Back story: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years.. I am either getting impatient or unhappy. I do love him, and he is very much in love with me. He's 28 and I'm 24 and we still haven't moved in together because of his debt issue which he is paying off. The payment plan it's going to take about 3 more years until he pays off his debt, which was his hobby fault. Unfortunately I do not make enough to get a place on my own, and he has so much money from his pay checks going to his debt he cannot help. I really don't have any friends either to get a roommate to help. Not to mention we live in 2 different states, but only 40 minutes away. However, I work only 5 minutes from his work.. To add on top of that my schedule changes a lot but his work schedule is constant. I love him so much but lately I am getting more angry at him or frustrated when we can't see each other for a week or 2, and I don't like that I am doing that. It's to the point we are almost breaking up because I am starting to feel like it's easier to leave then to wait because of other reasons. I also get frustrated because he's not allowed to eat at home because his mom has some personal issues and he cannot cook, so he spends money every night for dinner Or gets food off the lunch truck, which doesn't help his debt.. He does admit he was an idiot when it came to spending his money for his hobby.

I rarely have weekends off, and tomorrow I actually do. I only work until 2 on Saturdays, he gets off at 4. He couldn't see me because he had to take a car trailer back to his friends because he needed it, and of course he forgot it this morning when he left for work. He calls me after I drive back home from work saying he is going out with his friend and his friend's gf for dinner. And I'm to the point I'm just over it I guess. Because I basically said f*ck it. But then again, something is stopping me from ending it.

I'm usually giving advice for relationships to some of the friends I do have, but in this case, I really do not know what to do.

Have you talked to him about seeing eachother more? After 4 years, there's bound to be doubts as to why you're in this together, and especially with the conditions you're under, but it seems like you still love him very much, and that's not something you should throw away just because things are a little tough right now. It must be so frustrating to feel like you should be in a different place by now :/ It really sounds like you need to sit down and talk to each other about where you see this going in the future - even though you know his payment plan and all that, visualising mutual goals and plans for your life together can help reminding you as to why you're staying with him in the first place.

I can definitely understand where you're coming from with this (at least with what you're telling), but he can't read minds; you need to tell him what bothers you, or he won't have a chance to do better. As an example, if you had told him how much it meant to you to spend this weekend together, he could have thought to come home instead of eating dinner with his friend.

Without knowing the extenuating circumstances, I think it's completely fair that his mother doesn't want to cook for him. He's 28, and should know at least some basic cooking skills by now. Could he perhaps ask his mom to teach him some cooking? If not, maybe learning how to cook could be a fun project for you two to do together :)? If he made really big batches of something cheap (like potato and leek soup) he could pack seperate dinner packages for himself to heat up for several days after so he doesn't have to go out for dinner, and thereby show you that he's taking your future seriously by saving his money.

I really don't know if any of this is helping, but I wish you the best of luck with this :)

I forgot to mention the biggest detail. I cannot go to his house sometimes.His mom has terrible OCD/germaphob. She cleans from 3pm- 2 am and goes to Walmart around 9pm, she does this every night.. She doesn't work either, which is even better. My boyfriend has to shower every time he enters the house. If he does exit the house, he cannot come back in, but his mom will crack open the doors slightly to hand him something if he forgot anything. He can eat cereal though.. But that's it. I know if his mother got help it would help the situation so much. He often is coming to my house and sleeping over, but we cannot sleep in the same bed because my parents are weird about it. But I can sleep in the same bed at his trailer as long as I shower when I enter the house.. But he has a twin mattress and he is a big man and I'm a tiny girl it's just hard to share. Where at my house inhale a queen.

He was never taught the actual value of money. When we first started dating he was old enough and knew the right people he could finally build his drag racing car.. Which put him so deep into debt. He knows he screwed up he is trying to correct his mistakes as well as he can. I just needed someone to understand my messed up situation and thank you for your advice. I know I was pretty vague on some points, but I didn't want to exploit too much detail.

Maybe one of us will hit the lottery or something..

Well that does explain some stuff :) It really does sound like a super tough situation to be in, and you have every right to be frustrated. The most easily fixable thing I can see of the things you mention, would definitely be to talk to your parents about sharing your bed with your boyfriend. Idk in what way they're weird about it, but you're 24 years old now, and have been with your boyfriend for 4 years. They know him and they know you, and hopefully they will trust you enough to give you permission for it - it's at least worth finding out if they'll allow it?

I really hope you'll be able to come up with small solutions that'll make this whole situation easier for you to cope with. I'm sorry I can't be much more help than this x.x

The whole situation sounds tough but I completely understand you having doubts and such. Echoing what Sound said I would talk to your parents about allowing you two to share a bed. 4 years is a hell of a commitment to be a "Wham Bam Thank you Mam" sort of situation. Have your parents met his mother? If I were your parents I would take your boyfriend in because that type of situation is unhealthy to be in. Restrained to cereal eating is bound to lead to malnutrition. If he were to live with you guys, you two can meal prep which will save him money. With both of you struggling in the sense of independence due to looming debts have you two considered saving jointly? While his payment plan will take another 3 years perhaps both of you chipping in will decrease that time. Like split what you guys are saving for x% for a place, x% for debt and x% for a rainy day. Right now Adrian and I have a joint savings in which we direct deposit a set amount from our checks plus whatever we can spare at the end of the month. That sum we used for our tattoos, to get a car and as a cushion for when we are short.

Your advice is extremely helpful, I also needed an ear to chew on as well.

we have discussed a joint account but I'm so afraid that he will dip into it more then he should, and what sucks is that I have zero debt. My parents taught me from the start about saving everything. I can try to talk to them about the whole bedroom thing. I was a very sheltered child growing up and they both were as well. The whole situation is so messed up its almost unbelievable.

