Hi, first of all an apology for being away and ignoring my responsibilities with some users of this site. This is not an excuse, I should've finished what I started way long ago. But it's a sort of explanation for my absence. There's no need to read it all, is long! So I'll just say I'm very sorry and this is something I needed to write.

I'm going to ping my group ( ) but again you don't have to read this, just know that I'm terrible sorry for any unfinished drawing or un-replied 'pass', I'll try to make amends but I'm not fully back into my art shop, not yet. Once more what comes next is just for my own peace of my, do not read it if you don't want to, it's very very ok.

I also want to apologize if I don't always make sense in what I'm about to tell you, I'm terrible with words… in any language but i'll try to be clear-ish.

I'm not too eager to write this, in fact I don't want to, but people say is better to express, speak out or whatever, so I'll share it with you.

Yesterday was a bad day, the 8th will forever be bad, even if the weather is perfect, even if I'm having a good time with people I care about, there will always be the remainder, and I hate reminders.

Four months ago I was living in another country, had already two years and a month in that place, I lived with my younger and only sister, and used to talk via Skype with my parents every night. But that night, it was getting late, and I had yet not received any call or text, and I was getting really anxious. She eventually texted, she told me my dad was sick, that they went to the hospital, I was scared but not that much, it had happened before, some asthma issues that got worst with the cold weather, which is actually not so cold but yet a rare thing in my home town. I told her to kept me inform about him, she told me he was moved to another hospital until they could control the problem. I didn't slept much that night waiting for some news, actually I felt sleep the next morning, just for a couple of hours, since a call from my aunt woke me up, she was letting me know that my dad was very sick, and that we would fly that night (back to my country, this is important because I wasn't exactly 'legal' in this other place). She told me that I should check my e-mail to print the airplane tickets, that we should give notice to my sister's school and to the landlady of the house where we lived, and to ask if I had to pay a penalization or whatever I needed to do to leave the country. She hung up, my sister started ti cry, we were both really confused, so I hugged her and told her to calm and pack, and after that it was a race, everything we did was in such a hurry, she called a friend of hers asking if she could take care of our pet rats. From the beginning I was told I wouldn't go back because of my migratory situation, so I left a goodbye message in my fiends phones, another friend (one that lived in the same house as us) went with us to do all that we had to do: get money from the ATM, go the immigration offices, finish our suitcases and tried to ease us as much as she could.

We had the whole day to arrange our departure, which, did take a lot, but we still had plenty of time to worry, get anxious, and to communicate with our family, but my mom was very silent, I was very mad about it, I knew nothing but the fact that it was a very serious thing if it had came to the point in which we were being 'fetched', I was really scared for my dad, but also very sad that I had to leave forever. The friends I called stopped their day to go and comfort us, which I will be forever grateful, but there was no quiet time for my mind. I didn't know what to think, or better put, a rush of thoughts went try my mind, and I just kept trying to avoid thinking the worst; impossible. The hour to go to the airport finally came, and all the information I had was that my dad's heart was delicate and that they were waiting for him to react to the medication; also that I had to ask and pay for a permit to leave the country and that in case they wouldn't let me come back I would be inform in the airport. I ask for the permit, explained my situation, paid for the thing but all I got was a piece of paper, and later an stamp on my passport, and once in my country another stamp. But the the time between stamps was a nightmare, the rush of ideas, the hopes and fears, the worst way of trying to comfort my sister and texting to my friends what I've done in customs while texting to my mom to kept me inform; I'm not even sure how to describe how bad it was.

When we arrived to 'home land' we had to catch another pane to 'home town' and that was another kind of race. So in the short hour from the capital to our city I was a bit calmer and longing to see just my cousins or aunts in the airport, because I knew that if my mom was there, then the worst thing that could ever happen, happened. And when I finally saw her there, running with tears in her eyes towards us, my world completely crumbled, and for a moment my life ended too. I don't quite remember what I said to her I just remember my sister screaming and crying, asking her what had happen, and my mom crying and hugging us and… well I don't remember her words, just my sister's. One of my aunts was there, her daughter, three or four of my old friends and the awful airport being repaired. I didn't know what to say or do or think, I was expecting to be driven to a hospital, not to a funeral, at some point I know I was crying without being able to stop, and trying to ask my mom how my grandmother was (my mom's dad). Some stupid question, right? I do remember trying to hold my sister's hand at every possible time, though I did it less than I wanted to, she was in shock and there was so much people around us. I also remember walking in the crowd towards the coffin, and thinking "I really don't want to see him", I didn't want it to be real, till this day I have that picture in my head, my feet moving then my dad lying in his favorite yellow shirt, one I painted a smiley face on and gave him as an requested present, a black formal jacket and a pair of caps one he bought in when he and my mom went to visit us and one he had bought a couple of days ago when my mom's new car arrived to the agency. He looked peaceful sure, but without color, I can clearly remember how he looked pale; it is an image I still 'use' to remember that this nightmare is actually my real life.

