Hello, I feel very alone right now, and wanted to just talk about something that is going on in my life. I just finished my first semester in college. I went in aiming high, but it seems I have stumbled very badly. I go to a university, and I commute since it is close enough to where I live. I live with my parents. My father has been an alcoholic for around 10 years, since we have moved here. I have four siblings. My family is very unstable, emotionally, financially. I am the eldest of the five children, so I do as much as I can to help my mother out. When I was 14 years old a freshman in high school, I always had these dark, suicidal thoughts. I wanted to die. I always fantasized about how to do it and harmed myself. I rarely saw a day that I felt worth living. My mother often took her frustration with my father out on me and yelled at me. I didn't know how to take it. My grades went from straight A's to A's, B's, and C's. However, the next year I no longer felt that way and found joy and optimism, and continued through my Sophomore and Junior years with A's. Senior year of high school, I started out with straight A's once again. However, my grandfather passed away. I felt alone, once again, and my grades slipped from my grasp. I could not focus in school very well. My mind felt clouded. I did not dwell on my grandfather's death, but I know that I tried to pretend it never happened. I thought it would be better if I did so. My Pre-Cal teacher noticed my change after the incident and talked to me about it. My grade improved in that class. I graduated from high school in the top 10% and could not feel more relieved.

College came. I felt excited and aimed high! However, I started feeling alone in college. My father's drinking increasingly became worse, and I could not focus in class. For some reason, I feel like I cannot learn no matter how hard I try to pay attention. I write, I understand, but when it comes down to working on my own and during tests, I cannot do it. My thoughts of suicide are returning, and I do not know why. I cannot control how I feel it seems, and my anxiety attacks are becoming more frequent. I know that I might fail this semester, and I feel so alone. I tried to hide the fact that I was not doing well from my family and friends, but I finally told my mother about it because I could not hide it any longer. I told my mother, and she encouraged me to try my best, and maybe change my major from Computer Science to something I would like more. I felt a bit relieved, but now grades are being posted, and I feel so scared. Lost. I feel like I cannot do anything on my own. I was known for being the smartest in my family, and here I am failing...

I do not mean to sound so dramatic, but this is how I feel. Please understand. I do not know what step to take next.

- It's very clear to me you need to get out of that house. It's a terrible environment for you to be in. I say the best way to go about it and not get in a ton of debt is to get a part time job and find a roommate.

If you have a close friend, tell them what is happening. Having some sort of support is extremely helpful. You should also see a counselor if they have one on campus. If not, your school should have resources to help you find a counselor. Or, you can do your own research online.

I know what it's like to live in a toxic environment... I'm in one now. It does make focusing on anything difficult and makes it easy for dark thoughts to pop up.

I wonder if you have any counseling services at your school? And if a close friend is not available writing in a journal helps. Smail me if you need someone to talk to.

; Thank you so much for your advice. ^-^ Right now, I am not really able to leave my house because I would not want that for my siblings, since I want to know that they are doing well and help my mother out. However, I should actually see a counselor about these things, I suppose. I never really thought I would be in this deep. Thank you, again.

; I love writing, and it does help me calm down. :) I will try and do that more, rather than being unproductive and dwelling in these thoughts. Thank you for your offer, I really appreciate it.

Hey! I commute from college too. It's around 45min-1hr. I think the best option, even if it means taking out a loan, would be to live on-campus. You'll be away from your house and hopefully this will help and clear your thinking process a little. Going through difficult times will def clog your brain and leave over a gray-fog over your thoughts. To help clear this, maybe see a therapist on campus. They can be free or range from $10-25. You will have to check this out specifically for your campus. Get involved in student life and try to meet connections from your major. Also, try working out, running, yoga, etc. Pick up old hobbies.

But my major concern is you leaving your situation for the time being. You need to focus on schooling. Questions, concerns, anything - please don't be afraid to ask! <3 hugs

; I was considering living on campus, actually! And I do feel that I should be more involved, I just gotta get over my shyness. ^^; Thank you for your input! <3