I am not saying you bank all your money into that join account. Just a portion you could deal with to call as savings. Plus with joint access you can see where that money is going to. Think of it as like more a lifeline for him? But since you can monitor it you guys can discuss what that money should be used for. Also the cooking suggestion is highly recommended as well to do meal preps. Plus cooking jointly tends to create a stronger bond between the couple.

I do show him some cooking tips. He made chicken parm once lol. I can suggest the money thing again. He was pretty upset when I declined doing a join account, like I offended him/didn't trust him.

One joint savings account is totally different then joint everything. Aside from cooking tips I mean like cooking stuff in advance so he can take it to work to eat. You need to help him cut down the outside food spending.

I'm not going to lie, I think it would be a very bad idea to open a joint account with this person - even if it is just a savings account involving a fraction of your income. He has already shown you time and again that he cannot be trusted to properly manage his finances; so unless you're entirely prepared to never see any money you put into this account ever again, don't do it. He will drag you down with him, if you let him - so don't. Honestly, the fact that you mentioned you're at a point where you feel like you're almost breaking up should be the biggest red flag of all.

He seriously needs to learn how to be an adult and take care of himself - and he isn't going to learn anything if you hold his hand or fix his problems for him. It's his life - he's the one who should be stepping up to get it back on track.

First, he needs to set himself a budget (one he can actually afford), and then he needs to make sure he sticks to it. This is not something you can do for him. I strongly recommend he makes use of Mint.com. It can help him to set a budget, and make him more aware of where his money is actually going each month.

Secondly, he needs to take initiative in his own life and learn how to cook for himself. His mother should not be used as an excuse forever; she either needs to get psychological help and allow him to cook at home, or he needs to remove himself from that situation. In this current state, she is forcing her son choose between either malnutrition (by "eating" at home) or poor lifestyle choices (by always eating out; which is not only unhealthy, but not financially sustainable for him). This, unquestionably, needs to change - one way or another.

And, lastly, having an expensive hobby is all well and good IF you can afford it. He, evidently, can't. Until he comes to terms with this, this will be a constant issue (I can't tell from your posts if this is an ongoing problem, or a past one).

As for you? If you want to move out, find a way to move out. I know you say you aren't close enough to others to get a roommate that way, but I don't think that should stop you from trying. Go online and look to see if anyone has a room to rent that's within your budget. Yeah, living with strangers can be a little weird at first, but if you really want to take that step and live on your own, there are ways to do it without needing to rely on other people to get the ball rolling. I honestly believe this would be a good step for you to build your independence, and I'd hate to think you were holding back because of your boyfriend.

I don't want to tell you one way or another what you should do in regards to your relationship - that's a decision only you can make for yourself. But I will say that you need to put yourself and your needs first, regardless of what unfolds.

(I sincerely hope I didn't come off too harshly, and I apologize if I did.)

I completely agree with what you said. He needs to put on his big boy pants and be a freakin man. And to be honest any time he brings up something his mom says, which she often exaggerates, I tell him not even to waste his breath. His mom is so nice, but she does need some serious help and he knows it as well.

I guess I'm shy when it comes to roommates and people. I don't even know how to go about looking for one to be honest. Do I go on Craig's list or something? lol

I can understand being a little nervous about throwing yourself out there. Some of the people you'll find are looking for a roommate(s) who have the potential to become friends, others are looking for a strictly business kind of deal (you pay your rent on time, and don't get in each other's way) - or you may even come across a setup that's similar to what my first place was like. It was a house that had been converted into apartments; I rented just the one room, but it had its own lock and key, as well as its own kitchen setup (kinda like a bachelor apartment, but smaller). I had to share a bathroom, but I never once crossed paths with the neighbour I shared it with in the entire year I lived there.

Craigslist could work, though I've heard of some sketchy things come from it. I'm not American, so I'll be honest, I'm not exactly sure what resources are available/reliable for you guys. Here we have a site called Kijiji (it's like Craigslist in concept, but tends to be more reputable); I tried to look up if there's an American version, but I think it might go by a different name? In any case, try and see if you can find any classified websites like those.

So see what you can find (open tabs for anything that's in your price range and in a neighbourhood you wouldn't mind considering), then when you think you've exhausted all that's available, mass-reply to all of them. You likely won't hear back from everyone, but of those you do, be sure to go and see as many as you can before making a commitment to anything. Weigh your options, and see which people and which place will be the best fit for you. And, if you can't find anything that fits your budget, it still doesn't hurt to look around at what's available online and learn what you can expect to spend on rent; it'll give you a better idea of what to prepare for in the future. You may even want to start with looking just for research purposes, without the intention to rent anything; it can feel a lot less stressful/overwhelming that way, and it'll get you warmed up to the idea once you are ready to consider looking seriously.

And, if you find you're starting to feel overwhelmed, step back. You have time - you don't need to find a place today, tomorrow, or even next month. You aren't being evicted or kicked out, so don't rush yourself - just go at your own pace.

There are sites roommates.com or roomster.com, I have never personally used them but my cousin did and she found a great apartment share with people who eventually became like her best friends. Craigslist is ok depending on the area. I am not sure where you live so I have no idea if it is more reputable or not for that area. You yourself could put up like an ad and just say hey looking for a roommate willing to put up X amount of money. Seeking to live in so and so area. 1 year commitment and then like list things about yourself and things you can't stand. Write how you would have to get to know them a little first prior to actually going apartment shopping .etc .etc