just for that.

Also....

please lock? I'm feeling better now. I suppose I just needed to vent.

I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm sorry if I upset you at all. ;_;

This topic can locked.

, I'm glad it goes at this moment better with you. Good luck with vent.