Hello, all. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and we are very much in love with each other. However, there, of course, is a situation which we do not see eye-to-eye.

To give you some background: I have depression, and I currently do not have any help with it or control of it. Sometimes, although I do have confidence, I fall into a pit of insecurity, and I have frequent thoughts of suicide that I wish I could get rid of. My family life contributes greatly since it is unstable as my father is an alcoholic and my mother is basically acting as a single parent. I am the eldest sibling.

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, as I mentioned, and we do not argue much at all. However, sometimes I feel these symptoms of depression while with him, and any little thing can set me off. I cry a lot when this happens. My boyfriend will ask what is wrong, and I try to explain the best I can, but sometimes I simply do not know what is wrong. He tries to give me advice, and tells me basically to ignore it and try to do something to make myself happy.

Many times he sounds irritable and sighs asking "What's wrong now?", which makes me unresponsive because I do not want to bother him. Eventually I answer. Tonight was one of those times, and I told him that I feel like he sounds annoyed and all I want is someone to comfort me. He tells me he is trying to, but I just do not understand. He basically said to "man-up". When I told him that these suicidal thoughts are really scaring me, he gave me reasonable advice, however he said that people who commit suicide are cowards and he feels no remorse or sadness for them. I felt a bit offended, but tried to ignore it. He cussed at me during the conversation at one point, and I asked him not to do that (as he agreed not to countless times before), but he threatened me and said that if I keep feeling insecure, he will cuss at me. I cried, and told him that threatening me helps nothing. He also told me that my younger siblings reflect my insecurity, which hurt my feelings. Anytime I talk about my feelings being hurt, he asks me why I care about what people think so much.

I am at a loss. I do not know how to explain myself to him anymore. I love him a lot, but he does not understand that I cannot control my sadness, and I only seek comfort. However, he just tries to give me advice and frustrates himself when all I need is a shoulder to cry on.

I am sorry if I sound immature or anything, this is the best that I can explain my situation.

EDIT: Thank you so much to the anonymous person who gave me advice! I really wish I could find you and thank you personally. :) You are a sweetie

You don't sound immature at all. This is something that's kind of hard to give advice on, but I'll tell you my experience and what has worked for me.

It really sounds like your boyfriend doesn't understand mental illness in the slightest. He needs to realize that advice isn't really something that helps much. And hopefully, he's willing to learn. It sucks, but most people really have no idea what depression is and you have to explain it to them. Or try giving him some resources, like some basic articles or youtube videos. I find "What it's like to date someone with depression" kinda articles help.

I have bipolar 2, and I'm always very open about it in relationships. I've had too many relationships fail because I didn't explain myself enough. No one cares that you're mentally ill until they start seeing signs of it, and there aren't always signs at first. I was going through a major depressive episode and ended up in the hospital- andddd of course my boyfriend at the time (who before knew me as a very happy person) couldn't handle it and we broke up. Another time I was going off my meds and my girlfriend at the time said I wasn't giving her enough attention and broke up with me. Ahh. Anyways, with my current boyfriend I've been like "IM MENTALLY ILL" from the start. And bless him, he's been so understanding.

Basically, it's a lot of "if you want to be with me you have to be with my illness" and it sucks. It really sucks. But if he loves you too he should be willing to learn. It might also help if he sees that you're taking steps to fight it, like going to therapy or seeing a doctor about antidepressants.

Also I don't think that he should be cussing at you if you've asked him not to. I have a big thing about yelling, and I feel it's crossing a line if my partners insist on yelling at me after I've explained to them that I've had some not-so-good experiences with that.

Anyways, that's my two cents.

Thank you for answering and sharing your experience with this sorta thing. It really is teaching them how to live with us and the illness, but I always feel ashamed of being defined by depression because I know that I am actually quite positive and caring a lot of the time u_u

My boyfriend wants to learn about how to handle me, but his personality is hard-headed and he feels strongly about what he believes which is a lot of the issue. Whenever my mind is clear, I try to discuss with him civilly, and usually it goes over well, however he tends to fall into the same habit.

He shows that he cares, but I think he sees his way of assessing my situation as what will help.

You don't sound immature at all. It's entirely valid to reach out for help when you need it :)

Seeing as you already assessed that he does not understand mental illness, may I propose a different approach? Since the talk and advice stuff seems to become tedious for him and ends up being counterproductive, maybe you could ask him to switch from asking "what's wrong?" to "how can I help you with this/what do you need me to do right now?" - something like that. It's quite simple, doesn't require that he sits down and attempts to understand every single bit of your inner workings while you're distraught, and you will feel helped and met on your terms where you are. Plus, eventually he will begin to learn what works to calm you down when you feel this way. Then as you go, he could attempt to learn about mental illness on the side.

All of this is of course a suggestion to how one could approach it. I have been depressed before, and am currently getting screened for a couple of PDs, and to me it really helps if the boyf is just there for me, rather than trying to understand why. But maybe that's just me, who knows x)

- Leave him. Staying with him is unhealthy for you.

I say this, because I was in a year long relationship with a guy that also didn't understand my depression and anxiety. He would get angry at me when I told him how I felt and liked to say "cheer up". I tried many times to talk to him and be patient. But, his unwillingness to cooperate and coldness to me made me cheat on him and get in a bad situation, because I was looking for the comfort that he failed to provide. Though, I never found the comfort with any of those guys neither. Breaking up with him was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

You'll find someone who will be able to comfort you and at least attempt to understand your mental illness. Based on what you said, it's definitely not your current boyfriend.