Please lock this :)
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Please lock this, it has been solved.
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I'm not sure if this belongs here or in Relationships, since friendships are sort of relationships, but feel free to move it if so.
Okay. If you've been following the Vent Room thread, you might know what this is gonna be about, as I've posted about this more than a few times, but I was encouraged today to attempt to change status quo since I can't seem to let this situation go.
I have a "friend". We have been friends for about 10 years now, and we're both in our mid twenties. I considered this guy my best friend for a number of years, but after a bunch of hidden truths and hurtful lies, a toxic relationship (his ex girlfriend) and a really awkward one-night-stand, this is definitely not the case anymore. (I'll be more than happy to tell some tales, but it'll be kinda tl;dr - I'll advice you to go through that Vent Room for examples). Long story short, I have lost pretty much all respect for this guy. Something one has to know about this guy off the bat is, that he needs to feel important for the people he's around. He prefers it when he's the smartest, and when people look up to him. This has caused him to develop a social circle consisting of 16 - 20yrold girls, which he drags along to most social gatherings. They create drama, they generally behave like teens at their worst and most of them treat him like shit because he lets them. This in itself is a big problem, but it makes sense when you know him; he likes them young because he can't be the smartest one with anyone his own age (which reminds me to mention that the age of consent in this country is 15). I have accepted that I can't change that fact because this is partly him not wanting or being able to deal with the abuse he suffered from when he was with his ex, but it basically means he shits on any friend if it means there's a chance he'll get laid.
Here's my dilemma. I don't feel like I can respect this man for his choices anymore. He has broken my trust so many times, and I don't feel like I can continue being his friend. Sadly this is the one friend with whom nearly all my friends are mutual. I don't want to create a whole big dramatic mess of things, and I don't want it to be a thing where my friends would need to pick sides or whatever, because I'm not like that. I also don't want to end up in a situation where I'll need to avoid places because he'll be there, nor do I want the vibe to be hostile. I can't just confront him, because it'll make him flat out deny and rationalize everything I tell him, and even worse, try to make it all my fault like he always does. I just want him to understand that we are in fact not actually close friends. That the fact that I know him almost better than he knows himself, doesn't mean that I like him as a person.
What I've done up until now is ignoring him on social media, unfollowing him on facebook and basically don't contact him at all. He rarely contacts me on his own, maybe one or twice a month, and I give short answers if even. It works, but it doesn't really resolve anything. I prefer it this way, and it works when I don't see or hear from him - I tend to forget he exists. But he does, and it gets problematic when there is contact.
So please, how the hell do I approach this?
TL;DR - My friend is an asshat, how do I cut him out of my life without ruining my social life?
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This is honestly a really sucky situation but I'll try to help out a bit ~
By cutting off contact with him both in real life and on social media you've already done pretty much everything you could, short of actually talking to him face-to-face.
I can only really think of two choices to go about this: You either keep ignoring him like you already do, once or twice a month, and hope that at some point he gives up entirely on this one-sided interaction OR you flat out tell him that you no longer want him to be a part of your life. You say he still contacts you so I'm assuming he has your phone number or something? If you can't expect him to delete it, know that you can simply block the number.
Truthfully? I think you should just be honest and blunt. You say you don't want to confront him because he will deny things and blame you but it doesn't have to be a confrontation at all. Walk up to him, tell him you no longer want him in your life in any way, shape or form (you don't owe him a long explanation either) and walk away. Don't stick around for his drama. State your feelings and leave.
If he doesn't respect your decision that's his problem and he's the one who will have to learn to deal with it.
As for how that will affect the rest of your social circle, just remember that his actions are not your responsibility. You don't have to endure the presence of someone toxic in your life just for the sake of keeping things peaceful for everyone else. If these mutual friends care about you, they will surely ignore any childish/negative reactions from his part (just like they would ignore yours, if they care about him). Just don't expect them to exclude him from things just for your sake. You have to be prepared to still be able to be around him, as strangers.
Thank you for responding :) Your suggestions are very along the lines of what I've considered; especially the first one as I'm pretty awful at face-to-face confrontations. I would never expect my friends to tailor their friendships around me or my aversions to some people. He has pulled the plug on me several times before (I won't get into details unless asked) where it has been kind of the same, so I'm used to being around him without engaging. I've asked them (the mutual friends) how they feel about all this, and they think it's a shame that we're so bad at communicating with each other, but that's about it. Plus, I've just learned that he has been evicted, so he'll most likely be moving further away in about a month, which is a huge help.