Lost my Mom almost 2 years ago, now. I'm still really raw. My Dad got into a very fast relationship soon after she passed and, fortunately, got out of it as she was a terrible woman.

A friend from Dad's church (in the "baby boomer" age group like my Dad is) who is friends with both of us and whom I greatly trust and love (she and another of her friends are both part of this same ladies' singing group and is also a friend of Dad's and mine, were the ones that helped get Dad out of the toxic relationship.), just now suggested he meets up with one of the ladies in a singing group she's a part of. Now, I've met this lady in question and she's an absolute doll. I've even watched her perform in the group that my friend.

Every time my Dad meets a woman for anything, I'm always thinking, "What's going to happen? Will this turn to marriage?"

Yes, I know I'm jumping the gun, and hugely at that, about marriage right now, as my Dad's never even spoken to this lady before to my knowledge. Although I want my Daddy to be happy, how can I prepare myself for something like this? I can't tell my Dad, of course, who he can and cannot see, and this woman is greatly trusted and loved by my friends. However, how does anyone prepare themselves for seeing their father that they love so much, and still being so raw over the passing of their mother, prepare themselves for a potential relationship between their father and another woman? Yes, I like this lady. I don't know her well at all, but she's of the same beliefs of Dad and me and she seems like a wonderful person, but...all the same...my anxiety's working up and I'm getting all sorts of concern already before they even meet for coffee today. I'm just not ready. How do I ready myself for something like this? I don't want to make my Daddy unhappy, but I'm just not ready to see Dad with someone else (and it's hard to picture myself seeing him with anyone else period), just because he and Mama made just the most perfect couple and they loved each other so very deeply and were together for over 30 years before she passed (I forget the exact number). I don't know if Dad's ready or not, but if he is, I don't want to bring him or anyone else down. My heart is really breaking here.

Help? Please? :/ I'm already trying not to cry ...forget that, I am crying :/

in case anyone here has gone through this.

It's hard to distance yourself sometimes, I understand, but think about it this way; he may be lonely, especially if he lost someone so dear, and this may be what he needs to be a happier person. If he pursues this, it's because he's ready and wanting another connection precisely because he's been alone in that way. Dissolve your ego into his needs; open your heart to his loneliness, and then focus on the joy the relationship could bring him.

if it doesn't, be there for him as well. But it sounds like he's found a better potential partner this time.

I know he may very well be lonely. I wouldn't doubt that. I'm just not healed enough to being able to accept another person in MY life yet, although Dad may be ready for one.

I keep telling Dad that if it's what (and I know that not everyone believes, but Dad and I do) God wants - to put another woman in Dad's life, and she's a lovely person that would be willing to accept with open arms that Dad has a son and a daughter (daughter who has medical conditions, aka me) and is good and loving towards him and his family, then I'd be okay with it. I just know it'd take me a long time to warm up to the situation because of the one that I've lost :/ It's not so much ego as still being very much attached to my Mom and not being able to let her go. I know she's in Heaven, BUT that doesn't make healing any easier. My wound is still very raw. I don't know if I'll ever fully heal from her passing, and I doubt that I will. Mom was one of my best friends (as she was to Dad). Saying good bye was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life (and I know it was the same for Dad and my brother, too).

I just want to be able to do something, try anything, to be able to be emotionally stable enough to accept a potential relationship for Dad. I don't NOT want him to be in another one if that's what God is planning for him. I just want to be able to welcome it, too, willingly, and not forcing myself.

- While I understand that you're hurting and worried I think you should remember that he's an adult and needs to be able to make his own choices. I seems like he's really just looking for companionship in someone that can understand him in a way that you can't. After all he's from and older generation and parents can only bond with their children on so many levels because the generation gap.

And furthermore it's just coffee. Coffee is just coffee. Given the face that he dove into a toxic relationship he's likely to tread very lightly and take things slowly. So you need to sit back and see how things go. Maybe he just wants a friend. Maybe he won't marry again - no one knows what the future is going to bring.

It seems to me that you also need to understand that if your father does remarry that this doesn't wash away the 30+ years he had with your mother nor the love that he had for her. Likely he still loves her very much and will carry her with him for the rest of his life. This other woman - or any other woman - will never replace your mother. She will always be your mother and she will always be his wife. He might not want to be alone and you don't have to call her mom (I'm certain she would understand if you never did). Stuff like this just takes time. Lots and lots of time.

