Sorry, that title isn't the best. But I didn't really know how else to word it. In short, I feel like growing up, my mom treated me, and still sometimes treats me in ways that are not okay, and as a result has negatively affected my psyche now. Like even now posting this I feel like I am young and stupid, and that I simply don't know any better and that I am in the wrong, but let me elaborate.

The main reason I feel that way, is because of the way my mom raised me to believe that no matter what, parents are always right and that I am wrong. My opinions are likely wrong because I am young and don't know any better, and that adults will always know better. That maybe is a little extreme, but that's what it is. And that is why now, I am doubting myself when I question the way my mom has raised me because I feel like to other adults, I am just sounding like a stupid young adult that doesn't know any better. Honestly, I don't even feel like I am 19 years old, I still feel somewhat like a child.

One of the things she does, is act like because she works that means she doesn't have to do anything. Now, I get that partially now that I am graduated and in the process of looking for a job. I don't mind doing housework and getting things done, however I feel like I shouldn't have to do everything, and I do mean everything. She plays around on the computer all day when she is home, and expects me to do everything, then if I am doing work on the computer (I write, so in a way I do work, but it doesn't count yet because it's not bringing me income yet.) she interrupts me to ask me to do things for her. If I am genuinely busy with something, she acts shocked by the fact that I could possibly be in the middle of something important. Or, I kid you not, there was one time when I was napping because I was sick, and she literally woke me up by calling me on my cell phone, asked me to come out, then when I get out I come to find out that it was because she was watching TV and didn't feel like getting up to let the dogs outside.

I'm going to cut in and say, yes I know I am very very lucky to have her support and a place to live under her roof while I plant my feet and hopefully find the means to move out in the near future. There are personal reasons beyond not having a job that will make moving out difficult, but the plan is to work hard and find a solution for those obstacles. I just feel like there is a point when it becomes less of me pulling my weight and helping out, and me being treated like a servant almost.

Anyways, this next part I feel like is wrong is what really makes me doubt myself, because it has a lot to do with feelings and the way I go about things. My Mom likes to act like she knows me better than I know myself, and that all of her experiences and what she believes is fact. I've always been told that parents know better than their kids, and I have no doubt that there is times where that is true, but I feel like she is naive at times in believing that her experiences and beliefs are the only truth. I've been struggling with what I believe would definitely be diagnosed as depression. In moments of clarity I can stop and consider it, and know that the way I feel, the way I act, the way I think, fit textbook depression symptoms almost to a T. However, my mom has yelled at me and told me that I am choosing to feel this way, and that it's not depression because if I were depressed I would lay around in bed all day, sleeping and not talking. If the people I know personally who have in fact been diagnosed with depression by professionals are anything to go by, that isn't true. And I know when I am choosing to have a shitty attitude, and this is not it. I would never choose to feel the way I do when I find myself in those dark mindsets.

Along with that, she believes she knows exactly why I do everything I do, and that I 1) Am incapable of logical thought and 2)Know nothing about myself. I am talking like things that are personal. Small example: When I was younger, my dad would spray pesticides or something on our front lawn every summer or so, I can't quite remember the seasons, but what I do remember is that I was terrified of these pesticides. He would come in with his clothes smelling like them, and for some reason in my little kid brain I thought that because the house smelled like it, all of the surfaces were tainted with it and that, therefore, the pesticide was on my hands and was going to poison me if I ate, touched my stuff, whatever. As a result, I was always washing my hands. I washed my hands so often that they got dry and I had to constantly have lotion put on them and stuff. My mom took this as I was an extreme germaphobe at that young age, which makes sense. I didn't tell her then why I was washing my hands so much, at least not in a logical way. But I remember and know exactly why I washed my hands so much.

Now that I am older, she loves to bring up how I was so germaphobic when I was a kid. I've tried explaining to her now that it wasn't germs, but the pesticides I was worried about, and she flat out tells me that no, I am wrong, it's because I was afraid of germs. It's a small thing, but it's extremely frustrating and she does it with more things than that, bigger things. She flat out treats it like I have no clue what is going on in my mind, and what she believes about me is fact. It's just one of the ways that she treats me like I am not a logical human being, when I feel like I am actually pretty good at stopping and looking at things from a logical standpoint. I love psychology, which is probably why I am able to stop and consider why I am feeling what I am feeling, and why I am doing what I am doing. But I digress.

I don't know if that entirely made sense or gave you all a good picture, it's late and my mind feels muddled with all of the stuff I am thinking over regarding this. Honestly, does it seem like I am a stupid young person who doesn't know any better? Or am I right in feeling like some of the ways I've been treated hasn't been fair, or right? I couldn't possibly explain every little instance where something has been said that has seemed negative, but I feel like a lot has been said that has affected me negatively now. When I talk to older adults, I feel like they just see me as this naive, stupid girl that has stupid opinions and that her opinions hold no weight. I feel like other adults see me as a child. I want to feel like an adult.

Hey, friend. First off, yes, your mom is putting up some pretty big red flags for an unhealthy relationship, if not emotional abuse. You are your own person, with your own thoughts, and no one can know what they are but you. People who try to tell you they know what's going on in your mind, or that your opinions are invalid because of your age, are wrong--and that includes your mother. My biggest suggestion for you would be to get yourself out of that living situation. If there's a friend you can move in with, or some sort of group in your area that supports people in your situation that you could go to? I would also recommend going to see a therapist. Depression is awful, and it doesn't really get better on its own, in my experience. (From your description of what happened with the pesticides when you were a kid, you may have some sort of anxiety as well? I don't know if you still experience this sort of thing, though).

Hang in there, friend, and if you're near northern Ohio or central Virginia you are welcome to stay under my roof.

No, parents are not correct all the time. No, she does not know more about you than you know about you. And no, when you talk to older adults, it's unlikely they see you as a little kid. There might be some instances where you come off as naive, but that's not because of age that's because of been overshadowed by someone who refuses to give you any emotional freedom.

Yes, this is an extremely unhealthy relationship and I would consider it a form of emotional abuse.

Unfortunately I doubt there's any use in arguing it with her. She would have to hear it from other adults and even then, it's possible she'll never 'get' it. I'm betting she grew up in the same environment. She probably grew up being told the exact same things as you and that's how she learned it. It's difficult for people to extract themselves from that mentality. You have to be strong enough to recognize that it wasn't right, and break the cycle. It's probably going to get even worse when you start to try and leave.

The faster you get independently on your own away from home the better. You'll definitely need therapy not only for depression but also the damage she has done to your self esteem.

- Your mother is emotionally abusive. It sounds like she's trying to keep you trapped living with her. She sounds a lot like my own mother... always putting me down and saying I'm lazy, fat, and dumb. She also refuses to believe depression exists.

There's two things you need to do:

1. Move out ASAP.
2. See a therapist. You have a lot of damage done to your self-worth that needs to be repaired.

I suggest seeing if there's an organization that offers free therapy. The key is to NOT tell your mother about it. Really, not telling your mother anything regarding your feelings is a good idea. She obviously would use anything you tell her against you.

Hey! This feels like you're talking about my mom. Yes, it is a toxic relationship. This article helped my lay it out and realize the relationship is in fact, abusive (emotionally/mentally). It really described what I was going through and helped me realize I am NOT the problem.

http://www.bustle.com/articles/123975-6-signs-you-have-a-toxic-mother

All the points in the article seem to pinpoint your paragraphs. You are an adult, and almost 20. I'm 22 and my mother still treats me like the article (and some ways you described in your paragraphs). Best of luck. Message me if you want to vent. ❤️