My husband and I are in a unique situation. For the past year or so I've been the primary breadwinner and he's been the homemaker and this works well for us. I recently decided to go back to school and due to the fact that my parents live very (less than 5 minutes away) from the school I'm attending we decided to move in with them. We do not pay rent but we buy groceries for everyone, help around the house, and help care for my elderly grandparents who also live there. (it's a huge house!) I only have a year of school left and we will likely live here during that time out of convenience for us and for them.

On to the issue. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for about a year now, with no luck. It's been very hard emotionally, wondering if it will ever happen. The doctors won't refer us to see a fertility specialist until we've been trying a full year and we're not quite there yet, so I'm kind of left in the dark as to if it's one of us or if it's bad luck. I'm already a little low each month when it doesn't happen, but now I'm adding on to that the fact that people don't even think we should be trying. I've basically been bullied out of TTC groups/forums due to the fact that:

We live with my parents - I counter that we do this for both of our convenience and could afford to live on our own, but.. why? My husband doesn't have a job - He's looking for one, but it's hard to find one when you've been a homemaker for years, and will likely be at least partially a stay at home dad. Also if the situation was reversed and HE was in school that would apparently be ok?! I'm in school - I have a year left. I'm not young, in my 30s, and I do not have the advantage of waiting especially when there is a possibility of fertility problems.

My two best friends are in weird places and not the best to talk to about it (I won't go into their situations here, as those are personal to them) My parents are fine with us TTC but my mom is the "just keep your spirits up!" type. So... I talk to my husband about it and that's it. And it's really lonely. Maybe people here will think the same as other places but I just needed to get this all out.

I've always said that if you wait for everything to be absolutely perfect, you'll end up waiting forever. I don't doubt that you and your husband would decide to bring a life into this world if you didn't feel you were capable of supporting it to the best of your abilities. Try and not let other people's judgements of your situation get you down - especially extremely sexist ones like that (I mean, double standards, much?). They'll only serve to make you feel worse, and you don't need that.

As for your potential fertility issues, I've done a fair bit of research on the subject, and statistically, each month a healthy, fertile couple only has a 20% chance of conceiving. Now, that being said, another statistic says that up to 85% of couples will conceive within their first year of trying, which is why it's recommended to see a fertility specialist if you've been trying for a year+ with no luck. Not necessarily because something is wrong, but because something could be wrong; and, if there is, you don't want to waste any time in finding out exactly what that is.

Although, I imagine if you spent any amount of time in a TTC forum, you probably knew all that already. =P

For what it's worth, I understand what you're going through - and all the emotions that come with it. My husband and I tried for two years before my family doctor finally agreed to send me to a fertility specialist; and not long after I got there I was finally diagnosed with PCOS. Had I listened to all the useless "Just relax and it'll happen" bullshit "advice" I'd been given by family/friends, I'd have been wasting my time waiting for a miracle that might never have happened. So no, I wouldn't dream of telling you to sit back and wait for a miracle; if there is something holding you two back, knowing about it means you can finally take those first steps towards either fixing it, or working around it.

(I actually made a post myself a few months back where I go into more detail about my own situation; click if you're interested.)

Now, I can understand feeling emotionally torn between being happy for someone, and being envious of their success, so I almost hesitate to write this, but... After our second round of Clomid, we were finally successful. I'm now 16 weeks along, and they've been telling us nothing but good news since the start, so we're cautiously optimistic. I tell you this only because I hope it helps you to feel a little more optimistic for your own future. Just because it hasn't been the easiest path, doesn't mean it's completely hopeless. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to panic too much until you have as much information as you and your husband can gather.

This can be an extremely isolating and lonely experience, but it shouldn't have to be. Please know that if you ever want a shoulder, or just someone to vent to, I'll always be here. You aren't alone. <3

First off, I am sorry to hear of your troubles.

Things will turn out the way they must; to believe otherwise is to give up hope. Believe me, we all have our own demons, and if I was not ready to keep forging ahead then I would be devoid of anything worth living for. I'm not trying to sound religious/preachy - I honestly am not particularly religious, so I am not trying to talk at you; it has more to do with the reinforcement of positivity because negativity may seem to work (like setting yourself up for disappointment just to reduce the blow if/when it does come, etc.), but as a person who has spent most of her life being a realist bordering on pessimism, trust me, it actually works against you. Your mom is right to tell you to be positive, even if you think she is saying it without thinking. At the end of the day, she is a mother (as I hope you will be!), so she understands more than you know.

Now, I cannot speak to any of your troubles personally, but from my own experiences dealing with hard times, I can still tell you that someone is always on your side, even when you cannot see it (or just cannot recognize it all the time). I know my mother had troubles when she was initially trying to get pregnant, and just when she was about to give up she became pregnant with my sister. She rarely talks about that period of her life with me or anyone, really, but when she does I can hear it in her voice how difficult the process was for her.

My sister still lives with my mother, who also does not pay rent, and all I am going to say about that is that if it is not a problem with your parents that that is all that matters and all that should matter. I know it sucks when you try to talk to people about your situation, and they are not, sometimes through no fault of their own, hearing you. At the end of the day, only you can know what is best for you, and no one should ever tell you how to live your life. Never feel guilty about that. Trust me, I have had people tell me that they cannot understand/keep up with the way I live my life (too organized, uptight, etc. in my case - but that works for me), but at the end of the day, even if it is said out of concern, no one has the right to tell you what you should or should not do. Take everyone's opinions with a grain of salt.

The blessing here is that just because it has not happened yet does not mean it never will, even though you think you are running out of time. I am not going to quote facts to you as I am sure you have heard/researched it all. I just want you to know that I am here if you ever need to talk.

I know what it feels like to be alone throughout a process even though you have people around you. In the past, and really now still, I have been a "suffer in silence" type because I did not want to burden others, but that really, really destroys you instead, so without knowing what your friends' situations are, I still suggest reaching out to them. People cannot read your mind, and for all you know they are waiting for you to say something. Besides, that is what friends are there for: to lean on. Who knows? You and your friends may be able to help each other in your own personal battles rather than avoiding the topics that are bothering you altogether.

Either way, best of luck. <3