i feel like im struggling a lot with myself lately. When I say lately, it's probably been what I would class as "bad" since october 2014. For the longest time, I've been wanting to talk to someone about it, but I'm scared that I'm gonna vent to the wrong person or be a burden on someone, so maybe it'd be better to throw my thoughts into the wind a bit.

I guess I feel like a big big mess and i've been wondering for about 5 months now if maybe I'm suffering from depression or even bipolar disorder. I'm too scared to see a doctor about it right now because I know I'll just break down in the doctor's surgery and make an idiot of myself. I feel like I'm only ever happy when I'm distracted, so I try to keep distracted, but as soon as I'm alone with my own thoughts, all this realisation comes crashing down on me. I'm not going where I wanted to be going in life, but at the same time I feel I might just be romanticising life as a 20 year old if that makes any sense?? Sometimes I get really sort of...buzzed, it's like, not happiness...just a sort of weird vibrating excitement (sometimes mixed with this weird agitation) over things, but that fades away and I come crashing back down again.

I think I've fallen out of love in my relationship too, but I don't have the heart to say anything because I still care about this guy (obviously) and I know it would crush him because he's still very much wearing rose tinted specs and has pink floaty heart eyes. This is the biggest thing that's getting to me, I cry a lot about it, it's making me miserable - it's the main thing I try to distract myself from, but you can only do so much before the thoughts seep back in eh. I literally don't know what to do, I would still love to be friends with him, because he's my best friend and has been since high school (sometimes I wish we had never gotten together for that reason) and it would hurt to lose him altogether. Of course I know he's not gonna want to be friends with me after, or at least for a long time. I just don't know how much longer I can carry on like this, the lying, it crushes me every time he tells me he loves me; when I say it back I feel like I'm just a big liar, when I don't, I feel bad because I'm rejecting him.

Aah, I don't know how much of that makes sense as actual sentences rather than just ramble. I just don't know what to do, I mean I haven't written down everything here because this is just the tip of the iceberg really and I can't go on with a wall of text. I just feel like running away from everything because I'm a fuckin coward.

First of all, I think you really need to be strong and get over your fear of seeing a doctor. Remember, they've seen it all before - they've had countless people crying or ranting or any other number of things in their office, and they're trained to deal with it, so you can stop worrying about that. Getting on medication and/or getting therapy for depression (which I have too) and bipolar (which I have friends who have) is the best thing you can do, and you will be amazed at how much better you feel afterwards, trust me.

Secondly, as hard as it may be, talk to your boyfriend. Lay out exactly how you feel. It's unfair to both of you for you to keep how you really feel to yourself. Yes, he may not want to be friends right away, but if your friendship is strong, which it probably is if you've been friends this long, he will come back and still want to be your friend as much as you want to be his.

Firstly,