So, this is a complicated one.

First a little background information: I'm 25, female and living together with my boyfriend. This is about 'our' and 'my' and 'his' relationship with his mother (divorced). Our relationship is good, even though I feel like we don't talk about things often enough and that usually leads to quarrels/fights about our parents. It's practically the only thing we ever fight about if we have an argument.

To let some things make more sense: I am currently suffering from Hodgkin's Lymphoma (tl;dr type of lymph node cancer) and they found out about it 2-3 weeks ago (I'm really bad with dates and time, please excuse me!).

To me, his mother is a big issue. To me she is self-centered, only thinks about herself and how she can make herself look like she is the "angel" in all aspects while being selfless and only doing things for others. She never accepts favors from someone else. In the beginning of the relationship between me and my bf, there have been many tensions because of his mother making up weird stories on how I don't like her, ignored her and how I'm downright rude to her. If you could ask my friends or family (and in my family there are people I dislike much more than my mother in law) they'd say I'm very timid, polite and well-mannered (I'm quoting and not making this up, sorry if I sound cocky, this is not my intention at all!). So to put it short: she lied about me to my boyfriend for whatever reason. I never put him in a position where he had to choose between his mother or me, but I made it crystal clear that he shouldn't accuse me of being rude ever again while not listening to my side of the story first.

Now with my illness we went to the house, mom-in-law cried and said the "if you ever need anything" phrases, like the rest of my family. She did say she insisted on me never being alone for a minute and seemed rather pushy in whatever she said. We also discussed my hair possibly falling out, but to me it isn't a big deal. I just want to get healthy whatever it takes, if my hair falls out I'll wear a bandana or a wig. She just freaked out when I said that, because to her it is a big deal and to me it isn't. Well, excuse me for having my own opinion? She also texted me EVERY DAY to ask how I was. This doesn't really bother me, but when she texted me and then called me not even half an hour later to see if I was still alive, bugs me. I'm sick, worn out and take naps; or I downright forget to text back and notice an hour or two later that I sent a message. She freaked out multiple times to my boyfriend about this as well, that I didn't send her back straight away and that I must hate her. My boyfriend had a chat with her about the texting. I don't know what he said but she took it wrong and stopped texting me for a week, thinking I hated her or something. Well, I don't like her and don't want to be best friends, but I'm trying to maintain a healthy and "normal" relationship, but it seems like she insists on me being her daughter or something. She asks me if it's okay if we go and eat ice cream during the week and that she'll call me, but she never calls. Only to later hear from my boyfriend that she told him: "Does she even want to do something with me? It seems that she hates me." She asked me if she could call me sometimes for ice cream twice, because I'm sick at home all the time and so I have something to do.

My reaction to all this is: cry me a freaking river. I just tell this to myself or in an angry notepad note which I delete after. I have NEVER told her that I didn't like her, I'm always polite and whenever she asks me to go and do something, I always smile and say "sure that sounds fun!". Except I put my parents before her and she doesn't seem to be able to cope that my parents have visited our apartment more than she did, but whenever we ask her she politely declines and insists that "we should enjoy our time together" (this was even before I got sick). I don't like her, I never will and I honestly don't want to do ANYTHING with her at all, because I simply can't talk to her about anything and because her personality sickens me. She doesn't like music, doesn't like movies or TV. She hates her job and practically anything that isn't her son, dog or going out for a walk. We don't have to be best friends but I just want to make sure she shuts up or acts happy/normal towards me for the sake of my boyfriend. He always gets the full load whenever I didn't do something to her liking and this has to stop.

What am I doing wrong here? What do I do to make this behaviour stop and get to a mominlaw-daughterinlaw relationship with mutual respect? Or if that is not possible, how do I make it clear that she has to stop making my bf and me upset?

Edit: Finished posting, sorry about that premature derp... Also excuse my grammar and spelling, I wrote this while being upset .__.

First off, I'm sorry to hear you have cancer. That's truly awful, and I'm sorry you have to go through this... My first boyfriend was undergoing chemo and radiation treatments for stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma while we were together (he's fine, btw; cancer-free for well over a decade now). It's gonna be rough going for a while, but it has an excellent cure rate, so I'm sure you'll come out of this okay. Be strong, keep fighting. =)

As for your MIL, it just sounds like she just desperately wants you to like her, but is trying too hard to force it and is just making things worse as a result. It sounds like your relationship with your boyfriend is serious enough for it to be safe to say she's going to be a part of your life for a while, whether you like it or not. That being said, there's no rule that says you two have to be best buds. It is good that you're still making an effort, however. It has to be rough on your boyfriend, though - getting caught in the middle of all of this and having her frustrations taken out on him. Poor guy.

You mentioned not communicating well enough with your boyfriend in regards to parents? I'd suggest starting there. Ask him if there's anything you could possibly do to get her to ease up a bit. Maybe it's as simple as calling her up one day and asking if she wants to go for ice cream? I imagine you don't particularly want to go, but it could be the gesture that tells her you don't hate her. Maybe while you're out together you can have a bit of a chat about all of this (heavily filtered, of course); let her know you aren't always able to respond to your messages quickly, but that you understand she's only doing it because she's worried about you. Acknowledge her feelings, but be sure make your own known in the nicest way possible. It's one thing to hear this through a text or through her son, but if it comes directly from you, in person, it might resonate with her better.

