I just lost my grandmother earlier today. I hadn't spoken to her in a week because she was in the hospital's palliative care unit, where she struggled to breathe and stay conscious, while I was away at school, though I got say goodbye so I guess there's that.

How am I supposed to go back to school? Granted I have a week thanks to November break, but after that? How am I supposed to focus in class, to get motivated to do my work? I've cried so much my head felt like it was going to explode, and none of my friends are responding to me. The high school ones are too busy to come to the funeral (they don't have Thanksgiving in November, since they're Canadian), even though they're in the same city. All I'm getting is platitudes left and right and they know those don't work because they know I hate platitudes.

My grandfather keeps telling me not to cry, all while tearing up himself. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I ought to move forward but I can't, and part of me doesn't want to because I don't want to leave her behind. She was (and still is) my favourite person in the entire world.

.glaze I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother. I lost my grandfather two summers ago in a situation similar to yours - I was out-of-state when he passed away, but I (and all his grandchildren) had gotten to say my goodbyes to him a few weeks before. Don't feel guilty about not being there at her bedside. I did, but really there is nothing you could have done. You would have had to put your life on hold, but things like this cannot be scheduled and truly I am sure that she understood that some things Like that can't be helped. She knew she was loved.

My dad died 6 years ago this September and I cried about him today in the grocery store parking lot. Don't ever listen to someone when they tell you not to cry. Don't bottle those feelings up. I did for years after my dad and have serious emotional baggage because of undealt emotions. Mourning differs from person to person, whether you know it's coming or whether it's sudden. You do what you are comfortable doing: bawl your eyes out surrounded by your family or quietly in your bedroom. Watch family videos of her, look at photos on your phone, listen to her favorite song, or avoid those things for a while until you can gather up your courage and be able to process them.

When my dad died I was a senior in high school. I took a week off, got through the funeral, and returned to school. High school isn't the same as college, but one thing I will say: DO NOT quit school. It's true that it's different from person to person but do not put your life on hold because you're scared, or if you think you can't honor your loved one unless you take a break from everything. Having something to focus on helps a LOT when the only thing you want to do is stay in bed. It might be hard at first (I had lots of trouble in one class because the teacher was not accommodating or understanding, while my other teachers were a little more sensitive), but having goals each day you need to meet helps.

Talk to everyone who will listen. Cry whenever you feel like it. Push yourself, but not too hard. Don't talk about it if you don't want to. Find things that will make you laugh. Just because they're gone doesn't mean you are. The ache in your soul will never go away but you will learn to cope with it. Believe whatever makes you feel better.

I hope anything I said helps. You're still very, very early in your grieving process, so don't force anything, just remember to go at your own pace and do what you're comfortable with. I had family hoarding around me and that did NOT help me process my grief, so make sure you find time for yourself if that's what you feel you need.

It will take a lot of time to move on and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. My grandmother died several years ago and it was heartbreaking because she and my grandfather were the ones who raised me when my parents were overseas. She died on the opposite side of the world and I felt like I didn't get to spend enough time with her, tell her how much I loved her, I didn't get to go to her funeral. But for me, because I was young I recovered faster.

It was very different for my mother though. She had to fly to China, be with her in her last moments, arrange the funeral etc. When she came back, she was not the same, she was depressed for months. It was like she was just going the the motions of life, she went to work, came home, cooked for us, ate, slept. etc. but she would stay up late at night just mindlessly watching television. She told later on that losing my grandmother was just so hard for her because she felt like she didn't do enough as a daughter to help her mother.

But how did she get over it? She still thinks about her all the time, but what she told me was that she had to look at her life through an objective point of view. My mother wasn't really living and doing something meaningful if she just did everything mindlessly. One of the things my mother did that really helped her was to exercise almost every day. At first exercising is can be difficult but it released hormones like dopamine which can improve your mood and focus.

She also remembered her goals. She told me that she thought about the people she still had with her like me, my grandfather, my dad etc. She focused on what she could do to make the rest of better. Perhaps you should think about what your goals are and how you can move forward towards those goals. This isn't moving on, its moving forward. You will always think about your grandmother, but as time passes you will also think about how she would encourage you to due your best.

There are a lot of times when I loose myself that I think about how my grandmother would speak to me or what my mother would say to me.

Everyone's grieving process is different. I hope you will be able to find something that will soothe you. Take time to grieve for her, but also take time to care for yourself. Love yourself as much as your grandmother loved you. I wish you well!

[.glaze]

I am sorry to hear about your grandmother.

Take each day as it comes is the best advice I can give you. My father passed away almost 9 years ago now, and let me tell you, in some ways it still feels like it was yesterday. The thing about grief is that it never truly leaves, just lessens over time.

I suffer from depression stemming from that event, among other reasons, so maybe I am not the best example, but just know that everyone grieves differently, so no one should ever tell you when to stop grieving or how. Anyone who tells you that you need to move on, get over it, etc. is either fooling themselves (which is one way to grieve, albeit probably an unhealthy one) or has never experienced the loss of someone close enough to them to truly understand why you can't move on or you don't want to.

I was twelve when my father died, and I still struggle with the fact that I feel like I don't have all that many memories of him, and so any memory, even the bad ones, I don't necessarily want to let go of. My father had cancer, and the last few months of his life were spent suffering in the hospital; like your grandmother, toward the end he could not talk either (had to put a tube in his throat to help him breathe), and that was a huge blow to my family and my father. In the end, I know that he left us because it was better for him. He is no longer suffering, and in a way, neither am I. It is exhausting, to say the least, to watch someone you love dearly suffer.

I know your grandfather is trying to help (and honestly, when he says not to cry he is probably talking more to himself than you), but do not take his advice. If you bottle it up, as I do/did, you will suffer more in the long run. So many things in my life have turned sour because of how I have handled/continue to handle my father's death and the issues attached to and/or exacerbated by that situation.

As to your schoolwork, you owe it to your grandmother and your grandfather to keep going. As much as it sucks, living and dying are a part of life, and so we cannot just stop living just because our loved ones leave us; I know that in my heart my father is with me every day - I suggest keeping something of your grandmother's with you to remind you that her love has meant the world to you (I wear my father's ring, for example). Do not waste the love and care your grandmother has shown you - share it with yourself and the world instead.

I totally understand about your friend situation. On one hand, I did not have a lot of friends, and still don't really, so I felt alone throughout the process and after he died. On the other, I realized that I did not want to have most people console me since it was always the same words, or in friends' cases, I knew they did not truly understand what I was going through. Even to this day I hesitate to let anyone in because a lot of bad stuff, other than my dad's death (though that is the big one), has happened to me, and I feel like if I talk to anyone that they either will not know what to say/how to handle me, or I will just kill the conversation by letting it all out.

That being said, it will only hurt you in the end if you decide not to confide in others. If you do let it out, and your friends are unhelpful, don't care, etc., then you may not have the right friends, and trying situations are the best (in a decidedly morbid way, albeit) to figure this out, so in the long run these facts can only help you.

As you can see, I have become quite the expert in grief, so I could ramble on and on with advice, but it is exhausting to write and probably exhausting to read as well, haha. I will just say that know that someone is here for you if you need a shoulder or an ear.

Also, if you need an unbiased ear, I very briefly attended a grief group, which I found really opened my eyes, so you may want to consider that if you continue to have a hard time.

All the best. <3