Love doesn't end with death but the living have to continue to live.

I know he has to make his own choices. The fact of the matter is that my brother and I, if Dad ever remarries again, would be, essentially, getting a stepmom, even though we're grown adults. Not easy on that side of things either x_x; Especially for me as Mama and I got even closer when I was caring for her during her last two years of life. I do want Daddy to be happy. I just want to try and find some way to heal partially so that I can more warmly welcome the potential idea if it comes. Especially when she'd be needing to accept and welcome us with all our flaws and medical conditions, too...x_x (the other woman wanted to send me as far away from Daddy as she possibly could once she learned about my medical conditions x_x)

- Stepmoms are not the villains people make them out to be. Sometimes - a vast majority - of the time they're kind and considerate people. I think you really need to let go of this first lady and lumping all the potential women in with her. She is a singular individual and clearly lacking any form of compassion.

Just as it will take you time to adjust to your father having a woman in your life, she'd need a period of adjustment to having stepchildren and understanding your various conditions. In truth it would be better for her to meet and talk to you both before anything got to serious so that she knew what she would be getting into.

I would assume though that if your father does take a serious interest in her that you and your brother would come up in conversation and over time it would be something that was discussed. I'm also certain that your father would choose his children over a woman.

what about ways to heal so that I can more warmly welcome any potential lady in my Dad's life? Yeah, I know I need to let the first go, but never mind her. I'm thinking about ways to heal just enough from Mom's passing to be able to warmly accept another woman in my Dad's life. Because when push comes to shove, I want my Daddy to be happy and honestly it'd be nice to have a female figure again. I just want to be willing wanting to accept her and the way I feel right now in regards to Mama, I'm not ready yet >_< ...and I want to be, at least just enough so that it keeps everyone happy

- Healing isn't something you can rush really. Healing is a slow process. I think the best thing to do is maybe do some kind of symbolic thing for your mom. Something like planting a rose bush or something like that a memorial always helps - something that isn't a grave but bursting with life. Know that your mom would have likely wanted him to move on to find love and happiness again. Also, getting to know this woman might help and seeing how she makes your father happy will make it easier.

I...have no experience with this and I am not adept at emotions, so I have no advice. But you have my sympathy, and a listening ear should you want/need one.

-HUGS-

I know we've had this discussion before, but I'll reiterate what I said before.

Life goes on, it has to. You can't expect your dad to be alone for the rest of his life. Yes it's sad that your mother passed, and I'm sure he mourns her passing in his own way, but he needs to be able to find happiness. As do you. The best way to remember someone is to celebrate the life they had, not mourn the life you lost.

As someone who watched both of their parents remarry, I can honestly say, sometimes its for the better, sometimes you'll have a new person in your life you won't like. But as long as your parent is happy, that's all that should matter. And I mean happy, not pretending to be happy for the sake of everyone around them. I don't particularly care for my dad's wife (I refuse to call her my stepmom), nor was I pleased about the day they chose to get married as it was the same day I graduated high school, and it took away from my day, and my chances at going to any graduation parties. But I don't really talk to my dad anymore anyway, so its a moot point.

My mom however, remarried, and even though they have their fights, she's happy. My stepdad is more of a dad to my siblings and I than my real dad ever was or even is.

So what I'm trying to say is, this isn't about you, you're an adult now, its not like this woman is going to be a "MOM" to you. Right now, she's nothing more than an acquaintance that your dad is having coffee or lunch with. But if it progresses to something more, she is still a companion for your dad, and hopefully a friend for you.

You should want your dad to be happy, you also need to find a way to be happy, you can't be sad forever, its no way to live your life.

This is a hard one to answer. Recovering after such a loss is never easy and will hurt for a long time yet. However I think the best thing you can do right now is take a deep breath and just have faith. When you lost her these friends were there for you and helped your father out of a very dark place. It sounds like they're still helping you when you feel lost and need someone there. Now, maybe this coffee will lead to something more, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll meet a new friend who can help you move forward and that's all it will be. It may not happen at all. But if it does, if it feels like it might, don't worry. It sounds like you're afraid this lady may take your dad away. Your mother and your dad were together for so long and very happy together but if he gets married again, it may feel like that. But it won't happen. Your Dad isn't going to leave you or forget how much he loves your mother. How about getting to know this lady yourself? She's recormended by a close friend and I'm sure she would introduce you. If you think it may get serious get to know her. She has to know you and your Dad and Brother are a team. You come together. Get to know her and see. But I can't see your Dad leaving you or your brother out of this. He may even feel happier to know you like this lady. Especailly after the last lady he was with. Whatever happens you'll still have the love of support of your Dad and your friends. Believe in that and talk to the friend who suggested they meet. I'm sure talking things over and getting to know this new lady will help make things clearer. You'll be okay.

