I hate being scared all the time. Even thinking about going outside my house scares me. I get panic attacks when shopping, or thinking about it, or going to physical therapy. Even regular therapy scares me, sitting in the waiting room and people everywhere. I don't want them to look at me or acknowledge me in any way. I'm unemployed right now and I'm scared to apply for a job, even online. I think I have to get disability or something. Fuck, I'm even scared posting this thing.

And then I get so fucking depressed because I feel like I'm a failure. I'm fat, I'm 25 and still live with my parents, unemployed, unable to go to graduate school, and cannot fathom a romantic or physical relationship at this point. I have one friend who is not a relative; the contacts on my phone are for doctors and pharmacies.

I was sexually assaulted when I was ~11 and I can't look anyone in the eyes or face if I tell them that. I can't talk about it out loud because it makes it real. My brother was also sexually assaulted by the same person, supposedly his friend, and when that came to light my mom asked me if he did anything to me and I lied, and he got off with a restraining order and I wonder if I told the truth would my brother not be a criminal, or sad, or lie anymore? I feel like it's my fault he's this way and I have nightmares about it constantly. I wake up screaming sometimes.

And I'm stilling living with my mother, the person who physically and psychologically abused me, and my father, who let it fucking happen. She would tell me I was fat and that no one loved me and I would never get a husband or boyfriend because I was ugly and no one liked fat girls. She would hit me with her hands and hangers in the dressing room at a clothing store if something didn't fit, and I wondered why the fuck no one even asked if I was okay, when I fucking KNOW they heard me crying, heard her hit me, and that's one of the reasons I have panic disorder with agoraphobia.

Once I was 13 and we were driving to the grocery store and I was looking out the window and she called my name. I turned to her and she just slapped me because she thought I was giving her a look. She would yell at my brother and then if she saw me she would yell at me, too, and start throwing furniture around and hitting us. She used a plastic spoon to hit me, or the belt. Her eyes always fucking scared me and she doesn't think she physically abused me at all, she won't validate it and I've accepted that but it still hurts.

So, yeah. I hate life right now, and I'm not suicidal right now or anything, or really even thinking about hurting myself (I used to, down the river). I'm afraid to keep a journal, even an online one, because when I was 14 I learned she had been reading my journals. At 12 I told her and my dad I was depressed and they just laughed. It wasn't until they saw the blood in my journal that they sent me to a therapist. They didn't believe me, instead of fucking asking me that bitch just helped herself.

I just needed to get that all out there. I'm sorry that it's a lot. If anyone has similar anxiety/depression, how have you handled it? How have you gotten yourself out of it, or at least learned to cope?

If my childhood/teenage years were two songs, it would be Marche Slave and Valse Sentimentale by Tchaikovsky.

It seems to me like you are hurting and you wish to improve your condition and to get better and it's a very good start.

I've had a similar route too. I'm 22, fat and I suffer from light ptsd and a borderline personality disorder. My social circle is also rather small, but I do not feel discomfort about it nor do I seek a relationship. My father used to beat me up til I was 16 and my mom stopped somewhere around 13 I think. She also doesn't feel entitled to what she did to me. But I'm not here to talk about me.

I feel like you seriously want to get better and that's why I'll try to help you out. About your anxiety, has anyone showed you how to realize that you are suffering an episode and to try to understand what is triggering it? It can be done with voicing your emotions, pointing or naming your fear or even using a 1-10 scale. That's how I started when I was afraid to take the city bus.

Do you have any ressourced around you (in your city) to get therapy or see a social worker? It's okay to fill for disability; however not working/going to school/ live a "normal" life may not be the solution to inch towards a partial recovery. I'd suggest you to write down what you think is wrong and what you wish to improve.

It will be a work on you, but it's really worth it c: I've come to realize that blaming my parents or my childhood will never bring back what I've lost. I decided to work on me and to become stronger. It has been 3 years now and I feel much more confident.

I do. I am seeing a therapist right now, and I'm on medication. I just feel like I'm stuck; I'm not independent at all and I hate it. I do know when I'm having a panic attack because I feel like I can't breathe and my heart races and all the other signs, too. It's not comfortable, feeling like I can't breathe, even though I am and can.

My triggers are thinking about being outside my room sometimes, but mostly just out of the house. Or sometimes I just feel like there are too many people around me and I'll start to panic because I don't think I'd be able to get help or get out of there. Or thinking about the future and my place in it.

Sometimes I feel better. A year ago I was off my meds and didn't have so many panic attacks, and then early this year they started up again, and I went back on the meds. I want my emotions to be my emotions, and I don't want to fear stepping foot outside. I want to be healthy, too, physically and emotionally. I want a job. I want to finish my master's degree. I also want to publish this fiction story I'm writing, not using my real name, of course.

Some things are easier than others. I know my writing is good and I can publish it through Amazon; I just need to finish writing it. I need to eat healthy and exercise more. I can try for disability, though whether or not I'll get it is another story.