Of course I understand this is a likely case of "easier said than done". I have similar difficulties with my own mother; if I don't reply to a text as soon as I get it, she absolutely loses it and thinks I must hate her. You mentioned your MIL is divorced? Did her husband leave her, by any chance? It could be an abandonment thing. Anyways, you'd think since I can relate I'd have more advice to give you - but I tend to just snap right back at her about not being glued to my phone, so I'm afraid I'm not the best example. Troubled parental relationships are tricky. =/

It indeed has an excellent cure rate so I'm staying positive and hope for the best! Thank you for the kind words :)

I have followed your advice and talked to my boyfriend about it, but he's at a loss to how to handle this situation as well. Maybe I could ask her to talk or go out for an ice cream with her next week (I have chemo friday so I can't for a few days then) to talk things over. I don't know how she'd react and I'm rather afraid she'll twist my words on me and "blab" to my boyfriend on how I'm the bad guy and attacked her verbally...

It seems if you extend the hand out (so to speak) it might ease things for her in thinking you flat out hate her. Sure you can greatly dislike a person (I get it) but for her to jump straight to assuming you hate her from no replies to a text has me wondering, does she have any female friends? Or friends her age group for that matter?

As for being sick just talk to her about it. Find out if she's ever dealt with someone having cancer so personally. It's a VERY tough thing to adjust to seeing, I had to watch as my dads life changed due to his lung cancer. Granted you are the sick one and she could be more understanding of your desire to just stay cuddled in bed and tell the world to fuck off, but if you talk to her about some of how the treatments make you feel and that knowing if you needed help she's a call away that might help things. It's possible she's freaking out due to the fact it's a cancer and not like a broken arm.

What helped me adjust to my dad being so sickly was talking to him about those very things. Also going to his doctor visits and seeing how these treatments happen. So maybe see if she wants to go with you to one visit to see how the medical side of it goes?

My mother in law is exactly the same way... I am definitely not her first choice of persons for her son so that doesn't help matters any... Hubs in working in TX right now and I am currently living with MY parents- his mom is offended I didn't want to live with them. She'll send me random texts "why do you never respond to my texts?" even though I haven't gotten any from her and when I do respond to the texts I get I feel like i'm being investigated by a psycho therapist (I mean psycho as in she is crazy- not a psychologist) "how does that make you feel?" "this living situation is weird" etc. and she ALWAYS tries to get me to come hang out with her. Sometimes I oblige because she is my MIL, however don't let someone pressure you into "having" to like them. I honestly think I'd be better off if she would just let me do what I want and not try to act like we're best friends but bleh. Its what they do :/ SOrry can't offer any advice, just ranting too since I know how you feel!

I doubt she has any friends since nobody ever visits her except her pedicure and her sister. She's extremely judgemental of people and I guess that's why she doesn't make friends easily, or has any friends at all.

Problem is I talk openly to her on how I feel, but her "Oh it'll be all right" just made me not talk about it much at all. I don't like being pampered into "it'll be all right". I surely hope I will be, but there is always that 10% I won't. Before the biopsy on my lymph gland in my neck, she was also all "Oh it'll be nothing!". Yeah, turns out I have cancer. Imho it's easy to say that it'll be fine if you never experienced cancer close. My mom had breast cancer and she knows the 'routine' like anyone else who's had cancer and lived: sickness, chemo, hair loss... It's very nice of my MIL that she wants to stick along on the chemo treatments, but I don't think I owe that to her. My father went with me when he had vacation days and my mom has taken the liberty of taking vacation every day I need chemo to accompany me. I'm not going to stress myself even more by being "put up" with her for 8-9 hours at the hospital. Besides, my mother has experienced this all so I'd rather that she went with me, since she understands what I'm going through (and I don't feel that my MIL will learn anything from tagging along since she'll mostly see me either sleep or play DS while the chemo runs - I look perfectly fine when I'm in for chemo, it's the 3 days after that I'm miserable).

Her ex-husband is currently suffering from cancer and towards him she's been "crazy" as well, blaming it on herself that she didn't take care of him (? I have no clue what she means by that - as if she thinks he got cancer because they divorced and she didn't take care of him all those years?). She also brought him bacon breads every week as some sort of guilt repayment (that while her ex-hub didn't even text her to say thanks). She and her ex-husband weren't close at all any more and just exchanged a "hi" whenever they met. My guess was that she thought I was suicidal or something since she demanded that I wouldn't be left alone for a second and she'd freak out whenever I didn't reply to her texts in a timely fashion. I don't really have another explanation since that was even before my treatment started and I'm sure she's rational enough to know I wouldn't just "drop dead" any second the second they diagnosed me with cancer. And her thinking whatever crazy thoughts has also pressed some buttons with me, hence why I think she should just leave me alone with whatever delusions she has and grant me some space.

It's like she NEEDS to do something for me or she'll think I hate her even more for never being there for me. Honestly that doesn't bother me at all, but I just don't want my bf to have to deal with her crap and I don't want to hear about it from him.

Ughhh, I'd say I know how you feel but you already know :s Sounds like your MIL is even more meddlesome! My bf and I are living together now, but before that we just slept over at both our parents houses, but if we'd go to mine more often she'd freak out and - again - think I hate her or something... -.- I just act normal around her and be friendly, it's all I feel I can do besides take the time to talk to her about the issues in the "relationship".

I just don't want to be alone with her for that, I want my bf to be the witness, since I don't trust her at all. I'm afraid she blabs to my bf that I've been rude eg, so I want him to be there when I talk to her... But I just don't know how or when :/ I guess I can't bring up the energy or courage at this time...