My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years, live together, and are looking at buying a house together. Yesterday we were sitting together on the couch and a photo of him and his friends (girls and guys) skinny dipping at a lake. I have two problems with this:

I have told him explicitly that I see skinny dipping with others as crossing a boundary, so I have feel like I have lost trust in him.

He also lied to me about who he was with, he said he was just with another couple and a guy but in actual fact he's with way more than he said.

I'm really upset that he broke my trust and crossed a boundary when he knew I wasn't ok with it. I'm also upset I had to find out by confronting him because someone shared a post on his Facebook feed.

I really don't know what to do. He said that he didn't agree with my rule when I said it but was too scared to argue incase I got mad. I just see it as really inappropriate and similar to cheating as I outlined that I was not okay with it and he hid it from me.

Advice on what to do please - I'm furious.

I can understand you feeling uncomfortable with your SO skinny dipping with his friends - especially if you weren't there and know exactly what went down. But I do personally think that reacting so strongly and calling it akin to cheating is a little unfair. Yes, different couples have different definitions, but it was by no means a sexual or emotional experience, and he clearly doesn't see it the same way you do, so your objections based on this won't be met with understanding. Definitely crossed a boundary, but not cheating.

I would focus on the fact that he:

1. Did something you previously told him you weren't comfortable with, with no regard to how you'd feel...
2. ...then intentionally hid it from you, by both lying by omission as well as with actual lies (who he was with).

Now, of course, he's going to rebut with the fact that he has already flat-out told you that he doesn't agree with your perspective, and you didn't stand your ground to make sure he understood just how seriously you actually take this. From his perspective, you said "I'm uncomfortable with [thing] for [reasons]", and he said "I don't see it like that", and that was the end of it.

My advice would be to first let yourself calm down. Then, once you're in a less emotionally-driven headspace, sit down and talk to him. He needs to understand exactly why you feel he has broken your trust; but I'd honestly recommend leaving out the "cheating" part, as it is a very serious accusation and would likely be met with defensiveness - which would derail the actual conversation that needs to take place.

At the same time, you need to keep in mind that your boyfriend is his own person, and thus should feel some level of freedom to make his own decisions, lest he begin to harbour resentment towards you. That doesn't mean going behind your back and lying is okay, or that he should disregard your feelings entirely; but you need to understand that the tighter you try and keep the reigns, the more he'll want to break free. You are not his mother, you should not be making attempts to control him - but he does need to respect you and your feelings.

The two of you need to come to an agreement; meet in the middle, where you feel your wishes are being acknowledged and respected, but that he's still free to have fun with his friends without worrying about how you're going to react. And, remember: In a fair compromise, neither party will be entirely satisfied.

Thank you for your advice. Everything you said is very balanced and logical.

An update: He slept on the couch last night. When I got home from work today he was angry at me. He said that I control him too much and acted very coldly towards me. I went out for dinner with a friend and he has gone to a party. It's nearly 12 midnight and he hasn't texted me back (I asked two hours ago when he would be home). It's making my anxiety really really terrible.

At the moment, it sounds like he wants some space and at this stage, I think you two need some space from each other.

He maybe angry due to what's happened. But, give him time like he needs to give you time and he'll come round. Like Narceu said, the more control you try to have over him. The more he'll try to break free and this will make him feel more angry and from personal experience. That never ends good.

Just try to stay calm and go over your thoughts, think of happy times you've had with your partner. Such as maybe, your first date or when you first decided to move in together and when you speak to him, include these moments and say why the Facebook posts upset you because of these moments of trust and happiness.

A relationship is about trusting each other. But, you also need to think about giving each other space to breath and have some sort of freedom to do what you feel is right (if he wants to go out with friends, you shouldn't maybe follow him and get anxious. I'd do the same and spend time with friends whether going out or inviting them over). But, the less trust you have and the more anxious you get means the relationship will become unhealthy.

My advice would be to, as I said. Give him space, spend some time doing what you want to do to calm down and feel less anxious (personally I enjoy baking or watching a movie, spending time with friends or playing video games) and when the time feels right for you. Sit down and speak to him.

Sorry about your situation. This sounds just like my relationship and my advice would be, like other people already said, to take some space. I know it's hard, but the more you try to tell him that he is wrong and hurting you, the more he'll drift away. In my case, we've had so many episodes like the one you just described that at this point we don't fight at all anymore because I stopped caring and can't get past the problems. I'd say that if you're both committed to keeping the relationship you'll have to meet each other halfway.

Thanks guys, I definitely agree about the space thing. He came home that evening after his party and he was a bit drunk, but he was really nice to me (I think partially due to the drunk part). As he sobered up we discussed it and he said that he felt I needed to loosen up. We came to a compromise that he would only skinny dip if I was with him. Our relationship is now on good terms again, however there is still an underlying consistent thing going on in his mind about being too restrained; I know that won't go away overnight.

He also explained that the people he was with were friends of one of his friends who just turned up; I didn't accuse him of lying but rather asked who they were.

good to hear <3 no issues will be resolved over night so stay strong and things will work out for the best!