...which reasons cannot know.

Hello Subeta !

I've been feeling down for the last month and I feel like I've been bothering my friends enough as it is. I need to let everything out to strangers. It's going to be long because I talk a lot, so sorry.

I was going out with a boy. From the first date we had, I knew we had almost nothing in common. We didn't have the same tastes, we didn't think alike at all. But still, I was attracted to him : he was gentle, he felt so pure, he made me laugh. I was able to be my true self when I was with him, he listened to me talk about anything.

I felt in love with him. He felt in love with me, and I was his first serious relationship.

The thing is, we didn't agree on things that felt pretty important to me. It happens that I've been worrying a bit too much about my future, and he's only 20 so he has never really thought about all those things yet. He always told me "Relationships are not simple, they're something you have to work for. It doesn't matter that we don't agree on some things, we'll learn to know each other, to understand each other, and it will be ok" and I liked that. He seemed carefree and at the same time he seemed mature. He was confident and I didn't feel it was because he was blind or unrealistic.

Still, we started to fight, and it was always me who started the fight. I've had a hard time with college, work and family this year, and he didn't understand when I told him about it : he wasn't here to support me. He wanted to, and I know he tried but he didn't know how because he was never able to understand what I was going through. He was always telling me "if I were you, I wouldn't feel so bad". Yeah but I'm me and I felt bad. He had the will but not the maturity to understand my point of view.

I wanted to fight for our relationship to work. But at some point, even though I loved him, I broke up, because the constant fights were making us tired. I felt guilty of always starting the same fights over again, and I tried really hard to stop, to change, but it was never enough. I didn't want him to end up hating me. Even if we had so much fun together, I knew we were losing our faith in each other, and I didn't want to let it grow to the point where we would hate each other.

So I broke up but when he told me he agreed, while all this time I thought he had so much faith in us, it felt like he was the one breaking up with me. He always knew I had doubts, that I was trying really hard, so the fact I wanted to break up didn't really take him by surprise. But I didn't know he was also feeling our relationship was coming to an end. I never suspected he thought that. We ended our story on good terms, and decided to stop talking to each other for a while because we needed time apart from each other. He told me he was sad but that thinking we would be friends at some point in the future made it easier.

It's been a month. And I know that it was the right decision, even if it was a really hard one. I absolutely don't regret breaking up with him, even though sometimes I wish I had done it in a way that would have hurt him less. Still, I can't forget him. I feel like I gave up too quickly, that somehow it was my fault.

It's only been a month but I know he's been hitting on other girls. First I was sure it was just an immature way for him to protect himself, I was sad but I didn't want to be angry with him. I don't have the right to blame him, and I know it. I was sure he still thought of me. I never doubted his love, I couldn't imagine that he would forget me. But now I'm not so sure... He told me he wanted to move on, and that he would never want us to go back together, even though he didn't want to forget what we had.

I've been ok for two weeks but yesterday I started crying again. I miss him so much. I don't think we'll be able to be friends. It seems like he will never come back to talk to me again, that once he really moves on he will forget me. We were not good together as a couple, we were too immature from the beginning. But I don't want a future without him in my life. I want to talk to him and to see him smile and it's a torture to hold back. I still think about him all the time and it's killing me. I'm fed up, I'm trying to be busy most of the day but he's still in my first and last thoughts when I wake up/go to bed, and I can't help but wonder if he thinks of me too. He was the best relationship I've ever had, he was able to bring out the most beautiful part of my heart out for the world to see.

I'm afraid I hurt him too much and that he will never forgive me : I was the one who didn't believe in us, I was the one who always started the fights, I was the one who broke up. I was the one who broke both our hearts.

I don't even know what I really need from you, Subetians : kind words or advice, anything, I just need to talk before I go crazy.

I'm sorry to hear your story. I find that break ups can result in a similar feeling to losing a loved one. It's definitely a huge mourning process. It must of taken a lot of courage on your behalf to break up with him when you knew you weren't happy, so be proud of yourself. Going from having a S/O to confide in and spend time with, to not, is a huge transition process. Perhaps finding someone else is his method of coping with this loss. In any case, when one door closes another door opens - being single means that if somebody who understands your needs comes along, you can take full advantage of the opportunity. If you ever need to talk about anything at all feel free to send me a PM ❤️.

You really shouldn't be that hard on yourself. You did say that he really didn't understand what you were going through and it seems like that was a big part of your relationship needs that he just couldn't meet.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I had something not exactly the same, but fairly similar happen to me - long story short, I broke up with someone who had also been too idealistic and really loved me, and broke both our hearts for practical reasons and to protect something else which I had deemed more important at the time. I don't regret it either, but it was incredibly hard for me too, as I still had very strong feelings for him. The only regret I had was starting the relationship (he used to make me laugh, and feel secure too, and he also brought out the best in me) without thinking it through and completely overlooking how I couldn't see a future together due to our differences. When I broke up with him, he spent half a year trying to win me back (while I struggled to do everything I could to not lead him on, which made him angry because he thought I didn't care about him), a second half of a year ignoring me trying to move on, another half a year trying really hard to return to our original friendship, and finally an argument (started by me, as many were) resulting from so much frustration on both sides, which blew up in our faces. We are no longer talking, and he expressed that he would like no further connection between us right now as he would like to put our past behind us and move on with his life. But similarly, I'd heard that a friend had seen him around with another girl, which did sting a little considering how strongly he'd felt all this time. Similarly, I thought this was selfish of me - I broke up with him, who am I to prevent him from being happy with someone else?

I recognise that I also needed to move on with my life, despite being the one who broke up with him. I miss him a lot too.

But if you are confident you two will not have a stable future together, I really recommend you maintain the clean break and spend some time away from him with other friends, doing other things, meeting other people. I don't know about exes being friends, because mine hasn't proved too great, but then again, I'm at your stage. However, I do know that if there's any hope of being friends in the future, you both need to have the time to get over any residual feelings. I know it hurts, and I know the feeling of needing to get it out. D: I hope things start looking up for you!