Basically, I'm scared, and sad, and I'm... trying to get better. I want to get better.

First off, I'm very sorry that all that has happened to you :( toxic and abusive relationships, especially with parents, make it extremely difficult to heal since you're constantly going back to that same bad environment. Good on you to be on therapy/medication. Taking steps to heal is super important. I've found group therapy extremely helpful myself. It was really good since it was a small group of 6 and the ages ranged from 21-50+. In a way it's sort of reassuring to know that no one really knows what they're doing in life.

I think the most important aspect to recognize is that there is no set path to life and that some of the most successful people right now were also in the dumps and generally only reach major success around their mid-30s. I won't say the entire "don't feel like a failure because you aren't" crap because I felt that way too a lot of the time (I've been recovering from a 2 year major depressive episode myself). But the important thing to realize is that just because you feel this way now, does not mean you will feel this way a few months from now or years from now. Focus on setting small accomplish-able goals and reach them. Things like "I will go to the grocery store today", "I will eat something", and "I will take a shower" were monumental successes for me when I was sleeping like... 21 hours a day. And they gradually became "I will spend 30 mins working on my resume and take a 30 min break" to "I will complete my resume tonight and apply to 5 jobs." Be sure to make it focused on slow gentle process. Don't beat yourself up for not accomplishing things and be sure to write your accomplishments down. When you feel productive and doing things, I can promise you'll feel a little better :) Especially for things like agoraphobia, slow steady progress is probably best. Start putting yourself is medium anxiety situations with easy ways out. Bring things you know that calm you. Take your time but keep at it and I promise it does get better.

Set an overarching goal of what kind of person you want to be and make solid steps towards it. What do you want other people to associate with your name? How can you accomplish that? I've been chubby all my life and finally started running once a week. I started with just 5 mins. Then 10. Now I'm at 25 mins a few months later and I've tacked on free weights. Honestly it's all about planning, being firm with yourself and sticking to those schedules, and not beating yourself up over things that you didn't do. As a note, I will say that after two years depressed, I lasted 6 months before a relapse. Because I was more familiar with myself and my own warning signs, I immediately signed back up for therapy and tried to use other methods I know work. And low and behold, after being a mopey blob for a month, I'm back up and running--albeit a little more wobbly than before. In a way I celebrate relapse because that's what progress is. It's never a straight line up.

You've got a lot of interests and goals and that's really great! I'm sure you already know CBT and etc but I always encourage you to research more (Feeling Good by David D Burns is a book I love) and take the next steps. You have the want to get better. You can develop the drive and determination :) Take the time to learn yourself and how to create a whole new you.

Feel free to message me if you want to chat or have any questions :)

my problems aren't as severe as yours but I do have dysthymia, I've had it my whole life. The only thing that helped was medication and therapy (which I noticed in your reply you mentioned you were doing that). Do you find your therapist helpful? If you don't feel as if you're making progress with your current one you could try to find a new one.

I think eventually you'll need to start making life changes which will be terrifying (one for me that I found super terrifying was literally just saying hello to people), and your therapist should be able to help you identify which things you want to work on, how you should approach them, and to help you work out any issues if you're not able to do them. When my therapist and I decided that I needed to start saying hello to people, I couldn't do it. I got so upset, and I felt like a failure, so I stopped going to therapy because I didn't want to admit to my therapist that I had failed. Eventually with some help, I managed to get myself to go back and he helped me work out why I couldn't do it, and think of ways to make it more manageable. It still took me a while, but one day I managed to say hello to a lady I was passing in the hall and it was seriously the weirdest feeling experience I ever had when she said hello back. I went in my apartment and cried half out of happiness and half just because it was so ridiculous that that tiny thing made me feel so different.

Anyway, point is. You can work on things, and it will be hard, but I'm sure you can make progress. :) (As a somewhat random side note, I still don't say hello to people, but the idea of it doesn't scare me as much as it used to)

Edit: I forgot about the therapist filter haha but anyway, I'd be happy to talk if you ever want to. :)

Thank you both for helping. I've seen a psychiatrist (I was on 3 mg of lorazepam a day because I had so many panic attacks), CBT, and psychotherapy (Adlerian). I don't really know if my current counselor practices any set type, but he's closer to Adlerian or talk therapy than CBT really. The CBT person I saw, well, we didn't really talk about anything except things to change. It kind really effing depressing after a while.

Group therapy sounds nice, even though I'd probably have a panic attack driving there, stepping foot there, and after, lol. I live in Vermont and there aren't that many support groups around where I live, though I could look into an online community.

My current counselor really understands me and helps me. Even if it's terrifying to just go in the building, I know it'll help in the long run.

But making small, short goals sounds like a good idea. It's a little daunting to think of exactly how much I need to change, or want to, but I can work on it.

