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I guess it's about time for this. First of all, I'd like to apologize - I've been on this site for several years and just earlier this month realized that there was a way to view the recent posts of a specific user. That's the only reason I've really got for not finding your reply to the last thing I sent, which was several months ago by now. I'm just bad at Subeta sometimes. But I promise, I haven't forgotten about you. And even if the world feels like an infinite ocean in which you believe you will drown, don't you dare give up on yourself. Don't even think about it, because if you keep on trying, keep on struggling to keep your head above, you'll see: it's a lot easier to swim by kicking than it is by crying. It's not necessarily going to be easy, but eventually you're going to find a shore. You just have to keep going, because it's there, and it's beautiful. And so are you. So go to your treatment program and blow their minds. Make them wonder why you're even in it in the first place. Make yourself wonder, because you'll be so incredibly healthy and beautiful. And eventually, you'll get back to school. You'll graduate. It's just gonna take a little time. Read good books, listen to amazing music, just take a bit to refocus. You're gonna be okay, and you can still be a wonderful speech pathologist. You'll just be a healthier one. Keep breathing, and please, try to eat. It's worth it, I promise.

AAAAAHH. Ahmahgod, anon. You are not bad at Subeta and I never thought you had forgotten about me. <3 You are the best and I want you to know that I'm sosososo grateful for your motivating and beautiful message (and the lovely gift -- I mean woooahhh there are no words holy cheesus). You've given me a whole bunch of hope right now and you've helped stoke the fire in me to fight this thing. c:

It looks like I'll be going into treatment tomorrow if the insurance paperwork is completed in time. I'm terrified but a little relieved that things will hopefully become easier and I'll stop thinking in calories and numbers and measuring and weighing everything obsessively and having breakdowns in the kitchen over food that I desperately want to eat but can't.

I want to be able to eat pizza like a normal person so bad (mmm pizza). I want to be able to go to a restaurant and order something other than a gross bowl of salad leaves. I want to be able to enjoy food again (and get rid of the medical side effects and symptoms in the process).

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You're gonna get there! Yeah, the medical side effects are a pain (no pun intended), but seriously, it's gotta be better than salad - and besides, I was supposed to be the bunny here, silly! You need to eat like a person, not a bunny, okay? Bunnies are cute and all, but that look only really works if you're furry, about a foot tall, and have extremely large ears. And besides, I think some breakfast (i don't care what time of day/night it is, there is always a breakfast food that is relevant) would help you look nicer than a shrink ray or ears that extend several inches from your head could. c: All that math sounds like a bunch of work! It must take a lot of effort to keep that up. And y'know what annoying things that require effort are? Typically unnecessary. So be nice to yourself, okay? Be lazy! Would you have a problem putting it off if all those calculations were homework? (i definitely wouldn't, i'm awful at math.) Quit letting that evil math teacher in your head assign you so much stuff! You don't have to do all that work. The world (your world, my world, and/or the general universe) will not implode if you don't know how many calories are in something, because you deserve a lot more of them than you've been letting yourself have. So even if it's a bunch, just think of it as paying yourself back for all those days you wouldn't let yourself eat. You deserve all the good things! Remember that cake? The first one I sent you? You're gonna survive, and this cake believes in you too (plus it has prettier frosting than the other one). You're super sweet to other people, so be sweet to yourself too. c:

Yeah, sorry about that. I wish I was a bunny, they're adorable and I would absolutely love to have pretty fur instead of dealing with my ridiculous hair. But that would also mean I'd probably have a super difficult time with typing, and I kinda like typing because I get to type stuff like this and make you smile. These cute little bunnies will totally let you play with their umbrellas though, so maybe that makes up for it?

Aw, anon, thank you so much x13821480482421. This morning I found out that my insurance is still pending over approving coverage for residential treatment, so your lovely message (and gifts -- y u so generous?!) has been very helpful today. It looks like I may not go to treatment until Tuesday. :|

My disorder is happy for the chance to have potential extra days of restrictive eating, but a large part of me just wants to start the recovery process. A few days ago, I was convinced treatment was unnecessary and that I could eat enough to gain weight on my own. However, after trying to do so yesterday and today and experiencing the crazy hard work and difficulty it took to up my food intake even a little bit, I know that I have to be in a higher level of care right now and that's okay. Eventually the math teacher in my head will shut up and I can enjoy my cake (which will for sure be a corner piece because more frosting = more happiness)!

In the mean time, I'm trying to take your advice and be sweet to myself. Tomorrow I'm going to try to have a slice of pizza for dinner. No offense to bunnies, but pizza > salad!

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Hey, that's okay! Tuesday isn't too far away, and it gives you a little more time to process everything and get used to the idea. And I'm really hoping to have time to send you pretty things every day up until then at the very least so that I can help keep you motivated/positive about this all! Tuesdays are good days! And the Saturday, Sunday, and Monday between can be good too, just keep looking up! ^^

(and i dunno, i don't really think of it so much as trying to be generous as wanting to match the items to the stuff i'm writing! tbh i usually look through your wl and if something strikes me as like "i could write a thing about this/this is related to what i'm wanting to write" then i buy it and ta-da! and if i still don't know what to send you then i go sift through my vault [which is obscenely large at this point] and do the same thing, and then so on and so on with various lists on subetalodge, like today i just kinda went with a general theme of yummy and adorable, because this stuff is super sweet so maybe it'll make you want to be a little sweeter to yourself. c: i'm really glad you like the things though, i always try to make them pretty!)

Yayyyy! That's probably the most important thing in recovering: wanting to. Cause if you want something enough, eventually you're gonna figure out how to get it done. Wanting something and needing something are, in my experience, the only reasons that most people do anything, cause they're both really good motivators to get stuff done; when they're stacked on top of each, they act like constructive interference does in sound waves: they amplify each other. I bet this treatment program is gonna be a huge step forward. c: And you're absolutely right: it's 100% okay that you need help with this. People aren't made to do everything by themselves, especially not things as hard as this. You will have your cake, and eat it too!

Pizza is a great start in the meantime! I've gotta agree with you there, pizza definitely tops salad in my book too. Bunnies everywhere would most likely agree as well, but I'm not sure how many of them have tried pizza. Silly bunnies!