My grandfather remarried several years ago. It was after the death of my grandmother, but I don't think my mother has ever gotten over it. I understand how you feel. This women, however trusted she may be may forever seem like a stranger. My mother found it very hard to accept too, because there were many things that she felt guilty about over the death of my grandmother (she died of lung cancer). She always felt like there could have been more that she should have done for my grandma and that she didn't get to treat my grandma to the life she deserved. At first she was resistant to the idea of someone introducing my grandfather to another lady, but my mom is also a very thoughtful person so she considered many other factors.

She understood that it is very difficult to carry on life without a partner. My grandpa wasn't always in the best of health and he often refused to listen to my mom, so having a peer, would help him live a fuller life. He would have someone by his side and him by her side. They are married now, but my mom doesn't consider her filling a mother's role, and I don't consider her as filling a grandmothers role. My mother doesn't address her as "Mom" and I don't address her as "grandma". I still give her the due respect of a person her age and in her position. I accept in my heart that she is a good person and good companion for my grandpa, but that she will never give the same love to me as my real grandma did.

I think it's good that you've told you're dad you're willing to accept someone new, but you should also let him know that you are still hurting and that you may not be ready. He may not be totally prepared either. But its very important to have an open dialogue with him and let him understand your feelings. Another thing that I found was that if you don't let change happen, you will continue to hurt for a long time. Perhaps, if he has truly found someone worthwhile, it will help heal your heart too.

I wish you the best. You can do it! I'll always be here to talk!

I really can't say much more than anyone else has already said, so I'll just keep this brief. You seem to understand all the reasoning and motivations that might cause your dad to remarry(if it does go in that direction with this lady, or even further in the future), and while you seem to accept it intellectually, I think the issue is more emotional, as one would expect.

I think the main issue here is that you fear or resent the idea that some woman you don't know or might not like could, now or in the future, take the place of your mom in your family. As others have said, however, that won't really happen. Your mom occupies a place in your heart, in your brother's heart, in your dad's heart, that will never really go away or belong to anything else. No one, not this woman, or any hypothetical woman in the future, can overwrite that place.

You already understand that your dad might be lonely, and as I said, I think in your head you don't have a problem if the right lady comes along. You said you want to accept her, but that you don't feel that you are at the right place with your grief yet. As others have said, it will take time, but so will any worthwhile relationship. Your dad is not going to go out to coffee and come back engaged, even if things start moving in that direction. You will also have time to get to know this person, and maybe that will help.

Let me know if you need anything.

My co-worker is actually going through this right now. Marriage may be jumping the gun but this is a genuine and honest issue you will need to be dealing with and it's probably a good idea that you're starting to work on it now. You will likely grieve your mother your entire life, and while the pain one day will probably be only a pinch, it's understandable that it's going to be strange and difficult as the dynamic of your family changes.

Whoever the next person he fills his heart with is, that woman will never replace your mother. She will however fill an emptiness for him that your mother left behind. It's few and far between the people in this world who are cruel enough to say 'if I die, I want you to suffer alone forever'. I imagine that your mother would want the rest of his life to be filled with the warmth he brought her while she lived. Some people worry about if it's disrespectful to the deceased party's memory to take another partner, but I think it's worse when the person lives in suffering their name. It's the worst plaque I think you can put on your emotional wall.

If it works out and he finds another woman it's probably going to hurt like hell the first moment you see them sparkle together. You might get angry. That's okay, that's completely normal.

The advice I can give is to remember that while to you, your father was part of a couple called Mom & Dad, your father was and is 'just him' too, and he needs the support to be a confident 'just him' again. Right now he's regaining his identity, relearning what it means to be him. The best thing you can do for him and yourself is to keep that on your mind, because the biggest challenge will be straddling mourning the loss for what was, but still being supportive for the person who is left, and who needs to move forward. They are connected, but still two separate entities.

You also don't need to jump in and get to know any woman he starts dating right away. If he feels you should meet them, let him be the guide.