I'm feeling a little more optimistic (and I suppose validated) today. Sometimes I just really need to hear that I'm not alone, because I do feel it often. My parents don't understand, they didn't even understand my panic attacks until I started panicking right in front of them. They are a little more supportive now and a little more understanding, but sometimes they put so much pressure on me to change and make me feel like crap, especially my mother.

So, thank you guys again. I'm so thankful you replied to me and told me about yourselves and your struggles. It takes courage to tell others those things sometimes. ❤️

I'm glad I could help if even just a little. :) I felt the same way, it wasn't until I met my boyfriend and he told me about his anxiety issues that I felt I wasn't so alone with my problems. He's really open about his anxiety and I decided I'd like to try and be like that. He says it's surprising how many people you find who actually do understand and have gone through similar things but haven't really talked about it, so I like to try and be open and maybe help someone feel a little less alone.

I know different therapy works for different people but my therapist uses CBT. First we started with working out how to recognize my triggers and my thoughts and feelings surrounding my depression. Then he helped me decide what I wanted to focus on changing, and I think that's why it worked for me. It was about what I wanted to change, not what I thought other people would want me to change or something like that. Then from there he mostly just provided a different perspective. Like when something happened and I would think what people did meant they thought I was worthless or something, he'd be like well...that's possible but it's also possible they meant x which isn't so bad. I wouldn't always agree with his perspective but just hearing that there were other ways to interpret things eventually made it easier to look at the world from a less depression filled view. Haha

I've never actually heard of Adlerian, but it's really good that you feel like your counselor understands you. I know that's one of the biggest problems people have with therapy. I'm sure with their support you will to make progress. :)

:) glad to help!

Each person reacts better to certain therapy than others but I've personally found CBT to be my favorite. It revolves around 3 points in a triangle: Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors that affect our mood. So the idea is that if you have a roadblock in one, you can tackle it from two other angles. Behavior therapy is all about exercises and working on things. Thought therapy is all about thought challenging all your negative thoughts. And feeling therapy is about learning more about yourself and analyzing how you feel and how you can push beyond what you feel to make good decisions. But yeah haha, I totally get that the changes thing can be a lot and extremely overwhelming. It's like looking at the end of a race you have to run and being terrified to even start. But one foot in front of the other and eventually look up and you'll be much farther than you thought you were!

Group therapy programs are pretty pricey but if you have insurance they'll help. I was in a partial hospitalization program (8 hours a day for two weeks). Pretty intense and emotional but really eye opening. And after the initial fears, it's actually really a nice family kind of setting because everyone really understands what you're going through and bonding face to face is good too. I used to be part of psychcentral's forums. They're really helpful and it's a great community but be mindful that they don't hamper your progress after a while. Which is a bit counterintuitive because they do help, but going to forums that are constantly depressed can trigger a relapse.

I'm glad your therapist gets you! It's definitely important to have someone you're comfortable with. I reached a point that I think a lot of people go in their journey where they eventually just get so sick of talking about their problems. They share and share and the pain still feels raw but they get tired of talking and progress seems nonexistant but to be honest that's where my growing started. (Keep and mind this is after an extremely long time of therapy and researching) But it certainly didn't feel like it until I actually hit a breakthrough (got a job). As long as you are here and as long as you are trying, you are moving forward!

Small and tangible goals are so very important. Focus on one thing and aim to improve it before tackling more topics. When I first got my job I legit did nothing but eat, sleep, work, and therapy until I was more settled (like... 4 months of dedicated work focus). Which was good because I could hardly work more than 2 hours without getting tired at the beginning. Eventually I got through the whole day just fine :) Then I added fitness. And etc.

You definitely aren't alone and thank you for reaching out! It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there first :) parents are kind of one of those things that you can't change too much so in the end you have to change yourself to become stronger (I totally get it haha. I've got an Asian tiger mom. Pressure is a constant).

Best of luck! My inbox is always open :)

CBT therapy is helpful, yes, and I know how it works (I've got a degree in psychology and was in the middle of a master's program for counseling, the irony) but the therapist that I saw, well, she seemed disinterested. She was on her computer, didn't look at me, picked at her nails... you get the idea. It didn't feel like she was listening, and the things she wanted me to do were too much, too fast. So while CBT is a usual fall-back and one that insurance companies love (seeing as how it requires less sessions), that particular therapist wasn't for me.

Also, I have gotten sick of talking about my issues, or explaining myself to a new therapist. It feels like it's over and done with, but I know it's not. I just want things to be better, but I have to work hard to make that happen.

It really does help to see things from another person's perspective, or just to generally see things in a new light. I think that's what therapy is all about, really; understanding yourself, accepting yourself, and bettering yourself.

Ahhh sorry to give you the explanation then omg haha. I never know where someone is coming from so I end up trying to be more thorough than may be good. And ugh doesn't irony just suck? Also wow that sounds like an awFUL psychologist D:

Best of luck! I know it's super hard but I'm sure you'll get better :)