not even that long ago i used to fall for people easily and had one relationship after another, which had its own issues of course, but suited me fairly well. but i haven't been able to fall in love anymore ever since my last relationship (which i admit scarred me p bad, considering how my ex made me feel like crap on regular basis and also backstabbed me in this really disgusting way that resulted in me being doxxed on this one site and being threatened / harassed for months). i guess it's normal to be wary of letting people too close after an experience like that, but i believe that for me it goes deeper than being simply cautious.

for example, this one person in my friend group. i considered myself interested in them romantically, we flirted pretty heavily and they even sent me some pictures (you know what i'm talking about lmao). i didn't feel in love with them per se, but they were nice and i thought if i put myself into a romantic situation with them, i'd develop feelings for them. later however it turned out that they had a partner, which they claimed to "forget" to mention. normally, i'd be mad. normally, i'd try to fight for them. normally this would just make my feelings stronger. but instead i just shrugged and laughed it off, feeling almost relieved. and then i went straight back to feeling nothing.

something certainly changed in me and i don't like it. it doesn't help that i was originally a kind of a person that builds many walls: i have a bunch of complicated defensive mechanisms, and apparently those just grew even stronger and more complicated lately.

i feel horrible. i have so much love to give, so much affection and care that ended up being locked inside of me. i almost wish someone would force me into a relationship at this point because i don't know what to do with myself and would rather have someone else deal with it for me, but i guess it's unhealthy. what do i do with myself now? can i go back to how i used to be?

I'm not sure what kind of advice you exactly looking for, but I suspect that the way to be in love with someone, is no guarantee to get a real lasting bond. On the contrary. It can pretty blur the objective observation.

(Personal I don't like amorousness at all, because I never ever trust my observations when I fall in love to someone. I prefer to learn to know someone who he/she really is, without to get a blurred vision).

(Now I'm not talking about amorousness, but about true love). I believe it's better to ask by your self who is your love worth, than to ask by yourself how you appear as best for someone else to be forced into a relationship. You can't always please everybody. So I'll even suggest you to be more picky. Someone must deserve your love first, before he/she get it from you.