Seeing lots of people in the funeral was nice, that so many cared for him, one of his friends stayed so long crying trying to say goodbye, talking to my pale dad. But it was also overwhelming, I didn't wanted to talk to any of them, or listen to how sorry they were, I didn't wanted to answer any questions, or listen to people trying to bring themselves back into my memory, I just wanted to hug my mom and my sister, to make sure they were as good as they could; stupid.

My mom was so angry, she didn't say it of course, but I saw her with so much anger. And I felt so bad, it was not just that I lost one of the most important person in the universe to me, but I felt selfish for worrying so much about not being able to go back to this other country, and so guilty for being previously angry at my mom for not telling me what was going on, and so powerless. I now know that my amazing mom, had lied to us the whole time, my dad passed away before she texted that they were in the hospital. I never really asked her for the complete story, I just listened to everyone around me, including my mom that I guess she tried to explain it to us in the way to the funeral place, but till this day I'm afraid to ask, I don't really want to hear it all.

So the last months I've been concentrating in being there for my mom and sister, stepping back when my relatives start talking about my dad, avoiding my own feelings, because I'm too week. I didn't and still don't cry as much as I would like to, and try to help my mom when she feels bad, though I don't really help her much I'm just physically present. And for that my mom thinks I'm stronger, it's not true of course, it's all the opposite; I can handle my emotions, I'm to week to let myself feel all my pain. My sister did went back to this other country, to finish collage, she went back to our friends and rats, and. though I'll never directly tell her, I miss her, I miss living with her and miss our little routines and traditions; and I feel guilty, for wanting to be back in that other country, for getting mad at the situation, for being selfish, for not crying enough for my dad, and lazy because I need a job and I don't actually look for one. But I guess I still don't want to move on, I still don't want to accept this is real, I just want to get distracted with shallow things, with easy and pleasant ideas. And just now I can let it out, it still takes my breath away a little but is finally out, I daily feel bad, but I don't feel bad the whole day, I have a lot more in my mind, but thats enough for now.

I haven't personally commissioned you in a few years but I always remember you being incredibly fun to work with and super nice to talk to. I'm going to say I'm sorry, not because I'm obligated to but because it is super hard to lose a loved one. I was never close enough with anyone in my family but I know I'd still be crushed if anything happened to them.

You have a long road ahead of you and all I can say is be there when your family needs you and cry when you feel like you need to cry. It isn't selfish to go back to your life, honestly you might never become well again if life doesn't go on. Take the time you feel you need to recover than slowly try to get back into some sort of comfortable life.

You sound very numb to how you are feeling, and even some regrets. None of this is yours or anyone's fault. Things like this do happen. I'm sure he wouldn't want you all to be upset and just stop trying because he's gone. You have a very unique spark don't let it dwindle. You can get through this!

I've never lost a parent so I can't even begin to imagine how overwhelming and painful this must be for you. I do know that you're one of my favorite people here on Subeta, and I'm so sorry that all of this has happened. ((hugs))

I think you just need to give yourself time to grieve. For all of it. For your dad, for the had to leave behind, for everything. There's no timeline to when things are 'supposed' to get better. Just let yourself feel what you feel, when you feel it. Acknowledge that is sucks so bad, and let yourself feel it. It's ok to feel like crap when major changes like this happen in your life. You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling your feelings.

<3

You are going through one of the hardest things that life can throw at you, sweetheart. You are going to feel a multitude of different things, and most of them are not pleasent. But, please do not worry about people who you said you would make art for. You need to talk care of yourself and your family first and foremost! I wish there was more I could do to help you in this time, but I know there's nothing I can do but offer an ear if you need someone to talk to. Or be here to distract you from it all if you need that.

Thank you for letting us know where you've been. I know you would go off for a few weeks at a time, but I had noticed you haven't been around much in a long time. I was thinking about you just a few days ago. I'll be thinking about you more now, and sending positive healing energy your way. I hope that you feel the love and warmth that I know friends and family have for you. <3 Be well, sweetheart!

hugs Take all the time you need. And I hope you find a way to deal with all this. It is a lot on your shoulders.

I'm very thankful to you all, and your kind words put an honest smile on my face, I knew I should come back here sooner but I didn't want to say somethings aloud ... even if I wrote them not actually said them. I really appreciate your replies :)